Everydaydude,
I liked your poem. You captured what i think a warrior's life would consist of. I was sad though, that the warrior died. My favorite line of your poem was "A warrior will stand against impossible odds. He showed that, willing to fight even The Gods." I liked the fact that you were able to make it rhyme. Chelsie Patrick
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
I really liked this piece! I thought the whole way through that he was going to ask a girl out on a date! You really surprised me at the end! I think this is something most readers could really relate to as well! Who hasn't had to make some kind of phone call that they have dreaded in their lifetime for some reason and gone through similar self-talk trying to get the gumption up to do it? I know I have and I know most of my friends have as well. Great job!
OPENING PARAGRAGH:
I liked your opening paragragh and it sufficiently hooked me into keep reading as I wanted to know what Nathan was so tense about and how the phone call played into that. I believe it sufficiently hooked other readers as well.
DESCRIPTION:
You do an excellent job with description! You describe things is such a way that the reader is able to picture and hear what's happening in their minds. For example, "The firm smack of palm to forehead echoed through the kitchen." and, "Nathan pounded his fist on the table, then followed it with his head."
PACING:
I believe the pacing is just right for this piece. The pacing is quick which it needs to be since most of the piece is what is going on within Nathan's head. It amazes me that you could write a piece of this length and include all the dialogue that you do with only one character centered around a conversation with himself. Great job!
AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
One area for improvement is after all is said and done I think that the READERS deserve to see Nathan get a date with the new bosses secretary. :) (Hope that made you laugh)
No, seriously, the only area for improvement I see is that I think the piece is a bit too long. By the end of the piece, I was becoming tired although my energy was revived by the surprize ending. It's something you might just consider.
This is my first month as a member of this group and my first month as part of
WDC so I am in the process of learning. If there is something I should have done different, or could have done different, that would have helped you more during my review, please don't hesitate to let me know. Like I said, I'm trying to learn how things work around here so any suggestion are very welcome. I hope I was able to help you. Happy Writing. Chelsie Patrick.
WardieMoo,
I think you have the beginnings of a good piece here. As a reader, I would like to know a little more detail about the culture of the people of Matthew's tribe or people or village--I'm not sure what to call them. I think the choice of the name of Umlings for their enemies is quite comical, actually. Keep working on it-it has a lot of potential. Would you please review something from my portfolio in return. I'd greatly appreciate it. Happy writing! Chelsie Patrick.
10794k,
I liked this story so far. Your plotline is good and you end the chapter with suspense which hooks your reader into wanting to read more. However, I do think you could have made it more suspenseful by having Jess turn up late to the meeting because one on the gang caught up with him to give him a warning or something like that. It would have made the danger from the gang a little more present in the reader's mind. I see a lot of potential in this. Good job! Would you view the first chapter of my noverl, the Riddle of the Keys, the Revised Version in my portfolio for me? I'd greatly appreciate it. Happy writing! Chelsie Patrick.
Jonathan,
I like this but I'm a bit confused. Is the novella about the people in the prologue or King Latharas? You've probably heard this before but It is really important that you hook your readers in your first scene so that they continue reading and so if they are looking at your book in a book store, they want to buy it. If the book is about the people in the prologue, like I suspect it is, then I would not end the first chapter where you do. I would come back to the present and add more to the scene until you can leave it on some sort of present cliffhanger. Other than that I liked it. I liked the introduction to the school and the story about King Latharas. I didn't see any grammar or spelling errors that jumped out at me. I think you just need to clarify the plot a little more before you end the first chapter. Happy writing! Chelsie Patrick.
Kalistra,
I like this. You have really good description so that I could see how things looked and could picture exactly what was going on through the chase and the beginning of the fight at the end. You ended the scene at a perfect point for creating suspense because the first thing I'm going to do after finishing this review is to check your portfolio to see if the next part is posted so I can see what happens next. This suspense is so crucial to hook your readers especially in your opening scene. Well, I'm hooked! Great, great job! Chelsie Patrick.
Kalistra,
I could be way off on this but my first impression is that you have a being creating itself into existence out of emptiness by talking itself into existence. I know that was a little redundant. It's like the being is talking to itself trying to figure out what is going on and the more that it does this, the more that it exists. Is that how you meant it? This is a very unigue piece. It made me stop and think about for quite a while. I like it. Would you consider reviewing something in my portfolio for me in return? I'd greatly appreciated it. Thank you. Happy Writing. Chelsie Patrick.
RockintheHouse,
I think your off to a great start! I have lots of questions though. Where did the girl get the cyrstal necklace? Was it a gift? Did it belong to her grandmother? Did she find it? How does she feel about being able to transport from one place to another? Does it excite her? Does it scare her? What other powers does the crystal necklace have? How does she find out about them? Is their someone she looks up to that can help her find the answers to how the crystal necklace works or is she all on her own? What happens if she inadvertantly makes a wish to be somewhere else while holding the necklace in front of her parents? Does she tell them the truth or pretend like nothing happened and act like they're crazy? Just thought I would throw some questions at you to get you thinking. Hope it helps. I'd appreciate it if you would review something in my portfolio for me in return. Thank you. Happy writing! Chelsie Patrick.
I liked your prologue. I think this novel has a lot of potential. I really like your character Zenthria. She seems to have lot of spunk which I think is great! I also like the horse who I think at this part of the story is his own character. One thing I didn't quite understand is why is Narci so different than Uman Gal? Is it just because of the Dark presence in Uman Gol? I didn't see any overt grammar errors. Would you please review something out of my portfolio for me. I will gladly send you some GPs if you do. Thank you. Chelsie Patrick.
jackie l-
So far I've read the first chapter of your Account of Jade Young. I liked it very much. I thought you did a nice job with the description in it. Also your character Jade seems like a typical high school student and therefore seems very realistic and well-rounded. I am also writing a fantasy novel. I'll make you the same deal I made will another member. I'll stick with you and read and review your work through the long haul if you'll do the same with mine. The name of my book is The Riddle of the Keys. What do you say? Chelsie Patrick
Yes, I vote for you continuing with this story! I really enjoyed what I've read so far and was disappointed when it came to an end so soon.( I wanted to know where the sign led them.) It took me a while to figure out that this story takes place in the future opposed to the past. Is that what you wanted or did you want it apparent from the beginning when the story takes place? If your goal is the latter than you are going to have to make it more obvious in the beginning; however, if your goal is for the reeader to figure it out over time, than your okay. I am also working on a novel, my first one, titled The Riddle of the Keys. I would be delighted if you would take a look at the first chapter and tell me what you think of it. Thank you for your time. Chelsie Patrick.
I like the format of your story in that I liked the way William interacted with the author and then changed the story by interacting with the trolls. It is an orginal idea. I''ve never read anything like it before. I had to go back and read a couple parts over again though as I lost track of who was saying and doing what especially around the part where William starts talking to the author and the trolls and Victor is poised. Your characterization of William comes across well and I think remains consistent throughout the piece. I like how you have him disagree with the author at first but then he gains the strength to take over the story at the end. Overall, I really enjoyed your read. I have created my first item in my portfolio. I would be honored if you would review it for me. Thank you. Chelsie Patrick
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