Hey King Arpod,
You asked me to take a look at this, and I'm only too happy to oblige. Thank you for asking, it's always an honor to be asked to review something.
I'm sorry sir, but I can't rate this as high as I'm sure you would like me to. I will start by saying that while I really like the premise behind this story, it needs a lot of work. There are several basic things in this that need attention, each would allow this excellent grades from future reviewers. I see it has a 4.5 star average rating; I always try to be honest in my reviews, ratings, and comments, and there's no way I could rate it that high.
Title: I'm not sure how this ties in with the overall story.
Description: A description is meant to entice readers in to read this. Tell them a little bit about this to do so! It may have been written just for fun, but will that really attract readers?
Grammar: Your grammar usage needs some work. If I may, here's a couple of examples to show you what I mean.
1. A panache plop, echoes from his toe tapping foot. First, you don't need a comma after plop. Secondly, I'm not sure you know the meaning of the word Panache. I had a good idea of it, but looked it up to be sure.
a grand or flamboyant manner; verve; style; flair:
an ornamental plume of feathers, tassels, or the like, especially one worn on a helmet or cap.
Architecture. the surface of a pendentive.
You can see my dilemma here. A Panache plop? Maybe I'm being old here, but I don't see how a tapping foot can be flamboyant....
2. "Please cease, do you wish to kill the old fool" Cease? A word most people would use, is stop. Punctuation wise, you are missing a period at the end of this sentence.
3. With a manically laugh all will know you were but playing the fool and the house will feed on all those who will surely follow. Not manically, the correct word would be maniacal.
4. There are numerous places where a comma is needed but missing. Other places a comma is not needed, but it's there. I will not point them all out, I don't want to seemingly tear this apart. However, I need to point this one out. Your sinister laugh you used me, I could never love you never!" First, you are missing opening quotation marks. But the whole sentence is worded very awkwardly, and made me ask myself what were you really trying to say? I have no idea from just reading it. I could guess, but a reader shouldn't have to guess at what a character is meaning to say.
General Comments:
1. Every story has a beginning, a middle (where the plot develops), and an end. This one seemed to start somewhere near the beginning, has a decent plot, and an ending that left me pondering things.
2. It wasn't until I was over halfway through the story that I had a small idea of what this was about. I knew ghosts immediately. But no inkling it was about an older man spending the night in a haunted house. A man that the young ghost meant to kill by ripping his heart out as he left the property. This was no done because Timothy (young ghost)failed, yet the reason he failed was not clear. "Without the power to scare what could you do? You couldn't rip out his heart that would be far to scary wouldn't it?" She laughed This whole section didn't make sense to me at all.
3. She nicely declined, "no the leprechaun's head is enough for now." She looked out the wind and the old man was 29 again. He want to boast . Not seeing the truck he met them sooner than anticipated, becoming a speed bump for one of their trucks. "Worked out better than I planned. May I have him?" I had to read this 2-3 times before I figured out that the old man was run over by a truck, and became her new apprentice.
Overall impressions: I have to say that I was confused as I read this. The flow is jumbled, almost incoherent, meaning it's not easy to follow. I'm a little bit of a stickler for English usage & punctuation. Maybe that's one reason I couldn't follow it very well. I would like to rate it higher, we all appreciate good ratings. But I can't do that, and be honest with you, and myself. I will gladly return and re-rate this should you choose to edit this.
Sum1
WDC POWER RAIDER 
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