General Disclaimer:It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest!
Hello!
A very short, yet vivid piece of writing here!
I love how clearly you describe things, evoking beautiful memories:
There was something special about it - the alignment of bed (with its stark purple bedcover); the big rusty grilled window; the decorations on the wall; the open balcony looking straight into horizon while herding past the manicured gardens and wild plantations on way; the study table loaded with things that I would deem essential to my happiness like books, reading materials, my journals, stationery, picture frames, paint colours, brushes, greeting cards and my beloved dictionary, apart from the other indispensible paraphrenalia.
You actually show what your room is like, that helps readers to visualize it.
I also love the cute imagery you use of the squirrel. I can almost see them before my eyes!
The whole setup was somehow just too perfect for me. I'd wake up with the early morning white sun peeping through my window. Oh, how lovely it would be to hear little birds sing a wake up serenade. The furry squirrel would come scurrying on the balcony parapet slowly gnawing on those tiny broken crumbs of sweet biscuit I would leave for them every night.
This is a very short piece and there are almost no errors. I'll just point out one or two that you might have missed:
apart from the other indispensible paraphrenaliaparaphrenalia should be paraphernalia.
Oh, how lovely it would be to hear little birds sing a wake up serenade. There should be an exclamation mark at the end of the sentence, instead of the period.
I noticed in one para (the first para of your piece that I quote in this review), you use semicolons a lot. Also, this particular sentence that I quoted is very long. It might help if you break it up into smaller pieces.
Overall, it was really refreshing reading this piece. I almost felt transported to your little haven. Thanks for sharing this!
General Disclaimer:It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest!
Hello!
I can see you are very new here. First of all, welcome to WDC! Wish you all the best wishes on your journey here!
So this is the first piece you put up here, a short story. Lots of things you wanted to pack in it: murder, mystery and twist as you mention. Your story begins on a very interesting note, instantly evoking the reader's interest to read on to find out what happens next. Good work!
Your second best thing about this story is its dialogues. Dialog, often, is the best way to let your readers into your story and its characters. And you do that really well through whatever few dialogues you use.
Thirdly, I love how you describe Adrian. Adrian was tall, slim, dark haired, and at this moment, rather hungry. He wore a suit that needed changing, and a long trench coat, open despite the light rain that was falling.
It is very clear and shows us exactly what Adrian's state of mind and body is. It helps us relate to him instantly, making him real and believable. Good job!
However, there were a few mistakes and typos that I found. I'll point them out for you:
The body was found around 3am Add a space between three and am.
Dumped down an alleyway, Detective Inspector Adrian Dolman thought it was just another cliche murder.Cliche should be cliched.
A little typo: curiousity taking over from tiredness.curiousity should be curiosity.
You missed a period at the end of the line: And nor is this"
Besides this, I want to say a few things about the writing itself. You promise a lot in your description of the story. But somehow, that promise isn't totally fulfilled. Sometimes I felt it was written in a hurry, with not much time devoted to detailing. At best, this can act as a prologue to some bigger story.
However, I also understand this is your very first piece here. With time and some revision, I'm certain this is going to be a great piece. So just hang in there an and I'm sure we will get to read lot more interesting stuff from you in near future!
General Disclaimer:It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest!
First of all, thank you for sharing it with us all. This is an amazing piece. I have read a few articles and writings on 9/11 attacks, but this one was, well, totally different.
The main plus point of this story for me is the very idea of it. You chose to tell the tale from Death’s perspective. And that choice itself is highly commendable.
Coming to the execution, it was perfect too. You create a very vivid description of the Angel of Death, of his feelings and his job. Through a clear narrative you pull the reader into the story; make them see the happenings through the eyes of Death. I felt at times that I was myself the Angel of Death and as the Angel hovered over NYC sky, I felt I could see it just before my eyes.
The description of the attack itself was magnificently done:
Large support beams, shards of glass and other debris were beginning to fall around me. The floor, now coated in a thick layer of dust and rubble, was swaying and buckling under my feet. I could feel more and more people slipping from the world of life to that of the dead. Sirens were shrieking and bystanders were screaming as they watched the iconic tower start to crumble in on itself.
This is what they call show, not tell, and you pull that off pretty skillfully, my friend!
I loved how you show the readers how the Angel feelings as terror and pain wrecks through every living soul: The plane crashed into the World Trade Center at 8:46 AM. There was another waved of terror and pain that swept over me as I slowly made my way to the tower. I could feel the heat of the fire radiating from the gaping hole that the plan left on the upper part of the building. My ears were filled with the roaring of the flames and the desperate cries of agony. I started sifting through the rubble as quickly as I could in an attempt to free the victim’s souls and end their immense suffering.
It was taking every ounce of strength and self-control I had to not allow myself to be taken over by their feelings. The souls I was extracting from the rubble weren’t feeling particularly free or appreciative. Instead, they surrounded me and flooded me with a sense of confusion.
I couldn’t help but be mesmerized!
And you just don’t end the story with the plane attacks. You go on to show how it actually affects the Angel, how he gives up his job as the Angel of death being touched by the sufferings of thousands of human beings, even after being admonished by his father. Very humane (or should I say angelic?)!
As I said before, this is a wonderfully written piece. I’ll just point out a few technical errors that I found:
The pain and suffering that soul had felt in life no longer feels in death.
This sentence read a bit confusing to me. I was thinking more along the lines The pain and suffering that soul had felt in life is no longer felt in death. See what you think.
I’ve always like I’ve always liked
There was another waved of terror and pain that swept over me as I slowly made my way to the tower. Waved should be wave. You might even consider writing this like: Another wave of terror and pain swept over me as I slowly made my way to the tower.
See if this suits you.
It was taking every ounce of strength and self-control I had to not allow myself to be taken over by their feelings.
You may write it was taking as it took.
Overall, it was really amazing reading this piece. I was recently discussing with a fellow author what we needed at this point of time---good writers or good story-tellers. I think you shine in both the categories gracefully. Keep writing and sharing like this!
General Disclaimer:It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest!
Hello!
A cute poem!
I love the imageries that you flood the reader with. Very picturesque and vivid! I especially loved:
Blue eyes laughing
In the star light.
Children's laughter
Floats on the breeze,
It makes leaves dance,
The rhythm of trees.
I have a few suggestions:
I found that you rhyme a few stanzas, and the others are left un-rhymed.
For example,
She squeezes my hand
And says with a smile,
"Your the best daddy
In the whole wide world."
I wished this particular stanza were rhymed. Somehow, it didn't feel quite complete. Whenever you write a poem, please choose a rhyming scheme. If you want to go with free form (with no rhyming at all), that's good. But don't mix up rhyme and free form. It hampers the smooth flow.
In the sentence my heaven on earth, capitalize m of my.
Overall, it was enjoyable reading your piece. It paints a very beautiful picture and evokes pleasant emotions. With just a little care the poem will be wonderful!
Best wishes,
Arpita
General Disclaimer:It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest!
First impression: I like the spacing that you have used. The title is also appropriate and says quite a lot for the poem. Good work!
Errors or typos: I found only some, I'll point it out for you:
Blinded by hate, and words it just goes into a blur.
In this line I think you should leave out the comma after hate. I think what you mean here is to say is blinded by hate and words. So there's no need of the comma.
I didn't quite understand the line and the real you shows tired of all the names and hate.
Shows? I felt you meant it more like the real you grows. Just me!
In the line: you showed that your not scared,.
your should be you are.
What I liked:
I loved the strong words you use. You get your message very clear and everything hits the right nerve. Nicely done!
I love your positive attitude towards life. You rightly begin: Everybody has been through it, but no one loves it.
How true that is! But you end on an even postive note: When it all goes because you showed that your not scared, and everything is easy as its suppose to!
It gives the hope that all is not over, and even when everything seems to end, some things always remain. Wonderful thoughts and very well expressed!
Suggestions :
Well, the only suggestion I have is that, since you are writing a poem and even though it is in free form, you might try keeping the length of the lines uniform. But if you want to carry on with this style, that's good too. After all, every author has her own style!
Overall: It has been wonderful reading your work. You are new here and you strike to me as a very powerful poet. Keep sharing with the community!
General Disclaimer:It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest!
Hello!
This is perhaps your first item here and the first flash fiction too. The main thing about flash fiction is that they got to be real short. Often it gets pretty difficult to do that in such a few words.
You have presented a very beautiful piece here. It holds much promise. Your punctuation and grammar is good and the idea of the flash is also good. What I liked best is how it ends. You end it symbolically, keeping the reader guessing what happens next. For me, that's a very good way to end.
One thing that you could improve upon in this piece is that you might try adding some details. For the most part the flash is narrative, showing the story from your perspective. I think the reader would be drawn more towards the piece if you try showing it from the protagonist's perspective. Like when you say she is praying, you can actually add her thoughts in italics. That would make the reader relate to her tension even more.
Overall, it has been good reading your work. It has a good idea, with a little care this is going to be a nice flash.
Please check out "Let's help each other grow!-Forum-Closed" . It is a forum for newbies like us, for us to come together and share our work and problems. You can even add a review requests there.
General Disclaimer:It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest!
Hello there!
Just found this on the static items page. The title struck, so I read on. And I'm glad I did.
The best thing about this narrative is that it flows amazingly smooth !
Second, the dialogue is very, very well written. It cl;early shows the attitudes of both the characters. Very nicely done!The way you use dialogue to change Sid's mind is very convincing. Nicely done! I specifically loved: I hit rock bottom, and suddenly everybody's interested? Wow!
I also loved the story you told through this. It gives out a positive message. You don't make your guardian preachy and all, so the story flows in a very convincing manner. Simply love your style!
Your writing is almost perfect. I have a very few things to point out.
First, I'd ask you to give some more spacing in the piece. It is easier on the eye that way.
The punctuation is very good. I'll point a few areas that you might have overlooked by chance.
He looks at the bottles, and i can see the resentment.
Capitalize i.
You missed the period in a few areas:
"Of course you can"
"You were never alone"
Overall, it has been an amazing experience reading this! I'm looking forward to reading some more of your stuff. I think you have an amazing writer in you. Thanks for sharing with the community.
General Disclaimer:It has been a pleasure to read and review your work. I hope that my comments help you in some way. Accept those that do and just leave the rest!
First impression:The font size and spacing makes it an easy read. The tittle is okay, but I think something like "First day of frog dissection" would be more accurate, because the title you have chosen is somewhat more general.
Errors or typos: None. Good work!
What I liked:
I simply loved the phrase The mere thought of it had me questioning exactly which direction the cafeteria food was going to take.
The punctuation is very good.
What I didn't like so much:
While reading this piece I felt that your sentences were long in most cases. It helps if you break them up into shorter ones.
Suggestions :
My only suggestion to you will be to detail into some areas. Like when you say Susie groaned you could just show me her reaction, as in what remarks she actually made. You have done this showing in some places-you just need to do that some more. Same goes with explaining the situation in the rooms-what other children were doing? Was everyone as nervous as the protagonist? It'd help the readers to picture the atmosphere and make the story more real to us.
Overall: It was pretty interesting reading your piece. I'm myself a science student (though I don't have biology) and I know about this experiences from those who have done it. I know exactly how it feels to dissect frogs for the first time, the sheer grossness of the whole method. You showed the feelings very neatly. Good work! Keep sharing!
Very touching piece. The end nearly brought tears to my eyes! I loved how nicely you made your observation on first love:
"First loves are the best. They tower above all others because they are comparable to nothing."
How true these words are! Anyone in love will vouch for that.
I just have one suggestion: you talk about her death n the last para. However, it comes really abrupt after the beautiful narrative of your love-story. In fact, in the beginning of the last para, I couldn't even make out that it was she who had died. I think you could handle the last para a little differently.
Anyways, it was amazing to read your story. Thanks so much for sharing this.
~Arpita
Hi there!
A very well-written piece! It was really amazing to read about such a beautiful dream. You have the pictures painted exactly accurate. I could almost see what you wanted us to see-your wife, her beauty, the places you went to.
Really some dreams are SO beautiful!
I have just a little suggestion for you. I noticed in the narrative, you switch between past and present tenses even in the same para. In any type of writing, maintaining uniformity of the tense is important. See if you can do anything about it.
Overall, I'm really glad that I read this piece! It was a different experience altogether!
~Arpita
Hi!
I think this is a great start to a beautiful story. In fact the last line did make me want to know more.
The beginning would be better if we got to know why the protagonist hates her parents. But I think it'll be okay as you move on with the story.
So good luck with it, hoping to see the next part of it here soon.
~ Arpita
Hi!
Very interesting little story! I enjoyed reading about how a fat ban would be like. I don't know if bans like that are already in action in some places, so it was entirely new and entertaining for me. I felt sympathy for the poor woman. Your story had a subtle comical touch to it too.
However, I felt that the second part of the story (when the woman is alone in the car) was too much narrative. It would read better if there were some dialogues more. Like without giving me the information about the ban, you could show that happening already. So that it would break the monotony of the narrative.
Overall, it was very interesting reading your little story. I enjoyed it a lot.
~Arpita
Hi!
For a first piece you have done a really great job! The content was good and touching. You used the dialogues very creatively and the helped with the smooth flow of the story.
I have a few suggestions regarding the punctuations:
1)How do I know how a bad father looked like when I was still 10
In the above line there should be a question mark at the end.
2) I saw in most cases you didn't use periods in within the quotation mark. Like in the sentence:
"Not unless you buy it or inherit it" there should be a period after it.
3)“aw whatever!"-Capitalize a of 'aw'
Otherwise, your story is amazing. It was a wonderful experience reading it.
~Arpita
I liked your vision that you have expressed through the poem. Indeed our lives are like a song. Whatever we do, dream, think is like one beautiful tune. It's the tune of life that surpasses everything-hatred, enmity, and all evils. But sometimes people do forget who they are, why they came to this world and hamper the flow of life's song. It's only about recognizing the self.
Your article gave me lots to think on. That's definitely a very good point about it.
Best wishes,
Arpita
Hello there!
Welcome to WDC! I hope you are enjoying your journey here quite a lot.
Just found your little story here. It's quite interesting. You have built on the mood pretty well in it. I have just a few suggestions regarding punctuation.
In the following line:
"Ever since her and Bryan broke up her cell phone has been going off the charts with text messages and phone calls." there should be a comma after " Ever since her and Bryan broke up"
Add a period after "Don't get me wrong".
I'm not bitter or anything(add period again) I'm in my own happy relationship with my boyfriend, Kyle.
And is this work still in progress? The end wasn't somehow like THE END. If it isn't complete, please add 'in progress' or something like that in the title.
It was great reading your story. I loved how your built this up. Hope to see more of it.
Best wishes,
Arpita
Hey there!
Just went through your story here. It was nice having a peek into your mind (if this story is strictly based on you, that is). Many times in our lives we meet someone who make up our whole world until the time they leave. Not that they leave willingly always, because man is bound to some choices. And that, I guess, is the tragedy of being human. Yes, falling in love is like enjoying the bliss of Heaven. But when it ends (willingly, or unwillingly) it hurts like hell.
The only hopeful part is that, no matter what, life goes on. May be someday you’ll find your perfect person who won’t have to leave you like that. Just as they say, who knows when miracles happen?
~Arpita
Hey there!
This is far from worst. It's great! Especially the end, IT IS HILARIOUS! It's witty and sharp.
The punctuation is good, the flow of the poem is nice. The lines are of equal length, which assists the flow.
Nicely done.
Best wishes,
~Arpita
Hello there!
I know what you mean. I can relate to it because I myself face that everyday. I have friends who make friends with me just so they can use me. And this has happened a lot of times in the past few years. I think your mom found the reason right:
"she said i was honset, trusting and guilable, and that those three things led to me down fall". Most often than not, I tend to believe the person in front of me, and try to help him/her in any way I can. As a result I end up being used. The friends come and go, and i'm just left hurt. I think that's the case with you too.
As for your writing itself, please capitalize the 'i' and the first letter after every period. And the last line:
"oppisite from a hero, hes a villian." should be 'opposite of a hero, he's a villain'. And 'honset' should be honest.
Hope you find your hero someday.
Best wishes,
Arpita
Hello!
Just read your little story here. Wonderful narrative. I loved the swift flow that the story had. The inner thoughts of the protagonist (or the narrator) very beautifully kept me hooked into the story. I liked how your presented your characters too.
Best wishes,
Arpita
Hello!
A very beautiful little story. You chose a very nice plot and have elaborated in it pretty well. First let me come to what I liked best:
1) I loved that you detailed on the settings, you showed me the place where Em was, the smell and sound of it. It helped me picture the place well.
2) I loved the innocence and love for the tree that you brought forward in the following lines:
Emily hesitated before exiting the Jeep. Turning to Jason, she said softly, “You’re going to love her Jason, but if you don’t, act like you do, okay?”
I found it really cute and touching too.
Now coming to the part where I think you could improve upon:
1) In the very beginning, Em’s dialogue sounded a little monotonous. All the lines you have added a pretty long. Since this is conversation, I think, breaking thing up into lines of varied length would even up the dialogue.
2) Both the characters acted as they should, for the most part. But I think I’d have loved some more insight into Jason’s character.
3) A little grammatical mistake in the line: Aww, that if so adorable, Em. ‘If’ should be ‘is’.
4) And I didn’t really get what you wanted to say in the last line:
Emily grinned and murmured under her breath, “Jason will be needing this.”
I think you meant about carving the initials, but I feel that the ending would be much better if you actually showed her carving the letters. It would give the story a more symbolic end.
Overall, this is a very beautiful piece. I enjoyed Em’s little secret, and how you presented it. Em appears a very lively girl, and you have showed that aspect of her character very well. Kudos for that. The whole story brought around very pleasant memories.
Thanks for sharing and my very best wishes to you.
~Arpita
Hello!
Very nicely done. i loved the atmosphere you created in your little story. I felt with your characters and could relate to them.
However I have a few suggestions regarding the grammar and punctuation:
1)Every hair on Tiffany's body was standing on end -> I think standing on end should be 'stood on end'
2)listened to his heart-that at that moment-only wanted her. -> I don't think you need to add the hyphens here, the line is ok as it is.
Overall, i loved reading your little story. it was an enjoyable experience that lingers on.
Best wishes,
Arpita
Hello!
I’m just a high school girl from India and not really well-aware of this playboy culture. But I think I understood much of it through your writing.
What I liked about your writing is that it has much truth in it. The character doesn’t care what people think of him-he loves who he is and he dares to say that on the face too. I don’t know if I’ll like a guy like that, but…he’s definitely much, much better than someone who uses a girl, takes advantage of her innocence and then throws her away. With your character, at least I know what I can expect. If I like it, I might go on, and if I don’t, who cares. In short, I found your character extremely believable and real. After a really long time I read about someone like this and in so much detail.
And my favorite lines are:
" They’re all pretty much the same: one hot heavy step forward, followed by two catholic steps back. Cat and mouse, back and forth and you can’t figure out who’s the cat and who’s the mouse. "
I'm amazed by how you used hot step and catholic step.
Very well done!
~Arpita
Hello!
A very nice poem. Very vivid description. It effectively touches the heart. I can feel the pain in it. Very powerful a poem indeed!
However, I don't really get why you put the words in square brackets, I think the words would fit as well if you remove them. Just an opinion.
Best wishes,
Arpita
Well, I don't know about your mailbox, but this is a very interesting story you have written here! I loved the easy manner in which you told the story, the simple words you have chosen and the vivid pictures that you have created. In short, it was a joyful experience reading your story. I kind of felt sympathy for the poor mailbox too!
Best wishes,
Arpita
Hi!
I saved up your story yesterday on my computer. Thought I’d better devote some time to it before I came back with a review.
I guess what you have put up so far is just the beginning of the story. The descriptions were very vivid. Most of it was elaborate. I wished you detailed a little more in some instances. I’m copying the passages where I think you could have elaborated on:
1) For the remainder of their lunch hour, the two chatted happily about their first half of the day. Both of them purposely avoided their awkward conversation earlier that morning
2) For the remainder of the night, Sky silently listened to his parents and Mr. Dunstan and his wife exchange small talk and a little bit of business talk.
I know you might have jumped details about these because you wanted to move ahead with the story, but I still think that a few more conversations would provide a charm. Like, in the second instance that I pointed out, you can add a little of the small talk you mentioned, like the greetings as the guests come in and stuff like that. I’m saying this mostly because you have embarked upon writing a novel here. So, I think you could use a slower pace, you don’t need to jump from this to that. This is not really a short story that you need to jump to the conclusion right away.
Moving on, what I liked best about your story is the ending. All throughout the story a certain gloom reigned over (which was exactly what the story required, and you have managed to do it brilliantly). So the end came like a breath of fresh air. It added the positivity required in the story. I was really struck by where you chose to end the chapter. As of now, it’s brilliant. Cuz the positivity of the ending hung around in the atmosphere that you have created and flared up my curiosity to know what’s next. You really know very well how to keep the reader hooked into you story.
Overall, it was a joy to read your writing. Hoping to see the next part of the story very soon over here.
~Arpita
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I have read a few articles and writings on 9/11 attacks, but this one was, well, totally different. 
Errors or typos
Suggestions
It has been wonderful reading your work. You are new here and you strike to me as a very powerful poet. Keep sharing with the community! 
What I didn't like so much