Hi, I noticed your review request and decided to read it. I'm glad I did, it's not bad. You've accomplished a lot already, but it needs work in the areas I've mentioned below.
Remember, a good story isn't good until it's been rewritten to get the kinks out so the good stuff can show. You've talent, I think. Practice as much as possible to fine-tune it. It's not easy but must be done.
Let me know what works, what doesn't work, and if it's believable or not.
I'll do my best. 
You want to come?” said John’s dad.
“Not really, I’m going to the park with Matt.” said John.
What happens if you break you arm or something during your hockey tryouts?”
“Just to be sure, Go do it now! Unless
His tone of speech was calm, conversaational, the exclamation point makes him appear upset. Are you sure it belongs there?
John got up from the floor, dragging his feet and hanging his head he went upstairs to his room. From his window overlooking the street, John saw the icicles.
Try --he--in place of the name here. The name is used often.
The icicles outside John’s window were a sure indication
His neighbor Dennis and his little brother were running by with sleds in tow. Dennis made sure his brother fell behind by tossing his sled into John’s yard
Read aloud and determine where more clarity might be needed. It isn't clear whose little brother this is. --His--is used for John at the beginning of the line, but the second could be either John or Dennis. --his neighbor and his brother--
He could copy the work later before the next day of school.
There are extra words here. The line could stop at --later.--and still be clear. Readers will comprehend when he intends to fix it.
“Are you done with your homework already?” his dad asked.
“It was easy. I’ll be home for dinner. What are we having?” said John
Name tags aren't needed for every line when there are only two people. Readers can tell who's speaking from the words. Don't overuse them because they slow the story down a lot.
Tell your sister to come home for dinner too if you see her at the park.”
These bolded words could be cut to avoid more words than you need. The line will be clearly understood without them.
for dinner too if you see her at the park.
see his older sister Natalie at the park.
grounded or retarded was at the park
Avoid repeating words and phrases to keep them invisible. You don't want readers to begin looking for or at the words. They are pulled from the story. There is always a different way to say something.
John was in the precarious position of falling in between the two groups. His sister had just turned 16.
The younger kids
The older kids
middle school kids
The teenagers
Which two groups?
his hockey stick. He threw it over his shoulder with his skates dangling from the end of his stick
Ending the line at --stick--would work, avoiding repeats and extra words.
watching the older kids play on the far side of the pond.
Well, we know he isn't in this group.
“For what? Those jerks?
Scouting? What for, all those guys are already on the team.”
This raises the question of why a younger boy is scouting older, more experienced players. Is he just simply watching them as he says later? You could simplify here to keep it clear.
“I don’t know then. I didn’t feel like standing on the side of the game while I waited for you.”
What does he mean by 'scouting'? I thought it meant he was standing on the side of the game, watching their tactics. What did he do instead?
Quinton teams didn’t rebuild, they reloaded
I like this! They sound tough.
Were the ice was thin and uneven.
A typo of --where--
After working up a sweat and then stopping to sit and untie skates outside was the worst.
Clarify. They were already outside, weren't they? Is it a punctuation problem. Try rewording it. I think it says outside feels extra cold after working up a sweat, but I'm guessing.
she’s up at the Barn?” asked Matt.
Yeah, I saw some of the guys go up in that direction a little while ago.” said John.
Since you've made it clear that Matt asked the question, you won't need John's name tag.
John and Matt made their way around the pond and started up the hill toward the Barn. A few kids came exploding out of the woods and over the snow bank on to icy road on their sleds. Laughing and screaming as they passed John and Matt. The park’s own black diamond sled hill was the same one that led to the barn. One had to be careful on their way up.
Good imagery! I can see the moving action and feel the excitement! I think it comes from using the great descriptive --exploding--. Good choice!
As John and Matt grew closer to the barn the sound of laughter
Make the writing tighter by using --they-- instead of repeating the names again.
“Three I think.” said Jerry. “You too, you little guinea.
Good dialogue in this scene. You've brought it to life.
Like a gladiator, John lunged at Tom with the business end of his stick out in front of him
Good bulding of tension. Nice short sentences and action words.
“Mom’s was so good. I’m mean sooo good. I
“Try almost two years, dah Natalie, since mom left.” said John.
--I--mean
--dah--isn't working where it is. Consider removing it or redoing it.
“We’ll tell them I said hi, you’re mom too.
” said Jerry.
Typos of --Well--and --your--
John and Matty started their separate ways down the hill.
As they turned the corner to head home there was Tom. He was peeing against the side of the barn.
This doesn't match the setting of earlier. (to me) They walked up the hill toward the barn. When they left, they went down the hill, away from the barn. Which corner did they turn and how did the barn get there?
It sounds like they reached the barn on their way up and may have gone around behind it to find sister, but that wasn't mentioned in the first description.
By now the crowd was growing quite. Matt lay on the
Typo of --quiet--
I’m gonna make sure you ass can’t skate.”
Typo of --your--
So, what’s up? What are you two doing up hear?
Typo of --here--
The fact of the death is handled with grace and respect. Life goes on and each character realized that. I like the way they interacted as a family. They were real. I could see dad stumbling in the kitchen, attempting to make a favorite dish, and the memories it brought to each of them. Good, realistic emotion.
It's a good story, I felt it believable. It needs work, but I've tried to show that in the review. It's definitely worth rewriting. Enhancing the action, emotion, attitudes of the characters, all those details will bring the piece to life. Don't try to hurry it, and don't forget to read it aloud from time to time. Your ear will begin to hear the bumps with practice.
I hope this helps in your rewrites. Reading it was fun, I like the kids.
}The rate only reflects the stage that this draft is in at the moment.
by esprit
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