Hi,
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I am stuck! I need people to review and critique honestly & constructivly.
while lowering himself to the top stair, setting down his coffee and lighting a cigarette.
Sentence structure needs looking at again. I'm having trouble with him lighting the cig 'while' doing the rest of it. I believe he would have to do that after sitting his coffee down. It can't all be done at the same time.
cash I hid inside the card slots of my wallet is still there. It is. So are the checkbook and credit cards I’ve hidden under the driver’s seat.
Good showing of her relationship, where she has to hide and sneak. Her husband is either controlling, or she is a spendthrift, and he has to watch the money. If he handles the money, how is it he doesn't know she has a checkbook? It will come clear later, I assume.
a shawl, my favorite ‘comfy’ jeans,
Chaco sandals and my favorite jeans,
Two pair of 'favorites'? This makes her sound like a teenager. Is that the intention?
After I adjust my sunglasses, I remove the ten pound weights from my left hand, hiding them in the ashtray without giving them a second thought.
This is a large bump and really could use some detail to clarify. Knowing what she was referring to wasn't evident immediately.
This isn't a 'bad' opening chapter. It introduces the main character, the problem she has, and how she handles it at this first stage. The down issue is the lack of excitement I feel. She's calm and she's telling me what happened without letting me in on her emotional reaction. The chapter needs a good, strong hook to keep it interesting. A hint of mystery maybe, or danger.
My attention gravitates towards
my attention falls onto a locket
The repetition is very noticeable. Can you change one phrase for variety?
Madison would love that locket. She worships Annie, and wants a locket
Who is Annie, and why is she here?
“I’ll call you back.” He speaks listlessly into the phone.
Using this word to describe his voice alerts me he's not too anxious to speak to her, especially since he didn't expect her.
“Shopping…”
“Okay…” He thinks I’m an idiot! I mean…”
“Sorry. I… I.” What are you doing? Spit it out! “I mean, I’m, um, I…”
The corner of his mouth turns up
“If you have time, I mean, I don’t… ” He nervously shoves his hands in his pockets. The unsure expression in his eyes as they dart around
Put each speaker on their own line, along with their own thoughts. Don't separate one speaker's lines when they speak several lines. It's difficult to keep speakers straight, especially when the other's thoughts are inserted in the wrong lines.
They have the best concoctions
They hosted the occasional live band and a diversity y
I haven’t lived here in two decades
How is it possible she knows so much about this place when she hasn't been here in years? Things change, usually. Twenty years with the same painted walls wouldn't look so nice. (peeling) If it's going to be mentioned, a few more details would show new decor in the same scheme as before- or something.
the minute his hand moved down my face and grasp under my chin, ----grasped--
Oh s***. Tell me he can’t read my mind.
He can’t. Thank God.
These lines delute the emotional scene she remembered. They could be removed easily, because the 'flush' is wonderful imagery to show her embarrassment. The first two are 'telling' what the readers will know with the next.
I feel flush after my vivid recollection. “Uh, umm...”
“First, tell me about your kids.” He demands, while slyly picking up the black billfold
I question these two words, and wonder what I missed. They don't fit what I see and hear.
Rubbing the back of his head, he narrows his eyes
How did the back of his head become injured? If two bend at the same time and bump heads, which part of the head is banged?
“Don’t make think. I’m on vacation.”
This phrase needs work. Is a word missing, or is she talking baby-talk?
“Jackson.” His face visibly winces at the sound of his name. “He used to…”
This is awkward and confusing. Talking about two separate men, and calling both of them --he--is confusing to the readers. Reading should be fast, smooth and no bumps.
“I just pray that there is big, bright rainbow waiting for me.”
A word is missing.
“They are with their respective mothers for the weekend;
It's unusual for the father to get full time custody. There's another story here.
“It’s fine, you’re just the one that surprised me this time, that’s all.” I quote.
He chuckles at the reference in my response.
I didn't get the joke of the 'quote'. They both said --surprised--, but...?
As I turn right, the parking lot across the movie theatre
Granted, we weren’t being held up by a stranger trying to rob us,
The transitions into memory could be smoother, especially this one. It appears they both actually 'see' something, and the reader waits for the image that only turns into a memory. Needs to be smoother.
wide-eyed and visibly horrified, laughter begging to escape his throat.
I can't imagine a truly horrified face that wants to laugh. These are two separate emotions. What should the reader see and feel?
But, you don’t feel you have to baby sit me…”
Remove the extra word.
As a draft, this beginning is clear. The reader knows what's happening well enough. It's moving kind of slow, four chapters in and there's been no conflict yet. I haven't seen any hints of things to come, and no sharp hook to keep me on the edge. Comedy is listed, but hasn't appeared yet. The ending is still a complete mystery. That's good, readers shouldn't be able to figure it out too quickly. It's a quiet read that will appeal to a certain audience wanting this type of relaxation. Nothing wrong with that.
Your setting descriptions are excellent, the problem is we don't actually spend any time at any one setting. The cafe is unique, then we go outside to a table beside a lake or pond. I enjoyed seeing the bridges at different points. I imagined them as curved and made from wooden planks, with wood railings. Nice.
Your request said you're stuck, and I can tell. Do you have the ending thought out yet? How do you want it to end? You might work on that end for a while so you can see where the character has to go to get there. I suggest getting some excitement and tension in here if for no other reason than to keep it fun. Make things happen through action. It's boring to only eavesdrop on conversation, and so far that's what is happening. You need to know where the story is going, Make a quick outline, problem, conflict, climax, resolution. Then, fill in some details. You'll soon be unstuck. 
Always - Enjoy your writing!
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by esprit
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