I Can See You

I want you and I see you…

Life can be unfair to some people in the least expected way. Those who have never suffered have never lived; those who do not know what suffering is it is because they were either not born or did not know how to live. Since suffering is an intrinsic part of the nature of all living beings, it is impossible to live without it. Without suffering, happiness would be unattainable, non-existent; without suffering there would be no reason to fight or any desire to live. What is the world we see: a path of thorns in which we feel pain every time we take a step, a hell where the flames are our own mistakes that burn our souls, a dark void that does not allow us to see beyond the depths in which we find ourselves immersed, a shallow illusion that is part of our unconscious delusions? A bit of everything.
         Those who are blind from birth know better than anyone what darkness in its purest form is, since they see nothing but a pitch-black color all the time, or perhaps they see a white that is lighter than snow day and night, as if they had the white blindness that Saramago spoke of in “Essay on Blindness”. We could say they feel like Oedipus the King when removed his own eyes after discovering what he had done, or like Stevland Hardaway Morris. Either option is valid.
         While it is true those who lack vision have a better sense of touch, it is not always easy to perceive reality. Humanity has made considerable progress in terms of coding and signaling, such is the case that various highly complex systems have been developed. Braille, Morse code, the semaphore alphabet, INTERCO, Q code and radiotelegraphy are some semiological mechanisms that serve to communicate. Now, what happens when the perceived symbols are diffuse, erroneous or even nonexistent? There is a tendency to believe we always look for meaning where there is none; we have an intractable pareidolia imprinted in our DNA that pushes us to perceive things that do not exist beyond our perception. Just as there are those who suffer from glossolalia (misnamed xenoglossia), there are those who see without being able to see and understand without knowing the symbolic system.
         People who look and observe are not always healthy seers, sometimes they are deranged lunatics, unbridled libertines, uncontrolled psychopaths, mentally ill people, etc. It is incorrect to think only the most capable ones look and observe, sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t. Then there are those who see, look and observe, and, even so, turn a blind eye, pretending not to have perceived anything, when in fact they did. It is those same traitors of reality who condemn us all, because they see everything that happens, they can correct it, they are aware of the danger it implies, and yet they do nothing but watch with half-closed eyes.
         In plain sight, perceived reality is often not worth looking at or observing. If there are things that can be avoided being seen, it is better not to see them. Perhaps our eyes are not prepared to perceive what our desires do not long to taste with our eyes. Opening our eyes is not always easy, at least it is feasible. Taking off the blindfold is one of the infinite possibilities that exists, as is sticking to what has been seen and ignoring what has been read. Out of sight, out of mind.

***

Esmeralda had been a normal woman, with an ordinary past, a simple life, a varied existence, a successful career, a stable economic situation. Everything had been exceptional for her, until one day when she began to suffer the effects of a curse, a pathology she never thought it would happen. It was gradual, little by little, the ocular failure that made her suffer from myodesopsias, prosopagnosia, followed by Troxler’s effect, until she ended with severe myopia. When she realized the seriousness of the situation, she was already a woman with no sight. As a result, she fell into depression and no longer wanted to go on.
         For hours and hours, she remained seated on a velvet armchair, inside her shabby apartment, waiting for her sight to return. She turned on the stereo, put on the same record and repeated the same song every day until she got sick of it. Her ears were much sharper now, she heard things she had not heard before, she saw with her ears. Nostalgia invaded her every time that melodic and harmonious guitar solo resonated. It was a song that had marked an important part of her life.
         She hated tight clothes, that is why she always dressed like a gypsy, with long colorful dresses that covered her ankles, she felt more comfortable that way. She was a Capricorn, the symbol of the goat represented her. As a young girl she had been interested in the signs of the zodiac, as an adult she lost it. She did not believe in the popular superstitions of the past, not anymore.
         Among her belongings there was not much, she kept in the drawer of memories: magazines, newspapers, ornaments, pills, scraps, photographs and cassettes from the previous century. She remembered that on more than one occasion she complained about the digital camera her mother had given her shortly before she died, she noticed the Rolling Shutter effect in every image and that bothered her. There was not much to tell about her family, she was the second daughter of a single mother, she did not know her father and her only brother. In the city where she lived, she had no contact with uncles or cousins, she was more alone than a stray dog.
         She did not have alexithymia, although there were those who perceived it that way. The timid way of expressing what she felt for others made her object of criticism, she refused to believe something was wrong with her, that she did not deserve to be loved because she was a low profile. Even during sex, she seemed to have anhedonia, she showed little or no emotion. It was impossible to make her smile or make her laugh. She was a woman as dull as she was unhappy. It was difficult for her to launch herself into the fray, and even more so now that vision was no longer present in her life. Everything was grey and monotonous.
         Bernardo, who had been dating her for eight years, returned from a business journey to see her. The day he found her he did not know what to think. He did not find the radiant woman who had given him a part of her heart. He found a lifeless woman, darkened, dejected, desolate, sad. There was no sign of life in her still, pale eyes, they were crystallized, disconnected from reality. While her eyes perceived nothing but darkness, her ears delighted in a song that always brought back memories of the past, the day she had met her partner.
         When he spoke to her, she listened and welcomed him with open arms as she always did, not letting out the dazzling smile she kept hidden. Bernardo knew she was a complicated woman, nor could he force her to be happy as a fifteen-year-old girl in the middle of a party. If he wanted to convince her to marry him, he had to first find a way to gain her trust. He was determined to make her smile at all costs.
         Bernardo, luckily an only child, had decided to sell the property with his parents’ house, he obtained a million dollar sum of money for it, made the wise decision to use that money for his partner’s surgery. He decided that without telling anyone, wanted it to be a surprise. He agreed with the specialists the operation day would take place on the same day as their anniversary. They would close their ninth year as a couple with a flourish, only on the tenth year he planned to declare his love. Since he was not a man with a high income, he could not afford to buy a gold ring or plan a honeymoon just like that. He had to go slowly.
         No sooner than he told her about the property sale, she crossed her legs and sighed dejectedly. The moment she discovered he had a lot of money, she assumed he would break up with her, that he would leave her alone forever. What kind of man would be so foolish as to pursue a relationship with a blind woman? She did not see herself as the ideal partner in the slightest. Blind and with that frigid character of hers, no man would find in her any reason to love her.
         But Bernardo was different, according to the women who knew him. He was not looking for a maid, a bimbo, a secretary. He was looking for a real woman with dignity and honor. He did not like the voluptuous ones, not to mention the opportunistic and the hypergamous. He, unlike other men, did not see with his eyes, he saw with his heart, that is why he stayed with her. He loved her like no one else, and he wanted to make that clear to her on the surgery day. Yes, it was truly crazy to waste two million dollars on a complex surgery that, as sometimes occurs, could go wrong. The adverse effects, however small, may always appear. It was a scam, considering a sex reassignment surgery did not exceed fifty thousand dollars. Well, there are also women who spend fortunes on mastopexies and men who spend fortunes on phalloplasties. Everyone squanders money as they please.
         He prostrated himself before her like an agalmatophile before a Renaissance statue, admired her beauty with all the patience in the world. She, as inexpressive as Reba McClane, barely bothered to listen to him. She imagined he would shake her hand for the last time before leaving. A wealthy man was more sought after than a slacker, everyone knew that. Things changed when he told her he was planning to keep on. He did not intend to leave her adrift like a ship with crew in the middle of the ocean. He was the only deranged man who felt something for her. He was showing her with nice words. By knowing he would never be satisfied if she did not regain her sight, he was planning to take her on a trip so that she could clear her mind a little. So much confinement was making her ill, she did not even have the will to live anymore.
         Esmeralda used eye drops to moisturize her eyes, they were always full of crust in the mornings. That afternoon, instead of lubricating her visual organs with medicine, she did it with tears. She started crying as soon as she found out he would continue with her despite the situation she was going through. She believed he deserved something better, she told him point-blank, to which he responded thus:
         “Someday you’ll look me in the eyes again and tell me: I can see you”.
         It was an arrow to the heart, a bleeding wound in the soul, something that made her feel as much pain as a stab wound. It was then that she sensed the following: Bernardo is a madman. In a certain sense, he was an idiot for wanting to stay with her, and, at the same time, he was showing he was not just any man. He wanted her to be happy like a dendrolatrist in a forest, like a child in a toy store or like a bookworm in a library. He wanted her to live like any normal person. She did not deserve to suffer in vain.
         Before taking her out of the apartment, he asked her for one thing: to stop nail biting. The anxiety she had experienced had produced a sick desire to chew her nails, so much so her cuticles were even bleeding. He promised her he would take her to a professional to get a manicure and restore the beauty of her damaged nails.
         It seemed Bernardo wanted to carry out a simulation of the scene from Avatar, when Neytiri, after reconciling with Jake, says to him: “I see you” (a clear expression of affection and respect in the Na’vi tribe). Since his blind grandfather had committed suicide because he did not want to live without being able to see anything, he did not want the only decent woman he knew to do the same. Esmeralda, as slow-witted as she was, did not deserve to be abandoned like a pet in the street. She had the same rights as other women, leave her would be a crime he was unwilling to commit.
         Having robbed her of her absolute solitude, he led her into the room, sat her on the bed, took a bundle of clothes, showed her all the clothes lying ironed on the ironing board, told her she could wear whatever she wanted and not to worry about the condition of the clothes, that he would soon buy her all the clothes she wanted. “No need”, she muttered as he touched the skirts and blouses. “I don’t want new clothes. I’m content with what I have”.
         With the same Katya’s long-suffering attitude (short for Katerina Ivanovna Verkhovtseva), she refused to be a greedy lady, she did not want to abuse Bernard’s hospitality. It was enough he spoke to her in the pitiful state she was in. Going blind had not only weakened her mentally, it had also made her daily food intake worse. She lost weight from the day she stopped seeing, she became thinner, even her ribs were visible on her belly.
         Bernardo decided to take her out for walks more often. He hated seeing her sitting all day like a sloth on a branch. He did not know that was how she found comfort from the torment she experienced in silence. Not being able to watch any of her favorite series on television made her sad. They were series that had to be watched with her eyes, but hearing the actors’ voices was not the same. She longed for the old days more than ever. Not being able to see anything was inconceivable to her.
         “Where does he want to take me?”, she asked herself every time she heard him talk about tourist sites. It would be useless to take a blind person to a beautiful place if she could not see it with her eyes. What would be the point of spending so much money if it was not worth it. “Does he want to make me suffer?”. Negative thoughts swarmed like mosquitoes in warm regions, prevented her from imagining beautiful things. It was to be expected that Esmeralda felt reluctant to go out with him. She did not want him to drag her along the public road in broad daylight, for others to see her with a white cane, she hated being treated as a disabled person. As much as it pained her, she had to accept she was not in the ideal condition to walk around alone, tripping and falling was something no walker liked.
         Bernardo whispered in her ear, asked her to be patient, that soon that horrible nightmare would end. She did not understand what he meant by “nightmare” or “end”. She guessed he was encouraging her not to give up. She asked him what he intended to do with her, the answer given was doubtful, somewhat uncertain. He answered her blindness would end later. He did not tell her about the surgery, but he did tell her he had plans for the future and that, if everything went well, she would return to normal.

***

In the darkest gloom, even fear loses its meaning. The thing is that no one is saved from reaching that point: death. That is right, death is eternal blindness, the perpetual sleep from which no one ever returns. Chimerical explanations have been outlined with the aim of offering more or less convincing justifications for the phenomenon of death. Those who do not have enough courage to face life will never be able to face death.
         Not being able to see anything, in a certain way, is a curse or a blessing, or both at the same time. Blindness has its advantages, mainly when it is voluntary blindness. Those who can see but do not want to see are, in many cases, happier than those who cannot see but decide to see. Closing one’s eyes, on some occasions, is more comforting. Fixing one’s eyes on reality is not usually a piece of cake, what is perceived often does not match what is desired, and that is when cognitive biases come into play.
There are times when even the harmful Backfire Effect is present and nothing can change the person’s way of thinking in question. If there is voluntary ignorance (self-inflicted illiteracy), then there must be voluntary blindness (stubbornness) and voluntary deafness (irrationality). This is when the ignorant claim to know everything; this is when the blind claim to see with their eyes closed; this is when the deaf claim to hear loud noises.
         It is true the frequency spectrum (whether light, sound and/or electromagnetic) cannot be perceived by humans in its complete version, but this does not mean it is not possible to perceive the existing reality. Fortunately, there are instruments today that help us perceive beyond the perceptible, even in places we were never be able to access by our own will.
The fact we cannot see and hear does not imply we are incapable of seeing and hearing. Gifted minds, even with visual and hearing disabilities, have left an unmatched legacy in the history of humanity. So, maybe we do not need eyes or ears. If we were all to become blind and deaf, we could still live. The bad thing would be that we would miss out on many beautiful things that make our existence (a sea of tears) an ephemeral elixir of earthly pleasures.
         There are those who fear aging for fear of losing their senses, and how right they are. We are so dependent on our sensory organs that without them we would not want to live even a moment. In the blink of an eye, we would become what we once dreamed of never becoming. If we ever think things are going badly for us, let’s imagine for a second what it would be like to be without sight and hearing. There are brave people who live their whole life like that and act as though nothing had ever happened.
         In conclusion, what good are sight and hearing if we are going to go through life seeing what we want and hearing what suits us? We would behave like other beings in the animal kingdom, guided only by instinct and personal interest. Who knows how far we could go if we acquired the ability to see everything and hear everything. We would die of anguish or lose our minds, in either case, life would be worth living.

***

The long journey to Italy, which had cost an arm and a leg, finally took place. Bernardo knew it would be a difficult situation, possibly with no return. He trusted in the doctors’ professionalism and in his partner’s temperance. He had persuaded her, with all sorts of comments and pleas, to undergo the surgery for him. Despite her regrets, Esmeralda approved the request with a sincere yes.
         According to what was explained in the hospital, the idea was to do a total eye transplant, with the possibility the recovered vision would not be excellent. Whatever the case, the decision had already been made and it was only a matter of time before the patient was put in the operating room. At 38 years old, Esmeralda was going to undergo the most complicated operation of her life. There was no turning back, the decision was made.
         Similar surgeries had been performed in previous years, patients with partial blindness had been treated and the results were as expected. Esmeralda’s case exceeded the surgeons’ expectations. Even with the best ophthalmologists in action, things could not go as planned. Malpractice was common in operations of that type.
         When the final moment arrived, Bernardo separated from Esmeralda, asked her not to do anything improper, to be calm, that everything would be fine and that he would see her again soon. He promised her he would not leave the facilities until he saw her healthy again. He swore he would wait as long as necessary to see her again. With a light kiss on the forehead he said goodbye to her before leaving.
         It was inevitable to feel empty with Bernardo’s absence, he was like a guardian angel. She was led by the nurses to the operating room, they offered her the green gown they always put on patients before exposing them to the worst torments. Naked and with nothing to hide, she was covered by the assistants, then taken to the operating table where they anesthetized her, took the instruments and began to examine the lifeless organs under the eyelids. Under the most intense light, they discovered the woman’s eyes were completely ruined, replace them was the only option.
Bernardo had left in time and sat in the waiting room, calm and optimistic. He trusted the doctors at that hospital, since they were the          same ones who had restored an old man’s sight months before. That surgical intervention was not going to be easy, it was scheduled to last at least three hours.
         That wait of a few minutes quickly became an endless eternity. He seemed to be suffering more than she was, even though his eyesight was healthy. From time to time he put on dark glasses when he left, but nothing more than that. Since he knew how valuable it was to be able to see clearly, he wanted her to be able to experience it just like before. Maybe he would not see her smile from ear to ear, but at least he could get a look from her and be seen as he was.
         Waiting for so long was really annoying, the anxiety and nervousness were unbearable like street vendors in a public square or beggars in an alley. He took a book out of his bag and began reading a little, distracted his mind from that torment of exasperating emotions that only made him suffer for nothing.
         Day turned into night, patience turned into impatience, hope turned into despair. Bernardo’s heart was about to explode, just then they told him the operation was finally over. They did, however, warn him his girlfriend’s current condition was not good, that she needed rest and it was best for her to stay in the hospital until her new eyes could adapt to her body. With that good news, he breathed calmly and thanked them for updating him on what had befallen.
         Unfortunately, he had to stay away from his beloved for a few days, estranged from the person he most admired. The pain was so severe he even suffered ill effects on his health. With a good dose of painkillers, he regained his composure. He admitted it was hard for him to accept the reality he had experienced, even though he had already been given the green light for the procedure.
He wondered if once she got out of bed, the woman would recognize him, or if, on the contrary, she would see in him an unfamiliar face. He assumed that after having spent almost a year without being able to see anything, she would not be the same as before. With her eyes repaired, she should be the same radiant woman he had known when he was young. She deserved nothing but esteem for her daring. Not everyone undergoes risky surgery.
         It was early, the sun was just rising, when Esmeralda woke up and was able to open her eyes without any problem. She had to keep using her eye drops to make sure her eyes did not dry out or turn red. Standing and with her vision clearer than ever, she walked at a snail’s pace through the hospital, recognized as many faces as she saw people. For the nurses, it had been a true miracle to see her healthy. So many colors mixed together seemed to be part of a dream. Not only had she regained her sight, but she now saw much better than before.
         As she walked out the front door and towards the parking lot, she crossed some palm trees, moved with ease between parked vehicles and reached a corner of the facility. It was there where she came across the person who had spent a fortune to restore her sight. As soon as she approached him, she murmured excitedly with joy she felt full of charm. She smiled openly again, with tears in her eyes. He, skeptical, asked her the obvious question, to which she replied:
         “I can see you”.
         She took him in her arms and thanked him for having waited for her. She knew he had suffered a lot during the recovery period. She told him what he had done was crazy, but it had been worth it in the end. Now she was able to see clearly, she could tell him how horrible it was to not have vision. Nevertheless, she not only saw what was around her, she also looked and observed carefully every detail of the context. Losing her sight taught her to appreciate that ability more. As the saying goes: “No one appreciates what they have until they lose it”.