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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello, kiyasama

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please ReviewOpen in new Window.

This is a well written piece. The scenes are described clearly and they're easy to visulize. The theme of a young man who is a bit shy, is presented well. I enjoyed the read.

I believe it could be tightened to keep it smoother. I also wonder if devoting a para each to the other three male characters is necessary. It is if this is only a chapter and they will play parts later, but knowing what they each do didn't seem necessary to me. It makes them more important to the story than they really are; I expected to hear from them again before the ending.

“You see our good buddy here.” There’s a slap on my shoulder causing me to wince and almost spit out my sandwich across the table. “See our good buddy here hasn’t even dated a chick in like…” I watch his mayo-greased fingers extend as he counts. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. “Five months. Five fugging1 months, man. Can you beat that?”

The first para has a couple of bumps that prevented me from being hooked at the onset. I suggest keeping it as tight as possible. For instance the first bolded line could be cut because --good buddy--is used again to show the situation. Beginning with the slap on the shoulder is a better hook, in my opinion. It catches the readers attention. Cutting --There's--and changing to --A slap--or --The slap--would keep it clear.

The bolded word --out--could be cut to tighten. It's an obvious result of -spitting-.

The footnote is interesting, but is it necessary? The word is self defining, and it draws the readers away from the story to read the footnote.


for the freak accident he had last year while riding a tractor on his dad’s farm.

This may be only a bump from this one reader, but, I wondered if he was riding or actually --driving--it. Since he's an adult, I wondered why he was riding along as a passenger. If he was working, he would be driving. And why will readers need to know this?


his current beau some hottie from Las Vegas, in his Communications class. I think she

I've only heard --beau--in describing a boy-friend, never a female. But, this may be correct in other languages. I just wanted to mention it.


or basketball nor do I love NASCAR, in case you haven’t figured that out by now.
Now, before you go screaming ‘nerd alert’,


It’s been three days since I saw her, and believe me, I’ve spent every waking moment thinking about
That’s one of my ‘problems’, you know. I never tend to quit

Speaking directly to the readers is advised against by many teachers. It can be done, but only if it's consistent and clear from the beginning until the end. It's a particular narrating style. Since it isn't used but a few times, it isn't consistent and it reminds the readers they are only reading a story. Their attention will be averted. Mine was.


Clay’s saying as he pokes his salad and then flourishes a lettuce in my face.

--a--can be cut easily. A lettuce shows me a -whole head of lettuce-. This is only a fork-full, so lettuce is a clearer visual.


My heartbeat is beginning to skip a little bit faster.
She smiles and darn if my heartbeat doesn’t skip a beat.


The repetition is noticeable, try to use a good phrase only once in a short story. It sounds awkward to me, too. Try playing with the phrase a bit. --my heart skips a beat--or --My heart is beginning to skip faster.-- My suggestion is to lose some of the extra words, and cut one of the phrases. Say it with different words.


Tom says as he all but shoves me out to the floor.

This is awkward to see and read. I definitely suggest cutting the word --out--.


“Then what’s my name?” she asks, smiling a little as if knowing I won’t know the answer to it.

These two bolded words could be cut for wordiness, to tighten.


"Stephanie!” I cry out in the middle of a Chemistry class,

Good showing of excitement and emotion. I was glad he remembered.
*Smile*

She rolls her eyes and shifts her book from her left to her right arm

I noticed that she carried a lot of English Literature books the last time, so it would only make sense for her to be around…

This is an inconsistency. -A book- is what the reader saw.


I like the theme of shyness winning out. You're a good writer, and are excellent with descriptions. Just cutting the extra words to tighten will polish this well.



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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Voxxylady

I found your item during a search for 'character tips'. Did you know there are only three items under these keywords?

You've some great tips on building good, strong characters. I especially liked your 'Live with your character' bit. I was going to comment on the 'while you're arguing politics' part, but your piece is rated E, so I can't. *Smile*

One more hint: be sure to people watch

I believe this is one of the best tips anyone can give. It's easy, natural and you can find some great characters.

I enjoyed the lesson.
Well done!



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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello, Joy

I found your item during a search for 'character tips'.

I think you've a gold mine of material here. You've been building on it for a quite a while. I didn't see a header for 'character tips', but I know they're in here somewhere. I did see many other things that caught my attention.

Without paying attention to style, technique, or revision, an unattended work is at best an entry to a diary. In order to deserve to be called a writer, it is essential to understand and accept the enormous amount of work lying ahead of us.

I like that! *Smile*

Besides tips for us writers, you've adapted an open, friendly style that invites a reader to stay a while.

Well done!




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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Vivian

I found your item during a search for writing tips. You have several items listed there, good use of the keyword.

I was curious of how many of us used the keyword section effectively when we create new item, so I'm randomly researching. *Smile*

You've handily bundled your newsletters on the same page to make it easier for people to find their genre.

Well done!



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Review of Old Chip  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello, elliwakey

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You've written a very good limerick! The rhythm and rhyme are perfect. The meter stays true all the way. Good job!

Old Chip
Intro Rated:
Non-E

One of my first attempts at a limerick, was a lot of fun to write.


There are no NON-E words in this Intro. The Intro is only the title and brief description. I suggest going into the Edit page for this item and changing the Intro Box to E so this will appear on all the lists. Some won't accept NON-E.


Well done!


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Review of Not decided  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, kuarawuara

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I like this, it's good!

It's good and tight and reads quickly. The characters are being developed well, the plot is well laid out - no confusion at all. I like the bits of humor scattered through, too.

I didn't find much to comment on, but I pointed out what I did notice.

The opening is good. It caught and held my attention just as it should.

No-one quite knows why

This is spelled --no one--dash isn't commonly used.


Every 231 years and 2 months, magic went away. It stayed away for 231 years and 1 and a half months and then came back.

This is funny and made me laugh. I think kids will notice it at once, and adults will appreciate it.


and he wasn’t quite sure the numbers were in the right order, but it the big hand was definitely quite a bit past the top.

The bolded word is only a typo of an extra word to be cut.


He looked at the glass. It was full to the top. He frowned again.

A good hook of anticipation! Keep the readers reading.
*Smile*

He turned round and came face-to-face with Mrs Fonsell. He stepped automatically to the side so she would bump into an invisible person.

Did you mean this or is it a typo of --wouldn't--? Stepping aside shows he was moving out of her way to me.


‘Biten!’ and Kral grabbed hold of his brother.

‘All right, all right! Ow! It’s this big ceremony.


Good dialogue voice for boys. It's natural and realistic. Good work.


Phil sounded close to tears. Kral wondered what he would do if his everyone he knew had suddenly disappeared. He felt sorry for Phil.

This word must be an extra word left in from editing. If not, I suggest cutting it - it bumps.


If it wasn’t for Phil, Kral wouldn’t have given up and gone home in about half an hour. But Phil didn’t mind it being dark.

Here's your missing --wouldn't --from above. This one should be --would--.
*Smile*

Loke just nodded. Kral took a deep breath, feeling sick. ‘Loke,’ he said, ‘what if I can’t?’
There was no answer. They went on in silence.


This is another good hook for the chapter ending. It would definitely keep the reader turning the page. I can feel and hear his worry and doubt.


I like the interaction of the family. They are alive and natural, real. The prayers are creative, but be aware some may take offense since this is for children. I think it works perfectly, since it is isn't overdone.

The idea is good and the story is well written. You're a good writer! I see talent here.

Well done!



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Review of Jared's Decision  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, Kiya§ama

I found your item posted for feedback on "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

I couldn't find any specific requests on what you wanted the reviewers to concentrate on, so I just read. *Smile*

It's a good story, and it's written very well. The characters are well developed for a short piece, I could see and hear them clearly. The voices were natural. The emotion is good and strong to carry the readers along and hold their interest.

I wondered if Jared yelled back at his parents. Jakey's comment on Jared and Dad sounding the same when angry told me he might have, but it's not definite; he may have been referring to hearing Jared angry at some other time. He was so sad and quiet before, I couldn't imagine his yelling at his parents. I heard his parents though, and could see him standing quietly, listening to them.

I can hear him rising to his feet just as the garage door open to let in my parents’ car.

A typo of --opens--?


only to feel my balls shrivel in fear as the first piercing scream is heard.
father’s deep bellow of rage
in a voice that’s barely audible, but I can still hear it and the words will continue to haunt me for as long as I live.
bear to listen to his harsh intake of breath, the choked sob


These are only some of the excellent 'showing' of emotion. Good use of the real thing, and the body language brings it to life.


“I thought…” Jared begins in a voice that’s barely audible, but I can still hear it and the words will continue to haunt me for as long as I live. “I thought you of all people would understand me, Jakey.”

I noticed this jump from the timeline. The story begins and ends in present time, but this reverts to a memory, a backflash that is out of place. It's a pretty good bump for the reader.


I press my ear
I walk silently
I run to his bed
I dash to his closet
I run to the
I slide to the


It's difficult to write in this POV and not become redundant or cause annoyance to the readers. You've done a tremendously good job with it. These began to pop up and become noticable though. They really pull the reader out of the intense emotional action, and remind them it's only make-believe. The story is liable to lose its power with too many 'I's.


It's a good story and I truly enjoyed the read.

esprit


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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Judity

I noticed a review of this on the public review page and as soon as I knew the topic wanted to read it. There's a lot of discussion on reviewing this week, and I think it's about time!

I'm so glad you wrote this piece. You've said something very important, and it's not only for newbies either. *Smile*

The main reason I'm writing this general "thank you" note is to let newcomers on this fantastic writing site know it's okay to receive bad reviews now and then. Some of my pieces certainly have. However, and it's a big however, to stop writing because of these is to deny yourself of the chance to learn and grow as a writer.

One thing none of us should do is to compare our work with that of others.


The piece is written well, the content is excellently presented. You know what you're talking about, and it shows.

Thank you and Well done!

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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Sweets

I'm searching out articles on reviewing and found yours. Actually, the title caught my eye and I knew you would want to know of the typo in it.

Reviews... A Necesary Evil

You've made some good points here, it's written with a good, strong voice. I can feel the energy running through it.

All reviewers approach their job in their own ways, and it sounds like you're confident with yours. It's a bit strong in areas, you might scare off some writers. *Smile*

I agree with choosing from the request a review page, I do too.

I enjoyed reading this one,

Well done!

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Review of ANONYMOUS RATERS  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello, sherri gibson

I found this on the public review page and the title pulled me in.
This is a great rant! I can feel the anger jump right off the page. Good job!

Oh, I noticed the Intro Rate is NON-E. There are no non-E words in your title or BD; if you changed it to E more members would see it.

Well done!

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This item number is not valid.
#1191321 by Not Available.


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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, winklett

I found your article on the main page.

I enjoyed the read, especially the area of a child's personality fitting the name. That's interesting. I wish I'd thought of that when I was naming my children - they all have 'normal' names. *Smile* and their personalities are all over the place.

How about Mike?” he suggested, “Or Bill?” I regarded at him with thinly-disguised disdain

It isn't clear who spoke this phrase. It could be either one the way its worded and formatted.

--I regarded at him-- the meaning of the phrase isn't clear. -regarded at- sounds odd to me.


It's interesting and well written, almost perfect.


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Review of Possibility  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Samar

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is good advice, and I enjoyed the read. It reads smoothly and is easy to understand. The first line though, seems off to me.

Find a place for me in your heart.

This is the only place --me--is referred to, and I wonder who or what it is intended to be. I kept waiting for the answer, but it's never given. You could just remove that line to avoid the question. I don't think it would affect the piece.


Breath out the disturbances

A typo of --Breathe--


part of you that you cant seem to identify

There are two of these. The apostrophy is lost.


You've done a good job with this inspiring piece.

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Review of Skinned  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, redxrain3

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is very good! It caught and held my interest at once. You placed little hoooks through-out to keep me reading. Good work.

I found this very beliveable and narrated well. It's easy to read and understand - good imagery too.

The main scene is excellent. Where he screams. *Smile*

My first day on duty, I felt more confident and secure than I had my entire life; the second day, even better;

The two days prior had been rather bleak and boring.

With these written as they are, it seems contradictory. Perhaps a word or two in the first sentence to say nothing happened, would clear it up.


One such was labeled clearly only the bottle: you

A typo.


I heard the touch of humor in the narrator's voice, and it made this a most enjoyable read. You're a good writer and I look forward to reading more of your work.


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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello, LittleMissDarkness

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a great opening! It jumps right into action and danger - good hooks!

It reads easily and fast, you're doing a good job with it. The plot isn't actually shown yet, but there are hints of the problem this girl faces. Enough to keep the reader turning the pages.

Here are the things I noticed as I read.

shirt of her dress and pulled her to her feat with a jerk.
She kicked her feat off a rock that was several feet

The bolded words are all spelled -feet--.


They stripped off her cloak and the bottom of her dress leaving her in barely rags.

This word can be cut to tighten the line. I think it shows the same thing without it. Avoiding extra words whenever you can is important.


Several times she felt she was going to die. She hit her head several times off of the rocks and

Sometimes you'll need to repeat a phrase, but I don't think you need to here. The first bolded phrase could be cut to avoid the repeating. --She felt she was going to die.--is good by itself. What do you think? Tighter is tenser, and this is a tense scene.


As she turned one more around a bend,the water picked up

A typo of --once--


She grabbed her neck to see if her necklace was still there. Yes. It was there. The only thing left of her father.

She couldn't have done this with her hands tied. Maybe save this for after her hands are freed.


Something dark lurking in the shadows of the trees. She sat up and looked behind her. A boy was standing along the edges of the river bank. He had dark brown hair and big brown eyes

It isn't clear if the --something dark-- is the same as the boy. It may be two different people. I wonder if she could see the color of his eyes from where she was? Especially if he's in the shadows. Perhaps that can be shown after he pulls her to her feet?


I like the title, it sounds mysterious and it's a great hook to cause a reader to pick up the book.

This scene is shown very well; the thing is, I didn't feel any emotion from her. I should feel her panic, her terrible fear. She didn't gag on water as it covered her head. I suggest adding bady language to describe how she felt and how she dealth with the water.

She recovered too fast I think. She'd been through a horrible ordeal, but upon seeing the boy, she immediately thought him handsome. Her priority would be on her life, at that point - wouldn't it? Did she have any water in her lungs? Did she have to cough and sputter for a few minutes? Did her head hurt? Was there a lump on it from hitting the rocks? These are small details that would make this more believable to the readers. They would bring life to the character and the readers could see her and feel fear for her. If she's calm while being rushed through the rapids, the readers won't feel anything either.

Again, the action is good - adding emotion will bring it to life.


You're doing a good job and I look forward to reading the next chapter!

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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, dark harbinger

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This promises much tension and excitement. You're off to a pretty good start. It's an enjoyable read with good imagery. I could see and feel the action clearly.

These are some things I noticed as I read.

The silvery-grey moon had cast an ominous light onto the windows of the great stone giant.

This is a good, strong image! Good job!


and it seemed almost natural with the vines that grew up the stone walls. It had been abandoned long ago.

I believe you mean this appears almost as a natural landscape, not man-made, but it isn't clear. Another word or two would fix it.


He quickly blew out the candle he had lit before snatching up the bag

These are extra words that will cause your work to become wordy if there are too many. These aren't needed because the readers already know he had lit them. I suggest cutting them.


"No time for saddles, just get on!"

I like this scene. It's danger is felt, the words show the urgency. Simple and concise!


"No time for saddles, just get on!"
Karn awoke with a start as a sharp pain shot through his side.


Add something to show a passing of time and scene between these lines. Many use an extra space and asterics. *** or ###

This sounds like Karn was dreaming this whole affair and I was a bit disappointed. It took a bit of reading to set me straight. *Smile*

While we're on the subject of extra spaces, add a space between each paragraph and each new speaker line. Online reading requires space for the ease of reading. The page will look neater and cleaner too.


This is a good beginning. Action is always a good hook. The reader doesn't have a grip on the plot yet, so I have no idea where the story is going to take me. I'm curious though, and look forward to the next chapter. Nothing is learned of the characters in this chapter. It sets the mood and shows an urgency. That may be enough of a hook to hold the readers, since there is a strong feeling of danger.

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As a first draft, it's coming along well. I liked it.


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Review of The Plan Begins  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello, RainSeeker

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This story moves fast, and that's a good thing sometimes, but there are details left out when it goes too fast. I suggest slowing down and moving from scene to scene moe clearly. This reader is unable to keep up. *Smile*

Jay ran out of the diner after almost forgetting to pay. He had to tell his roommate, Scott, about his plan.

He threw the door open, "Scott, you won't-Oh God!"


This is an example of what I meant by scene changes. Jay ran from the diner and I thought he was trying to catch up to Scott. I thought 'the door' was the the door of the diner. I thought that all the way down to this line:


with a pillow, "Um, Clara's at my place."

Details showing where he went and how he got there would be helpful in following the storyline.


"Anyways, would you mind if I saty here tonight?" --only a typo.

After sitting in the kitchen, talking and snacking on cookie dough, Nellie pulled a blanket out from her room and put it over Jay on the couch.

I thought she was talking to Jay in the kitchen, but apparently, he's already on the couch. If she isn't talking to herself, show them together and show him leaving the room to lie down. Details to tie the scene together.


"No, it's beautiful," he said. Then he remembered what he'd wanted to know last night, "Hey, what's your favorite instrument? I mean, to listen to?"

She smiled, "The piano."

Separate each speaker with a space between them. Also, each paragraph. It makes it easier to read and looks neater.


but he normal just stuck to being a wiry looking guy and din't try

--normally-- and --didn't--

I found too many names to know who was who. It's usually a good idea to let readers know one or two at a time, then introduce others clearly.


Jay was standing in the doorway with a pillow,

Where and when did he pick up the pillow? He didn't go into his apartment.

I believe if you slowed down and added the details, this would be quite good. The energy is good - I feel they are young adults. They're sociable and friendly. Be sure and work on the different personalities so the readers will know them as well as you do.


"I don't know, I haven't don-"

This is a fun line! It's introducing Clara well. Is she the 'airhead' of the group?


I hope my feedback helps during your second draft revision. I like the theme.

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Review of Whzzzzz-click.  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello, James.

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I noticed another review of this on the Public Review page and it inspired me to read this piece. It's a wonderfully tense piece. It hooked me in immediately and held my attention. Everything is clear and written with good imagery - the reader can see the scene unfold and holds his breath at the end. Good, tense writing! The emotion and characters are strong. The repeated title phrase is an excellent hook.

No typos or other issues found, good proofreading, too. *Smile*

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There is no need for a non-E Intro rate, as there are no non-E words in the title or brief description. It would be more readily found if you changed the Intro to E. The content rate is correct.

Well done!

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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, worldbuilder

Welcome to Writing.Com!

The tone is serious and grave. I sense an important message trying to show itself, but it's just too vague to be understood.

And that people from the past have proposed solutions to reverse such damage. But these solutions are not convenient. Our children’s lives are not convenient to us. It's that simple.

I understand the basic theme of 'children are not convenient', and I see it too - I agree it's an awful thought. What isn't clear is the 'proposed solutions'. Adding details to the thoughts will pull the readers in and allow them to understand what is being said.
What theories are being tried? Why? What is happening? It needs clarity.


The children are dieing. --dying--
But not for shear entertainment. --sheer--

It's a good beginning draft. Fill in the details and clarify the meaning and it'll be all set.


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Review of Faltering Ego  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, Nicki G

Welcome to Writing.Com!

The message is written clearly and is easily understood. The emotion is good, I feel pain and sorrow. A bit of loneliness. Good work showing the heartbreak and anger.

I only found a few typos for you.

tell me how you where when you were my age.

--were--


and your not me
im not you andyour not me and quit
and your still not comprehending

These are --you're--for 'you are'


im not you
thats all I

The apostrophies are all missing and they mar the presentation of the work. If you're pasteing from your computer, you will probably lose them. Check and correct before posting. Readers will notice these things.


and slowely crashes down,

--slowly--


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It's a good piece of prose that only needs work on the presentation.

Well done!

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Review of Does it take  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, Mike Hughes

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is really pretty good. The tone is sorrowful I feel the tears very close to the surface. Good strong emotion.

I like the lines, too. But, I think there are too many repeats. They really pull the reader out of the message. It is tiring to read. I think one to a verse would be more powerful. (the opinion of a reader) Just varying the beginning of the lines would fix this for me.

I didn't notice any typos at all, and that's always a good thing. The message is clear and heartbreaking. The emotion is excellent.

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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Sir Weatherbee of Franhag

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a fun short piece, that took a bit of good imagination. Good job! The setting is described well and I felt I was there.

It reads easy.

The only thing I noticed was the use of --as--. It was only used four times, not too many, but it felt as if it was used much more. (to me) It isn't a good connector word if you can find another, better choice. Play with the lines and read them aloud - you may be safe with cutting most of them. Usually, the lines say the same thing without adding extra words.

As was the custom, it came out on a sliver platter to people singing and dancing around it

I wonder how this is to be seen by the readers? I see a small, silver platter appear, with tiny people dancing on the table. Is that the correct image?


My mouth exploded in a frenzy of goodness

Wonderful expression!


This is humorous and easy to visualize. Good job!

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Review of Bear tree  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, frontierman

Welcome to Writing.Com!

The basic message is almost lost in allegory. You've asked a couple of questions that you didn't answer. It leaves the reader wondering what exactly you're trying to say. Life isn't fair? Some questions can't be answered?

What is unalienable, like the rights of man?

Is --inalienable-- the word?


How many shows had I watched on myself that had convinced me I really didn’t want or realistically expect?

I don't understand this line. It isn't finished and is worded awkwardly.


I knew from watching cartoons that bears ate picnic baskets and had vague inklings that they might eat campers from looking at forestry department material.

This line needs punctuation to be read with clarity. This shows bears eating baskets and inkling to eat campers after looking at brochures. The narrator knows this to be true. Of course I know that isn't what is meant, but it is what is said.


I guess I wasn’t ready for the King of the forest to be eating bugs and doing major damage to dead logs. What was it that I wanted and needed?
...fairness doesn’t grow on trees


This is three different thoughts running together. Tie them together through clarity so readers have no problem understanding and believing what you're saying. I know the tie between the bugs deep inside the log and questions deep inside ourselves, it only needs more clarity to be understood with ease.


You've a good beginning. Keep the basic theme crystal clear even while using allegories.

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Review of A Key to Paradise  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello, barry

I found your request for serious feedback on "Please ReviewOpen in new Window. would greatly appreciate serious feedback

I'm sorry to bring the average rate down, but I will try to explain my reasoning. *Smile*

Angie, arrived home two hours earlier. The seventeen year-old collected the mail and laid it out—sales fliers, junk mail, credit card applications, magazines and assorted bills—on the bed along with the court letter perched conspicuously on top

Grace Paulson crumpled the letter from the district court and flung it in the trash.
Angie was sure to ask about the letter,

As Grace crossed the hall and entered her daughter’s bedroom,

There are many words of description concerning the letter and its importance, so I have to ask. Which room is she in while reading it? Which bed was it lying on? I assumed Angie placed it on her own bed, but apparently not. If it had been placed on the kitchen counter or a table, I wouldn't have these questions, but the bed seems an unusual place to set the mail, to me.


she caught her reflection in the mirror. For the lanky woman who turned forty on
porcelain-pale, complexion were still her most appealing feature; the oval face and slender neck were classic Modigliani.


As soon as I read the words 'she caught her reflection', I knew I was about to hear her describe herself and I groaned. *Smile* It is so cliched and obvious. Honestly, I still don't 'see' her - physically. Is it important? Did she really think this description of herself? porcelain-pale,--classic Modigliani? My first thought was conceited and narcissistic.


“As I recall, Gina Grabowski acuse a male teacher

A typo of --accused-- There are several more of these types scattered through. You'll find them when you read to edit.


“About the book,” Grace pressed.
“It’s no big deal!”
“You’re not planning…”
“Cripes, it's just some dopey book!”


I wondered why Grace is so much more concerned about this than she was with others in the past? Why is she overreacting?


It was midday and most teachers at Brandenberg Middle School were eating lunch in the staff dining room. Ed Grayson, Chairman of the English Department, entered the room. Ed was a bit of an oddity at Brandenberg. Frail, with a pencil moustache and effete, self-absorbed expression, he kept apart from the rest of the staff but was not unfriendly or unapproachable. A real bookworm. Under his left arm was a tattered, hard-covered volume which he placed on the table. The binding of the book was coming unglued, the spine just barely holding the frayed, yellowed pages together.

This sounds like a script of description for a play or movie. Intended to show a character what to do. I suggest rewriting with his movement and descriptions working together more naturally.


“How long has Carl been working at Brandenberg?” It felt weird using his first name.

So why did she use it? Why did it feel weird?


“Damned if I know. A couple years at least.” She grinned wickedly. “Seems like we got ourselves a real mystery here.”

Wow, why is everyone taking the news of a janitor knowing about a piece of literature so strangely?


Sub-Plots?

Angie developed a spiritual wanderlust---

Ed Grayson, Chairman of the English Department---

Carl, the janitor’s helper,--


There seems to be many sub-plots being developed. A couple can make a long story more interesting and is needed to hold the interest; but too many at once could cause confusion by the reader losing track of the main story.


“You know that custodian, Carl, ...the janitor’s helper,” Grace spoke in a casual unassuming

Ed Grayson will be waiting to ambush the Janitor’s Helper.”
Grace cringed hearing the term coming from someone with little more than a high school education—

One freckle-faced, floppy-eared boy, who reminded Grace in a twisted sort of way of Alfred E Newman
but her mind balked at the effort. What if this silly kid ended up marrying the girl of


This is reinforcing her image of being conceited - snobbish, to me. She can say 'janitor's helper', but the common clerk is out of place? She can't see the boy as a success because of how he looks? I don't know if I should be leaning toward liking her or not. I can't figure her out yet. If this is done purposely, to catch the reader, you're doing a good job. I hope she grows and changes along the way.
*Smile*

in the early 1600’s. The Wampanoag Tribe presently numbered about 1500 on the Cape. Each July 4th they joined with other tribes from across the country to celebrate their traditional customs, folklore and dance.

Ospreys were one of the largest birds of prey in North America. The wingspan alone


There is quite a bit of 'education' thrown in that sidetracks the reader from the theme of the story. I really haven't quite grasped the main theme yet, because of all the sidebars. You may want to tighten this up to stay on topic, at least until you've hooked the reader.


She saw little of Carl during this time. He seldom ate his lunch in the staff dining room and was either working snow removal or doing repairs in some other wing of the building.

I'm surprised she even remembers this much (after a year) about a man she's paid no attention to at all.


His eyes shrouded over, turned dull and inward as he leaned into his work. Rinsing the water after each pass, he swabbed the floor down with smooth, muscular strokes, paying special attention to the baseboards and space under the heating vents.

She's correcting papers, not paying any attention to him. Would she notice the special care he gave? Why? Could she really see his eyes from across the room?


Wait. She did know something else about the enigmatic mystery man.

Why is she suddenly so intriqued with this man? Is it so unusal for a man to know literature that it becomes the bane and talk of the staff? I can't make the connection on so little. I like that he is a mystery, it's catching my attention; but I'm not surprised that he can read and understand what he's read. There must be something more that has caught her interest so thoroughly. Maybe I just don't want to believe teachers are so egotistical to think they know more than anyone. Especially lowly janitors. I know some are, though.
*Delight*

As a long novel, this begins pretty well. I can't say it really caught my attention though, or convinced me to read on. It rambles and touches on too many topics along the way. (for me) I believe if it was tightened to concentrate on one or two aspects until the reader is hooked, it could then be opened up to more sub-plots slowly. You know readers want to know as much as possible as soon as possible. They aren't patient. Perhaps your intended audience is? Do you have a particular audience in mind?

I admire any that can write novels, it takes endurance that short story writers don't need. This is going to be good I think, surprises and twists are hinted at. I think I know where it's going by the title. Cutting extraneous info and tightening will pull it together well, I think.

I hope this helps some, that's its only purpose. *Smile*






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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello, darkness

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Intro Rated:
Non-E


There is no reason for the Intro to be rated Non-E. This applies to the title and brief description only. You have no non-E words there. If you change it to E, more people will find it. The Content rate is good at 13+.


You've outlined the scene well. It shows basically what happened. Now, fill in the details so the reader will understand the 'why' and 'who'. You want to involve the reader and to do that, they need to have all the questions answered.

There are spelling issues that hamper and slow the reading. You have SpellCheck available, It will highlight the spelling errors for you, all you have to do is look them up in a dictionary to correct them. It will affect your rates.

all words I hear daily, gone, left, go on, all words I hear daily

Be aware of repeating words and phrases too often and too close together. It pulls the reader away from the story. I suggest cutting one of these.


that she wouldn't come back,never gone, forvere like a flash dead befor my eyes,

What is meant by this bolded phrase? --never gone--


death comes my choice of path.

I suggest a slight switching of word order to make the line clearer.
--becomes my path of choice.--What do you think?


A good beginning outline that needs details to tell a clear story.

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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, PENsive says Happy New Year!

This is a fun piece to read, and I loved the humor. I could see, understand and feel the message - I've been there many times. *Smile*

I enjoyed the light tone and friendly style; it's easy to read and written perfectly. No bumps

Well written!

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