Inside My Mind

10/18/22 3:39pm

Every day, I wake up with this boulder of dread sitting deep in the pit of my stomach. I try to distract myself- I try to keep busy- but no matter how valiant my efforts, I always end up staring hazily at the wall, wondering to myself just how long I had let the fear paralyze me, this time.
I used to think I was destined for great things- things like adventures, spontaneity, and love; I had so much passion. Now, all of my days blend together, and all of my anxieties and trepidations have congealed into a massive clot that has only barricaded me inside of this monotonous existence.
Each and every time I look at a loved one, the dread reminds me that one day, I will lose them. It doesn’t understand that I don’t even need a reminder- in fact, it’s nearly all I ever think about anyways. In the process of being so afraid of losing everyone else- of trying so hard to keep all of them in my sight and safe- the ironic thing, is that I lost myself; and of the millions of things the dread weighs me down with, & reminds me of every day, I’m realizing that not once had I ever been considered.