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3,285 Public Reviews Given
3,333 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
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401
401
Review of Dessert  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hey Mumsy,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary!

         I can't write something 55 words in length, lol. I always end up with more. I once wrote a short story, intending it to be 300 words in length so it could be flash fiction. Uh huh. 1000 words. *Smile*

         You did very well in describing the sundae. Made my mouth water! Then you spoiled it all, and told me it was only in a magazine.... Still, very nice! Thank you for sharing.



Sum1

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402
402
Review of Celtic Curses  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hey Elby,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         I found this to me more cute than threatening. *Smile* I know you intended it to be, based on your description of it, but I thought I'd tell you that you succeeded in that endeavor!

         The rhyme is very good, but like many of my poems, the rhythm is a little off in places. It wasn't a game breaker for me, just something I noticed. There was one line that is a little off in wording, just because of a word misplacement, at least in my opinion.

1. Both men of land and sea The way it is currently worded, there are only two men in your family. A slight change of wording says what I think you meant to say. Men of both land and sea


         I did enjoy reading this, thank you for sharing!



Sum1

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403
403
Review of My Heart Today  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hey NJames
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 12th WDC Anniversary!

         I'm a sap for beautiful prayer poetry, this one is very good. No, I'm not overly religious, nor do I attend church regularly. But there's something about a prayer poem that hits me....

         I really liked the repeated line, a refrain of sorts. I could see one on their knees, praying that the Lord knows their heart today. Yet I believe he knows our hearts every day, but in days like this one, you especially want him to know your heart. The flow is excellent, yet the rhythm is a little choppy. It ranges from eight syllables in most lines, to as few as five in at least one. This didn't throw me off too much though, often times words can sweep you away and help you ignore minor things like that. I did see a couple of things you may want to look at, should you decide to edit this.

1. Personal preference here, but center the poem on the page using WritingML.

2. Two lines use the word sweep in them. In a poem this short, it really stands out when you read it a second time, shortly after reading it the first time.

3. Yet hold in faith in faith remain This line seems to need a comma after the first usage of faith.


         Overall, it's a very enjoyable poem to read. Thank you for sharing!




Sum1

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404
404
Review of A Needed Friend  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hey Magoo,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary!

         I really liked this poem of yours. It flowed well, with a nice rhythm and rhyme to it. The abab rhyme scheme was consistent, as was the syllable count with each (8-6-8-6). My only comment on it, and this is not meant to be a detracting one, but more of a questioning one, is this. In the first verse you mention a young girl losing her father, seemingly overseas while serving his country. The rest of the poem is about the girl rescuing a dog that seemed to have been abandoned by its owner. It may be me having a gray hair moment here, but I don't see the connection in the last line, about the 'mom now understood'. Excellent poem, really enjoyed the read. I just didn't get the connection between the last line, and the content.




Sum1

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405
405
Review of Outback Honeymoon  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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Hey LadyOz,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary!

         Sometimes, the best laid plans of mice and men just don't come through, huh. That's the moral I'd take from this story. Well told, well written.

         Being an American, I'd love to spend a night in the outback. But I think I'd like something a little freer or insects and frogs. I'm okay with most things, but you mentioned two things in your story that make my backbone turn to Jello. Spiders. Cockroaches. If we were a couple, you'd be the one killing them while I stood back and offered support.

         You described your honeymoon cottage well, but I think I would have demanded a full refund and left immediately. I'd rather sleep in a car, as uncomfortable as that is, than sleep there. The best thing of the whole adventure though, was the starry sky. I'm envious.

         Like I said before, well done, well written. Thank you for sharing.




Sum1

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406
406
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hey Joe,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         I really liked reading this monologue of yours, even if it is seven years old now. Your sense of humor shone through; I think you and I are a bit alike in some things. Like the questions you asked the store clerk at the sports store. I would bet he's much younger than you and I. Maybe you should have asked where the ping-pong paddles are. *Smile*

         The poem that ended this also gives insight into your personality. I'm not sure what the title 'Brass City' has to do with it over all, but it was still a pleasant read. The first verse threw me for a sec, then I realized how you probably pronounce Cheshire, and realized Cheshire is not pronounced like the cat in Alice in Wonderland. You came across as a warm spirit who has a true love of things around you, and other people. Thank you for sharing.




Sum1

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407
407
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hey RatDog,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 16th WDC Anniversary!

         This is one of those short things one writes that just sit there on their own. Not too long, no character development. But it tells a story very nicely if you ask me. You did well in mentioning the plagues and such, but I'm not sure Pandora's box contained those. I'm not sure what it contained to be exact, but I know it was called 'the evils of the world'. You wrote this though, so it can contain whatever your mind conjured for the story. Just an idea. Have it contain something different than the "same ol' plague" stuff. The evils of the world don't necessarily have to be the traditional stuff after all. How about gambling habits, or betraying friends, maybe even smoking, drinking, etc.... No telling where you could take it. *Smile* I did love your ending though, it fit perfectly. I did see one thing you might want to look at, should you decide to edit this.



1. An the box looked old, really old, like maybe even ancient old. There's a 'd' missing at the end of the first word.




Sum1

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408
408
Review of The Scarf  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hey Lorraine
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 14th WDC Anniversary!

         Wow! I was not expecting this when I clicked on the title! What a beautiful love story!

         I'm a pushover for a good love story, I think all this one needed to push me over was hit me with a feather. You left so much to the reader's imagination, so much of the dinner dialog between Tom and Kat left unsaid. Then again, it wasn't needed. I loved that.

         Yes, I do believe in love at first sight. But I'm wondering where the other stories in the Scarf Short Story series are? (Your description says there were more). *Smile*

         Very well done here. You had me from the get go, and never let go. Thank you for sharing.



1. You may want to do a couple of things formatting wise with this story. Double space your paragraphs, it makes for easier on line reading. Use two spaces between sentences, that too makes it easier to read on line.

2. Please have a seat in the living room and I will inform my parents our dinner quest is here. The way this is worded, the family is going on a quest to find something. Quest should be guest.


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409
409
Review of The Bloody Face  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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Hey Arakun,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary!

         This is an excellent story of premonition! Like you, I love a story with a twist, taking the reader in a direction opposite of where they thought the story was going. I do believe in premonitions, but have never had one myself. Definitely wouldn't want to have one like Sarah was having. *Smile*

         The flow of this was very good, with a dialog that carried the story. With the twist, you showed us the true Dr. Hammond, the psyche she hid from everyone. I would think that she would eventually be caught when authorities realized each of the murdered girls had been seeing her. Of course, none would believe at first, but after a while, things would change. That's beyond this story though....

         I did see one small thing you might want to correct should you decide to edit this.

1. * Image ID #1482338 Unavailable ** I think you originally had an image in this story much like the one Sarah saw.



         Thank you for sharing!



Sum1

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410
410
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (2.5)
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Hey Stowe,
         I found this on the random review page, and when I saw it's your 1st Anniversary, I thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion! *Smile*

         First, I am not a hater (saw that in your profile), and if you are ignoring people who do not praise your work, then you are not looking to improve your writing, are you....

         Your story is very interesting, but confusing. It starts out quickly, making the reader work to grasp an understanding of what's going on. You introduce us to Corbin, Dual, Grandma Syngey, and Orr in a space of a few pages of story line. That is a lot to take in quickly and understand. I like your story, but it does need quite a bit of editing. If you want to improve it so it will receive higher ratings and reviews, or be considered for publishing, then it needs to be reviewed by a professional editor. I am willing to bet that English isn't your native tongue, based on some of the wordings used in the story. If that's the case, then you deserve a major pat on the back for writing in English so well. It's the only language I know, and I have trouble with it at times.

         Below, I've noted a few things you may want to look at should you decide to edit this. Overall, the story line is very good, but the flow is off. You switch between past and present tense on occasion, as well as point of view. These two items are major flaws in a story if you are considering publication. I have to admit that I couldn't finish the story. While I like the storyline, the writing, plot, and flow is so jumbled that I lost interest.



1. One Donticonti per ship per hour, a steady flow off planet to get the chance to become something more that owned. Should 'that' be 'than'?

2. A male human appears from above Corbin's station and dropped into the small space next to her. So far, event have occurred in past tense. This present tense. Be careful shifting tenses in the middle of a story.

3. The male smirked as Corbin. It seems that 'as' should be at.

4. "You really buy that don't you?" Dual asked surprised by my reluctance. This shifts the story from third person to first person. You need to remain consistent in your POV in relating the story.

5. The sample wasn't entered into a computer or a core anything it filled his doughnut." I'm not sure what you mean with this sentence. Further reading of the story explained this to me, but as written here, it's confusing.

6. Unless I'm mistaken and you race likes cold storage?" You should be your.


         Like I said, I like the story, the plot, but this needs quite a bit of editing to allow it to receive much better ratings.




Sum1

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411
411
Review of 1994  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hey
         I thought I'd drop by to see what you have to read. *Smile*

         This is very good, the rhyme and rhythm flow very nicely. But it could be a bit better. (Isn't that always the case?) Let me explain.

         I found this to be pretty sad, there's no way I will ever consider Death to be a happy occasion, even if it's someone I think very little of. (I dislike using the word 'hate', it's such a powerful, overused word). But tell us more about your friend and what happened to them. Let us know why you loved them so much. What was it about them that made you fall in love with them? Get my idea? In my humble opinion, anyone can write simple poems. As written, this is a bit simple. Yes, it does pull the reader in, I did find it sad and emotional. But if you included a little more about this person, imagine how shattered a reader would feel when they read about their death? You've drawn readers in, no that the hook is in place, SET IT. You do that with details, words that weave around the reader, drawing them in to the story until they are completely immersed. To me, that's a very tough thing to do.

          Again, I really liked this. I just see so much potential in it, potential where it could really shine! Thank you for sharing. *Smile*



Sum1

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412
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hey Ruwth,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         Actually, I knew this month was your Anniversary, and being that you are the featured member in the Anniversary Reviews forum, you should get quite a few reviews this month. So, I had to drop by and read something of yours.

         I chose this one because of the title, it seemed very interesting. It's funny how people find solace in the simplest of things when troubled. I know that in my past I've looked inward and found what I needed there. I'm not near as religious as you, but I would say I found God when I looked inward. I talked about my troubles, he would listen. I'd like to think I heard him in a different way, and improved my life some.

         I really like your idea of Simon, though I have no idea if he's a fictional character, or someone you would love to meet. The flow was very good, keeping me involved in the read throughout. What I really liked, was the dream within the dream. You waking to a knock on the door, only to find Simon there. He reminds you of a few things, and recites a poem to you. You wake to the sound of a knocking on the door, waking for real this time. No one is there, but you remember.... That's what I found excellent about this.

         This is really good, thank you for sharing, and allowing me to read it today. And of course, Happy 8th WDC Anniversary, and Happy New Year!




Sum1

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413
413
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hey Bubblegum,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a very nice poem, but it relates such a sad story. It's a typical poem though, one we've all read many times in the past. While the story in it is pretty sad, the flow is a bit bumpy. What I mean by that, is the rhythm changes quite a bit throughout this poem. I'm not one who pounds the drum about every line needing the same syllable count, or one who thinks you have to have proper punctuation in each line, etc. But for a poem to really work and capture a reader, the rhythm or flow must be good. This one is okay. Let me show you, using a syllable count line by line.

13/13 14/12 15/14 13/14 14/15 14/12 16/14 15/17 15/18 15/16

         In looking at this you might say, "But Jim, the syllable count is pretty close line to line, it's fine." I agree. But it does flow from a low of 12 syllables to a high of 18, which is quite a lot. I think the biggest issue I see in this, is the wording. Many times in poetry, less is more, or better. If I may be so bold as to provide an example.

It's hard to comprehend or even try to understand (14 syllables)
why the Lord would take a life that now just began. (12 syllables)

         A minor edit yields this.

It's hard to comprehend or try to understand (12 Syllables)
how a life can be ended, one that just began. (12 syllables)

         It's not much, it's a rush on my part to provide an example. My suggestion it to just read this aloud. See how it flows, see if you stumble or falter as you read it. Is it smooth? Or do you find yourself pausing in the read to get the flow right.

         All in all, it's a nice poem. Thank you for sharing.





Sum1

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Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hey Harper,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         You know, English was my worst subject in school. I could never wrap my head around all the rules of verbs, adverbs, pronouns, adjectives. The list endless if you ask me. *Headbang* I believe I'm a decent writer, and if you read anything of mine, I'm sure you will find plenty of errors in grammar or punctuation. There just seems to be a mental block when it comes to understanding all the nuances of the language.

         Your examples here are excellent, your point is nicely made. All it does for me is put my head in a spin.... *Smile* However, I do have a comment on this, about your formatting of it. The first two areas, where you provide examples of adjectives and adverbs appear to be indented. The rest of the article that provides examples does not use indentation. Was that on purpose? Just a question is all.

         Thank you for the examples, and helpful article. Most of all, thanks for sharing!



Sum1

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Review of Champ  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hey Pico,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 6th WDC Anniversary!

         This is pretty cute, but are you sure Champ needed a firm hand? Maybe he was a comedian, and wanted to give everyone a laugh. *Smile*

         Seriously though, well written, flowed well. I haven't a clue about horses, so my comment above was meant in fun. If that was me, I'd need to have someone lead the horse by the reins to make sure I didn't fall off....

         I loved your alternate names for Champ, they were cute. I did have a hard time imagining how you took a tree trunk to both knees, and fell forward. Seems to me you'd have fallen backwards. Oh wait, never mind, I see it now. *Smile* I'd have laughed too, if I was still on my horse. But then, there would be that person holding the reins, leading it wherever we went, huh. Well done here, I do think you might want to add comedy to the heading though....




Sum1

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Review of Ode To My Horse  Open in new Window.
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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Hey Milkman,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 16th WDC Anniversary!

         It is so tough to love an animal of any type, and have them pass all too soon. Four month's is not near long enough, but I can see that you loved this horse deeply. Non-ordinary or not, your love shines in this poem. I would prefer a rhyming poem, but I didn't write it, you did. *Smile* Though you didn't describe Midnight Flame for us, a reader's imagination can carry the poem, and help them see the horse you loved. I love this tribute; simple, but moving. Thank you for sharing.



Sum1

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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hey Fireexi,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         Y'know? I was about to tell you that this story was incomplete, I didn't understand where it was going, or what you were trying to say with it. After all, TDB seemed to meet a lot of people over this one day period, and none seemed to be connected. Then I came to the last paragraph, and that magnificent twist. Loved it! There is one minor thing that you might want to consider, should you decide to edit it.

1. At the point where the sheriff takes TDB off the table, you write, When the sheriff came back into the room where I was, I saw him take a lot of the money out of the bag that Jack had with him. Knowing TDB's true identity now, this seems a little off. You make it sound like TDB can walk, yet that's far from the truth. I know you were hiding his true identity, but still. It seems that you could word it in such a way that the Sheriff grabs him and makes him come with him. No need to delete that line, but you might want to re-word things a little. Here's a minor suggestion. The sheriff grabbed me; we left the room together went to the evidence room where one of his deputies was behind the counter. To me, this seems a more 'normal' flow, and still hides his identity.



Sum1

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Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hey J.A.,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, I really like this poem! I read it twice, then a third time out loud. It is even more beautiful when read aloud if you ask me. I can really relate to the scene you paint with your words. It would be nice to know more about the love the two of you shared, but that may be for another poem. I wouldn't touch this one. The format and wording are excellent.



Sum1

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Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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Hey Nicola,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a rather unnerving story of madness and despair. But as you allude to in your description, is it really madness? Her description of what happened sounds like madness, but it could have been real. Things go on in this world that we can't explain, and science often refuses to accept.

         The flow of this is pretty good, but the doctor's reaction to the telling of the story seems almost unbelievable. Then again, you set this in 1942, our beliefs and attitudes were far different. I took issue when the doctor said, While you women are indeed prone to being excessively emotional.... But like I said, you placed this in 1942, things were far different. I did see a couple of very minor things you might want to look at, should you decide to edit this.


1. While a hundred horrified thoughts somersaulted through her mind, Charlotte suddenly heard the jolt of the lock and felt her breaths quicken as the doorknob turned. Breaths should be breath.

2. Her breaths audible, Charlotte rubbed her recently freed wrists and focused her eyes on the third man in the room who seemed to be waiting patiently. Breaths should be breathing here. Her breathing audible....


         A disturbing, but very interesting story. Thank you for sharing!




Sum1

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Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Hey
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 16th WDC Anniversary!

         Well said, though you did tend to repeat yourself a few times. To me, the media today is more interested in 'making news', not reporting it. I've almost given up on them providing us with any real news. To make matters worse, they beat a story into the ground, until no one wants to hear it anymore. Thank you for sharing this.




Sum1

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Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hey Deborah,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         You provide some good information and advice with this article. I love using twisted endings myself. In fact, I have trouble writing something that doesn't have a twisted ending. *Smile*

         You did make one statement in this that I have to disagree with. You wrote There is one thing wrong with this ending however – it breaks a major rule in writing – always leave the reader happy. I disagree with this because one man has shown himself to be the master of twisting things, ending included. Stephen King. When you read one of his book or stories, you never know where it's going to end up. His endings are not always happy ones either. In fact, I think they reflect how things go in real life, instead of a fantasy life.

         Again, nicely done, good information and advice given with this.





Sum1

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Review of Gate 11A  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hey Blake,
         Thank you for requesting a review of this, it's an honor to be asked that favor.

         This is well written, but I'm afraid you lost me somewhere. Don't get me wrong here, I'm grading this on how well it's written, but also on the story itself. The plot, the flow, its ability to keep a reader interested, the dialog. Everything that makes it a story that will stand on its own. And that's a small issue here.

         Every story has a beginning, a middle area where the plot is exposed, and an ending. If I'm correct, Paul is an alcoholic who spends time at the airport watching people. Why? You never let us know, but it's just a past time for him. He seems to smell bad, and must look awful. But the plot is lost on me. Paul seems to crave attention, but we aren't sure why. That may be your plot, but I have to confess, I fail to see how it will keep other readers really interested. Though it has been rated ten times already, so someone's been reading/rating it. Here's a few things I saw that could have made this a little better.

1. Your story does a lot of telling, very little showing. What I mean is, you tell us about his 'bottle', his desire to be noticed. But you don't expound on it, don't show us how he got this way. When you 'show', you pull a reader in emotionally, making them not want to put the story down. So show us by describing things. Paul refers to 'the bottle', blames it for a lot of things, but misses it when its gone. What's in the bottle? It seems it would be alcohol, especially based on the ending of the story. What kind of alcohol? A lot of alcoholics have a drink they prefer, and stick to that. Gin? Vodka? Whiskey? Tequila? You get the idea. So describe what he keeps in there, tell us why he loves that particular one. Maybe something in his past. What drove him to drink in the first place?

2. He also seems to have a bit of a mental issue. What type? Has he ever been diagnosed by a Psychiatrist? Has he been to counseling? How did he get to this point in his life?

3. He bought a bagel at Einstein Brothers Bagels. What kind? He threw it at a boy thinking that would get him attention. It did, but the wrong kind of attention. Why does he desire attention? What in his past caused him to live alone, to become alcoholic, to exist instead of live?

4. One thing that sticks with me about the story, is you have him positioned at Gate 11A. You're from Houston, so you may know that in the United States, you can't get past security without a boarding pass. So how is it that Paul was able to get to Gate 11A? He would never have gotten there without that little piece of paper.


         Again, decent story, well written, but lacking in depth. I think that's my major issue with this. I read it, and don't think I know Paul at all, and never felt a connection to him.





Sum1

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Review of love rips  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey King Arpod,
         You asked me to take a look at this, and I'm only too happy to oblige. Thank you for asking, it's always an honor to be asked to review something.

         I'm sorry sir, but I can't rate this as high as I'm sure you would like me to. I will start by saying that while I really like the premise behind this story, it needs a lot of work. There are several basic things in this that need attention, each would allow this excellent grades from future reviewers. I see it has a 4.5 star average rating; I always try to be honest in my reviews, ratings, and comments, and there's no way I could rate it that high.


Title:  I'm not sure how this ties in with the overall story.



Description:  A description is meant to entice readers in to read this. Tell them a little bit about this to do so! It may have been written just for fun, but will that really attract readers?



Grammar:  Your grammar usage needs some work. If I may, here's a couple of examples to show you what I mean.

1. A panache plop, echoes from his toe tapping foot. First, you don't need a comma after plop. Secondly, I'm not sure you know the meaning of the word Panache. I had a good idea of it, but looked it up to be sure.

         a grand or flamboyant manner; verve; style; flair:

         an ornamental plume of feathers, tassels, or the like, especially one worn on a helmet or cap.

          Architecture. the surface of a pendentive.

         You can see my dilemma here. A Panache plop? Maybe I'm being old here, but I don't see how a tapping foot can be flamboyant....

2. "Please cease, do you wish to kill the old fool" Cease? A word most people would use, is stop. Punctuation wise, you are missing a period at the end of this sentence.

3. With a manically laugh all will know you were but playing the fool and the house will feed on all those who will surely follow. Not manically, the correct word would be maniacal.

4. There are numerous places where a comma is needed but missing. Other places a comma is not needed, but it's there. I will not point them all out, I don't want to seemingly tear this apart. However, I need to point this one out. Your sinister laugh you used me, I could never love you never!" First, you are missing opening quotation marks. But the whole sentence is worded very awkwardly, and made me ask myself what were you really trying to say? I have no idea from just reading it. I could guess, but a reader shouldn't have to guess at what a character is meaning to say.



General Comments:  

1. Every story has a beginning, a middle (where the plot develops), and an end. This one seemed to start somewhere near the beginning, has a decent plot, and an ending that left me pondering things.

2. It wasn't until I was over halfway through the story that I had a small idea of what this was about. I knew ghosts immediately. But no inkling it was about an older man spending the night in a haunted house. A man that the young ghost meant to kill by ripping his heart out as he left the property. This was no done because Timothy (young ghost)failed, yet the reason he failed was not clear. "Without the power to scare what could you do? You couldn't rip out his heart that would be far to scary wouldn't it?" She laughed This whole section didn't make sense to me at all.

3. She nicely declined, "no the leprechaun's head is enough for now." She looked out the wind and the old man was 29 again. He want to boast . Not seeing the truck he met them sooner than anticipated, becoming a speed bump for one of their trucks. "Worked out better than I planned. May I have him?" I had to read this 2-3 times before I figured out that the old man was run over by a truck, and became her new apprentice.


Overall impressions:  I have to say that I was confused as I read this. The flow is jumbled, almost incoherent, meaning it's not easy to follow. I'm a little bit of a stickler for English usage & punctuation. Maybe that's one reason I couldn't follow it very well. I would like to rate it higher, we all appreciate good ratings. But I can't do that, and be honest with you, and myself. I will gladly return and re-rate this should you choose to edit this.


Sum1

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Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hey Thea Marie
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 13th WDC Anniversary!

         I think this says what everyone feels frequently in life. We all want to be remembered, appreciated, or missed once we're gone. Everyone, at one time or another, feels they are insignificant, and won't be missed if they were to disappear. But it's not true. Someone, somewhere, will think of you, want to see you. You won't be there, and they'll be crushed. You are so right in what you say here. Best of all, you say it very well.... *Smile*





Sum1

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Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Hey RJ,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         It's difficult to review a poem this short, difficult to say enough about it when it's well written. I love this, love the form. Not quite a heart, but very close. Everything word is about love, about being the best you can be. At the end, it stresses the one thing the world needs more of, beside love. Peace! Well done! Keep on keepin' on...



Sum1

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