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763 Public Reviews Given
782 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I try to find the WOW-factor in your writing. No in-depth analysis, just my thoughts. #19 PR June 2016. #29 PR July 2016. #10 PR August 2016. Newbies Academy Reviewing Classroom, Winner June 2016. First Place The Newbie Academy Review Contest June 2016. Second Place "The Newbie Academy Review Contest " July and Aug 2016. #9 PR Sept 2016.#20 PR Oct 2016. First place "The Newbie Academy Review Contest" November 2016.#22 PR Nov 2016.#36 PR Feb 2017.#67 PR March 2017.#56 PR July 2017.#41 PR Aug 2017. #77 PR Oct 2017. #53 PR Nov 2017. #53 PR Dec 2017.#96 PR Sept 2018. #38 PR Aug 2020.#26 PR Sept 2020. #56 PR Oct 2020. #80 PR Nov 2020.#76 PR Aug 2021. #47 PR Sept 2021. #69 PR June 2023.#53 PR July 2023. #45 PR Nov 2023. #55 PR Aug 2024. #30 PR Sept 2024. #59 PR Oct 2024. #79 PR Nov 2024. #45 PR June 2025.
Favorite Genres
short stories, some poetry
I will not review...
reads > 2000 words
Public Reviews
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Review of Paperboy  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Hi D John Richter Author Icon ,I found your writing in the Newbies Newsletter. I’m reviewing also for "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. this time. Hopefully this review will find you in good spirit. *Delight*

On Title/Subject
After carefully reading this short story I don't think the title fits the bill. It is not the paperboy, but the newspaper that is the main feature here. Maybe you could change the title? The sub line is clarifying the content. I was intrigued by this story so I jumped right in.

General impressions
A charming short story on a business man trying to escape what seems to be fate. I totally believed this fantasy.

Favorite Parts
Steve opened the front door and stepped outside. "Donna? There's no newspaper again", Steve yelled.

"Just pick one up on your way to work", Donna said as she poured him a cup of coffee. "You will just need to leave a few minutes earlier than you normally do."

"I like to read the headlines as I drink my coffee, though."

"Well, get a cup of coffee at work, and read the paper as you drink it", Donna said with a smile.

Steve Lyons was the type of person who had a set routine. If anything messed with that routine, he was instantly grumpy. Donna, his wife, on the other hand, liked to be more spontaneous, which could really bother Steve. When going on vacation, Steve would have every activity planned out to the minute. Donna always liked to suggest something else, just to bother him.

I liked the way you set up this dialog to clarify their relationship and their roles. The dialogs are convincing.

Suggestions
A few things.
First: the adding chapters to this short story seems unnecessary. The story is a short one and doesn't need chapters. It slows down the pace of the piece. Maybe you could take them out?
Second: you mixing present and past tenses throughout the story. That also slows down the rhythm of the story. You better chose one, or present or past tense and stick to it throughout the story.
Third: a problem with POV: you write: She still had material that she was going to use to make a shirt for our son when he was little. Now, our son is twenty-five years old, and the material is still in the closet. I think you meant: a shirt for THEIR son; Now, THEIR son is (was) twenty-five years old.

Final thoughts
All in all a charming tale. With a little adjustment you get the pace and rhythm back into the story. Thanks for sharing.

Keep up the good work, enjoy writing!

WakeUpAndLive

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)


** Image ID #2093814 Unavailable **

Hi Izzy's Writing Author Icon,I found your writing at your request. Hopefully this review will find you in good spirit. *Delight*

On Title/Subject
Title and sub line are helpful to this story. You could try a different title for each chapter, that's up to you of course.

General impressions
A nice second chapter to the first one I read. I recognized a lot of it from the first chapter. Make sure they don't look too much a like, there is a lot of overlap: the way the girl reacts to the brothers, the way the brothers are worried for their sister. Not the fact that it is the same but the responses are almost identical, you have to be careful not to bore the reader with too much overlap. Try to come up with different words for giggling and chuckling.

Favorite Parts
“What Jordon did was rude, inappropriate, and unacceptable. Especially when it is done to a three-year-old girl who is having a hard enough time as it is with her autism. This needs to be addressed: wither it’s someone on the other team, your own teammate or your own family member: if they have autism and you make fun of them for it, then you are an idiot. If you want to trash talk someone on another team, that’s fine. But do NOT trash talk them for having autism. If I hear someone doing that, my team or the other team, I will make sure they get kicked out the league. And no, I am not just saying it because of Niklas’s sister, I have someone in my family who has it. And they were made fun of and things almost ended very badly for them. But they got helped and realized that they were perfect just the way they were. So I don’t want to hear about anyone in this locker room making fun of Izzy or anyone else that has autism. Because they will get kicked off the team.”

Great speech, but is this speech not coming too soon? Only after one indiscretion of Jordan. Maybe there has to be more incidents to have a realistic response like this?

Suggestions
The sentence.."He never realized how much autism could affect a family..he knew now that's for sure. Maybe you should throw in some examples? Now the only "unusual' thing that is described is the flapping with the arms. I am sure there are more examples of how autistic behavior can affect a family.

The notation **Time lapse ** is in my eyes unnecessary.

Final thoughts
A nice sequel to the first chapter. Read them one after the other to make sure there isn't too much overlap in responses of the characters.

Keep up the good work, enjoy writing!

WakeUpAndLive

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)


** Image ID #2093814 Unavailable **

Hi Izzy's Writing Author Icon ,I found your writing at your request. Hopefully this review will find you in good spirit. *Delight*

On Title/Subject
One life, one love is the beautiful title of this very beautiful story. The sub line clarifies the content. Since I have a few autistic family members and a few diagnosed with autism in my immediate surroundings I was very much interested in this short story.

General impressions
Wow, what a warm and beautiful story of a brother and family of a little autistic girl. The love of this family, of this brother towards the new born girl is very, very touching. The story is so powerful it made me cry a little bit, that's what impact this has on me the reader.

The setting and atmosphere of this story is overwhelming, due to the intense and very well worked out mechanics of show don't tell. I am part of this story and develop feelings for this family throughout the story. Character development is great, both with the brother as with the little girl.

The pace and flow is great and you have a very appealing and warm writing style. I loved it!

Favorite Parts
The part where the two brothers are waiting on that Sunday afternoon to hear about the news is my favorite. There is a suspense in the story, anticipating the return of the parents and Izzy. I felt for them both.

Mom and dad were quiet for a minute before mom finally spoke. “Boys, your sister has autism. And, if you are wondering what in the world I’m talking about, autism is a developmental disorder that appears in the first 3 years of life, and affects the brain's normal development of social and communication skills. This means she could have a hard time making friends in school and a hard time communicating with us. You’ve noticed that sometimes she has a hard time asking for what she wants? It’s not only because she’s young, but because her brain isn’t wired in the same way ours are. The doctor also told us she could have a hard time at parties and in big crowds, so we’re going to have to be careful on where and when we take her to places.”

Great way to describe the condition of the girl. It was also the moment I felt tears coming up in my eyes. Very touching indeed.

Suggestions
One thing, since I don't speak or read any Swedish, I would translate the "Dettaärhäpnadsväckande'. You can easily put the translation right behind the saying. It will benefit the read.

Final thoughts
All in all a great story on a loving family. I assume it is your own family you are writing about and the love is showing. Thanks for sharing.

Keep up the good work, enjoy writing!

WakeUpAndLive

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Review of Tom's Birthday  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


** Image ID #2093814 Unavailable **

Hi Christopher Roy Denton Author Icon,I found your writing ad random. Hopefully this review will find you in good spirit. *Delight*

On Title/Subject
Tom's Sanctuary is a somewhat cryptic title for this Sfi story. I didn't quite get it, I am afraid. The sub line clarifies the story. I was intrigued where this would lead to so I dived in.

General impressions
A very beautifully phrased story with lots of beautiful sentences and a very interesting idea behind the story, of a world where there is no aging, death comes at a predestined age. The story is also very interesting since this is the first Sfi I ever read that had a male gay couple as main characters. A very nice touch. The end was horrible, being lured into thinking that there is a way out, a way to survive the rules of society only to find out it's a government organized scam where people are actually killed nonetheless.

Favorite Parts
Tom refused to cry in front of their daughter. Eve didn't need to witness his terror; she was only sixteen. At least Jimmy would still be around to take care of her. Tom glanced around their entrance hall one last time. He drank in the framed holographs recording the milestones of Eve's life, and his chest tightened. He ignored the tear dribbling down her ebony cheek. If he wiped it away, his own dam would burst.

Jimmy stepped closer, placed a hand on Tom's shoulder and squeezed. The sweet fragrance of his cologne reminded Tom of their honeymoon in New Sidney two decades ago. How a chubby misfit like himself had snagged such a handsome, blond hunk he'd never understand, but, God, was he grateful.

A very powerful beginning of the Sfi story. It is totally believable and set in the future. I liked the social setting and the emotions displayed.

Suggestions
I found the title not so convincing, perhaps you could come up with a better one?

Final thoughts
All in all a great Sfi story with great ideas perfectly practiced into this wonderful and sometimes thrilling story. Full of emotions, suspense and a shocking end. The dialogs are convincing, character building is great and your writing style is very appealing. A great write and an excellent read. Thanks for sharing.

Keep up the good work, enjoy writing!

WakeUpAndLive

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Review of The first Steps  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #2093814 Unavailable **
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Hi Ajeno Author Icon ,I found your writing ad random. Hopefully this review will find you in good spirit. *Delight* WELCOME to Writing.come! This is just the view of one reader so pick the things useful and disregard the rest. It's always up to you!

On Title/Subject
The title is very well chosen, it is about the very first words written by Duncan, the main character. He suffers from autism as is told in the sub line, which clarifies the story. Autism is a condition with lots of different personality traits and grades. I think it's great you wrote this story on awareness of autism since it is not commonly known, as you stated in your portfolio.

General impressions
A very nice short story on the whereabouts of a boy with autism. I thought it especially of great interest to learn the boy was occupied in not doing much...staring at the sky at his balcony. Was he dreaming, or thinking, or just had a blank stare, I would like to know. Maybe you can add a line extra to it?

The genres you can choose from are for example: activity, emotional, experience, personal, self-help or writing in stead of other, other, other. That way it will help the reader to keep track of your writing. More readers are able to find your piece that way. Just a thought. The same thing with adding a picture. You can upload from your own computer or you can choose a picture from the stock of Writing.com. It will help the read.

If you want rating + review go to the wheel, upper corner of your item (*Gear*} and change things in "advanced ".

Favorite Parts
After what feels like an eternity Duncan picks himself up, he finally regains control over his thoughts. Looking at the clock Duncan notices that it's almost five o'clock. 'Wow, is it really this late already?' Duncan asks himself. 'I wasn't aware I spend so much time on this already.' Duncan looks at his sheet of paper and sees that he only has a few lines of text.
'Better luck next time. At least I have a start, that's the most important part I can always continue from here, I should be proud.' Duncan thinks.

I loved it that Duncan was able to find the strength to go on, pick himself up and looked at what he had accomplished. It was a sign of hope and of awareness. I felt for the boy.

Suggestions
On grammar:
1. I should do something,(before) I haven't done anything (for) the entire afternoon.
2. something I can stand behind (relate to)as a creator
3. he is suppose (d) to be good
4. everything he just started, (with even) though that was never the case
5. lot of things that need(s) to be done
6. now let's see, what else do I want
7. come up with more words (that he wants) to use
8. six o'clock, I don't like
9. to ready himself = to get ready
10. he left (leaves) the house

Final thoughts
All in all a very nice tale on the thoughts and insecurities of the main character. I loved reading it. I think it is a great achievement on your first story as a beginning writer. Thanks for sharing.

Keep up the good work, enjoy writing!

WakeUpAndLive Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

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Review of December 2, 1995  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Image ID #2093814 Unavailable **
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Hi TopHatBanjo Author Icon, I found your writing ad random. Hopefully this review will find you in good spirit. *Delight*

On Title/Subject
December 2, 1995. Clinton backs use of 'decisive force' in Bosnia. The most recent estimates suggest that around 100,000 people were killed during the war. Over 2.2 million people were displaced, making it the most devastating conflict in Europe since the end of World War II.

This is what I could find on that particular date. I hope it is what you meant, otherwise I totally misunderstood your piece. The sub line clarifies the story.

General impressions
It is the conversation between time travelers over the date December 2, 1995. Since I am not an American I didn't know much about the different candidates you named, so that part was lost to me as a reader. I did know Clinton and I am from Europe so i did know about that terrible war in former Yugoslavia.

Favorite Parts
The parts were Maxim is reading his own mind getting the information he wants.

Suggestions
Since not all of us are American and not all of the Americans on this site are familiar with those candidates and years and dates you mentioned it might be of consideration to somewhat explain these details a bit. Now a lot of the story is not accessible to me because I am not into those political events. I looked up Austen Murphy and read about the scandals he was involved in, but other then him being a inappropriate candidate for the presidency I could not figure out your clue of the story. Due to my ignorance I am sure, but to indulge your readers a bit, maybe you could find a way to leave some more clues so I would understand the point you are obviously making. But what is it?

Final thoughts
All in all an interesting read but a little bit lost on me as a reader since I don't know much about internal American politics. Maybe with a bit more information it will be accessible to more readers. Your writing is swift paced, and the idea behind this story is most engaging. The dialogs are convincing. Thank you for sharing.

Keep up the good work, enjoy writing!

WakeUpAndLive Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

Newbies Academy Reviewing Sig1
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In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #2093814 Unavailable **
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*



Hi Micaelavdb Author Icon ,I found your writing ad random. Hopefully this review will find you in good spirit. *Delight*

On Title/Subject
If love came with instructions is a good title to this piece. The sub line gives a little context.

General impressions
A rather nice little tale on a meet and following relationship of two people. It is well written and swift paced. Your writing style is appealing. The dialogs are good and to the point.

Favorite Parts
“What do you write?”
“Instruction manuals.”
He almost spat out his coffee, and saved himself from embarrassment by a covering his mouth and snorting indelicately. She grinned openly at his reaction. “That’s incredible.” He said, completely honestly.

It is the fun reaction to the fact she is writing instruction manuals, often thought of as a bit boring.

“Love, it is only right to feel pain. Pain at things lost, what could have been and wasn’t. Pain is giving those things their due. Pain is warning, and memory. And I promise you, one day it won’t hurt as much. But if it never hurt at all, it meant nothing.” she told him.

It is the reference to your title. And the reason why Greg is somewhat distant in his not kissing Sophie.

Suggestions
One grammar error: He said completely honestly must be He said completely honest.

She finished off lamely. must be He finished off lamely.

Final thoughts
All in all a good story and a fun piece to read. Thanks for sharing this nice romantic encounter.

Keep up the good work, enjoy writing!

WakeUpAndLive Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

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Review of Cage the Bird  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Image ID #2093814 Unavailable **
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Hi mklow1 Author Icon ,I found your writing ad random. Hopefully this review will find you in good spirit. *Delight*

On Title/Subject
Cage the bird is a somewhat cryptic title. Perhaps if the rest of the story is finished it will make sense, but now I would opt for a different title. It is not covering its content. The sub line is better and gives more information on this little piece.

General impressions
Good dialogs in a short unfinished story. You have an interesting beginning of the story, but the middle and ending are missing.

Favorite Parts
"So what is her name?"
"There is no her and you know it."
"There's always a 'her', plus I heard the rumor."
"Well this time you and the rumors are wrong."

A good beginning. The dialogs after this are more flat, they can be more interesting if you flesh out the story more.

Suggestions
Write the middle and ending of the story. In other words, finish it if you please since it has potential in being a nice story.

Questions still remain: What are the rumors, who is 'she' and who is that guy in his car on the driveway?

You pose a problem and suggest an answer to the problem but you never finish it.

Final thoughts
All in all a good beginning of a story. You only have to write more. Thanks for sharing.

Keep up the good work, enjoy writing!

WakeUpAndLive Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

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Review of The Sin  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #2093814 Unavailable **
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*



Hi Writers for Recovery Author Icon ,I found your writing ad random. Hopefully this review will find you in good spirit. *Delight*

On Title/Subject
The Sin is a good title for this draft. The sub line explains its content. I am intrigued by this so I am plunging in and start reading.

General impressions
What an interesting piece on sin this is. I liked how you started out this story by introducing Satan and co. gathering together in an annual competition. Very creative thinking. The sins are well described and right to the T. Your piece suddenly ends but since this is a draft I am guessing you are planning in ending this piece in the near future. Hurry, because I am interested in reading more on this.

Favorite Parts
Last time gluttony won and we had "The Obesity Epidemic" and kids were starting kindergarten at 150 plus pounds. Adults in America were dropping like flies from deep fried heart attacks and gluten filled arteries.

You describe a gruesome period in time, we are still in it I am afraid, where people are overweight by too much food, while there is still hunger in the world.

Suggestions
A few typo's: a competition for for the seven deadly sins, loose one 'for'.
they are an easy target when it cmes to pride must be 'comes to pride'.

I hope you will write the ending of this piece because it is not yet finished.

Final thoughts
All in all a great piece on the deadly sins in our world. I would like to read which of the sins has won for this period in time. You have an easy writing style that is very appealing. Thanks for sharing.

Keep up the good work, enjoy writing!

WakeUpAndLive Writing.Com Signature Image for Upgraded Registered Authors!

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In affiliation with 30-Day Bloggers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
It was my first virtual tour with 30-Day Blogging Challenge. I loved every minute of it. You Fivesixer Author Icon and Lyn's a Witchy Woman Author Icon did a great job! You made this a wonderful journey with great prompts. From Madrid to Barcelona, then Montpelier, Monaco, Florence, Venice, Vienna, Prague, Berlin, Hamburg, Amsterdam, Paris ending in London. Thank you both so much for an unforgettable trip and a beautiful Summer of 2016!
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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)



** Image ID #2093814 Unavailable **

Hi dima Author Icon ,I found your writing ad random. Hopefully this review will find you in good spirit. *Delight*

On Title/Subject
Fight for the people who cant is a strong title for this piece. Maybe too strong? You are not taking them into your home, but you are giving them money and talk to them, perhaps. The sub line is good, giving the information about the piece.

General impressions
I like this idea of caring for the homeless. You are describing that you give money and you ask others to do the same, very admirable.

I think it's different in different countries. In my country in Europe it's illegal to beg, but people do it anyway of course. They walk up to you and ask for money. I often give since I care and wouldn't want to be in their shoes. Also they are often very interesting people with a very challenging life story to tell. You drive by and have to stop your car in order to give, there is a difference, maybe in your country it takes more effort to give and care.

Your piece is well written and an easy read.

Favorite Parts
Excuses like "they will just buy drugs with the money, or they will buy a few drinks and get drunk" but you can't judge them like that.

I loved this sentence since it is the excuse you hear a lot. I always give money for THEM to spend on whatever they need. If that's on booze or drugs so be it. It's theirs to spend it.

Suggestions
Some repetitions are not necessary I think.

Furthermore I miss your explanation on who Michael Oher is. I don't know him, so that sentence is waisted on me.

Also I think a few blank lines are in order, could you space out your text a little into paragraphs? It would benefit the read.

Also I would love for you to give me some examples of what people tell you since they talk back to you I presume. You write you talk to them but I never read what you talk about or what their responses are. It would benefit the story.

Final thoughts
All in all a wonderful idea for this little story. If you take these pointers to flesh it out a bit it can be an even better story. Thanks for sharing.

Keep up the good work, enjoy writing!

WakeUpAndLive

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Review of An Enigma  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)



** Image ID #2093814 Unavailable **

Hi Façade of Alabaster Author Icon,I found your writing ad random. Hopefully this review will find you in good spirit. *Delight*

On Title/Subject
I thought the title was a good one since you struggle in this poem with the meaning of life. It's sub line clarifies your thoughts.

General impressions
The presence of darkness,
because there is light.
The existence of evil,
because there is right.
Lies without truth, they would never exist.
It's because of the one, that the other subsists.

Very powerful start of the poem. I especially liked The essence is evil/because there is right. The strife to be right and to force that right onto others is what's causing a lot of evil.

For falsehood softens with a kiss.
While silken words conceal the hiss
Of serpentine duplicity.
Façade of cruel treachery.
It speaks into our weary hearts.
And pierces it with countless darts
Of doubt and fear, unfounding
all that we thought to be.
Subtle lies, confounding,
the shreds of reason we possess.
Our hopes and dreams, they quell- repress.

Very well put...I especially loved the first three lines. False pretense wounds deep.

The soul: A worthless entity?
Most prized thing of fantasy?
Our days are but an effigy
Of life before eternity.
Each hour a deep and poisoned cut
To show that each is void and forfeit.

This is the part where the poem is dark and full of doom. Sad but beautifully put.

The wasted moments, ill-spent hours
Unlived dreams and faded flowers.
Vestiges of fallen towers.
Empty, hollow, vacant years.
A flood of shed and unshed tears.
And thus Remorse becomes our friend.
Our confidante until the end.

This last stanza is the most beautiful to me. It's awful and a waste of time to let time slip through your fingers. But I think we all have these moments, those feelings. Having Remorse as your only friend is very sad indeed.

Final thoughts
All in all a very beautiful and strong poem. I loved its quick paced rhythm and its rhyme. But it's a gloomy and dark poem, full of deep felt emotions. I loved reading it. Thanks for sharing.

Keep up the good work, enjoy writing!

WakeUpAndLive

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Review of Fish Breath Gum  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)



** Image ID #2093814 Unavailable **

Hi Schnujo's Doing Homework Author Icon,I found your writing as part of the I Write Challenge. Hopefully this review will find you in good spirit. *Delight*

On Title/Subject
Great title on a great prompt write on reverse psychology, the use of this new chewing gum that is breaking the effect of unwarranted affection. It was very funny although the add was in a serious voice. I had to smile all the way.

General impressions
The voice is talking to a broad audience taking its subject very serious. You can almost sense the big bucks and the research center that's behind this new product. The way you tackled this persuasion is genius. I totally believed this product. And a nice pun at the end as a little encore. Very nicely done.

Favorite Parts
Fish Breath Gum causes your breath to begin smelling like rotted three-day-old fish in just a matter of minutes. As soon as you begin to sense the date isn’t going as you’d hoped, but they don’t seem to be on the same wave length, just pop in a piece of our Fish Breath Gum and soon they’ll change their tune. Our patented technology allowed your breath to cover the distance of the table, no matter how large it may be. Your partner will soon be leaning back and realizing that they’ve been mistaken in their interest level in you. We guarantee our product is so strong, they won’t even be fantasizing about you in the privacy of their own bedroom. They’ll be completely turned off by you, but they’ll have no idea it was all in your plan so you can save you both the discomfort of having to tell them you only think of them as a friend. Fish Breath Gum guarantees results or your money back. If they ask you out again, we’ll even double your money back.

The heart of your piece were it's function is being explained. It's the right tone, the right words, you totally sold the gum to me.

Final thoughts
All in all a great story on a funny subject. I hope you win the contest. It is a great entry.

Keep up the good work, enjoy writing!

WakeUpAndLive

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In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)



** Image ID #2093814 Unavailable **

Hi Don Two Author Icon,I found your writing because we both won the Writer's Cramp in a tie a month or so ago. Hopefully this review will find you in good spirit. *Delight*

On Title/Subject
This side of Paradise is a very good title on this subject. I think it is irony? Anyway that's how I interpreted it and I loved it. Dealing with the heat is a good sub line, it explains it all.

General impressions
WOW, what a marvelous beautiful prose poem. You blew me away. Because of this I am going to nominate you for the Blown Away Contest "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. where you can put writing that you think is sooo good. I was totally blown away by this poem.

Favorite Parts
It was a time of exceptionally warm
temperatures, more-so than even for my
Saharan tastes, yet I got through it, and I
prevailed, and I was even a king of sorts
with summer court and crown all right.
A kingdom of prevail in heat, oppressive
dew point, close the atmosphere of late
July, a sun strong-arming scorpions even.
Oh, I would mole the summer underground
and seek the cool of cavern slate, I’d
wet the high of August Sol employing
hose for welcome shower spritz...
I’d lie, sigh spent, on satin sheets,
a thin of sweat before a fan
beseeching midnight dewy air
to swirl through screen
and oust the warm
of lingering oppression,
that pent-up air intent
with closing in on one hundred.
Whence the mercury would rise,
and me, one lanky mass of middle age
with blackened heels from stepping long,
that short-term memory of cool from dew
on tawny lawn so adept to lathe my feet
as summer often must. Regarding yours
so humbly poised upon this climate throne
to idle by till winter frosted panes extant,
till November winds encouraged
goose bumps to form.

And adding to it all was a vent-less
room, a corner filled with musty books
of verse from poets long ago, those classics
reaching throughout time...and in said room
the fist of heat clutched me by the throat.
Still I resisted and browsed on, with Keats,
Shakespeare, Service, Guest and even Milton,
wherein the Devil was cast out.

I exited, with books in hand--it was
Paradise Lost, it was paradise gained.

It remembered me of John Ashbery's Self-Portrait in a Convex Mirror. I kid you not, it is that good! I loved your internal rhyme and your writing style, swift paced and a beauty of a poem. A gem!

Final thoughts
The most beautiful prose poem I came across so far since I've joined Writing Dot Com, two and a half months ago. I am lost for words. Thank you so much for sharing.

Keep up the good work, enjoy writing!

WakeUpAndLive

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190
190
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
WakeUpAndLive
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Hi transildor Author Icon ,I found your writing ad random. Hopefully this review will find you in good spirit. *Delight*


On Title/Subject
I liked your title. It has the forebodings of a great fantasy story. I liked it that you do world building in this tale. Super interesting and for me super impossible, but you are trying it. Great work!


General impressions
A Non-E rated intro is not suitable for everyone of any age. There may be references to sex, drugs, alcohol, violence, cursing, derogatory names or any combination thereof. I think your piece is an E-rating. Whether some people will like or dislike this story is not what this rating is about. I think you better change from non-E to E.

A very nice fantasy story with a lot of imagination present . Very admirable since you are still very young. I think this is a great first piece of writing at WdC. You will love it here.

Favorite Parts
Our adventurers being, Grim wolf the half-orc barbarian, he’s a 6 and a half foot tall green complexion of muscle with an iron battle axe slung over his shoulder wearing nothing but a loin cloth and a belt holding a rusty looking katana.

Next is Leonidus, he is a 2 foot tall gnome wizard with a medium length beard. He has a very distinguishable golden monocle and a top hat with a miniature chimney connected to it and occasionally there will be a puff of smoke pouring out of it.

Thirdly is Ember, she is a 5 foot drowelf with long jet black hair she wears a thick leather armour set. In her left ear is two golden ear rings placed near the bottom of her ear, her hair is tied into a ponytail.

Your introductions of those creatures are great. I really loved it.

Suggestions
You seem to be familiar with the concept of SHOW don't TELL. I think that is one of the hardest parts to keep up in writing.

Can you space out the text a little. It benefits from adding a blank line or two in the writing. Now it is just one big blog.

Final thoughts
All in all a great story. I liked reading it. Thanks for sharing.

Keep up the good work, enjoy writing!

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191
191
Review of Voix  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)



WakeUpAndLive

Hi Axam Author Icon ,I found your writing in the romance/love genre. Hopefully this review will find you in good spirit. *Delight*

On Title/Subject
Voix is French for voice. There is no dialogue in this piece but the piece itself is one big dialogue of the writer telling her of his love. It is a prose poem to me, and a very beautiful one. I started reading it like a story, but that's not the way to approach this wonderful poem, so I read it again. And once more.

General impressions
It's a very condensed and compressed writing full of beautiful words and with many layers. Impressive! You managed to take the reader by the hand and introduced the reader to that wonderful world of poetry, nature and young love. I loved it. It's the kind of poem you read, you read again, there is a reaction, but you don't know what you read so you have to read it again. I was a bit lost at first in those beautiful descriptions.

What I think is very admirable is that the words never become pathetic although its description speaks of love and romance. But it is of a nature not of this mundane world, so the reader experiences distance. You managed to take the words to another level of exaltation. In other words: it is very poetic!

Favorite Parts
The night was long enough to be memorable, short enough to keep thirsting for another few hours of dawn and anticipation. He told her about the oceans of deep, dark and romantic philosophy, full of life and ominously silent. Mhmm, she agreed, as he promised to take her to see for herself that other world within their world. Her eyes absorbed the beauty of the sky as the sun rose to lay claim upon the overhead domain, but for the life of him, he could not untangle the knot of possibilities her eyes presented to him. He didn't care anymore, the oceans he described absorbing him into the deep blue romance, an embrace of a million moments in one.

For me this is the essence of the poem

Suggestions
Since this is not an easy read you have to indulge your readers a bit by giving them some space to think things through. Maybe you should space out the text some more? A few more blank lines would benefit the read.

Final thoughts
All in all a beautiful read on poetry and love. Thanks for sharing.

Keep up the good work, enjoy writing!

WakeUpAndLive

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192
192
Review of Burglar  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)



WakeUpAndLive

Hi Sue_McG Author Icon,I found your writing in the thriller/suspense genre. Hopefully this review will find you in good spirit. *Delight*

On Title/Subject
Burglar is a very good title, but for me the question mark gave a little bit of the suspense away. I don't think you need it since it is a burglar (in the mind of the main character), up until the last paragraph. You may consider losing the question mark all together.

General impressions
I liked this story of a homecoming finding the light on and a possible burglar in the house. You led the way into the mind and circumstances of the main character right up til the point of confrontation. Because of the question mark in the titel I sort of suspected something like this. It gave away the twist, the pun at the end.

I liked the way you build up the suspense by featuring minute by minute what went on in the house and in the mind of the main character. You applied Show don't Tell techniques but sometimes you were telling the reader what was happening instead of showing it. In some cases you just have to delete a few words. Like in: Slowly, as he reached the door to the bedroom, he became more and more nervous, he could feel drops of sweat sliding down his face, once or twice straying into his eyes making them sting. He thought of dialling the police on his mobile, but that would mean talking and explaining things, and he couldn’t do that without being heard by the thief.

Favorite Parts
Suddenly, he heard a noise coming from the bedroom, he stood up and grabbed the first thing he had at reach, a ladle. HE looked at it and shook his head holding back a chuckle and opened the knife drawer catching the biggest one he could find.

I had to chuckle for the main character. It was funny!

Suggestions
Two typo's? HE looked at it, is obviously He looked at it. And dialling the police must be dialing the police.

Could you look at spacing the text some more? The text will benefit if you put some blank lines were they are due. Now it is a big blog of text.

Final thoughts
A great attempt to build up the suspense in this short story. I liked reading it. Thanks for sharing.

Keep up the good work, enjoy writing!

WakeUpAndLive

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193
193
Review of Black  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Dear SMs,
For The Challenge I had to solve a wordsearch, and I stumbled on this one, to do with the color or the word 'black'. I found it very difficult and I didn't solve it. I had difficulties with the words 'funeral', 'out' and 'raven'. Too bad! But it was my first online and I had fun doing it. Thank you for making this.

Greetings, WU-AL
194
194
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)



WakeUpAndLive

Hi Legerdemain Author Icon I found your writing as a part of The Challenge. Hopefully this review will find you in good spirit. *Delight*

On Title/Subject
Recurring nightmare is a good title for this piece since you've had it for more than 25 years. That's creepy for a dream this vivid and horrifying.

According to Lauri Lowenberg, a dreamconsultant and author (http://www.lauriloewenberg.com/dream-on-it) dreaming of cars shows how you are traveling through life or through a particular situation. Can also refer to how you are ‘driven’ or motivated. A speeding car is a good indication you need to slow down and take it easy in waking life. A car with no brakes means you are having difficulty putting the brakes on something. A crashing car may indicate you are headed for a crash, a rude awakening. An out of control car means you have lost control of something in your life. It’s always good to be in the driver seat of your car, it means you are in control.

General impressions
I loved this short story very much. It is swift paced, you have a distinctive writing style that is fluent and easy to read. The tension is building up in this piece the longer you are driving this car in the dark. It is a spooky experience and I can imagine it freaks you out.

Favorite Parts
My heart rate increases. I can hear it beat in my ears, thumping fear, and pumping adrenaline into my veins. Thump, Thump, Thump.

I can see, feel, hear and even smell what you are going through. This is the finest example of SHOW don't TELL I came across. It is a great exemple on this writing technique for me as a newbie. Thank you for that.

Final thoughts
All in all a very beautifully written short story on a dream about driving a car in the night and crashing into a deer that becomes a man. I hope you sleep better these days!

Keep up the good work, enjoy writing!

WakeUpAndLive

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195
195
Review of A Good Year  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
WakeUpAndLive
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Hi Deepam Wadds Author Icon ,I found your writing ad random. Hopefully this review will find you in good spirit. *Delight*


On Title/Subject
Sorry to burst in like this but I didn't get your title. A good year is NOT what is described here, it's been a rather BAD DAY since hubby lost his job. Maybe you would like to reconsider your title?

General impressions
I loved this little tale very much. It is swift paced, an easy write and you have an appealing writing style. The dialogues are realistic and convincing.
I loved the little pun when the alcohol is in the tea cup. I the reader know this, the female in this story doesn't. That is funny.

Favorite Parts
“I don’t drink tea,” Gilles addressed the contents of the cup. “I’m a man’s man. I’m a real man. Real men don’t drink tea. They drink cognac and stand up for themselves. They tell their bosses that their protocols aren’t ethical. Then they go home and want to break things. Real men know how to fix things. Real men aren’t 55 and out of work.”

I liked this outburst and the reason he puts alcohol in his tea.

Suggestions
Maybe you should reconsider the title?

Final thoughts
All in all a very nice read and an excellent write.Thanks for sharing.

Keep up the good work, enjoy writing!

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196
196
Review of A little note.  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
WakeUpAndLive
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Hi DeeJ Author Icon ,I found your writing ad random. Hopefully this review will find you in good spirit. *Delight*


On Title/Subject
A little note is a good title for this short monologue, the sub line gives information on time and date. It is a piece of journaling?

General impressions
I loved this little writing very much. You the writer have a personal writing style that is appealing to me. It is swift paced, personal and an easy read.

Favorite Parts
It is rather quite amazing the power of music. Words, in particular, arranged in just the perfect way, to tell a story, to heal a heart even.

The power of music is very poignant isn't it? You described that perfectly.

Suggestions
Two suggestions if I may: One is, can you space up the writing a little bit? Now it is one blog of text and some blank lines will benefit the read.

The other thing is: I missed a small piece in your writing. Something I didn't quiet get: My skin actually feels comfortable today.( .......) It is rather quite amazing the power of music. There is something missing there. Now the reader has too little information to get from your skin problem to the music.

Remember, the reader doesn't know you or your circumstances (although I read your portfolio entry). But inside this story/monologue all has to be revealed. Otherwise you lose the readers.

Final thoughts
All in all ea beautiful, dreamlike, prose poem like monologue I loved reading. Thanks for sharing.

Keep up the good work, enjoy writing!

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197
197
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
WakeUpAndLive
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Hi Hiding the Unseen Author Icon ,I found your writing ad random. Hopefully this review will find you in good spirit. *Delight*


On Title/Subject
There is no title to this story, so I suggest you come up with one rather fast since this is a very nice story and I am implying that it is the beginning of a longer tale. The title is very important, it can draw people in or reject the story. Also the sub line is giving information on the writing. In this case both are missing. I wanted to read it anyhow, so I continued reading. and I was not disappointed.


General impressions
I loved this story as a prologue or first chapter to a greater story. You are a good writer and I liked your writing style. It is swift paced and it reads like a charm. The plot is also very appealing, a young girl on her first night being homeless meets up with another homeless person. I keep wondering what will be in store for them both. But that's the second chapter.

Favorite Parts
Tens of people spread across the centre of town in their worn out jackets and beaten up trainers, getting settled for the night. Some of them were bundled in groups, looking around cautiously at the rest.

It describes in a few words the surroundings of that part in town where the homeless and the misfits live. Every major city in the world has those places.

Suggestions
Try not to tell me what is happening, but show it to me. Show don't tell is an important technique for writers. Show don’t tell allows the reader to see, hear, and feel what is happening rather than being told what happened. Read: "Show Don't Tell" Open in new Window. [ASR] and "Creating Motion in Fiction" Open in new Window. [13+]. Maybe you should apply this to some of the lines in your story. It will benefit from it, I am sure.

Final thoughts
All in all a very good write and a nice read.

Keep up the good work, enjoy writing!

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198
198
Review of The Bequest  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)



WakeUpAndLive

Hi 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon,I found your writing as part of The Challenge. Hopefully this review will find you in good spirit. *Delight*

On Title/Subject
The Bequest, is a very good title for this wonderful poem on the legacy from a granddad to his grandchild in planting trees as a generational effort to do something back for Mother Nature. It's sub line is also very good since it's about the actual planting of trees, not merely talking about doing good to Mother Nature as is very often the case. This is about practice over theory. I liked it a lot.

Earth Day 2016: April 22nd theme: Plant a Tree because Trees help combat climate change, Trees help us breath clean air, Trees help communities and I want to ad a personal one: Trees are beautiful creatures of Nature, they should be saved like any other endangered species.

Your poem is on awareness of Earth Day, a celebration indeed.

General impressions
Wow, Ken, you did it again. This is such a beautiful and inspiring poem, it brings tears to my eyes, I am not kidding. It is so good to know there are poets actually caring about Nature and writing poetry about this subject.

Favorite Parts
The Bequest

Time lay upon him like a shroud
as he bent working in the earth.
Though years pressed down, he was unbowed;
his eyes glowed with a hidden mirth.

Time weathered hands moved with love's care
as he set out the fledgling tree.
His head was bowed, as if in prayer,
yet he moved with a certainty.

I watched him struggle to arise,
from where he knelt upon the soil.
An inner strength shone in his eyes
as he rested from his toil.

He took his grandson by the hand
and, in the small copse, patiently,
explained that each tree in the stand
had been planted by his family.

"This is a statement of belief,
though I won't live to see it grow,
that we can give the earth relief.
This is the gift that I bestow."

I should say: I LOVED everything. The beautiful description of an older man busy in the soil to plant a tree despite his age or the physical effort that is taking such a task. And then talking to his grandson about his legacy to him: planting trees that will stay in the family for generations to come.

Final thoughts
All in all a great poem with an actual story in it. I loved every stanza, every line, every word of it. Very well done, you are a master! Thank you for sharing.

Keep up the good work, enjoy writing!

WakeUpAndLive

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199
199
Review of Summer Holiday  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)



WakeUpAndLive

Hi Pennywise Author Icon ,I found your writing in the Newsletter. Hopefully this review will find you in good spirit. *Delight*


On Title/Subject
A Summer Holiday is a good title for this piece. The sub line threw me of guard since somebody is singular and it involved twins. Maybe you should change it to 'them' or something? Just a suggestion.

General impressions
I thought this was a very agreeable little tale about a day in the Summer. Since it is Summer and I am blogging in Europe with 30-Day Blogging Challenge, I was drawn to this story. YEAH...Summertime...happiness! But it ended differently. Nice touch!

Favorite Parts
Mandy and Martin looked at each other and giggled with delight. Roger had just suggested, to their mother, that he should take the twins to the beach so they could have a chance to “bond”.

A very important first paragraph since it explains who Roger is...the new boyfriend of mother. I had to read it twice before I understood the ending.

Within minutes the hole was dug and Roger knelt within it, as the children shoveled sand back in with their plastic spades. Sand piled about his neck and Mandy started to stomp it down around him; her feet millimetres from his head.

I loved this description of kids playing with sand on the beach, covering up the third party. It is something everybody has done one time in his or her life while playing at the beach.

Suggestions
Maybe one line somewhere about who Roger is?

Final thoughts
All in all a lovely little tale about two naughty children. You even could say they were dangerously naughty. A nice write and a good read.

Keep up the good work, enjoy writing!

WakeUpAndLive

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200
200
Review of World Upside Down  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)



WakeUpAndLive

Hi Lexi Author Icon ,I found your writing in the Newsletter. Hopefully this review will find you in good spirit. *Delight*


On Title/Subject
World Upside Down is a good title of this piece of writing. The sub line is even better, it explains what the story is at.



General impressions
I loved this short story very much. As an abseiler myself years back this climbing trip brought back memories. You have a pleasant writing style, it was well written and an easy read. But because of the mentioning of the friend by first and last name at the beginning of the story I suspected something of a lover's triangle. Pity because that gave away the punchline at an early stage. According to me that is easily fixed, maybe you should loose the name all together. It (the name) has no baring on the story anyway. It's the short mentioning of a third party in the story that is important.

Favorite Parts
"Hey, heads up!" Brielle warned, and Danilo got his mind back in the game. He had been about to scrape his shins on an outgrowth of dolomite. "You can ogle my legs later," she grinned, though something in her eyes was not smiling. This was how she had wanted to spend their anniversary, so here they were. Danilo knew Brie well enough to let her work out whatever was bothering her in her own time. No doubt she'd get it off her chest once they reached a resting spot.

It is the heart of the story.

What came down next was not his wife, but her fanny pack. As Danilo rescued it from the water, a spool of rope fell, too. Had she dropped their guide rope? He coiled the rope until at last it tugged at his harness. It was the entire spare rope, still attached to him. There was no way he could climb out without getting the rope up to her, and no way to do that either. "Hon?" he called out with a touch of anxiety.

What I expected to happen, happened.

Suggestions
Apart from loosing the name of the third party, nothing I would change. Spelling and grammar seems okay.

Final thoughts
All in all a very nice tale. I loved reading it.

Keep up the good work, enjoy writing!

WakeUpAndLive

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