Incurable

As I stepped inside our home that evening, the scent of fresh hot dinner welcomed me. My heels clicked, echoing on the tile floor.

"Felix!"

He looked up from his textbook spread open on the kitchen table.

"Denise! Good evening, honey." He jumped up to embrace me. "Turkey chili casserole is ready for you."

"Yum—I can't wait."

While I sat down to the meal, we caught up on our day's work. Felix was excited about the progress he'd made on his GED studies during lunch at the barbershop. I was equally excited about the progress my team was making on the proton accelerator.

"If we can break the lightspeed barrier, there's no telling what we'll discover! Felix, we're this close to meeting the god particle."

He raised an eyebrow.

"Why is it called that?"

"It's the glue holding the universe together. We've been able to determine the properties, but never separated it for further study. The potential technological advancements available if we harness this universal glue, are nearly beyond comprehension."

Felix shook his head with a smile.

"Your brilliance is beyond my comprehension, honey. The only One I know Who holds the world together is He Who created it."

"Oh, indeed," I chuckled. "Your faith explains everything so you don't have to. Does the Bible say anything about quantum physics?"

"Not that I'm aware of… but I don't need physics to prove that God exists and He loves me. The Bible tells me that."

"You can't believe everything you read."

"The Bible is the most accurate, trustworthy book ever written…"

"It isn't a book. It's a collection of letters, poetry, and historical documents."

"All guided into a cohesive whole by the hand of the Father."

"Sure. Why does He allow pain in the world, then? Has the Bible told you that yet?"

"I do not know why God allows bad to happen. He tells us not to allow the bad in the world to affect our faith. He is good, and He loves me, and I build my life around that."

I shrugged.

"That's fine with me. I know how much your faith means to you."

"I wish you could believe as well."

"That's a hard ask. I see no reasons to believe in God. The world is built out of protons and neutrons, electrons and photons. Evolution brings us forward into the light of scientific discovery, away from primitive beliefs about spontaneous generation and gods living among the stars."

"There's an inherent irony in disproving spontaneous generation, only to then propose that the entire universe came about from nothing."

"It's apples and oranges," I said with a hint of irritation. "You stick to your faith, and I'll stick with science."

I couldn't identify with Felix's belief in a loving, caring Creator. I appreciated what it did for his character, and I would never dream of taking it away from him. Indeed, if he had surrendered his faith at any time during our playful arguing, I would have questioned his mental stability. And yet, it just didn't seem like something I needed to have.

After dinner, I stood up to gather the dishes, but grabbed a chair back as a wave of lightheadedness swept through.

"I'm afraid you'll have to do the dishes, Felix… I'm awfully tired this evening."

"Of course, hon." He hurried to the chore.

I trudged upstairs, wondering since when everyday tasks had become so exhausting. Maybe I should make a doctor's appointment this weekend…

It was a relief to know Felix had my back. My parents and friends questioned my decision to marry a man who never graduated high school. I was an up-and-coming college student, someone with big dreams and goals. Felix wanted nothing more than a simple home, a steady job and someone to provide for. It was a funny combination, but we loved each other. I couldn't ask for anything better.

***

My weariness grew worse over the next few days, until one morning I awakened with a sharp pain. Felix rushed me to the hospital. Agonizing days and dozens of tests later, I had an answer: leukemia.

I panicked over the diagnosis, sitting in tears at the kitchen table. Felix held me close.

"I'm here, Denise. We'll get through this together."

"But what about my research? How am I supposed to go on? My life's work…"

"God won't let your life go to waste." He began to pray aloud for me, speaking as if to a dear and deeply honored friend. "Lord, I know You have Denise under Your loving care. Please heal her…"

I pulled away to start pacing back and forth.

"We have to make preparations! Our finances! How will we survive if I can't work?"

"The Lord will provide."

I scoffed at Felix's simple-minded faith.

"Are you saying we'll survive on miracles?"

"He will do whatever He can."

Over the next months and years, Felix refused to allow me to become discouraged. As I could no longer work, he pressed forward with his education and was able to move up from a barber's assistant to a hairdresser, working two jobs to make ends meet.

As I gradually lost all my hair to chemo, I joked my fragile mess of a scalp would be good practice for him. He lovingly cut and styled it for me until there was no more hair to work with.

"You want me to buy you wigs or scarves?"

"Scarves are cheaper. I don't want to waste money on hair that isn't mine."

Being laid up with cancer taught me a few things about life. I'd always thought I was invincible: young, strong, healthy, the usual. No bad habits to speak of, no pre-existing conditions. Now, I thought a lot about my own mortality. If I died, what would become of my life's work? What was the point of my existence if I was only going to be snuffed out like a candle without reaching my goals?

Alone in a hospital bed, I groaned, tossing and turning impatiently, my head full of questions and concerns. Felix was at work, but he'd left me a bunch of flowers and a stack of pretty little spiritual books. I reached out and grabbed one in sheer boredom.

Psalms and Proverbs for Dark Days, the title read. I opened it up, expecting to read myself to sleep with cute catchphrases and empty platitudes, sort of like Bob Marley's Three Little Birds.

Instead, I found it dealt head-on with many of the same issues I was struggling with: pain, loneliness, uncertainty. David must've had things rough; he seemed to do a lot of hearty complaining to God, more than I would have thought was proper. Curious to explore the Bible, I started working through Felix's stack of books.

Instead of finding insipid fairy tales about giant boats and talking animals, I found stories of a righteous Man, a Healer, one who carries our burdens and walks beside us in our pain. I guess I found Jesus. But I didn't really know what to do with Him.

"Reach out, He's always listening to His children," Felix told me.

The idea of having a personal relationship with an invisible deity, someone who never manifested in the physical world, seemed like having an imaginary friend. Surely my prayers would not really be heard by anyone. My logical, scientific mind told me there was nothing in this world which couldn't be explained by matter in motion. Anything else was wishful thinking born of an aching emptiness within.

"Religion is a placebo effect," I insisted when the chaplain came to visit. "It feels good to be around like-minded people, and we think it's spirituality when it's psychosocial feels."

"Is there anything wrong with that?" She asked me.

I rolled my eyes.

"I'm not going to play mind games with myself and pretend that my own serotonin is an indicator of the presence of God. That would be ridiculous."

"But what if our serotonin is how we experience God's presence, in our limited sensory capacity?"

I shook my head.

"Nice try, but no. Maybe someday I'll see it differently."

It did feel good when Felix would get on his knees and pray for me. But that's just because he loved me so deeply… right?

Finally, the cancer reached a point where the doctors were telling me to look into transferring to hospice.

"End-of-life palliative care is your only option." Dr. Jones aimed a pen at my charts. "This is incurable. We've tried everything, and I can confidently say only a miracle will bring you back."

"God is capable of the impossible," Felix declared. "I have my whole church family praying for Denise. We will not give up."

I had to admit, some nights I would have preferred to give up. Like the black, burning midnight when I doubted I'd survive to see the morning. I writhed in agony. Felix was napping, slouched in a chair. I didn't want to disturb him; he'd been awake by my side for days.

I'd never felt smaller or more alone. All the galaxies spinning impersonally, all the protons and electrons silently whirling, every cold-hearted secret I'd plucked from the earth, seemed to echo mockingly in my ears. I clutched the bedsheets, whispering aloud into the emptiness,

"God, are you there? I need you…"

I waited, ragged breaths barely pulling in and wheezing out. Staring into the solid darkness of the bedroom, with its blackout curtains drawn, it hardly mattered if my eyes were open or closed… until a soft, pale glow seemed to fill the air, gently outlining the furniture.

Relaxation swept through me like peaceful waves rippling along the shore. A warm blanket of some indescribably pleasant emotion wrapped me in a hug. My intense pain dissolved into a sleepy blur.

"Is that you, God?"

"Yes."

It was the faintest of whispered responses, only a feather's cool breath against my feverish cheek. But it was a distinct auditory signal, one I couldn't argue with.

"Thank you," I murmured, before drifting into a blissful sleep.

***

The next day I felt a little better than before. It was a subtle, gradual change from the hopelessness of previous days, but somehow I knew my demise wasn't as near as everyone thought. I tried reaching out to this Creator who had made Himself known to me. It felt weird, but I wasn't about to let go of what I'd experienced.

A few weeks later...

"I don't believe what I'm seeing—the cancer is gone!" Dr. Jones was incredulous, jabbing his pen once more at my charts. "Denise, there is no natural way this could happen. You are in remission, from being on the brink of hospice."

"It's a miracle," Felix said. "I told the Lord if He can do anything, He can heal my wife, if it is His will."

"Well, I definitely feel better than I have in a long time," I laughed. "Felix, this was some miracle. I can't wait to get back to work!"

"To continue the search for that particle holding everything together?" he said, half teasingly.

"Of course. I also need to begin an extensive exploration of Holy Scriptures," I said. "My scientific mind has been convinced, through personal experience and a miraculous deviance from normal medical boundaries."

"I knew the Lord would open your eyes." He held my hand in his with a smile.

I squeezed Felix's hand. I wasn't sure what would happen next, but I figured discovering the Face of God was now every bit as significant to me as discovering the god particle.

Words: 1871.
Written for "Share Your Faith" 
Prompt: is science compatible with faith?