Grey (((( UNEDITED))))

Haze

Twenty one, was the fastest year of my life. The end of a miserable occurance. The finale on the worst mistake of my life thus far, and the begining of the best thing in my life.....

I feel like it was only yesterday that I was drinking at Stooges, dressed like a pimp (simply because everyone and their grandmother did the princess thing), celebrating being 21 and not doing it like everyone else.

While at the same time, I feel like I have been in this relationship forever. I mean that in the best way. It's like coming home.

How do I explain? The feeling of being actually in a relationship where I am completely head over heels in love, and satisfied. To not wonder whether the grass is greener, and to look forward to coming home. Even if home is a tiny room that is incredibly remanscant of a itty bitty dorm room.

There we have it. That troubling feeling. Happiness.
Happiness is a hard one for me... Because there really is no such thing as true happiness. If there was, it would never end. Which brings out all sorts of other negative feelings, the hyper self critsism, nagging self doubt, and general awareness of ot being good enough.... However, I know this is true love for me because even though I am terrified, I want this. I want to be by him, even when things don't go as I plan.

I want to see him get old. I want to have our first apartment, first home, and all the other firsts. I want to be married again---- No, fuck that. I want to be married. This one actually means something. This is what I deserved the first time.

It's just that everything about this means so much to me. I am so scared for some reason that this will not work for me. He means so much to me. So much so that I don't even like the thought of spending two nights this month away from him.

In all honesty, I already look at him as my life mate. I don't really even think about things as a "me" basis anymore. It's reached a point where I'd rather spend time with him watching t.v. at home then go out with friends....

It's strange how so many of the things that were so important to me for the months leading up to turning 21, have turned out to be so far from what makes me so extrodinarily happy.

I am quite literally the luckiest woman alive.