Wow! What creativity and loads of talent. I truly love this piece.
I could relate to it right away. Absolutely beautiful; I love the tone, the pace and the rhythm was perfect. If I point out everything I like I'd give the whole piece away, so I'll let them read for themselves what a little gem this truly is. Thank you so much for sharing and I look forward to more from your port.
Anyone who writes poetry as well as you do, should never be treated bad by anyone, at anytime. I love your writing and you do come off as very smart and with a very caring heart. I love the way you paint a picture of what its like on the job and how you and the company must play the game. These words stick like glue...
"I find enough care to be
The helpful one around the place,
But my job is based on mediocrity,
Some common sense can make that case...
I come across as really smart,
But my job is kind of dumb -
So I continue to play my part;
Without pride, I feel so glum!"
It just shows no matter how mediocre the job, taking pride in whatever you do takes fortitude. Thank you for sharing and I'll be back to read more of your fine poems.
Sincerely
Marlena
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What wondrous prisms of radiance you’ve weaved into this piece, piecing each tiny fabric into an intricate scheme. Lovely and breath taking, this poet finds. I found so many delightful corners in which to sit and contemplate, about life, endings and beginnings.
Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful piece; it was most enjoyable.
Sincerely
Marlena
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What a beautiful poem; filled with so much emotion of love and caring for a country filled with both so much love and at the same time so much hate. I have had a clear picture of one sitting on a perch high in a tree; I was overwhelmed with my own emotion when I read these following words:
"Depressing at what we can't be,
gazing at what we wish we were."
My breath caught in my throat when I came to these words. Thank you so much for sharing these wonderful words. It is amazing how wise you are for one so very young. You are certainly a beautiful Rising Star.
Love always
Marlena
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A love story; made in heaven and a tiny gem, soon to make it perfect. My heart was crushed by the sadness that was to come and the loss of both mother and child. I hope I’ve interpreted that last part wrong. The flourish of your words lay beautiful upon the page. It was truly a pleasure to read.
Suggestions:
Please continue to write. I promise to come again to read.
My favorite line/s:
“Oh, Prince, forgive my sad and sorrowed screed,
Writ on the tattered remnants of my heart.
Repair with healing solace in my need;
Though drawn together once, now torn apart.”
Final Thoughts:
A beautiful poem of love and a loss.
Thank you for sharing with our Circle of Sisters’, and Good luck in the contest.
It didn’t take long to realize that Aunt Jane was an ol’ Meany. The thought of having to leave my child with her would cause me to panic. But I thought you showed the mother’s anxiousness’ about having to leave her daughter with her Aunt, was very good showing.
Suggestions:
What I didn’t see was anything regarding the age of the little girl. Would have been nice, to be able to see her better. Also where was dad going? Wasn’t really clear until close to the end. Over all; very good story and I enjoyed reading.
My favorite line/s:
“Before her was a paper plate containing a ham and cheese sandwich on rye bread. Her sad eyes began to tear up again. I hate rye bread! She sighed. It was going to be a long three days.” Yikes! Kids don’t like rye bread.
Final Thoughts:
A good short story, about mean Aunt Jane and little Teresa.
Thank you for sharing with our Circle of Sisters’, and Good luck in the contest.
What a wonderful rant about those ol’ home owner asso. I could relate to this one very well. When my own children were growing up I had to deal with these same ol’ Home Owner’s Association give me a break, nit pickers. Kids couldn't be in the pool after a certain hour etc...wow! I hated it. I am really glad that my Rising Star jaan told me I'd love your work. She was so right and I'm looking forward to reading a lot more of your work. I love your poem, I only have one suggestion and that would be to remove (go) from
"When kids only want to go PLAY?" It took a little away from the easy flow. Just a suggestion.
Thanks for the great read and I'll be coming back soon.
Sincerely
Marlena
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Open heart is told beautifully and without holding anything back.
Breaking through to where love is pure and knows no boundaries.
You're heart poured all of the feeling within you into this piece and what came forth was honesty and truth. Touching and inspiring for those who know the pain of open, wounded hearts. Thank you for sharing and welcome to Writing.Com.
What a sweet tribute to a loving friend - who will be missed for always. Sometimes things come without warning and it breaks are heart and takes a long time to forget that they won't be here to laugh and talk with us. But your tribute speaks to her; and reminds us to always say good - night to someone we love, because we never know what tomorrow will bring. Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful tribute with us and welcome to Writing.Com.
Sincerely
Marlena
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I do like the way you split your words, and some how I feel like
you sing the words before putting pen to paper.
Sometimes in our heart of hearts we do fall for someone like a ton of bricks, only to be embarrassed by the very feel of the blood rushing to our face when those feeling are not shared by the other. I like it very much, and I'll be reading more from your port. Thank you for sharing and welcome to Writing.Com.
Sincerely
Marlena
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Just passing through your port with some Simply Positive things on my mind and to let you know I am really loving your port.
I noticed this piece right off since it’s about the California school system, and I live in So. Cal. in fact I was born and raised in Cal. and as was my mother and her sisters, so we go a long way back. My three sons graduated from some of the best schools in Los Angeles with no incidents to speak of, thank God. My grandchildren go to the finest schools in the Inland Empire, and I worry about them daily, not about school uprisings or drive by shootings, but about trusting those who grade their papers and see them to the school bus.
I fully agree about the schools and what parents are up against more today than even when your daughter was in school. I never thought I'd see the day when every time I tune into CNN, I am hearing about shootings on school campuses or teachers molesting students or vice - verses. Or someone; accusing our teachers of selling drugs to the children. If I had small children today I for one would do just what you're doing! I'd feel more comfortable with home schooling, your article hold’s some very valid questions, and answers for parents and grandparents to moll over. I'm so glad I was able to read another parent who had these worries about our children’s well being.
Thank you so much for sharing this story with us today.
What a beautiful thought for someone who is more beautiful than anything that has ever been in the writer’s life. This love is innocent, and pure which brings a joy that eliminates all the ugly, vile and worthless things that have made life worth living from this beautiful point of view. Thank you for sharing and welcome to Writing.Com.
Sincerely
Marlena
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What a lovely tribute to the young woman who saved that little girl’s life. I like how you mixed the story of the letter carrier, who it seemed was in the right place at the right time and was deemed a hero by catching the tiny child into her open arms a few months ago. The story became even more surreal with that of your fictional character in the story. It really brought a real meaning to life of a butterfly. I loved it.
Thank you for sharing this piece with our sisters Sheamus, and good luck in the contest.
Sincerely
Marlena
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I truly believe this story just from looking at the prompt. The visual you painted was surreal and she looks as if she means business this time around. From what the reader sees is that she has taken all she can take of his jerking her around and now she is going on to live her life and hitching a ride, laying it on the line as she heads outa town. In my opinion she must be strong and tough.
The form Hendecasyllabic has a syllable count of eleven syllables per line. Great story
Thank you for sharing this piece with our sisters Sheamus, and good luck in the contest.
This piece flows with out a gap anywhere, fast like a streak of lightning - outlining the blue black night. Quick like the dagger that cut her from behind.
A great story told in the quickening of an eye. I loved it and could read more of it anywhere anytime.
Thank you so much for letting me raid your space, and hopefully we can do this Buddy thing again; another time. I enjoyed your writing so very much.
Sincerely
Marlena
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I think you do know it and I know it and all of wdc knows it. Your poetry is super terrific. I've been trying to get over here to visit your port for weeks, and tonight I said; I’ve just got to visit the poetwhodontknowit. I am so very glad I dropped by...your pen is awesome and your artist pad surreal. Saying all that I'm glad to meet you at last and look forward to returning again and again for the pure inspiration.
Best wishes
Marlena
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The visual of your garden will forever stay in my mind. Like you I love a beautiful garden and I smell as a slight breeze blows into my bedroom window the sweet smell of jasmine. I love the way you describe each delicate bloom and the tree that grows so lovingly in your home. A house is truly blessed when surrounded by such beauty...and so is the keeper of the house; who grows the lovely garden. Thank you for sharing and I'll be back to read more from your port very soon.
Sincerely
Marlena
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I love your article and I will pray that your church will accept this very touching piece. I hope you'll keep me updated when it is published.
Congratulations and good luck in your writing. I feel like everything is always in its place and all His little creatures work to keep the earth whole.
Thank you for sharing and I'll be back very soon to read more from your port. I truly enjoyed my visit tonight.
Sincerely
Marlena
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I certainly can say Amen; to this one. But in the wake of all the things that are happening in the world right now; I can't attest to the invisible part. I like this piece a lot.
Thanks for sharing and keep the
I can see where you’re trying to go with this story and I like it very much. I can see that it needs a lot more editing to remove some paragraphs, and words that are unnecessary. I’m sending you a little of the editing for this piece and hopefully it will give you some understanding of what to use and what not to use.
Writing stories such as this one could be very informative and fun but the over use of so many words could be the downfall to reading, and take your story downhill. I would love to reread it again when it has been edited and I truly love the concept as I am a big fan of little fa’s.
Wow! What a sad story. You allowed me too see the inside of this dark, hollow place this person dwells and the journey was everything you described.
I watched has she tore and pulled at her skin and I cried for her suffering and pain. I could hear the screaming of the many personalities that tried to rip and deprive her of her mind and body.
Then came the end and a quiet calm comes over me and I can feel that she is now at the control and knows that her help lies right there within. I am certain there is peace within.
Thank you for sharing and you did a great job of telling this story. The only suggestion I might offer and it is only a suggestion: try to see this piece not centered maybe indented would work better. Beautiful job I’m glad to call you my buddy.
Hugs
Marlena
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I am so very glad to meet you strong girl,
I am so happy to see that you made it
into the light from a place so dark in your
heart.
Where little girls should not be hurt or abused
by anyone whether friend, family or foe.
It does not matter what you think about who you
are you have plenty of time to decide on that when
you heal.
I am also happy to see that you have a plan for your
life, and that you won't give up on yourself.
You came to a good place, where people care if
you have pain.
There are many groups of young people your age
who have been in that dark place that are
finding themselves and helping others who grieve,
and help them find their place.
Click on the image below and you'll find a friendly place!
I love that He' is your all n all and it is He' who will hold you up when you feel down, save your life should you drown. He' is your Father, Brother, Friend and he will be there for you because He is your personnel Friend. I really enjoyed your writing and it makes me smile to see that you are so grounded in His word.
Welcome to Writing.Com and keep on writing.
Sincerely
Marlena
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