Under the Hat

It's a real pain in the ass when everyone you would like to have had a suicide pact with beats you to it.

Sometimes we all wish we were somewhere else, with someone else, and as someone else.

Love is a many splendored thing. It's also a many convoluted piece of crap...just depends on which side you look at.

Have you ever looked at someone you lusted after in High School and say "Wow...they went further sideways than I did..."

I was happy the other day...holding the woman I love in a field of tall grass. Our lips met, our tongues touched...and I woke up...Note to self: Quit buying the cat that damn canned food...yuck

Taking a long walk in the woods is much more relaxing if you never intend to come back.

Anyone who tells you that Bitcoin is the currency of the new century is an idiot. Just go on any dating site and meet up with people...iTunes cards are the new currency...guarantee it!

I once had a cynical old man who told me that a woman's heart is like frozen stone...I called him daft...I called him a liar, I called him a fool.
Now I call him a sage, and have become one myself.

Every time a woman says she's looking for her Knight in Shining Armor, I think of the bent and battered armor that has kept me whole and walk away. It's not even worth it to explain anymore.

There are things worse than being alone...like being with someone who loves you, but has no interest in you. Spending years with someone who doesn't care for your touch one way or the other.

As a broken person, I know I'm the best, 'cause when you just want to sit and talk about weird shit, I'm down for that.

I guess that's got it all divided up. Oh, as for my heart, you broke it, you clean it up!

When I'm quiet, I just don't have anything to say.

I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm being quiet because I gave up trying to figure out what you're bitched off about ALL...THE...TIME...

Don't overthink it dear...I just don't want to. And in 5 minutes, I'm still not going to want to.

Why is it that some people just EXPECT everyone to see it their way?

Sweetheart...I know your family is very close...I know you love your mother...I know you'd like to keep your mother close always...so, understand that I mean this in the best way possible. I just told your mother to fuck off...freak out about it, and you're next...Love you!!!

Sometimes I wish I had a bumper sticker that could change its message every 4 hours.

I sometimes find myself wishing I could find a single piece of music that I could play loudly in my car that would not only drown out any other genre of music, but would thoroughly annoy everyone who heard it at the same time, because, you know, that's an adult thing to do...

If you find yourself getting mad in a conversation, just imagine that the other person, male or female, is wearing those really old style black lace crotchless panties about 2 sizes too big...it will really help you settle down.

As a nurse, I finally have an answer to all those people whose favorite expression is "you don't know shit." I simply say, "I am a Registered Nurse, so I guarantee you I know EVERY KIND OF SHIT THERE IS!!!"

The nice thing about aging is that when you ignore someone, they often think you didn't hear what they said, so they repeat themselves. Then you can simply say, "Oh, I heard you, I was just waiting to see if you were dumb enough to say it again." It's DEVASTATING....ROFLMAO