Hello there.
Thank you for allowing me to enjoy and review your work. The feedback is meant only to encourage and inspire you to continue your talent. All suggestions are that alone. I am just a lover of reading and writing.
Title: Lol - okay no title as yet.
Narrative & Dialogue:
I loved this! I liked the way you described your couple initially, I 100% agree with you in the way a love story should be written, as a build up to the relationsthip and just just straight into sex as some people writing erotica are wont to do. Your narration is very strong and your descriptions of both characters is very clear to your reader.
The dialogue is great, giving them each their own distinct voice.
Imagery & Emotion:
I thoroughly enjoyed the imagery here and you endeared me to your character very cleverly by making him interested in just a normal natural girl, and not being taken in by the "usual kind" as you mention.
Suggestions & Typos:
“I see her at school, she’s in my math class. Tony didn’t
There should be close quotes after class.
Maybe I can ask her to come to my graduation party, he wondered.
Thinking sentences should be in italics - or so I have been told.
“Mind if I walk with you,” he asked.
Question mark.
“Are you asking me out, Tony,” she asked.
Question mark.
Overall Thoughts & Rating:
This already seems like a feel good story - just the kind Nicholas Sparks writes.
I look forward to reading more about Tonmy and Mary.
Thank you for sharing your work.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
Write on!
Kind regards