🌖 HuntersMoon's (huntersmoon) Reviews

🌖 HuntersMoon

Review Requests: OFF

3,125 Public Reviews Given

3,266 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

Honest but encouraging

I use an outline (form)to make sure I've covered all the bases but within that, it's pure dialogue. Let's talk about your write.

I'm good at...

Short Stories and better at Poetry

Favorite Genres

All

351

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4005649

Review of Construct Cup V 2.0

for entry "Still..."

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hiya Fyn

Awww. How sweet (seriously, I'm not teasing you). I thought this was a perfect write for the day. I've had thoughts like these myself; I miss my Dad. Now, he wasn't a great Dad but I loved him in spite (or perhaps in a perverse way, because) of his failings. He could always make me smile and I never doubted that he loved me. I guess, in the end, you can't ask for more.

Great write from my point of view.

Ken

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

352

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4004612

Review of of frogs and kissing

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Rhyssa

What an enchanting fairy tale. Seriously, who knew that royal frogs had the same problems with their princesses that we humans do?

I like the structure (not free verse - the flow) of this. From early years to the wedding, you've woven a light-hearted but image filled story that's sure to capture the imagination of many readers. The required words are placed naturally without a hint of having to be forced. This was a very creative response to the theme and shows what imagination and creativity you have.

Excellent write. Now, let's talk about trying capitalization ...

Yes, I'm kidding you

Ken

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353

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14 days may be credited.

#4004134

Review of Construct Cup V 2.0

for entry "Rhumba Way"

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hiya Fyn

No need to look at the clips - I read your lines and music and scenes just came into my mind like watching the movie again

Dirty Dancing may not have been "haute cinema" but it is a classic and one I still watch now and then just for pure fun of it ... and, of course, it is the music I grew up with. LOL Patrick Swayze was always seen as a "B" actor but not in my house! From Roadhouse to Ghost, he always entertained. And Jennifer Grey was the perfect foil for him in this show. Ahh I do ramble on!

This was a great synthesis of the best of Dirty Dancing, the movie ... and, bless your little soul, you even rhymed

My night is complete

Thank you for the memories ...

Ken

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354

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14 days may be credited.

#4004009

Review of it's in your eyes

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi Rhyssa ...

Oh, you naughty girl

Well, they do say the tango is the dance of love. Actually, I've spent a lot of time in Argentina (who claim ownership LOL) and when you see it performed you understand how it got its name: "touch" (that's the translation of Tango). It is a very sensual dance but not "sexy" It's really amazing to see someone who really understands its roots and the nuances it commands perform it. It's more than just steps - it's all about attitude

I thought you did a terrific job of capturing those elements in this free verse. You brought in the emotional side and translated it into words.

Since I can't see any room for improvement, I guess this is perfect. Well done.

Ken

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355

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14 days may be credited.

#4003914

Review of The Window

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi Alison

My name is Ken. You were kind enough to review my work earlier and I thought I'd return the favor

. I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item"

. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "The Window"

.

Again, welcome to WDC.

First Impression/Thoughts:
A nicely done mystery with touches of supernatural. Isn't it funny how we can creep ourselves out sometimes?

Since you're new here, might I recommend "Daily Flash Fiction Challenge"

as a place where you can find inspiration and continue your writing of these "flash" works. If you're more interested in longer writes, check out "Twisted Tales Contest"

.

Creativity/Impact:
I'm not sure what prompted this (no pun intended LOL) but I'm a big fan of vignettes - those little slices of life that see every day but ignore. When you stop and capture one, all the possibilities of imagination begin. That's creativity.

Message/Theme:
This has a darkish theme wrapped in a mystery. If there's a message, perhaps it's "you never know ..."

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your dark words

.

Title - "The Window" - The title is the first thing that prospective readers will see. I thought your title was mysterious and invited the reader in to explore what you'd found. I'm sure some will look just to see what you're talking about. Since it is the only thing a prospective reader will see while scanning the list of items in a writers port, it serves as the advertisement of the poets imagination. You did incorporate the title into the poetic content as well which I thought was an excellent use.

Grammar/Wording - Your prose was well thought out, supporting the theme of mystery. You kept interest with good descriptions that drew the dark images you were creating in the readers mind. Some of the wording felt imprecise. For example, you speak of "old spiderwebs slathered to the surface. While it does mean "spread thickly" I think most will associate it with butter on toast (or something like that LOL) and not really see it as cobweb on cobweb on cobweb.

Form/Flow - You developed this logically and the overall read was good. You built up the mystery around this seemingly out of place window and then left us hanging with an unsolved mystery. Nicely done - push the reader over the edge and then let their own imagination take them on a ride

.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

I really enjoyed reading this although, I do wish you'd take this and expand it. There are so many possibilities LOL. Your talent for story telling is clear and I enjoyed accompanying you on this journey of imagination. I think for a "newbie" effort, you did really well. Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

** Image ID #1991968 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

356

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14 days may be credited.

#4003797

Review of tidal pool

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Rhyssa

Just dropping by to see how you're fairing

and, as I can see, you're doing just fine.

I really am a fan of these Asian forms and the Tanka is one of my favorites. Less restrictive than a haiku, it's actually a relatively new form in English. I really enjoyed the "connection" aspects of this; the sea has always been a link between people perhaps because, in some deep place in us, we recognize that it is our mother and gave birth to all.

I love the words you chose - my only hesitation came in trying to connect the title with the poem. I didn't get any "tidal pool" feeling from this but rather the open ocean with it's waves and turbulence from the rising storm. Just my feelings - not sure what was going through you as you wrote this.

Very nicely done ...

Ken

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

357

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14 days may be credited.

#4003253

Review of a piano

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Rhyssa

I saw you just posted this and wanted to see what "object" spoke to you today. The piano. Now there's something that really does speak

.

I thought this had a really nice flow to it and you took us through the instrument and helped us understand that it's many parts speaking in one voice. Then, you add the artist who must coax each note into a cohesive whole and you have to marvel at the end result ... of course, not when I play LOL Covering your ears is much easier

.

I really liked the image of "shaping sound" and the alliteration of the words starts this off on a melodic course. I was hoping that you'd go more into the emotions of the piano but, hey, that's me. I'm like that Gary Busey commercial - yeah, I talk to things

Thank you for sharing your talent and your imagination with me today!

Ken

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

358

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14 days may be credited.

#4002991

Review of Construct Cup Creations

for entry "Specters in the Mist"

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Angels in my Ear

It's just me, Ken (which I'm sure you know

) and I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item"

. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Specters in the Mist"

, part of your book "Construct Cup Creations"

.

First Impression/Thoughts:
Yayyy! It's so nice to read rhyme

Creativity/Impact:
There are hidden secrets in the mist and you've explored them nicely with this ghostly poem.

Message/Theme:
This was an expressive response to the "secrets" prompt. Your descriptions of the "lost souls" were full of imagination. Each verse was well thought out and supported the theme of your poem. A cohesive and clear write.

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your dark words

.

Title - "{u"Specters in the Mist"is the first thing that prospective readers will see. I thought your title was mysterious and invited the reader in to explore this world you created.

Grammar/Wording - "Mystic depths," "watery graves," very descriptive words that set the tone for this. These are secrets held in the blackness of the sea and you took us on a journey of imagination to visit them. My one hesitation came when you wrote "They appear, but cannot be seen which I thought sounded like an oxymoron. How does one appear if not in sight?

Form/Flow - Written in quatrains with an ABCB rhyme, this flowed very nicely as I read it. You stuck to perfect rhymes which - I think - is critical in keeping the flow going especially when only rhyming every other line.

Poetic devices - I enjoyed your use of enjambment which was very effective in pulling the reader from line to line. I thought your use of assonance (callous moon) also made for a pleasing and flowing read.

Emotion/Imagery -Your dark images kept the ghostly quality of this front and center.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

I really enjoyed reading this. It recalled sitting around a campfire and listening to ghost stories - fond memories of a time that has past.

Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

359

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14 days may be credited.

#4002813

Review of Inevitable

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi April Desiree-I'm back!

So, you just can't get enough of my abuse, huh?

I am happy to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item"

. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Inevitable"

.

First Impression/Thoughts:
Very nicely done

Creativity/Impact:
The personification of Death has long been seen walking in our world, whether named or not, and your using him as incarnations of weather is creative and well thought out.

Message/Theme:
The theme is death and destruction primarily and you've gone to great lengths to ensure that the theme is carried out through each line.

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your dark words

.

Title - I think "Inevitable" was a great title; it surely is for most (beyond taxes, of course LOL). It carries with it a foreboding sense which really plays well the poetic contents of your write.

Grammar/Wording - Excellent images that bring to mind the darkness of death and the inevitability of "a black rose upon your lips." The only part which struck me as slightly odd was verse 5. All the others were weather but this one. It just seemed out of place unless you were to add other non-weather verses so it didn't seem so isolated.

Form/Flow - I promise - no harangues on free verse.

I've been doing a lot more research on what it is. From my perspective, I look for a poetic flow and some elements of traditional poetry, primarily metaphor, simile, and imagery that support the theme of write. I try and understand the "why" of the write - why did you break the line here? what images are you trying to create and do they support the overall story/theme of the poem? It's subjective; does it "feel" like poetry. To me, I could feel the poetry in this. I notice, unlike many free verse writers, you used punctuation. Thank you

It really helps to guide the reader.

Now, lets talk presentation

Shaped poems are nearly as ancient as recorded poetry itself. The earliest true figure poems date to the Hellenistic era, in the second and third centuries B.C. and have been used by such modern writers of note as Lewis Carroll (The Mouse's Tale) and Dylan Thomas (Vision and Prayer). Still, I must ask - how can free verse be "unstructured" when you obviously have structured it? What does it add to the poem by placing the words so precisely across the page? I can, in a sense, see a vague tornado shape but the addition of a spider verse runs contrary to that idea so what are you trying to say? You need to answer that, not me?

Poetic devices - great metaphor and similes run through this. Well done.

Emotion/Imagery - The menacing approach of death in his all his guises dredge up feelings of suspense, of fear, of helplessness.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

I really enjoyed reading this. I think you've done well. The two areas you need to consider are Verse 5 and the optical layout. If you know why, then I have under rated your work; if you don't, then I have over rated it

Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

** Image ID #1987307 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

360

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14 days may be credited.

#4002694

Review of Journey to Winter's End

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi April Desiree-I'm back!

Well, I'm sure you had about given up on me ever getting to this story

. Fooled you! I am happy to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item"

. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Journey to Winter's End"

.

First Impression/Thoughts:
First and foremost - Congratulations on your selection as Rising Star author of the month (and thank you for the nod - but, no, that's not why I'm doing this

) An excellent fantasy tale but, first impression, a bit on the light side.

Creativity/Impact:
I truly enjoyed the characters and plot line which I thought were original. For me, though, what I missed was darkness. More on that later

Message/Theme:
The theme was fantasy with good witches, good fairies, good dragons, and happiness scattered throughout leading to a happy ending.

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your happy words

.

Title - "Journey to Winter's End" is a great title, speaking of adventure and challenges. I really liked it. It was also very descriptive so it set the expectation of the reader as they began their odyssey with you.

Grammar/Wording - Good job. I didn't see anything in the way of technical issues with this. You, April, did an amazing job of making this a clean, cohesive, and easy to read story.

Form/Flow - Now, let's talk plot line

I'm not sure who the audience is that you had in mind for this but even older kids want to see conflict and challenge. In the entire story, the only place I saw that was when Sybil fell onto the rock. And wasn't it lucky that Eve had a rope handy and the handicapped dragon had enough strength to save her?

You begin this with our heroines having to climb mountains - but all you gave them were hills. I think the story is excellent for young children - but you're going to have to do some work if you want to engage an older group. Eve has new magic - make her use it to do more than grow some pretty flowers. Sybil has powers - show them! Yes, the townsfolk ran into their homes but I'll bet they came back out and pursued those they felt were responsible.

Emotion/Imagery - Happy, happy, happy. This needs a villain.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

I enjoyed reading this. Your love and talent for fantasy comes through clearly as I accompanied you on this journey of imagination. For what it is, I thought your story was excellent - for what it could be, I felt there needed to be a genuine conflict that get's resolved. Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

** Image ID #1987307 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

361

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4001759

Review of singing him home

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi Rhyssa

It's just me,Ken

and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "singing him home"

on behalf of the "Gang's Monthly Review Board"

.

First Impression/Thoughts:
Tearjerker alert! The death of a child is sad and to lose one before he's known this place he's come upon is tragic.

Creativity/Impact:
What's more creative than life? This is a remembrance of a time and place that is unique to you. Thought painful, thank you for sharing this - perhaps it will bring comfort to someone else.

Message/Theme:
The required theme was "death" and this speaks eloquently to it. You've met all the requirements in a sad but gentle way.

Technique/Technical Notes:
I promise - no more harangues on free verse. Well, maybe a small one

From my perspective, I look for a poetic flow and some elements of traditional poetry, primarily metaphor, simile, and imagery that support the theme of write. I try and understand the "why" of the write - why did you break the line here? what images are you trying to create and do they support the overall story/theme of the poem? It's subjective; does it "feel" like poetry. To all that, I say yes. The final thing I look for is "does it make sense?" Often many will have an image and their writes are really about describing what they see and feel. (

Yeah, I'm one of those LOL). At times, it appears that some writers haven't gone through a complete translation - some is still in their head which is really tough on a reader

Again, I didn't see any of that.

What I did see was your final line: the only smells he knows / are antiseptic and tears I can't tell you why but this struck me as odd and kind of left me going "Huh?"

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

The death of any child is not something you "enjoy." but I did enjoy your talent and courage in penning this. Your emotions and compassion comes through clearly. Thank you for sharing your imagination and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

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362

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14 days may be credited.

#4000813

Review of Queen of the Shades

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hi April Desiree-I'm back!

It's just me, Ken

, and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Queen of the Shades"

on behalf of the "Gang's Monthly Review Board"

.

First Impression/Thoughts:
A nice retelling of the mythology behind the seduction of Persephone and how she became the Queen of Hades - but you're not done yet

Creativity/Impact:
Not being that familiar with the myths, I read this with interest. The tale, as it unfolded, was creative and the how and why became clear. Nicely done.

Message/Theme:
This is the story of how Persephone, the goddess of fruitfulness, became the paramour of Hades. You take us from her early infatuation with Apollo through her abduction and eventual seduction by the Lord of Darkness.

Technique/Technical Notes:
Overall, I found this to be well structured and saw only a few minor "ankle-biters"

I'll email you a copy with a few items highlighted that you may want to look at. A couple of things came to mind as I read this:

Characters: I think you need to flesh out the characters a bit. I never had the feeling I could envision who these people were. What does Persephone look like? Is she flighty or serious? I think if you spend a few words on the major players (and yes, you did a much better job with Hades although how he became aware of Persephone and why he chose her was never clear) to flesh them out, they will become more relateable. Part of this is to create a bond between the reader and the characters. That's when the emotional connection will kick in and make the reader care about what's happening.

For me, the ending ... didn't. You bring in Eurydice, who had been saved earlier but was now dead again. Why? How? It appeared that when Persephone had "pardoned" Orpheus and gave him back his wife earlier, you were showing that, unlike the cold-hearted Hades, she was bringing a small amount of compassion to hell. Was this to imply that she had finally accepted her role?

So, what's with the pomegranate seeds? They evidently have some meaning and power but they came out of nowhere and there's no explanation as to why they're significant. You need to set this up a bit better.

Okay - this is really minor but it stuck out in my mind. You have Persephone abducted and placed in a chariot. You then go on to describe that it had no windows. To most, a chariot will bring an image of Ben Hur - an open, two-wheel vehicle driven from a standing position. In later times, it could also mean a stately carriage but not at the time you're writing about. Perhaps, "carriage" or some other name?

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

You've put a lot of time and effort in this and I think you have a really good story - but it felt a bit unfinished to me. Now that you've been away from it for a while, go back and view it from a reader's perspective. I think some areas need expanding to clarify the context of what's happening. You did the research and all that information is in your head - now, we just need to pull a bit more out and put it on the page

Thank you for sharing your imagination and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable ** ** Image ID #1947700 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

363

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14 days may be credited.

#4000526

Review of bath time

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Rhyssa

My name is Ken (as if you didn't know

) and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "bath time"

on behalf of the "Gang's Monthly Review Board"

.

First Impression/Thoughts:
A nicely done Senryu chain. I really like "vignettes" - those little slices of life that we so often overlook - and this was a complete story of bath time. One thing you may want to do before ... nope, too late

. When you copy and paste from another program such as MS Word, the characters don't always translate here. For example, your apostrophe's came over as something like "?1/2" which really makes it hard to read. I recommend, after posting, always go and look to see what really shows up.

Creativity/Impact:
What's more creative than a child at bath time? Perhaps, capturing it in a poem

Message/Theme:
I think you did well with the prompt "cleaning something." Now, though it's been years since I had that much fun with my own, the memories still glisten in my mind like the water left on the floor LOL.

Technique/Technical Notes:
Senryu is a Japanese form of short poetry similar to haiku in construction: three lines with 17 or fewer total syllables. Senryu tend to be about human foibles while haiku tend to be about nature, and senryu are often cynical or darkly humorous while haiku are more serious. Unlike haiku, senryu do not include a kireji (cutting word), and do not generally include a kigo, or season word. You used the form perfectly. One of the things I look for, however, is that the senryu should not read like a sentence and verse iii was just that. Verse ii was perfect; you give us the image and then show us another aspect. Well done.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

An very enjoyable read that brought back a lot of memories. You've captured a moment in time with the warmth and feeling that it deserves. Thank you for sharing your imagination and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable ** ** Image ID #1947700 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

364

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14 days may be credited.

#4000490

Review of Construct Cup V 2.0

for entry "Ablution"

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hi Fyn

My name is Ken (but you knew that LOL) and it is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Ablution"

, part of your collection "Construct Cup V 2.0"

on behalf of the "Gang's Monthly Review Board"

.

First Impression/Thoughts:
I love the clever word play hidden in this little jewel. Although the subject is not particularly happy (or, maybe it is on second thought), it is a wonderful capture of a cleansing ritual that frees the soul.

Creativity/Impact:
I thought this was very creative; the tone, the flow, the imagery all speak to the theme of cleansing.

Message/Theme:
From my perspective, I saw this a having two meanings. The first was releasing worries which I surmised from your opening lines. The second was releasing the dregs of lost relationships. I really loved the hidden pun - digitalis and foxglove

- but knowing my sense of humor, I'm sure that doesn't come as a surprise. This second meaning is clear, from the "heart" reference and the ending words. Together, they flow into a whole picture but I suspect many won't take the time to really try and understand - more's the pity.

Technique/Technical Notes:
Written as free verse, any "rules" per se are null and void

other than it should feel like poetry. I certainly had no trouble seeing the poetry in this challenging write. I think your use of words to pull images into the reader's mind is excellent and your ability to capture the reader's imagination is superb. I'm not a big fan of free verse - probably because I don't do it well

- but this spoke to me and that, Robin, is the sign of a successful poem.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

An thought provoking read. Thank you for allowing me to accompany you on this journey and for sharing your imagination and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable ** ** Image ID #1947700 Unavailable **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

365

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14 days may be credited.

#3999427

Review of Jabrina and Millicent: Act One

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi DyrHearte writes

Okay, I know I said no more "long form" reviews but this deserves one. I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item"

. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Jabrina and Millicent: Act One"

.

First Impression/Thoughts:
Wow

What a unique idea for a story. Totally engrossing and such a great ending. It's funny but I know from experience that my "adult" writes get the most views and least reviews. This one completely deserves great reviews.

Creativity/Impact:
Sexual vampires

Need I say more?

Message/Theme:
This is a supernatural themed write that includes a bit more of salacious detail than many might expect. You handled it with great aplomb and delicacy and I found it very tasteful (no pun intended

- well, maybe a small one LOL)

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your dark words

.

Title - "Jabrina and Millicent" is an odd title and brought to mind alien beings when I first saw it

. I guess, to some extent, they are to men LOL. Thankfully, you used the description line as well to prepare the reader and set the tone of the write. Too many overlook this and yet it is an integral part of the write as well.

Grammar/Wording - I think what impressed me most was the delicacy of language that you used. It would have been easy to step across the "GC" line but you kept it full of detail without making it too graphic. You relied on the reader's nature to fill in the blanks LOL. A few suggestions: watch repetitiveness. Thumbnail light of the moon was used in almost every description of the light. Expand your imagery! I thought of "Cheshire Cat-like" (everyone remembers that smile appearing out of nowhere LOL) or even crescent. I almost hate to mention it - Millicent?

A bit Disney-ish, perhaps?

Form/Flow - Absolutely perfect. I dropped in at the start and suddenly found myself at the ending, wondering how I'd gotten there. Great story flow.

Writing devices - Well organized, full of delicate detail, and action oriented. A great story.

Emotion/Imagery - While in the end this was a dark-ish write, you'd never know it. Certainly you portray the uncertainty felt by Jabrina well, her confusion over love and lust, and, at the climax

the true dark nature of Millicent. The portrayals felt natural and real. Well done.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

I really enjoyed reading this. Your enthusiasm for fantasy and skillful portrayal of intimacy comes through clearly as I accompanied you on this journey of imagination. Well done! Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

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#3999365

Review of Failed Magic

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Deb

Ahhh. How nice not to have use the form anymore LOL. I'll go back to it - but for now, ahhhhhh.

OK - I really enjoyed this but have absolutely no idea what the magic was supposed to do. You did say, "I'm not getting any younger" but that's a common expression that means "I'm wasting my time" so I'm confused - either meaning fits so what meaning did you have in mind?

Technically, good write. You're just a wonderful writer and I love the creativity of this. Just needs a bit of clarification (at least for us simple minded LOL)

Well done,

Ken

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#3998752

Review of ME ON THE MENU

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hi SandraLynn

My name is Ken (which I'm sure you know

) and I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "King's Landing updating "

on behalf of the House of Baratheon. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "ME ON THE MENU"

.

First Impression/Thoughts:
It's that season in Virginia too

Wonderful sense of humor shown here.

Creativity/Impact:
I found this very creative. This was almost loop poetry and the subtlety wasn't wasted on me. LOL Very cleverly written.

Message/Theme:
The theme was nature - and it's voracious appetite, especially when it comes to us. As you so cleverly put it Thighs, shins, arms, shaking head, a torso; Mosquitoes warm smorgasbord

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your humorous words

.

Title - The title, "ME ON THE MENU" is the first thing that prospective readers will see. I thought it advertised the humor that was woven into the contents. It certainly was a draw to me as I scanned the title and decided to see where you were taking me today. I'm glad to see you used the description line as well to prepare the reader and set the tone of the write. Too many overlook this and yet it is an integral part of the essay as well.

Grammar/Wording - A good solid technical write - no errors noted. Your words bring out both the pain and futility of dealing with nature. Sometimes all you can do is laugh.

Form/Flow - You wrote this in quatrains with an ABAB rhyme. Okay - it's not perfect. There are a few meter issues which trip the tongue when reading and a few of the rhymes were "near fhymes" but it would be nit-picking to mention them. Like you, I occasionally am much more intent on meaning than "purity of form." I'll always err on the side of communication.

Poetic devices - Humor is a device not used often enough! You've captured the absurdity that we put ourselves through to enjoy the great outdoors. Beyond that, your use of enjambment was very effective in pulling the reader from line to line. I thought your use of assonance also made for a pleasing and flowing read.

Emotion/Imagery - The imagery here is strong, adding to the humor and making this so that anyone who's walked out a door on a warm day will identify with this.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

I really enjoyed reading this. Your sense of humor comes through clearly and I found myself grinning as I accompanied you on this journey of imagination. I think for a "newbie" effort, you did really well. Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

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#3997806

Review of Can you Believe in Science and God?

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

Hi Dr Matticakes Myra

My name is Ken (glad to meet you

) and I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "King's Landing updating "

on behalf of the House of Baratheon. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Can you Believe in Science and God?"

.

First Impression/Thoughts:
I ran across this on Random Reviews and - having asked the question myself over the years - wanted a different perspective. Not so different, as it turns out

.

Creativity/Impact:
I thought you made your argument very well. I agree - a belief in science and religion aren't mutually exclusive, except to the zealots on either end of the spectrum, and therein lies the issue. Unfortunately, when you get to the "hardcore" believers, logic doesn't play - only dogma prevails.

Message/Theme:
I think you said it best: "Until such time that science can prove the existence or non-existence of God, it is perfectly possible to believe in both science and God."

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your logical words

.

Title - "Can you Believe in Science and God?" The title is the first thing that prospective readers will see. I thought your title was challenging and prepared the reader for what followed. I'm glad to see you used the description line as well to prepare the reader and set the tone of the write. Too many overlook this and yet it is an integral part of the essay as well.

Grammar/Wording - For the most part, you words were chosen to convey a balanced logical discussion to reader in a matter-of-fact tone and seemed well thought out. You used a few technical terms that many won't have a clue about

but their general meaning can be inferred from the context.

Form/Flow - Written as a essay, you used the general form of the classic format for compositions. It is not the only format for writing an essay, of course, but it is a useful model to keep in mind, especially to show others how to develop composition skills. I did find some of the paragraphs ran a bit long (and for old geezers like me, you could have enlarged the font to "3.5"

) but overall, it was easy to follow.

Emotion/Imagery - I think you managed to keep emotion out of this and present your argument in a neutral tone. Your use of outside references were kept to a minimum yet used when appropriate.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

I really enjoyed reading this. Your knowledge and thinking come through clearly and I found myself agreeing with you as I accompanied you on this journey. Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

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#3997695

Review of The Depths of Our Time

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi Byrd

My name is Ken (glad to make your acquaintance

) and I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "King's Landing updating "

on behalf of the House of Baratheon. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "The Depths of Our Time"

.

I see you're new here

Let me be among the first to say

"Welcome to WDC."

I hope you find whatever drew you to the site. I think you'll find we're a supportive and encouraging group all here for the same reason - to write, to learn, to be inspired.

First Impression/Thoughts:
I have to ask - what's "pretty awesome?" Your poem, the message, or that you figured out how to post?

I know it took me a day or two when I first got here.

Creativity/Impact:
I found this very creative primarily because it's your vision. Without context, I'm assuming this is your version of "the Rapture." Since you used "god" - little "g" - I can't be sure and your description does run contrary to mainstream Christian philosophy.

Message/Theme:
This was a joyful and emotional write about the end of time. Again, without context, I'm not sure what you're describing. Most people are "visual" and I get the impression you had a "mini-movie" going on that you described here. I know, when I first started, I'd "see" my work before the first word ever hit the page. What I've learned is that the reader's don't have access to my images so they have to rely on what I actually write. Food for thought.

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your words

.

Title - The title, "The Depths of Our Time" is the first thing that prospective readers will see. I thought your title was mysterious and invited the reader in to explore. I'm sure some will look just to see what you're talking about. Since it is the only thing a prospective reader will see while scanning the list of items in a writers port, it serves as the advertisement of the poets imagination. You did incorporate the title into the poetic content as well which I thought was an excellent use.

Grammar/Wording - You words were chosen to convey your theme to reader, setting up the occurrences you foresee "in the depths of our time," and seemed well thought out. You chose to use punctuation which I personally like since it directs the viewers actions to stop or pause. However, if you're going to use it - be consistent. A few of the lines were missed. I'm assuming that you capitalized certain words for emphasis but again, you need to pay attention to consistency. For example, you capitalized "Pain" but not "chill" - yet both were effects of the "Empty Explosion."

Form/Flow - I'm not a big fan of free verse because it's really a lot more difficult than most appreciate. Free verse is, despite its freedom, not entirely free. It still needs to feel like poetry, whether it's in the use of verses, poetic norms, or simply the use of poetic lines. I think you did well with this although I found this borderline prose. Prose tends to be more "matter-of-fact" and is closest to spoken language. As I read this, I saw several complete sentences. That's natural language. I don't want you to take this as a criticism, just as food for thought.

Emotion/Imagery - Both emotion and imagery were present. There was a silent "Hallelujah" present as I read this

in the joyful exuberance of your poem.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

I enjoyed reading this in spite of having doubts about your true meaning. Your enthusiasm comes through clearly and I found myself smiling as I accompanied you on this journey. I think for a "newbie" effort, you did well. That said, I recommend that, after a space of time, go back and read what you've put on the page from a reader's perspective. Poetry is about communicating and clarity is key. Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

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#3997274

Review of Devoted To You

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hi Sum1

My name is Ken (which I'm sure you know

) and I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "King's Landing updating "

on behalf of the House of Baratheon. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Devoted To You"

.

First Impression/Thoughts:
First and foremost - Congratulations on writing a winning poem. It is a beautiful loop poem full of warm images befitting a love poem

Creativity/Impact:
I found this very creative especially the "Jim Dorrell variation" of the Loop poem that you created here.

Message/Theme:
The theme of devoted love runs through each line. I found it a cohesive and clear write.

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your loving words

.

Title - The title, "Devoted To You," is the first thing that prospective readers will see. I thought your title was open and direct and prepared the reader's for what was to follow. I'm sure some will explore just to see what you're talking about. I'm glad to see you used the description line as well to prepare the reader and set the tone of the write. Too many overlook this and yet it is an integral part of the write as well

Grammar/Wording - This was a good technical write. Words were chosen to convey your theme to the reader in a gentle, devotional tone and seemed well thought out.

Form/Flow - Written as a Loop poem, you followed the form perfectly - even remembering to close the poem with the final loop

. In each stanza, the last word of the first line becomes the first word of line two, and so on. You chose to write this as a single stanza. The rhyme scheme is supposed to be alternating but you chose to make this a mono-rhyme. That's not an easy task but you did it masterfully.

Poetic devices - I enjoyed the moments of alliteration and even touches of internal rhyme. There was no need for enjambment due to the form of the poem. I thought your use of assonance also made for a pleasing and flowing read.

Emotion/Imagery - This was a love poem so it was intentionally emotional and that came through clearly. The imagery was excellent and supported the theme throughout.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

While a bit smaltzy for me

, I really enjoyed reading this. Your skills as a poet come through clearly and I found myself smiling as I accompanied you on this journey of imagination. Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

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#3997272

Review of I Could Be

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Simplify

My name is Ken (glad to meet you

) and I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "King's Landing updating "

on behalf of the House of Baratheon. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "I Could Be"

.

I see you're new here

Let me be among the first to say

"Welcome to WDC."

I hope you find whatever drew you to the site. I think you'll find we're a supportive and encouraging group all here for the same reason - to write, to learn, to be inspired.

First Impression/Thoughts:
Nicely done - a pensive write about shadow play under the guise of a children's game

Creativity/Impact:
I found this very creative. The guessing game that provides the structure of this was cleverly conceived.

Message/Theme:
What is a shadow? What does it mean? How did it come to play on my wall? There is a playfulness to this exploration of light and dark although you chose a somber approach to it.

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your words

.

Title - The title 'I Could Be" is the first thing that prospective readers will see. I thought your title was mysterious and invited the reader in to explore where this went. I'm sure some will look just to see what you're talking about. Since it is the only thing a prospective reader will see while scanning the list of items in a writers port, it serves as the advertisement of the poets imagination. You did incorporate the title into the poetic content as well which I thought was an excellent use.I noted that you didn't use the description line to prepare the reader and set the tone of the write. Too many overlook this and yet it is an integral part of the poem as well. Just something to think about

Grammar/Wording - This was a good technical write. You words were chosen to convey your theme to reader, setting up the guessing game, and seemed well thought out.

Form/Flow - I'm not a big writer of free verse because it's really a lot more difficult than most appreciate. Free verse is, despite its freedom, not entirely free. It still needs to feel like poetry, whether it's in the use of verses, poetic norms, or simply the use of poetic lines. I think you did well with this although I found this borderline prose. Prose tends to be more "matter-of-fact" and is closest to spoken language. As I read this, I saw several complete sentences. That's natural language. I don't want you to take this as a criticism, just as food for thought.

Poetic devices - I enjoyed the moments of alliteration (simply shadow, yin yang) and your use of enjambment was effective in pulling the reader from line to line. I thought your use of assonance (could be an oak tree) also made for a pleasing and flowing read.

Emotion/Imagery - Here's where I had some hesitation. You said this was a children's write but there was a dark feeling to this, especially the final lines. I was looking for a more playful feel, I guess.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

Despite some mixed feelings, I really enjoyed reading this. Your enjoyment of fantasy comes through clearly as I accompanied you on this journey of imagination. I think for a "newbie" effort, you did really well. Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

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#3997051

Review of an ear not money lend me

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi sweet libya

My name is Ken (glad to meet you

) and I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "King's Landing updating "

on behalf of the House of Baratheon. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "an ear not money lend me"

.

First Impression/Thoughts:
The poet, Robert Graves, said "“There's no money in poetry, but there's no poetry in money, either.” which I think is (at least partly) your point.

Creativity/Impact:
I found this not so much creative as I did passionate in making an argument for what most would say is common sense. It certainly is a statement of your convictions and that is uniquely you.

Message/Theme:
"It is simple as this: a million cannot buy a moment of peace but a moment of peace can make a million."

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your words

.

Title - "an ear not money lend me" The title is the first thing that prospective readers will see. I thought your title invited the reader in to explore the meaning of it. I'm sure some will look just to see what you're talking about. Since it is the only thing a prospective reader will see while scanning the list of items in a writers port, it serves as the advertisement of the poets imagination.

Grammar/Wording - Whenever I read a piece like this, I always go the author's port to get a sense of the writer. You never set up your biography so I'm working a bit in the dark here. I suspect that English isn't your first language from the way you write. You communicate well - that's not the issue - but some of your sentence structures are awkward. Keep writing - practice makes perfect. One word of caution: watch the spelling errors - in you description, you misspelled "different." Some will see this as a sign to pass the item by.

Form/Flow - This was written almost as an essay. You make the case that money isn't everything and give good examples.

Emotion/Imagery - Your passion for the subject is evident. Your use of examples are well thought out.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

Regardless of how you said it, I really enjoyed reading this. Your enthusiasm comes through clearly and I found myself smiling as I accompanied you on this journey. I think for a "newbie" effort, you did really well. Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

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#3995575

Review of Scattered Rose

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: 13+

| (3.5)

Hi lyssi-lou

My name is Ken (glad to meet you

) and I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "King's Landing updating "

on behalf of the House of Baratheon. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Scattered Rose"

.

I see you're new here - very new

Let me be among the first to say

"Welcome to WDC."

I hope you find whatever drew you to the site. I think you'll find we're a supportive and encouraging group all here for the same reason - to write, to learn, to be inspired.

Now, on to the review ...

First Impression/Thoughts:
A sad tale that, unfortunately, is all too true. Too many (women ... and men too) never realize their own beauty.

Creativity/Impact:
I enjoyed the metaphor of a rose sharing it's petals as a symbol for how we touch other's lives. I thought it was a creative approach and gave this a unique flavor.

Message/Theme:
There are several messages I saw. First and foremost, we need to realize that we're each beautiful. Maybe not in the way television advertiser's try to tell us we are but in our humanity. There was theme here of sharing our lives and how that can touch others. A cohesive and clear write.

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your bittersweet words

.

Title - "Scattered Rose" The title is the first thing that prospective readers will see. I thought your title was very descriptive of the contents. I'm sure some will be drawn to this just on the title alone. I'm a proponent of using the description line to help prospective readers understand a bit more about the contents and I'm glad to see you used it to set the mood for the story. The "hurt" part was delicately alluded to and I really didn't pick up on that without rereading.

Grammar/Wording - From a technical standpoint, there are a few issues here. The first thing I saw was this was written in a single paragraph and seemed crowded. It did make it difficult to read (especially for old geezers like me LOL). I think you could open this up and have more impact. For example - take the opening:

Her beauty was undeniable, her charm could not be escaped, (and) her laughter was contagious. She possessed a great mind, (period) She traveled and explored in thought.

It was impossible not to love her.

This way, you can direct the emphasis where you want the reader to feel it.

Form/Flow - Besides opening this up, watch out for the "run-on" sentences. You tend to put a lot of thoughts together with commas. Don't be afraid to break them down into bite-sized bits. It helps the reader's understanding.

Writing devices - You have all the elements of a great story here. I write mostly poetry and there's a wonderful imagery that you use that's almost poetic in feel. Good job.

Emotion/Imagery - Certainly, this was written with great emotion woven into it. I suspect you drew on your own feelings quite a bit as you penned this tale. Don't ever back down from your feelings - they give the story realism and that connects with the reader.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

Although sad, I really enjoyed reading this. Your ability to create emotion through your words stands out clearly and I found myself swept up in the sadness as I accompanied you on this journey of imagination. I think for a "newbie" effort, you did really well. Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

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#3995532

Review of The Tree

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Margaret Milham

My name is Ken (glad to meet you

) and I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "King's Landing updating "

on behalf of the House of Baratheon. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "The Tree"

.

I see you're new here - very new

Let me be among the first to say

"Welcome to WDC."

I hope you find whatever drew you to the site. I think you'll find we're a supportive and encouraging group all here for the same reason - to write, to learn, to be inspired.

Now, on to the review ...

First Impression/Thoughts:
I'm a nature love so running across this was fortuitous

I really enjoyed the personification of the old tree and how, in the end, it found a peace of sorts.

Creativity/Impact:
I found this very creative. Your use of personification - allowing us into the mind of a tree - was very well done.

Message/Theme:
This was an expressive, nature themed poem. Good use of descriptions to set the scene and thoughtful words made it a bittersweet write.

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your words

.

Title - The title, "The Tree" is the first thing that prospective readers will see. I thought your title was simple, direct, and eloquent. I'm sure some will look just to see what you're talking about. I'm a proponent of using the description line to help prospective readers understand a bit more about the contents and I'm glad to see you used it to set the mood for the poem.

Grammar/Wording - A good technical write with no errors noted. Nice choice of words convey the theme throughout. You've captured the melancholy of lonesomeness and the dreams of what could have been.

Form/Flow - I'm not a big writer of free verse (or, vers libre as those with airs like to say

because it's really a lot more difficult than most appreciate. Free verse is, despite its freedom, not entirely free. It still needs to feel like poetry, whether it's in the use of verses, poetic norms, or simply the use of poetic lines. I think you did well with this although I found this borderline prose. Prose tends to be more "matter-of-fact" and is closest to spoken language. As I read this, I saw several complete sentences; in fact, each line appears as a sentence. That's natural language. I don't want you to take this as a criticism, just as food for thought.

Poetic devices: Above all, you used personification - adding personal nature or human characteristics to something nonhuman - at the heart of your write.

Emotion/Imagery - Certainly, the imagery here is strong and captivating. The human emotions woven into this makes your poem more identifiable to readers who can relate to the feelings.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

I really enjoyed reading this. Your love of nature comes through clearly and I found myself smiling as I accompanied you on this journey of imagination. I think for a "newbie" effort, you did really well. Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

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#3995374

Review of Maude

Review by 🌖 HuntersMoon

In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Hi Miss. Flagrant

My name is Ken and I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "King's Landing updating "

on behalf of the House of Baratheon. It is my pleasure to both read and comment on your work "Maude"

. I see you're new here

Welcome to WDC. I hope you'll find us a friendly and encouraging group and that your stay will be fruitful!

First Impression/Thoughts:
You are a tease, by nature, aren't you?

So, how does it end? You left us hanging ... I would also consider raising the rating to 13+ - yes, it's just one "hell" tucked in at the end but some folks are overly sensitive.

Creativity/Impact:
While I enjoyed the story, it was based on "Christina Rossetti's Sister Maude poem" and I suspect you needed to have read the poem to get the full impact of this snippet of the tale. One recommendation: add a link to the poem at the bottom of the page. You can copy and paste the following to add it: {x-link:http://classiclit.about.com/library/bl-etexts/crossetti/bl-crossetti-sistermaude.htm}Sister Maude{/x-link} A complete list of how to add links, emoticons, or using Writing ML can be found http://www.writing.com/main/tools/action/writingml...

Message/Theme:
Ahhh, sibling rivalry is the fodder of so many great tales

This is a Gothic themed tale of deception, jealousy, and ultimately betrayal written in a historical setting. I'm not a big fan of this but the heart of the story is universal regardless of time periods.

Technique/Technical Notes:
I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. You are the writer and this is your work, not mine. The most I can do is tell you what I saw and felt as I wandered through your dark words

.

Title - The title "Maude" is the first thing that prospective readers will see. I thought your title was very open ended but appropriate. It didn't speak to me of anything in particular which is why I'm a proponent of using the description line to help prospective readers understand a bit more about the contents. "I did," you'll say ... but those who've never heard of Christina Rossetti or Sister Maude will still be clueless

Remember, you can always add a note at the bottom of the tale to add this kind of information .

Grammar/Wording - You kept the language period appropriate which helps in establishing a feel for the setting. For the most part, it seems you're not a "newbie" when it comes to writing. This was well written and I saw only a few minor errors. A few examples:
Paragraph 3: "No-one" isn't typically a hyphenated word.
Paragraph 4: You wrote In the end they agreed to do so, the driving force ... These are two separate thoughts and should be two sentences rather than using a comma. Even a semicolon would work

Paragraph 7: You wrote “Vivien!!” exclaimed Beatrix,“Hello Beatrix” came the deep, ... When using dialogue, typically each speaker is divided by a paragraph. This allows the reader to keep track of who's speaking with constantly having to identify the speaker.

I think, with a little distance, if you reread this you'll catch these little "ankle biters"

Form/Flow - The overall flow was well done and the read fairly smooth. There were some parts that seemed to come out of nowhere and didn't make sense to me (although, that could be me as a reader too

). For example, you announced Maude's return with "Thud!" ??? A door closing, a foot stomping, where did that sound come from? You bring Vivien (the real one) into the scene at the end but I'm left wondering how Victor knew so much about the sisters that he could pass himself off as Vivien - and why would he?

Writing devices - You gave us the five elements of a complete story: setting, plot, characters, conflict and theme. I think the plot line suffered a bit without knowledge of the poem but, then again, I'm really not a romantic at heart so I may be a poor judge.

Emotion/Imagery - The imagery is key in setting up the setting. I thought your descriptions were very good and I could imagine this gothic house with ease. Nicely done.

Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:

I did enjoy reading this although leaving me hanging at the end wasn't very nice of you

. You've obviously done your homework and your inspiration was clear as I accompanied you on this journey of imagination. I think for a "newbie" effort, you did really well. I hope you'll continue this story; it will be interesting to see where this journey takes you. Thank you for sharing your vision and talent with me today.

Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more.

Keep writing! Wishing you all the best,

Ken

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Beginning May 1st Please click the image above and support "Invalid Item"

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