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 |  My purging and some other crap - can be funny, most times without trying :-) |
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♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ Just to take the crap out of me and put it somewhere else for safekeeping. Gets heavy carrying it around. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** It's me, Summertime 2010. I'm pretty damn happy these days. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** And yes.. this is my daughter, Devann Dev   . I am the luckiest Mom in the world. Can't get a new pic ... oh maybe I'll creep FB and steal one from there! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** And our little slice of paradise. I still after 'four' years here can't believe how lucky I am. Come on over .. the door's always open ( heehee ) Thanks for stopping by. Cheers Check yourself, or I mean, it out
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| Living right on the ocean, albeit beautiful, does allow for subjection to some unique predicaments. When the tide is low, you better not be hauling groceries or large, heavy objects. The incline of the ramp can seem like Mount Everest when it’s time to take out the garbage. The tide changes about twice a day – of course I never pay attention to ‘when’ it’s low or ‘when’ it’s high. Which means I usually get caught huffing stuff up or down at the wrong times. Low tide is not my favorite to be honest, other than the steep ramp - things look at little more… bleak. The water is stiller, (is that a word?) there’s more yucky gunk floating around, other grossness that is normally hidden, appears. Barnacles, seaweed, slimy things and other not so appetizing items stick out here and there. High tide on the other hand – emphasizes the beauty. The water is clearer, it reaches right up, tickling the edges of the overhanging branches and plants. The ramp, of course, is almost completely flat. Our house sits higher and it seems like more of the world is available to feast eyes upon. When I canoe, I prefer high tide. I can go farther – low tide cuts me off from the little secret canal I love so much – where there is never any wind and it seems like I can just get lost in there. It’s not huge by any stretch, but it’s solitude at its most defined. With the weather getting dicier, I take the calm waters when they’re available. Today that meant low tide. So I paddled along, just happy to be out in the cooling air and the quiet. As I watched my paddle dip into the water, I paid closer attention as I feared running aground. And an interesting revelation occurred. I really looked today – usually my mind wanders or I am looking ahead or watching the wind patterns – but today I looked down. I watched with the eyes of a video camera as tiny little puffs of blowing sand whispered the presence of secret hideaways. Teeny tiny crabs scurried along, anxious to stay away from the ominous wooden creature descending from the sky. Fish lazed around oblivious to me or the shadow of the canoe. Stunning starfish of brilliant purples, oranges, and yellows were spattered here and there. In one spot about 30 had clumped together in seeming disarray, but my senses discerned there was most likely order amidst the seeming chaos. I felt like an intruder into their world. I dipped each stroke with purpose trying not to offend or interfere with this secret underwater life. And I thought. I thought – isn’t this like life? Isn’t low tide, like the low points in life? From the outside, it’s bleak and ugly and undesirable. But looking closer, there is still magic. There’s still merit (thank you Wren ) in the low times. There is beauty all around, even when upon first glance, there appears not to be.The tides change twice a day – Mother Nature does that. Life all around the tides change and adapt. My mood changes at least twice a day. And that should be okay shouldn’t it? I think there is a huge correlation here. I am going to think on this more. I had a great day today. Yesterday’s blog was a bit of ruse. I was down and saw myself descending and I didn’t want to go any further. In a round about way, I reached out and you were all there. Something that before I would have let pull me into the abyss, was just a mere blip on the scale. What a gift. To be here and feel supported. I have a job interview on Tuesday. I did things a little differently. I wrote an email to a place that seems to hold some sort of attraction for me. There was no job posting or anything. I wrote them and said they needed me. I guess they agree… I’ll find out next week. I’ve said it before – I’ll say it again – we need way more emoticons – right now I need one that’s all mushy and gooey …. this will have to do (((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))  bugz ps.. get over and read about yourself in here if you haven’t already….."Invalid Entry"  Great job scarlett_o_h |
| No more sliding under the wire for a blue day, this entry will be chalked full of some happy moments and even more crap and whining. Ok.. so quit complaining – that, from these words on, is my job. Yah okay – so my day started off lovely as usual, sheesh. The sun was shining, I bounced out of bed ( just like SouthernDiva actually) and peeked out the window to see the water as still as glass. So I threw on my clothes, stuffed my pocket full of almonds, grabbed Darla and headed for a paddle.Absolutely gorgeous. There was a slight mist on the water farther off and I saw the school of fish again, and it was so hot, I stripped down to the bare minimum within 10 minutes. Life was perfect. My day from then on was great (for awhile) – I had some lovely conversations, chatted, texted, read blogs, revised my blogville news piece .. again…. and worked on an rewrite and started a new article and did my usual job hunting. Around 3pm, I couldn’t stand it anymore, as it was 20 degrees C (68f) so I HAD to get back outside. I took Darla out for a walk and it was fabulous. Then after dinner, I sat down and really focused on finishing up my article due the 25th. Seems like my best thoughts come only when it starts to get dark. That’s when I can really focus and work – don’t know why. So this piece is for a column I write on Career stuff for an online Magazine. I have been writing for her for about a year I guess. It was one of the first jobs I landed, and she's great to work with. Usually there is a theme for the issue, but this month, she just said it was a free for all, and to write whatever. Well that doesn’t work well for me. I like to have a certain direction or focus before I can start. There are too many ideas out there I guess and I just find myself all over the map unless I have been given some guidelines. But anyway, I hacked away and came up with something about looking for a new job - which I realized part way through, I am an expert in – except for one slight difference – I suck at getting work. Well now, I do anyway. Up until now, I have been able to change careers and have always had tremendous success. I have almost always landed any job I have tried for. I have owned my own business a few times, I have completely reinvented myself and have always been successful. Up until now. The more I researched for my article and the more I wrote I became painfully aware that I suck. I can write about crap and tell other people what to do, but am I doing what I write about??… NO. I talk about not getting discouraged – do I get discouraged ?? Double damn right I do. I talk about making your cover letters interesting and unique not generic – do I do that???… ummm no. I send out so many a day, I couldn’t care less anymore, as I know they won’t be read anyway so who gives a crap. I say, “If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always have.” It’s an old saying I’ve been carting around for years – but am I doing the same ole, same ole??. YUP!!! I look on the same online sites that are crap, I apply for the same crap jobs, I have the same crap cover letter. Once in awhile I get inspired and write a really unique one – but those don’t get me anywhere either. So yah.. I am discouraged. And I suck. I keep pushing my deadline to quit trying to make it as a writer – first it was June, then July, then September now it’s December. I’m in debt up to my ass, I don’t even own a car anymore. At what point do you give up your dream and face reality? At what point to you say to yourself, quit living in a fantasy and get your ass out there and get a real job? I just don’t know. Something deep, deep, deep inside keeps telling me this is what I am supposed to do. That there is nooo way I have come this far, to be stopped now. But tonight... I want to quit. I don't think I can handle any more rejection. I don’t see myself back at the bank, killing myself – but I am starting to wonder if I have any other choice at this point. Crap, I just don’t know what to do anymore. So there you have it. That’s my blog entry for today. See what I mean. It’s crap. Now don’t you wish you hadn’t bugged me to quit blog cheating? I could have just said something like.. heehee, It’s another blue day and been done with it. Instead you got to listen to me whine…. lucky you…..blahhhhhh. bugz |
A groovy guy friend sent this to me, (it's my horror-scope for today) and since I am super low on bloggy entries and still 8 more days to go until the awaited last day of the month, I am getting enthusiastically desperate here  .....so I am stealing this, so there. Strong Woman Empowering Feminine Energy So often in our world we tend to think of strength as a quality that arises from a place of firm determination and a will to succeed no matter the cost. Even though we might want to think of a strong woman as being defined in this way, what really makes a woman confident is her capacity for listening to her true self and being able to call upon her feminine wisdom to any situation that may arise. A woman does not need to step into an assertive role or act like a man in order to be effective at what she does—she simply needs to get in touch with her insight and sense of compassion to truly demonstrate the depth of her strength. Listening to the feminine side of ourselves may not seem easy at first for this type of energy is something that is often overlooked in many aspects of our everyday lives. If we can connect with this part of who we are, however, we will find that there is an unlimited wellspring of strength available to us. Our capacity to tap into our intuition and listen to our inner guides, to take into account the needs of those around us, and to view a situation with compassion and love are ways that we can show the world the true power that is part of our feminine nature. When we learn to integrate this source of strength into our daily tasks and decision-making, we will find that we can be more flexible and open to the things that happen around us and more receptive to new ideas. Not only will we see the world in a different light, but we will truly start to realize the potential for this form of energy to both empower ourselves and those around us. As we cultivate our feminine energy we can redefine the meaning of strength. By embracing our feminine power as something that is strong in its own right, we are able to use it with true assurance and determination and draw upon what truly belongs to us. * * * * * Yah... so this means you too boys - so get out those razors, roll up your sleeves, get to those dishes, allow that girl energy to flow and bring us gals a beer!! cheers.... bugz ps... okay that was way too short. So here's another gem for you. I received this email just now in response to an application I sent applying for an online writing gig....and I quote: "The idea is forming step by step ... and most issue I have not resolved yet .. I would like to have few columnist who will "trigger" emotional expression , mainly woman's life issues (who are in the medical filed ..) -; yes from erotica to ....whatever --> so 'responds' from other nurses will follow : If you wrote sensual story ..-they will replay (on line ) in they point of view {feedback/comments = active way -- and their own stories ..} - like a sort of a coach /mentor * Yes , the other version of on line mag is dedicated to erotica .(different)- in the same format ; a show case of erotica and sensuality in art format !" Ummm yah.. right okay then. Someone bring me a gun - I feel my boy energy coming on strong!!!  |
| That is the extent of my thoughts at the moment. I finished my article on you all and so now I am officially braindead. As usual the insignificant offers of payment did not manage to keep many of you out of it.. so there. It's chilly here now, and the rain drizzled all weekend. But that didn't stop me from getting out into the fall splendour and being grateful for all the wonders of life.I did have these thoughts earlier today when out hiking. The drifting aroma of the fire warmed my nose, My eyes smiled seeing the endless beauty around. Leaves spoke to me under my feet and whispered close, Of longer nights spent cozy with sweet dreams abound. The air crackled with the call of the cormorants, Announcing their return home they flew around free. Their sounds competed with the chilled waves as they danced, On the rocks, playful and wild, as I strive to be. It's the time to celebrate the joy of rainbows, And praise nature as she readies herself to sleep. Crawling under warm blankets to defrost cold toes, The heat's not going on, because I'm too damn cheap. brrrrr... keep warm folks cheers bugz |
| Watched a movie, then was thinking of going to bed early (ish) when all of a sudden I just realized that I forgot to blog! I was writing my blogville news article, so I guess because my head was in blogville all night, somehow I thought I had written mine already. And was going to skip but with only 10 more days to making my third blue month in a row.... I couldn't do it. But I don't have much to say...except I am still taking bribes to keep your names out this month... seriously! I don't know why you guys don't take me up on that offer...I can use the money really! Maybe that will be more lucrative than actually trying to write real crap. I got a job offer yesterday that paid $5 for 500 words.. wahoo...no more no name macaroni and cheese for this family, we are graduating to real stuff now -- Kraft!! But still had a great day - went for a fabulous 2 hour hike with Darla who is whacked out right beside me as I write this. She got deservedly filthy so I had to wash her in the marina's laundry room because there was NO way she was coming in to my house like that. Dev was at work, so I got to win at my own stereo wars - Sting is still in the lead. And I saw the most spectacular double rainbow. I have 2 pics but they are stuck in my camera phone, so when I figure out how to get them out, I'll post them. That's it... not quite a blog-cheat, but close. I think writing about you guys for hours, leaves me off the hook. So more tomorrow. Going to watch the salmon run, if we don't get completely swamped with rain. cheers... have a great sunday! bugzy |
| Ok you guys suck at hide'n'seek really! I think ljkam and are still counting  Michael Wonch fell in the water trying to plug what he thought was my snorkel but which in fact turned out to be an otter Ski -ster tried to run me over on his way to work this morning SouthernDiva didn't even try to look but ran off hiding herself (copycat)  Deelyte- Chillin' even with a gps couldn't find her way out of 400sq ft paper bag, so she was no good  Mrs. Whatsit decided to have a bologna orgy with Darla  welkerdeb got traumatized and ran off crying  sorry deb really... hope you're ok now scarlett_o_h gave up and went back to bed  hdelphyne I think was nibbling on some hash brownies, because she was looking for me up in the stars  fleckgirl is behind the times and thought I was out picking carrots. I think if I see another carrot, I will be Grifter just used the 'looking-for-me' as an excuse to go bar hoping!  Anyea got upset and sent Debi Wharton looking for me.... so she officially took on this duty ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** galinago wanted the prize and then had the audacity to want to steal the whole game for his own gain and prosperity. Lawyers.... shessh  *Barbara Maria* was the ONLY one who guessed.....The Pumpkin Patch.  Great minds think alike eh Barb??GPs on their way as soon as my advance comes in for selling an organ so I can afford to buy some more. Man this place is getting pricely. So yah....I was hanging out with Willis all day - isn't he a cutie! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Pumpkins are my latest addiction and I really would have thought you guys would have clued into that. Must be all those games of tag that got you all winded and your brains cluttered. So here are my 8 reasons why Willis is my new main squeeze: He glows in the dark His seeds are damn tasty He lets me do ALL the talking He makes a super yummy pie He doesn't create any dirty laundry If I don't like his face, I can carve a new one He doesn't require any attention if I don't feel like giving him any He doubles as a night light, so we don't fall off the edge of the dock So here's hoping your pumpkin patch days are as fun as mine Yahoooooooo  cheerios bugzy |
| I'm hiding... come find me |
| I was truly inspired and encouraged and received such an unbelievable amount of love and support yesterday, so I decided to dig a little deeper today as sort of a continuation. So hold on, this might be tough 9 – I have an incurable addiction to ranch sauce – I’ll eat salad everyday just so I can have it 10 – I pick off the pepperoni from pizza, but I secretly leave little bits because it tastes so delicious! 11 – I once stole (okay way more than once) bubble gum from the local IGA grocery store when I was in grade one. I told my dad when I was about 30 years old and he got really mad. Nobody told him the statute of limitations for bubble gum stealing was over like when I was 7!! 12 – I double dip… like ALL the time 13 – Just before I was married and everyone was into doing mushrooms, nobody would let me do any, because they said I would die from laughing too hard. All my husband-to-be’s friends use to ask, “What is she on, man cause she is a hoot and I want what she’s doing!!” ……….”Just life,” he’d say… 14 – One time about 5 or 6 years ago, when I was into internet dating, my son hacked into the site and set up a fake profile of my total dream man. Ohhhhhhh wowza… he was AWESOME!! My son kept up the ruse for about 4 hours but when he just starting killing himself laughing and just wouldn’t stop I finally figured out that “Mr-to-good-to-be-true” was in fact, just that….. grrrrrr…..my own son….. 15 – About 8 years ago I used to hang out at a friend’s farm and help out, mostly on weekends. One day they got a trampoline. I used to love trampolines, so I was really excited. I hopped on that baby and jumped to my heart’s content. All the kids were watching (5) and cheering me on. Well.. ahem… any gal that has had a couple of kids, knows that things aren’t quite like they were before childbirth, so ummm yah. I had a leetle accident… the kids were cracking up!! I was too and of course the more I laughed the more… umm… yah I piddled but I just kept on jumping. I have never been able to live that down with those folks. They still bring up it pretty much every time we get together. It was a defining moment! 16 – I have this urgent, inexplicable craving for pumpkin roll and have had since last night. Thanks folks. Are we done now? Oh not quite you say????… You want more???…..okay… here’s one more…. 17 – I love to write crap poetry. So this is as a result of a classic poetry challenge by our friend alfred booth, wanbli ska of writing a hexadodad poem of a bunch of different nonsensical rhyming sequencing things :pumpkins what sins painted on men's asses cures ails of the masses for surely he's a dream come true and I hear he does dishes too he loves guppies and sweet puppies puts the toilet seat down he never has a frown yes dreams come true I'll share with you heehee which was based not so loosely on *Barbara Maria* s bloggy "Invalid Entry" from yesterday. And I won the prize * happy dance *My heart sings as we create the space to allow each of us to go deep.. … and I am thinking of going pretty damn deep with Mr Pumpkin Butt there. Yessirreee You guys really are the greatest Sigh bugzy |
| welkerdeb asked us to post our biggest fear - I had one and now I have two - One is that really I am a phony. I am a pleaser and I only show the part of me that I think people will like. Today I let it all out, so now I am afraid that you won't like me after you read my blog today. But that's the real me. Take it or leave it. |
| I have childhood trauma from playing tag okay?? But since SouthernDiva who TAGGED me, kinda made up for it by sending me a pic of a HOT GUY who was BUTT nakkid!! I will play her dumb ass game, under great protest… I know I can be such a party pooper! Sheesh okay here goes… Eight things....hey, what were the rules again? That you don’t know about me, or don’t wanna know about me?? Or you wanna know about me? Or I want you to know about me? Or I don’t want you to know about me? Where are the damn rules?? Grr I don’t have time to do more research. I have researched up to my ass today, so take this or leave it (why do I sound like I am in a pissy mood? Oh yah.. CAUSE I AM! From playing frikkin TAG!) Home free! There did that get me out of it?? Okay no.. alright, alright.. here goes… 1 – I am a girl hmmmm okay that was too easy 1 – I am a feisty girl Okay… well you all knew that already. Ahem 1 – I am a feisty girl who loves carrots. Okay I SUCK at this….waaaaaaa 1 – I am a feisty girl who loves carrots but LOVES boys way more!!! Damn… I have a one track mind.. okay for real now… okay here goes… deep breath…. 1 – When I was 13 years old my family moved to San Salvador. We lived there for 3 years. Those were the happiest years of my childhood. I felt completely at home there. I fell in love with the culture, I was thrown into an all-girl’s catholic school speaking no Spanish. I had a lot of fabulous friends, we were well off financially, we belonged to a country club and I played golf and tennis and swam and discovered very cute latin boys. The culture there is so warm and open and loving I felt that I belonged there. I had my first real boy kiss, complete with a tongue and I just about puked. I was so disgusted I couldn’t look at him ever again! Shortly after that, we were forced to leave due a civil war and I was devastated. I left a huge piece of my heart there and I still miss it, even now. Looking back, that was the start of my learning into acceptance, tolerance, understanding and compassion. I suffered a fairly huge culture shock coming back to Canada – seeing the waste and opulence and total lack knowledge here about real poverty and suffering and it took me years to reassimilate. 2 – I worshipped my father for most of my childhood. I was scared shitless of him until I was about 35 but when I was young, even though he frightened me, I thought he was God. There are great huge gaps in my memory, so it’s hard to describe sometimes. I knew I was a young girl who desperately wanted his attention. I remember some fun times when I was little: at the swimming pool, competing, hanging around when he taught swimming, watching him work, wanting to be with him. I remember him standing at the bottom of the stairs when it was time for bed, and dreading having to walk by him because it meant getting smacked. I hated those stairs. He wasn’t home much really. Things were okay for the middle years, I sort of stayed out of his way. When we came home from Salvador, things got really bad. No point going into it, but it was rough. I left home when I was 17 and we didn’t speak for a few years here and there. When I was about 35, I wrote him a letter. I couldn’t take it anymore and let him have it. I was pretty blunt and laid down the rules. I said he could no longer call me names, like whore or slut or bitch, he could no longer ask about my sex life, he could no longer say inappropriate comments like, “If I wasn’t your father I’d get into your pants,” he would not be allowed to call me when he was drunk and come on to me. He took it hard to his credit. We had a long talk the day he got that letter. I decided that day to forgive him. It wasn’t all peachy from then on, but a huge part of me healed that day and that was what was important. He tried a few times to throw it back at me, as a joke I guess, but I stopped him. One day he wanted to sneak a smoke and told me to come outside with him. He was feeling reflective I guess and said to me, “Come on bugzy, I wasn’t that bad a father was I?” I didn’t let him have that moment which I could have. I said, “Don’t even try Dad, you were an ass and you know it.” We laughed. But he knew. He knew and then everything was alright. Most of my friends have never understood how I forgave him. I wish they did. He died 3 years ago. He died with my forgiveness and he died knowing I loved him. And I know he loved me. 3 – I married when I was 22. I didn’t like him. He was a bully and talked down to me. He would make rude comments and denigrate women. He called me an ice queen to his friends. He beat the crap out of our dog and I was too afraid of him to do anything about it. He was abusive, violent, used drugs and drank and was a sexual deviant. When I became pregnant by accident I cried for days. I knew the relationship was wrong but I was too much of a coward to leave. It took me over a year from the time I decided to leave until the time I finally left. I was 29. That was the year I was reborn. That was the year I started on what I call my journey. That is when I started to question the answers and look beyond. That was the year I became free. I became a vegetarian, I decided to live on the outskirts. I was living in what Zen refers to as, “Beginner’s Mind.” 4 – That was also the year that I had an abortion. I have never, ever, ever, ever, told anyone.... up until now...., except one girlfriend who picked me up from the hospital, because they would not release me alone. I had left my husband and one month later, realized I was pregnant. I knew that if I told him, I would never be free from him. I knew that we would have to get back together. And I knew that would kill me. I have lived with the guilt of that decision since then. I have never told him and I never will. It was the most selfish act I have even committed. It was completely about me. It was the first thing I ever did in my life completely based on me and me alone. I did not consider anyone else at all. Not even for a moment. I took 2 days off work and that was it. In the recovery room, I cried like I had killed a part of myself. I do not think of it, and tonight is honestly the first time I have thought about it in as long as I can remember. 5 - When I was 32 years old, I decided I had to have another child. I was in a relationship, but it was going nowhere. I didn’t care. Then I had second thoughts and decided to quit trying. But I got pregnant anyway, and I didn’t find out until after we split up. Wow. I just realized the correlation here – wow. I knew I would keep this baby and raise it alone. Which I did. Devann has been the love of my life every since. In some strange way, I feel like she was the baby that I did not keep earlier. I felt she was her, just born a few years later when I was ready. We have shared a deep connection that I feel goes way beyond and deeper than a regular mother and daughter relationship. Perhaps all mothers feel that way, but for me it is undeniable. She has carried me along on days where I surely would not have made it. And she doesn’t even know it. 6 - When my son Drew was 11 he went to live with his Dad. That was singularly the most devastating experience of my life. His Dad and I had been split up for 7 years. We tolerated each other but that was about it. His Dad was almost like a vulture waiting to make his move. He bribed Drew constantly with all the things and lifestyle differences, which to a young boy were too tempting. I did not have a TV, we did not eat meat or go to McDonalds, he was homeschooled, we did not have much money at the time, we didn’t do nintendo or game boy – I was evil! Drew was struggling and he rebelled. A lot. Looking back I should have seen the signs, but I was still in that, “I know better” time in my life and still thought enforcing my beliefs on my kids was the ‘right’ thing to do. I remember sitting in the waiting room at the mechanic’s shop and finally just saying that he could go live with his Dad that I couldn’t do any more. I called his Dad that day and he came and picked him up. I completely lost it. I cried for weeks, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I just sat on the couch in a daze. I was completely numb. I had failed as a mother, I was a coward, I was incapable of seeing my way out. About 2 months later, I went on a women’s retreat weekend. I had a breakdown there. I was with 25 women. I lost it. I stood before the group and told my story. All I can say, is the love and acceptance and thoughts that they shared with me, completely changed me that day. Many stood up and called me the most courageous woman they had ever met. I didn’t see or accept that at first, but by the time everyone in the whole room stood up and said the same thing, I allowed it to sink in. One woman said, that Drew must have know how much I loved him and how secure he was in that love, otherwise he never would have been able to leave. That experience probably saved my life. 7 – When my sister was in the hospital and things were looking very grim I had a meeting with the doctor. He gave me some choices about her continuing care. He said they could medicate more and bring her blood pressure up, which had been rapidly dropping. He talked about additional treatments, requiring IVs and drugs. Or he could prescribe tranquilizers as needed or directly by me. He didn’t say anymore, but I knew what it meant. I didn’t even hesitate. I didn’t even give it more than 1 minute in thought. I knew in my heart what she wanted me to do, I didn’t even have to ask any more questions. I said, give her the tranquilizer. He did. She had a very rough night that last night and part way through the nurse asked me what to do. I said give her another one. Within a few hours she died. There is a very small part of me, even now as I write this with tears, that thinks I killed her. But I couldn’t watch her suffer anymore. I knew it was time and I wanted to allow her to keep what was left of her dignity. I could not stand another day of people coming into her sacred room that we had lived with such joy for so long, crying and carrying on. So that was it. 8 – I am a deeply sensitive and passionate woman. I have denied parts of myself numerous times in my life. I have used sex to find love, I have been used, I have been taken advantage of sexually and I have had moments of great confusion, lots of time without even being aware of it. I love fast, I love hard and I love deep. If I declare my love for you, you have it forever, no matter what. You can do anything to me, and I will never stop loving you. I have had too many lovers to mention and at times I am ashamed of that. I have thought a few times in my life that he was the ‘one’ and thought of forever after. I have recently declared myself a ‘not-forever-after’ woman and I can say that pretty clearly. I am a cynic about love and marriage and all that crap. But somewhere deep, deep, deep down I am still a believer of true love. I still dream sometimes of growing old with someone who can understand me, tolerate me, accept me, and just love me. I am still hoping for the one, but if you ever mention it to me, I will deny, deny, deny. Wow.. …I have no idea where all that came from. Sorry. Wow…okay. Ummm well that’s it. More than you ever wanted to know and more than I ever should have shared, but there you go. I think I better go now. bugzy ps. Sorry not tagging anyone else – this was too much for me as it was. |
| Grrrrrr... I have like a zillion tabs open right now, researching for an article I am writing and I just wanted to make this quick - so I didn't type it in word first damn it, I closed the tab.... ohhhh that makes me cuckoo!!!! I was almost done, just putting in an image... damn. Crap Ok well it sucked anyway - Darla was bugging me cause she is all hyped about some date with a French-American dog and I think all the animals around here are trying to take over blogville, and after just losing my entry - I am thinking it is indeed a conspiracy. So forget whatever drivel I said earlier. But I will type this part out again, because I don't want to just go without thanks a couple of folks for my new siggies.... Eagle~The Cowboy's Wife gifted me this little cutie ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** and GabriellaR45 gifted me this one.. heehee... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** And not sure why, but SouthernDiva decided to throw a banana pie in my face today - which tasted yummy but the whipped cream went straight to my ass.. .so I really think she doesn't like me... ok.. so forget it, just pass on by, I have no energy to type anything else. I have 5 articles to write this month (and some crap piece for the blogville news - dont worrry scarlett - I have not forgotten, although maybe I will have the wiseass Darla write it this month) and my deadlines are looming because I am the procrastination queen. So back to work I go... cheers bugz ps... oh oh oh oh oh... I just got a job offer for a magazine......wahooo... only problem? THEY DON'T PAY... THEY SUCK!!! I AM SOOO TIRED OF PEOPLE WANTING ME TO WRITE CRAP FOR FREE!! ok sorry. I am better now... grrr though.. the nerve! |
| I overheard my mom blogging to galinago and she told him to make his dog write his blog cause it would be more interesting than his usual crap so that gave me the idea to hijack my mom's blog tonight to tell you a story and make sure it was told right this time. I love my moms (I have two - aren't I lucky? Well bugzy is really my grandma but she gets all mad when she is called that). Devann is a great mom - she lets me sleep in reallllly late, she sneaks me food all the time in her loft and NEVER tortures me with a hairbrush or baths me or any of that crap that my other mom does to me. Now bugzy, well she's great too, well okay ...used to be great too, until today. See I LOVE canoeing... when she gets that canoe tipped over and slides it into the water, I only make her chase me for like 2 minutes before I let her catch me and put me in there...(she's not too swift so she doesn't get the 'hard-to-get" game I am playing with her.) Usually I make her chase me for waaaaay longer if she wants to catch me for something - like bathtime But canoe time - yahoo!!! Wellll except now that I have to wear that ridiculous life jacket that is covered in boy germs... peeeuuuuuuu... and a hand me down at that!! I am a Bichon Friese for crying out - we don't DO hand me downs. But today I jumped right into the canoe without her even having to put me in. We had sooo much fun yesterday, I thought I would just forget the whole chase me game and thought, “Let’s just get out there!” It was lots of fun, mom always brings almonds. Sometimes I have to really dig in her pocket to remind her to give some to me cause she gets distracted with those big long wooden things that I’ve heard her tell people that she wants me to use… ummmm. Yah right.. No. But when I bug her she will pull out an almond and give it to me. I LOVE almonds – but I play a new trick or her now and I pretend not to like them whole. If she gives me a whole one, I just spit it out. Makes her mad I can tell… cause she says my name with quite a tone, I’ll tell yah. But she picks it up, bites in half and gives it to me again… heehee.. Wonder how long I can trick her with this one before she gets fed up and quits? For a smart mom, she can sure be gullible sometimes! Anyway, it was a super fun ride today, I got to watch the otters and the blue heron AND I saw a seal for the first time in my life! He looks like fun, wonder if he will come and play on our dock and poop like the otters used to do all the time. Man I miss those guys – wish they would come back. Although listening to mom swear all the time when she had to power wash their poop, wasn’t’ so much fun. Well we had a long paddle cause the tide was high and it was sunny and hot. But then on the way back home, my mom saw this big blue barrel thingy stuck in the reeds beside the island and she decided to go rescue it. And if you know my mom, she is like Ms Environmental, which kinda drives me nuts as I NEVER get to eat good people food like steak or bacon at her house –ooohhhh not like my other grandma… yummm I LOVE HER! She makes the best food! Friday I had sausage AND bacon!! But anyway so I see the look on her face and I just know, this is going to be trouble. She paddles over to this barrel thingy and then ties it up to the rope on the back of the canoe. So far so good. But then she tries to paddle away, and the barrel keeps getting stuck on stuff and we don’t go very far. She keeps talking to me, like I care or something and laughing – but I do like it when she laughs – she keeps moving the canoe around and laughing and saying stuff like, “Well Darla, this is not working too well, grab a paddle and help me!” Yah right… like I would ever do that! Then she tries a different tactic and pulls up right beside the barrel and tries to grab it with her hand and then the next thing you know…. WATER is pouring INSIDE the canoe!! Ummm I always thought the WATER was supposed to stay OUTSIDE of the canoe. Well mom is laughing so hard, she is not paying ANY attention to me and I fall right in the water. And I know God was watching and was going to make her pay for that, because the next thing you know, she is tipped right out too and then she tripped and landed right on her ass in the water!! Well damn!! It was cold… I was just swimming like a crazy dog, when I felt her pick me up by the back of my lifejacket – which I decided I love now btw – and she walked me over to the island and dumped me on land!! I ran around like crazy, shaking that cold water off me and barking my protests!! I noticed she grabbed her shoe next which I couldn't believe she cared about. But her shoe didn’t have a lifejacket on, so I guess that was only fair. So I just ran up and down the island trying to shake the damn lifejacket off. She tried about 10 times to get the water out of the canoe, but she just kept filling it back up again. Seemed like a waste of time to me and I was just getting colder and colder by the second. And before that, out of the blue her damn cellphone decided to call someone – I guess it knew we needed reinforcements. Well that just made my mom laugh even louder as she dug in her other pocket ( from the one that now held the WET almonds… bleckkk) and I know she was happy she put it in a ziploc baggie this time – cause I guess it still worked, cause then she decided to text somebody… as I WAS running AROUND FREEEZING MY ASS OFF STILL!! Gawed she has some new addiction to that thing that is driving me NUTs!! Finally she gets most of the water out, but not all of it and I can tell she wants me to go back into the canoe but I am having NONE of that I’ll tell yah – so I make her chase me around the island for a few minutes, but then I take mercy cause I can see she is starting to shiver too – she is realllllly soaked! So she puts me back in although I HATE standing in water… makes my fur go all funny, and puffy and makes me look FAT and we head off again. She did get smarter and had the barrel all set up so she could tow it but…. Man it was sooooooooooo heavy it took like 20 minutes to go like 20 yards! Well we got to the guy’s house who mom thought had lost the barrel. Personally I don’t think he was too happy to have it back. It wasn’t in great shape and he was probably happy that it has got loose. But mom said here you go buddy, you gotta have it back now! So she tied it up to his dock – I thought for sure we were gunna go in again there a few times. She did get the canoe stuck under some ropes and he had to push us off, which almost made us fall in again. That was pretty intense – but I did get to see his cat who I have a crush on, so that wasn’t a total waste. So we paddled to our house and another neighbour came out and of course mom had to tell him what happened and he got to laugh too – but I notice he didn’t come to help mom get the canoe out, which was pretty hard to do I think, based on those swear words I heard again a few times. But the worse part was I had to have a bath AGAIN! I just had one two days ago at my Grandmas, so I was pretty pissed about that. And mom had to have one too – boy she takes long ones though. Don’t know why, I want them over super quick – but not her. No way, she takes forever and sings in there, drives me nuts! Anyway.. that’s my story. Too bad I don’t know how to use a camera, you guys would have loved to have seen her all wet trying to empty that canoe – she looked pretty funny to me. But you guys gotta talk to her – this saving the barrel thing, I am thinking it was a pretty dumb idea, so don’t let her do that again okay? Okay.. I better go before she comes back. Last I saw her she was looking for my hairbrush, so I better go upstairs and hide. If you want to know any more dumb things like this that she does, just ask, she does them all the time, I got quite a list going. See yah Darla |
| Nope.. this is a figment of your imagination. I in fact did not blog at my usual time and you wanna know why? Because my day was too nice and I said to myself, I can't possibly blog about having another gorgeous day. How weird is that? It's like when there is crap to say, you can't shut me up. But when life is just nice and calm and lovely, I feel almost guilty. I forced myself to write this because I had mentioned a month or so back that I used to sabotage myself when things were going well, and I was going to be on the look out for that. So yup - had a great day -Nothing earthshattering happened, no novel acceptance or fabulous job offer or cute boy paddling up to my house... but it was 18degrees, Darla and I hiked, we canoed, laid out on the dock in the sun, getting a tan and blaring Sting and yup.. all was right in my world yesterday. Hope it is with yours... I'll be back to my regularly blogging schedule tonight. cheers bugz |
| I am not a huge fan of morning radio shows. I think they tend to be a bit forced and they always have to have these over- the-top laugh tracks and sometimes they play ridiculous jokes on people. But there is a Vancouver station that I listen to sometimes if I happen to be in the car in the morning and it can be pretty hilarious. Well today the gang had a guest on the show who speaks to groups about relationship stuff and he has written a book I think and is a comedian. So his shtick today was how to help women deal with men who use cheesy pick up lines, and what to do about it. So he did some role playing with the gals on the show, pretending to come up to her and use a pretty lame line like ,"Do you have a map, because I keep getting lost in your eyes?" Well of course when he asked her what was her immediate reaction, it was a big groan and a sigh and how am I going to get rid of this loser?? His whole premise was that guys are sooo nervous to go talk to a girl that their first attempt at a pick up line, should not be the entire basis for a yeh or ney. He asked all women who were going out this weekend to be a little more forgiving and give the poor guy the benefit of the doubt.... that at least he's trying to make a connection. He said the first line is sometimes all they got and instead of reacting with, "Ohhhhhhh LOSER!! Your line SUCKS. Go away!!", we should at least be nicer to them in general and see if after a few minutes the poor dude doesnt recover and you find out he is a real gem!! He also said that all women have is their physicalness to try and draw in the poor, nervous suitor. We've got our face and our boobs... and you don't see a guy saying, "Ohhhhhhhh LOSER!! Your 'b' cup SUCKS. Go away!!" Nope you wouldn't see that happening. So I am passing on the advice tonight for those chics skulking around waiting to get that cheesy line or the poor brave soul willing to give it a shot.. hopefully they listened to today's radio show or read this entry! Ok.. let me hear the best lines you've heard or the best you've used that were successful .... OHHH and I forgot to mention this the other day... in the same show a few days earlier they were talking about a survey - and here is the sound bite .....people over the age of 50 are very likely to have sex on the first date. And people under 30 are not So my question.... I am now 47... do I have sex on the first date or not?? Ahhhh... questions, questions, questions... and never enough answers! cheers bugz |
| First, thank you to all who commented in yesterday’s blog entry. Your ideas and thoughts brought me to another level again, and that is always welcome. I was very busy working today, so I did not have a chance to really work through some thoughts I had, but I’m going to try. Regarding women’s roles versus men’s, I think it really does come right down to an individual level and what works for each person. We are all different and want and expect different things and so whether you want chivalry, or kindness, or even financial support, that is an individual choice. There is a funny scene in the movie, “The Break-Up” where the gal gets annoyed because after a dinner party, the man immediately plunks himself down in front of the TV. She wants to get the dishes done and he wants to chill. She doesn’t want to walk up to a dirty house and so she starts in on him. He finally relents and says he will ‘help,’ but that is not good enough for her. She doesn’t want him to agree to help begrudgingly, she wants him to want to do it! Isn’t that so typical in so many other circumstances? We want those around us to ‘want’ to do what we consider the ‘right’ thing, not because we guilt or nag them into it, but because they really want to do it. So, I don’t want a man who opens a car door for me, because he feels he has to because it is expected of him, but that he does it because he wants to. This is just one simple example – but it can be applied to innumerable situations. It is a shame, but some people have a difficult time accepting kindness and speaking from experience of someone who grew up with discord, sometimes that is the familiar and easier to accept. Makes me sad, but I strive to let that go and feel worthy of shifting that and being better than ok with a calm life and not look for the chaos. We are all complicated. I know that I come across as unclear at the best of times. I think, personally, it is and has been and will continue to be difficult for my partner to understand me, as there is so much of myself that I do not understand. I change my mind on what I want and what I am looking for constantly. How can anyone keep up with that? Thea told me the right man will know. I hope so, that would be nice. Because contrary to all the women libbers out there, both windsofchange and I declared yesterday in writing, that we are both tired. And we are ok with slowing down, letting go and allowing someone else to step up and take over for awhile. That will be just fine, until that person tries to tell me what to do ...see what I mean?? I truly believe that the universe manifests when we put our thoughts out there clearly and with clear intentions. Innanna sent me a quote from The Alchemist, “When we are specific in what we want, the universe conspires to make it happen” But how can things happen if the messages are so mixed up??? Gotta get clear….anyone got some Windex? ( environmentally friendly that is) Another thing I was thinking about today is I believe that every situation that we chose to stay in has a benefit. Even if we complain constantly and whine and protest about all the negativity, I believe that we are still gaining something of value, which makes or allows us to ‘stay.’ I have been in abusive relationships and this is tough to admit, but I can see know that even in such a perceived negative environment, I still was benefiting. Perhaps it was the security, or the ‘better the devil you know than the devil you don’t’ syndrome, or it was just easier, or it was for the kids, or family or whatever .. it doesn’t matter. I challenge you to look at something in your life that you perceive is not working, yet you do not change. You are probably gaining something. Maybe it is a negative benefit, like getting to prove to yourself that you are not worthy of anything better… but it’s still a benefit. Tough to look at. Even tougher to change. And you may indeed once you see the benefit, shift your thoughts and allow yourself to be ok, even if you thought it was not the ideal situation. If you can see that it’s not all bad, maybe you can be happy. Or get the hell out!! I have done this in many areas of my life. And look at me now!! Still totally screwed up, but loving life!! Wahoo… it just keeps on getting better and better. Cheers bugz ps.. today this section is a plug… I am a judge for Ski -ster ’s contest
There are only 4 entries and you can’t tell me you don’t have addictions – it doesn’t have to be something super dramatic – my latest addiction is listening to the song, “Whenever I say your name” by Sting. I think I listened to it for 13 hours straight today!! If that’s not an addiction, I don’t know what is!! But I can’t enter, so come on folks, bring on your stuff! |
| This entry is prompted by the one I read earlier today."Invalid Entry" posted by plafleur He asks the question if chivalry is indeed dead. It really made me think I had many thoughts during the day, but somehow I think this entry has come out a bit kuffufled – so bear with me. I also remembered an entry awhile back by Grifter "Invalid Entry" where he mentioned that women went to work in the factories during WWII due to the lack of male workers who had gone to war – and that they ended up liking it! That was probably the beginning in a shift of our roles. (he also mentions the start of gals liking sex more - but you can read it for yourself ..it's a good one)The woman’s rights issue began really pushing the envelope during the 60s. Equality was demanded, including fair wages, the right to vote, to work, to education, own property, sign legal documents, and to have marital, parental and religious rights. I agree with the progress we have made. I believe strongly that there are many things that some women can do, as well, or even better than some men. I think we have come a long way in ensuring women are treated more fairly in the workplace. Although, there are still fields where woman are not welcomed. I had a girlfriend who worked for Hydro as an installer which, required her to be in the field climbing up poles – she was continuously harassed by her male co-workers. She finally quit. However, to be honest, I feel that there are certain places that a woman is probably not the best candidate. My ex-husband was a prison guard for a few years and he sometimes was partnered with a woman. It was an all male prison and when you’re a guard, your life is on the line a lot. Sometimes you are put into a really dangerous and even physical situations where a wrong move could kill you. Sorry, but I had to agree with my ex – that he didn’t want a 90 pound woman as his partner if he had to take down a couple of 250 pound, pissed off inmates. At the bank, I did very well for a) having limited education and b) for being a woman. I didn’t encounter any discrimination that I remember. I know it was difficult for my ex to handle that I made way more money and was in a higher position than he was. I definitely think that played a role in the demise of our marriage. I have met many men who have been intimated by my so-called “power.” Just a few weeks ago I went on a date with a guy, who said I was too powerful for him. That freaked me out for awhile and I wondered how that was so evident within such a short period of time. But for me I guess I got tough young and in some ways, I have remained tough. But regardless of how I may think sometimes or my work ethics, I still have a very loud and clear feminine side. I can put on coveralls and muck out the chicken barn for 6 hours straight, but I can also get all waxed and make-uped and dressed up and can head out looking quite glam. And I think that is okay. I think there is a time and place for tough and hard just as there is for soft and pretty. So if it is okay for me, and other women, to be like that, then wouldn’t that go the same for men? Wouldn’t it be okay for them to be tough and hard as nails, yet also then turn around and be sweet and nice and let their softer side out? I think there is a need to balance both the masculine and feminine in all of us. I don’t think it matters which physical body we inhabit – we still have capacity to be tough and soft. My sister for instance, is gay and has always been a tough cookie. She is very chivalrous and her partner is quite the doll. I think this same idea I am speaking about can apply to same sex couples – but that could be a whole blog entry in itself, so for now, I will just talk to male/female partnerships. There are inherent traits for the male species to be the hunters and protectors and for the females to be the gatherers and nurturers. As the sexual and woman’s rights revolutions have evolved, our roles have become a bit mixed up. As woman are becoming more and more the providers, and therefore more tough or even dominant, that has made some women feel that they don’t ‘need’ men to take care of them. They get angry when a man steps forward to help a woman. They see it as some kind of judgment that they are not capable of taking care of themselves. In a way, I feel sorry for men as I see that their roles are no longer so definable. And it can be so damn confusing! Women, have adapted a bit easier in a way. We have kept the inherent responsibilities we had before, and we have taken on the previous roles of the men. The proverbial "super-woman" was born. But somehow in all that equality and role reversals, there has been a shift and I am not sure it if all is for the better. I like to nurture. I am good at it. I like to take care, cook meals, bring tea, and spoil my partner with small acts of affection, that is how I show love and caring. I can bring home the money too (ok well not so well right now ) but I want to also be the feminine one in the relationship. And as far as my partner, I still want the man to be chivalrous – to treat me with respect and kindness, to hold my door open, open the bottle of wine or the pickle jar, walk on the outside of the sidewalk, reach a hand out to me if I am going down stairs or out of a car. It is sweet and kind and yet still it is ‘manly’. It’s also ok that he cries during a sappy movie, or when a pet dies, or just gets mushy for no reason. It just keeps coming down to balance. Balance for both men and women to acknowledge both sides of their selves, yet still allowing women to be women and men to be men in the basic sense. I think we are doing ourselves a disservice by thinking that women can ‘do it all’ alone. A song is running through my head right now. It’s a Jack Johnson tune and one of the lines is, “We’re better when we’re together.” I think that is very true. Well I think I went off topic a bit – not sure if this ended up making sense or not. Go check out plafleur blog today – he said he is going to post a topic that I think will be interesting – something about women stepping up to the plate and demanding that men act more like men. Hmmmm.. I am liking that. We’ll see if it makes more sense than mine… and see where these thoughts lead. Perhaps we will solve the whole problem, right here and now. And you were here to read it first!! Cheers bugz ps. Oh, and I received flowers today... sigh... how lovely, and even if they were from Devann, it still counts. I guess chivalry even in 15 year old girls exists as well. pss And thanks to my sweetie likenion for this… what a scream! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I was raised by an atheist father. Apparently he wasn't always a proclaimed atheist. My Mom says they were Anglican and my oldest sister was baptized. But I guess by the time I came along, Dad had given up any religion. I remember sitting around the table, during one of his 'story times' while he went off about the bible and how it was just a book written by some guy and it was all hog wash. I was little, why wouldn't I believe him? Ironically I spent 4 years in different Catholic Girl's schools, but somehow I guess that was okay for an atheist's kid. Then I was married to a catholic, in a catholic church because I didn't have any preference at all, I did need a letter from my Mom though, saying I wasn't baptized - that seemed a little odd to me. So I used to go occasionally to church with my in-laws, it was okay, pretty boring most times, but I didn't mind going. When I split up with my husband that was the last catholic church I ever went to. I stumbled along for a long time, not believing in God, not disbelieving either. Somehow, although I cannot remember how it happened or by whose influence, I started to explore other thoughts and religious ideas. I read a lot. It was around the time of my divorce I guess when I was 30 when I started to question a lot of things. I became a vegetarian and looked into homeschooling, gave up TV - I adopted all sorts of 'odd' ideas. I think what happened, was once I questioned one 'normal' thing, all other things just came under scrutiny. Things that I, or others, did just “because,” I started to wonder why. I began what I can only refer to as my spiritual quest. I wanted to find something to believe in, but no traditional religion really called to me. Over the years, I have been to different churches, and read up on different faiths. I started attending a Unity Church when I lived in Toronto. I loved it there. The minister had a long grey pony tail, was 'cool' and every time I went, I felt he spoke to 'me.' He quoted a passage from the bible, but then he related the lesson to real life, with real life examples and I always left feeling inspired to be a little bit better, and feeling a little bit wiser and stronger. I miss that church a lot. But during my time when I went there and the years surrounding, I found myself believing quite strongly about a few things. I believed in a higher power – that is the only term I could feel comfortable saying. I found myself leaning towards teaching of Zen and Buddha but without embracing all the terminology or deities. I belonged to a strong spiritual community for a few years. We used to meet and have ceremonies. I had a small group of women, who used to meet for women’s circle. We chanted, and ‘prayed’ for lack of a better word. We shared and spewed and supported one another. We went to seminars, we ran seminars, we learned tough lessons and were always striving to better ourselves and our world. It was a powerful time for me. I felt a very strong sense of connection and internal peace. Some of the life lessons or ideas, I still live by * We create, promote or allow everything that happens to us * The universe rewards action * We are not islands – we are not alone, everything we do affects others * Everything happens for a reason * If you cannot change the action, you can still change your own reaction * You cannot make anyone do anything, you can only be responsible for yourself * People cannot hurt you, only you can allow the hurt It was a lovely time. I remember taking my children to seminars and they were just like angels. I did little rituals with them. I remember one time, when Drew was feeling really isolated or sad or he was going away, I don’t remember exactly. But I sat on his bed and we did a little ceremony, whereby we visualized tying our hearts together with a piece of string and somehow this was supposed to make us feel connected even when we were apart. We both felt better after. And if we were being separated, we’d remind each other of the string and make sure it was tied tighty. We used to say a sort of grace at mealtime – we did that for years and years. Each of us had to take a turn saying what we were grateful for. Drew used to say the same thing over and over. But every once in awhile he would come up with something pretty cool. Devann of course, said sweet things. I went on a 5 day vision quest once in the petroglyphs in Ontario. We lived in our own individual tents. There was no food, only water. And it was completely silent except for when we met at sunrise and sunset. I received my spirit name there, “Laughing Bear” and I felt an intense connection to mother nature and the teachings of the Native Americans. I learned a lot, about myself, about humanity, about life. I was also probably delirious for lack of food… so who knows! When I went to my yoga teacher’s training at an Ashram, about 5 years ago now, I finally felt completely at home. I love the teachings of the Bhagavad Gita. What they said affirmed what I thought I had believed in, about reincarnation, about all being connected and so many other thoughts that I just had swirling about in my head. When I was with my sister, all my learnings were called into question. I wrote affirmations on her wall every day – from simple ones like, Live in the Moment, to the one I wrote on her last day, Let Go and Let God. I had an extremely strong spiritual sense and identity after that. When I met my last boyfriend though, I allowed it all slowly to dissipate. He said things like, ‘you don’t need to read those books anymore, you don’t need to go to any church, you don’t need to have those ceremonies with your friends.’ He thought God was everywhere and that our lives were just perfect but other than saying grace in German at dinner, I slowly lost all my rituals. I didn’t read anymore of my books, so I lost some of my ideas too. I understood what he meant, but it didn’t work that way for me. I have to have reminders and rituals and ….yah.. reminders. I forget too easily. I lost the little things that brought me to a calm sense of self – burning incense, lighting candles, listening to meditation music, meditating at all, my yoga practice, saying grace at dinner the way I wanted to, burning smudge, cleansing, having a circle, meeting with my girlfriends. This past year has been one of reconnection for me – to myself. Slowly I see myself coming back. I have things around that had been tucked away. I light incense now and candles. I have essential oils I burn and I listen to music more. I do yoga and try to have some contemplative time. I am not meditating really any more, although I find when I hike or paddle, that seems to have a sort of calming affect on me. But my brain doesn’t shut down really. I want to regain my spirit and some of the thoughts that I had before. I don’t believe in going back, so I don’t want that. But I do want a stronger spiritual presence in my life. And I have been feeling like this has been lacking for some time. It’s funny how some things come into your life at just a certain, perfect time. I went into windsofchange blog this morning and all of a sudden it became so much clearer to me. Her blog has a certain calmness and serenity that just drew me right in. I read all her entries, well there are only 4 so far I think, but I know I am going to be spending more time in there. It is lovely. I leave you with this quote, that has always been dear to me: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." Marianne Williamson. Blessings Bugzy Ps.. thanks to my dear sweet friend alfred booth, wanbli ska for this ![Merit Badge in Inner Strength
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For helping people (me) see what's positive in our lives and doing so with simplicity and elegance. Thank you.](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/badges/general-Inner_Strength-1150.gif) I am reminded that we only see in others, that which we have in ourselves. Sigh… |
| Today was just one of those days where there was just so much beauty everywhere I looked. I woke early as Dev had to go to work, otherwise, trust me I would have slept in. But as much as I am NOT a morning person, it was lovely to be up with the sun. After dropping her at work, I took Darla for a hike. We hoofed it quite a ways and it was exhilarating. At one point when I looked over to a field, I saw the most magnificent sight. Along the side of the road, there is a wire fence lined with bushes and shrubs and on the other side is a field of tall wild grass. Well amongst the bushes and grass were entwined hundreds of spider webs. The amazing part was that as it had been quite a frosty night, all the webs were glistening like diamonds in the sunshine - either from frost or just dew. But regardless, I just stood for about 5 minutes looking at all the different sizes and shapes. It was quite spectacular to see the little threads poised between two long blades of grass. I wish I could have taken a picture. So still under the crisp morning light, with a low lying mist over the water, Darla ...( here in her "new to her lifejacket " previously owned by a boy dog kayaker ) ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ...I know, I know.. Friday she is getting a hair cut!! She sure looks pissed in this picture eh?? ....well anyway, Darla and I went for a paddle. The water was crystal clear and when we made our way around to the other side of the island, we found a school of hundreds of fish. Not the little dudes we usually see, but these guys were huge - like seriously huge, like dinner huge. Their tails and fins were almost transparent and they had little white spots on their backs. I tried to take a pic but the reflection of the clouds got in the way. We had a great time, well I did anyway. Darla was not impressed and just sat in one spot in the canoe for most of the trip and on my legs for the rest. She is not liking her jacket just yet - maybe she smells boy germs! So then I worked for a bit, had a nap, worked a bit more, and made an amazing dinner of garlic mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes (the best I have ever made I think), topped with marshmallows, creamed baby onions and peas, brussel sprouts, stuffing and gravy (meatless... I know....still yummy though trust me) Devann and I had a lovely time, just chatting and eating and getting stuffed! I asked her for her gratitude list and here is what she came up with:  Darla - no surprise there! That she was not going to real school - which we chatted about for awhile. She almost went back this year, and by the skin of my teeth I managed to convince her to stay home one more year. She said, she can't believe she almost went back. She said, looking back on her regular school life it had been torture... and was so glad she stayed home this year (me too!!  ) That her brother was happy and having fun in Korea - he just left a couple of weeks ago to teach English for a year That we were did not have to spend Thanksgiving with my stepmom - I tried to get from her what it was that she didn't like. We sort of talked about older people, but I couldn't get her too say much. Her pumpkin - we just bought from the store - I love kids when they are so in the moment. It's huge and was a bugger to carry to the house.. I wanted to roll it, but we thought it might go for a dip and sink Friends - she has 2 good ones this year. She is happy she said, she would rather have 2 good ones than a bunch of so-so ones. Her room - she has an amazing loft and she loves it up there. I personally stay out as much as possible... toooooo messy for me, bleckk! Her TV and Cable - well we know how I feel about that, grrrr Music - which we have a good laugh about, we get into stereo wars sometimes, and sometimes we get into headset wars, if we both are playing music on our computers and have our headsets on, and we are singing... gawed - no wonder the otters don't come around much anymore.. we sound awful!!Well she didn't put me on her list. But an hour and a half cuddling on the couch after dinner says it all to me. Either that, or it was her way of getting out of dishes!! cheers all bugz |
| It's the Canadian version of Thanksgiving this weekend. And I am so lucky to be forgoing the traditional dysfunctional family turkey dinner.. yahoo. My stepmom is away, as well as my brother and his wife. And lo and behold my Mom didn't invite us over. We are in the free and clear. Dev and I are going to cook a super great traditional turkey dinner without the turkey! Yummmm. We love the mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, stuffing and all that good stuff. So I have been spending my Darla walking time the last few days, thinking about all that I am grateful for. It's quite a list I'll tell you. But I will try to share some of it. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Doesn't nature have to be one of the top things to be grateful for? Just look at these magnificent colours. Ok here goes... My children. Devann is an angel who graces my life everyday. My son Drew is a rock, full of wisdom, joy, adventure and is brilliant and beyond measure. I am soooo lucky. My home - I have created such a peaceful, inspiring, spiritual place. I never have to leave to find joy, or serenity or God. I have it all right here. My family - as messed up as we all are, they still are a part of me. We have struggled, shared pain and laughter and I know deep down, if I am ever in need, they will be here for me. My career - It's been rough for sure. I have been freelancing writing and editing now for just over a year. I am determined to stick with it, and I know inside me, this is what I am supposed to be doing. I know I will make it. I have had great fortune in any job I have done or created, this is no exception. I love what I do, I feel blessed that I can do it. And that it allows me such an amazing lifestyle, full of freedom My friends - especially on here. I have written about you all a few times. But waking to cnotes and emails and kind thoughts and words and love and support, just make my heart sing every single day.I am sooooo blessed to have stumbled upon this place. My past loves - and okay, I have had a few, ok a lot. But each person I have let into my heart, I have learned from. I have experienced such deep, wonderful, inspiring passion and feel incredibly lucky to have shared that kind of feeling with so many truly amazing people. I hold everyone I have loved in my heart, and I know it has expanded due to the love I have received. The tough times - we have all had more than enough of those. But I can sit here tonight and truly smile as I think back on some of those painful days that I thought for sure I would never get through. But I did, and now I am here in this place because of every tear I have shed and every piece of my heart that has splintered away. I know I am better because of it all. My ability to question the answers - I don't know how I acquired this skill, but I am grateful for it. I don't make assumptions based on the masses. I think and I question and I don't conform. I am grateful for that ability. It makes me who I am. And I like that part of me. My heart - and my capacity for love. I never give up. Even when I think I will never love again, I know deep down, that I will. I have too much to share and I am not one to hide in the shadows of pain for long. I am grateful that my heart is resilient. Again, I am not sure how it became that way, but I am sure glad it is. Sunny days and rainy days and snowing days and foggy days and all the days in between. I wake with such joy just to look around me. Someone told me the other day that our summer sucked. I said, I thought it was fabulous. I don't remember the rain or the dreary days. I only see the joy of all days, no matter the weather. Yesterday I went for a very long walk in the drizzle and it was fabulous. Celebrating the little things - small things just make me smile: children playing in the park, Darla chasing leaves blowing down the street, holding a baby, listening to Devann laughing at a funny movie, the beep of a text message, watching the blue herons fly along the water, driving through the mountains, singing at the top of my lungs, cooking fabulous food, drinking a beer on the dock, watching the stars, canoeing even alone, Darla curled up on my feet while I work, candlelight, the moon shining on the water, breathing clean air, clean sheets, warm socks, the look in someone's eyes, the warmth of a loving voice.... I think I could go on forever. Technology - wow, where would I be with my laptop, my internet and my cell phone? I cannot even imagine my life without it. I just about lost my mind when I was offline for a week!! I love all that has been created to bring all our lives closer together. Being with my sister when she died. Singularly the most significant event of my life that I feel blessed to have experienced. It changed me completely and I am grateful to her for showing me unconditional love, acceptance, wisdom and deep inner joy. I am who I am now, because of her, more than all and everything on my list so far, put together. I honour her and thank her today and always.Looking back over this list, I realized that I am grateful for many things outside of myself but I am also grateful for things inside me. I almost took some of these out, because I thought I had screwed up my list. But no, I am going to leave it as it. What are you grateful for that you hold inside you? Something to think about. I wish for all of you to have a beautiful day, and send blessings to you and your families. bugzy |
| Oh there's more. I feel the need to balance things out a bit. Thanks to those who left such touching comments yesterday. They made me cry. My mom's mom died when she was very young. Her dad was high up in the Military. He was kind but strict. He remarried, but I dont think my mom liked her. I seem to remember that later he found his true love and that he was going to leave the wicked stepmom but he died abruptly right before that was to happen. My mom was still very young. She went to nursing school and when she was 19 she met my Dad who came to her hospital. He swooned her off her feet and convinced her to marry him. She did and for their honeymoon they went to Morocco. On the ferry, there was an announcement over the PA for my Dad to go see the captain. He was promptly arrested for stealing a car and he spent the next year in jail in Morocco. My mom ended up staying with my Dad's mom in Jersey, England. She hadn't even met her before. Of course my question was, why didn't you leave? But we all know the answer to that. So she waited and when he got out, they traveled and did an assortment of exciting things. My Dad was charming, extremely talented, and smart but very dumb on other levels. And he was a liar. He exaggerated beyond belief. Anyone who met him, fell in love with him. He was funny, and always told great jokes. Charismatic would be the right way to describe him I guess. She didn't know that he had been married already and had a child. He never got divorced from her. We never found out much, but I guess I have another sibling out there somewhere. She didn't know he had changed his name ( never legally ) and his birth date so he could join the airforce even though he was 4 years too young. He had fake papers. So they moved to Canada where Dad did this and that, owned a resort, a chicken farm, sold cars, became a photographer, owned a swimming school, raced cars, became a pilot, a truck driver, and I am sure a few others I don't remember. She had a couple of miscarriages and then my oldest sister came along. Then another girl, then me, then ( a mistake ) my brother. She was never happy. Dad fooled around on her a lot. I don't know if she knew, surely she must have. He was always taking off. He would go up north and photograph the eskimos. He went to Biafra to fly in relief parcels during the war there. He was gone forever. It was unbelievably dangerous. She was home alone with 4 young children, while he was out and about , getting shot at. He said he was going to stay there and that he was in love with another woman. He came back though. And wouldn't let her leave with us. He stayed out of spite I guess. I don't think she planned on leaving without us kids. But he was a powerful guy. And vindictive. I don't know the whole story, but she left one day when we were out buying shoes. I got two pairs. I remember Buster Browns. I remember being suspicious that I was getting two pairs. When we got home, she was gone. I wonder what really went through her head. I guess I will never know the real truth. I have heard bits and pieces. I think I can understand her need to break away completely once she realized she could never win against my Dad. She said she wanted to tell me she was remarrying when I saw her one weekend. And just as I was leaving on the bus to go home I noticed her ring and commented. She said it was too late then to say anything. I guess she was just scared. I know she loved her second husband. She misses him. He died...wow about 12 years ago now. She was happy in her life with him and her son I guess. I found out recently that her husbands family didn't know she had been married before, nor did they know about us 4 kids. That made me feel a bit sick. How can you withhold that much information from your new family? But I guess, when you grow up not knowing love, a mother's love especially, then you marry an abuser, and a liar and a cheat, and have to leave your children, you just learn to survive. Perhaps she has survived by never going deep. By never allowing those feelings to come out. That is how she copes, with her own sadness, disappointments, lost love and failures. She has done the best she could, with what she knows. She is happy in her life I think. Perhaps when she sees me, I am a reminder. Well I love her anyway. Perhaps soon I will tell her more. For now, I just keep being myself around her, telling her I love her and hugging her when I see her. That's the best I can do. Guess that's it for now. I do have other news though - that made my heart sing. Our dear friend Eagle~The Cowboy's Wife who recently became yellow, decided to sponsor me as a rising star. I guess that means I will have to poke my head out of blogville and actually write some crap again. Sheesh..... pressure!That was sure a nice surprise. Thanks Marie. Made my day. Back to cheersing here bugzy ps... alfred booth, wanbli ska challenged me to write a cell phone poem...sheesh... it's late but I am like 2 days behind already.. so here it is... talk about pressure.. Ok alfred... am I off the hook now?The ring beckons me to wake from a sleep deep of dreams of you, floating over me like a warm misty night. It's our connection across the land; pressing tiny buttons with fumbling fingers brings us close. A text message, innocent greetings of day's events and wishes for good nights. Phone calls, checking in. Nice to hear your voice, accentuating thoughts and flirting. Longer conversations, more open sharing ideas of what ifs and tentative dreams. Sweeter inflections mark a slow turn to more intimate musings and feelings. Anticipation starts getting stronger. Excitement builds when the familiar beeps startle through my life. Trying to keep my feet grounded in reality, can we allow the future to just unfold by being present? ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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