SHREWD Application

1.   Moniker. Every would-be super villain needs a Dastardly Designation, a name with which to strike fear into the hearts of innocents everywhere and sow confusion among those pesky law enforcement types. For those who do not see the glamour of an alter ego, worry not; your DD is non-binding and may be changed at a later date or in the event that you feel secure enough in your evil powers as to no longer require its use. (R)

2.   Gender. This should really be self-explanatory. (R)

3.   Villain type. SHREWD is an equal opportunity employer. We recognize the valuable contributions made to further the cause of darkness by those from all walks of life. That being said, which one of the following categories most closely describes how you view yourself? (R)

4.   Minions. We at SHREWD understand the difficulty of building a reliable network of minions from the ground up, and we are therefore prepared to offer our assistance in this regard provided a suitable rate of return may be negotiated at a later date. If you require start-up funds for this purpose, please fill in the circle most appropriate to your situation. (R)

5.   Priorities. Time management is important to any new business. Given a situation where you may only choose one, with nothing else being guaranteed, would you rather: (R)

6.   Role model. This is the part of our application that gives a nod to all the great super villains who have passed before us and laid the groundwork for so much of our success. Which of the following would you say has provided the greatest inspiration in your own work? (R)

7.   And why? That's great! We all need role models in our lives to look up to. Now, tell us why you picked whomever you chose. What is it about that particular baddie that floats your boat? On the other hand, is there anything you might have done differently or improved upon were you in their situation? If your selection in the previous list was not your "perfect" fit, tell us who you have in mind and why. (R)

8.   History. All right, enough about other people. After all, as every evil mastermind knows, there is only ONE most important person in the universe, right? So go on, tell us something about what lured you to the path of evil, what rewards you hope to reap, and what destruction and despair you plan on wreaking upon your enemies. (R)

9.   Strengths. What do you view as your greatest strength? (R)

10.   Weaknesses. While most aspiring supreme overlords deny the presence of any weakness, SHREWD finds that honesty in this matter (and probably this matter alone) generally increases the Lag Time to First Arrest (LTFA). So, of the following list, which would you say is your most dreaded weakness? (R)

11.   First evil deed. Was it holding up the lemonade stand of the kid down the street? Was it murdering your mentor because he couldn't see the beauty of your dark vision? Whatever your first evil deed was, we want to know! Please include references, if pertinent. (R)

12.   Greatest achievement. Go on. You know you want to brag. Whether it was how you swindled that kid out of his lollipop or the elaborate scheme you executed to disposed of those inconvenient bodies in the back yard, SHREWD wants to know what you view as your greatest achievement to date. (R)

13.   Ambition. Of course, the greatest driving force behind any super villain is that over-arching ambition that defines the shape of our very existence. It can be as consuming as greed, as diabolical as ruler of the underworld, and as obsessive as being the sole possessor of all the original Beatles albums in their authentic vinyl form. Although such lofty dreams are, of course, incomprehensible to mere law-abiding mortals, SHREWD understands; our career counsellors will be happy to tailor your sponsorship to your specific aims. Please use the following space to tell us of your goals. (R)

14.   Superheroes. Although not every hero is a superhero, the latter group is a particularly irritating nuisance and a potential blight on the careers of self-serving megalomaniacs everywhere. While aspiring candidates are not expected to have dealt with any to date, SHREWD appreciates applicants who have given some thought to this issue, as one that affects numerous aspects of our field. In that spirit, please use the following space to tell us your thoughts on this pestilence. Possible themes include: which superhero would you most like to destroy and how; theories on how they can maintain their meddlesome, self-righteous ways despite an obscene (but rather exciting) amount of latex; which sidekick seems most open to swaying to the dark and why; etc. You may also feel free to expound on a theme of your own choice. (R)

15.   Down time. As in any high-stress career, supreme overlords should not hesitate to take some time for themselves or suffer the risk of burnout. What would be your down time of choice? (R)

16.   Tell us more... If you answered "Other" on the previous question, or if you just want to elaborate on your preferred method of R&R, feel free to use the space below. (R)

17.   References. SHREWD recognizes that supreme-overlords-on-the-make generally leave few behind to tell the tale. Nevertheless, please list at least three people, alive or dead, who can vouch for the vileness of your character. Our seance specialists will be standing by for those no longer of the mortal plane. Please also include a short blurb telling us of their relationship (current or former) to yourself and any special precautions SHREWD personnel should take before approaching them to discuss your proposed sponsorship. (R)

18.   Appearance. Finally, we ask for a detailed description of your physique. Please include such traits as height, weight, build, hair and eye colors, complexion, etc. Our on-staff design team will need all of these as they work to compose your very own super villain outfit -- one that will send ripples of horror through the huddled masses even as they admire how your attire brings out your eyes and complements your skin tone. (R)

19.   Latex. Please check below if you suffer from a latex allergy, as this is the favorite material of our design team and we dislike our candidates dying of asphyxiation after trying on their outfits. Note: such asphyxiation is grounds for immediate disqualification; no refunds.

Yes, I am allergic to latex.
Note: SHREWD is not liable for any damages, up to and including death, that may result from use of our products.

20.   Thank you for your interest! Our recruitment committee with be reviewing all applications over the next few weeks and will contact our finalists as soon as possible. In the interests of perhaps hurrying things along, please check below to indicate whether you would like to receive a comprehensive list of judges (to bribe) and other competitors (to off). Thank you, and we wish you the best of luck in this and all future dastardly endeavors!

Yes, I would like my comprehensive list mailed to my residence.
Note: SHREWD guarantees the privacy of your residential information, except in cases where requested by your sponsorship rivals.