Just to be Candeed (Part 2 of 2)

         ACT 2, SCENE 5: Sit Tight, this is the Last Scene!


         [SETTING: The Rad Ideas Center. UNC is presenting his plan to AVERY, RANDY, ULYSSES, BRASS, NIALL, WOODWARD, and BERNSTEIN. JEAN does not enter until later.]






         UNC: All right, so here's the plan: We will do a Candeed-esque interview with Mr. Tyler. This will expose his corrupt nature. All we need to do is find a way to release it. We can disguise it as an interview with someone else, but I don't know who...


         BRASS: Don't worry, I know someone who's always available to interview.


         UNC: Just a fair warning, we'll have to use this room to do the interview.


         BRASS: Why?


         RANDY: This is the last scene and using the interview room would require a scene change.


         BRASS: Oh brother.


         AVERY: Brass, does the person you're talking about happen to be the actor Pat Kay?


         BRASS: Yes! I'll just have to call him and get him here. I'll be right back. (Exits.)


         ULYSSES: Great! Now I'm the only sane person in this room!


         WOODWARD: Woah, woah, there. I'm sane!


         BERNSTEIN: Yeah, I don't talk to that galdurn wall like those other freaks!


         WOODWARD: Yeah, we're normal!


         BERNSTEIN: Normal as can be! (Gets out bag of chips and opens it as loudly as possible.) Chips, Woodward?


         WOODWARD: You already know, Bernstein! (Grabs the bag of chips with aggression. He devours the chips la Fantastic Mr. Fox.) Delicioso! (DEH-LEES-EE-OH-SOH.)


         BERNSTEIN: There's chips all over you, Woodward!


         WOODWARD: Rip and tear until it's done.


         ULYSSES: Yeah, you guys aren't exactly sane.


         RITA: (Enters.) Niall! What are you doing betraying Candeed?!


         NIALL: Rita, there's something I need to tell you.


         RITA: You love me to the moon and back?


         NIALL: No, Rita. I do not. I never did. I did not appreciate what you did during the strike, either. I've tried to tell you many times, but you'd never listen. Tyler was using me as bait so the crowd would disperse upon hearing your incessant flirty remarks.


         RITA: (Upset.) Oh.


         NIALL: I'm sorry that your husband isn't as accommodating as he should be, but that doesn't mean that you should be projecting your emotions onto me.


         RITA: I'm sorry, too, Niall. I didn't realize that you felt so strongly about my actions towards you.


         NIALL: I appreciate your maturity.


         BRASS: (Enters with PAT.) ...and then get this, Pat, my dad enters the room and he ejects the stinkiest fart imaginable. I mean, just the swampiest, smelliest flatulence you can think of. Like, the whole Thanksgiving table just could not even tolerate it. It was, like, louder than the eruption of Krakatoa, too- like, I cannot stress enough just how incredibly-


         ULYSSES: That's enough, Brass.


         BRASS: Apologies.


         PAT: So... we're bringing this place down, correct?


         AVERY: Yes!


         PAT: ...and you need my help to act as a fake interviewee while Jean Tyler is the real interviewee?


         RANDY: Precisely!


         UNC: So how this is going to work is that you, Pat, are going to start an interview with Brass like normal. Mr. Tyler will accompany Brass during the interview and hopefully the focus will change to be about Mr. Tyler. He's pretty self-important, so it shouldn't be too hard. We will record the interview and release it to Candeed. Tomorrow, when nobody goes to work, everyone will protest Candeed and Jean Tyler will no longer be at the helm of candeedbios.org.


         PAT: Sounds like a plan!


         BRASS: Let's do this!


         JEAN: (Enters.) Hello, hoodlums, delinquents, and fiends.


         BRASS: You're early, Mr. Tyler.


         JEAN: I had to be! Just to make sure you all weren't pulling something.


         PAT: Hello, Mr. Tyler. I believe you'll be joining Brass in his interview with me as a guest?


         JEAN: Affirmative.


         [The CAMERA CREW enters.]


         CREW MEMBER: We're a little early.


         BRASS: Don't worry. Tyler is, too. So, we're all ready. You may take as much time as you'd like.


         CREW MEMBER: Clear out, people!


         [AVERY, NIALL, RITA, ULYSSES, UNC, WOODWARD, and BERNSTEIN exit. RANDY stays and just stays idle. The CAMERA CREW begins setting up, but really slowly.]


         BRASS: Set up at a reasonable pace, smart alecs.


         CREW MEMBER: (Defeated.) OK...


         JEAN: (Takes a seat.) Mr. Horne, Mr. Kay, you may both take a seat.


         BRASS: (Sits.) Don't mind if I do!


         PAT: (Sits.) Yeah, I feel like I've been standing forever.


         CREW MEMBER: ...Action!


         BRASS: Welcome to another interview with Pat Kay, with a special guest, Jean Tyler! We'll just get started immediately. How's it going, Pat?


         PAT: Oh, well, you know-


         JEAN: Easy for you to say!


         PAT: (He looks at JEAN with a concerned expression.) Is there a problem, Mr. Tyler?


         JEAN: No, not at all. It's just that Brass won't let me speak!


         BRASS: What did I even do?-


         JEAN: Were you spoken to?!


         BRASS: Mr. Tyler, I'm the interviewer. I am allowed to speak without being required to be permitted to do so.


         JEAN: Brass, I am your boss. I have the right to do whatever I want. I essentially made this company from the ground up!


         BRASS: You built up this company with the help of many people!


         JEAN: I don't care! Shut up! You are a pest, Brass! You and your stupid annoying voice! Why in the Lord's name must you sound like that?!


         RANDY: Ask the writer!


         JEAN: Shut up!! This is what I'm tired of! You are all so terrible. Nobody that works here is smart or qualified to be in the position for which they were hired. Niall turned his back on me. Rita is never focused on work and only on that traitor Niall. Woodward and Bernstein should just retire already. Unc Stevens proliferated his mental illness to Randy, which is just great. Randy still comes in here even though he was fired long ago. Avery Childs is the least professional, most inexperienced, most incompetent employee Room 1A has seen. I should have fired Ulysses Richard long ago because he clearly has no idea what he is doing when it comes to new hires.


         BRASS: Have you ever considered that perhaps it might be your fault for making Ulysses hire someone? You did tell him that he needed to hire someone by that week or it could "cost him his job."


         JEAN: Brass, are you stupid? Ulysses is an adult. He has worked here at Candeed Media for fifteen years. I should be able to trust him to hire someone that does not annoy me to no end. But I clearly can't. All my employees are like problem children. There is no way to handle them without being "bad" or "toxic". It's impossible! You are all impossible! You all have no idea how hard I've worked to get this place to where it is now!


         BRASS: You inherited this company from your father, Howard Tyler, who passed away about 20 years ago.


         JEAN: My late father technically started the company, but he only was able to run it for a year and one month before he up and croaked! He created the Candeed motto: "Showing who people really are." I hate that he came up with that nonsense.


         PAT: That's very interesting, Mr. Tyler.


         JEAN: Hey, wait a minute! You're the interviewee, Mr. Kay, not me! What's really going on here?! Was this a setup? Are you trying to "expose" me?! You're trying to "expose" me, aren't you?! Is that the game here?! Is that the plan?! You really think you can get away with that?! Well, watch this! (Psychotic.) Ha ha. (He lunges at a CAMERA CREW member.)


         CREW MEMBER: Agh!!


         JEAN: (He is holding the CREW member by the collar with his fist wound up.) To heck with you, you curs employee! I bet Ulysses hired you, you bumbling tool!


         OTHER CREW MEMBER: ...and cut! That was a great take, guys!


         JEAN: Shut up, you solely professedly intelligent bundle of sarcasm! Do you truly think your boneheaded humor is ameliorating the situation?! Well, you think wrong, you pigeon-brained subhuman waste!


         RANDY: "Ameliorating"?! Mr. Tyler, please put away the thesaurus and admit defeat.


         JEAN: (Livid.) NO!


         RANDY: Mr.-


         JEAN: I'm leaving, Randy. You guys can make your stupid exposand ruin my reputation all you want. But guess what?! I'm going to write a book! And when I do, you all are going to be in a world of hurt! (Exits.)


         RANDY: Well, I think that about wraps up our operation.


         BRASS: Bye, Randy. I'm going to miss Candeed.


         (BRASS and the CAMERA CREW exit.)


         RANDY: (To audience.) And that was that. In the end, Jean Tyler ended up writing a book. No one bought it. Brass and Avery got new interviewing jobs elsewhere. Woodward and Bernstein died of old age about 3 days after Candeed went under. Candeed became an abandoned building and eventually collapsed. Niall actually ended up with Rita after Rita had a messy divorce with Magnus. The Moustache siblings stayed the same. Unc eventually went on to have his second child at the young age of 46. Ulysses got a very prestigious job at some big administration... I can't quite remember its name... I think it rhymes with "Sassa". Pat and I went on to make an incredible movie and it did excellently at the box office. After that, I went on to be a superhuman being of sorts, but that can be saved for another play. In the meantime, goodbye everybody! (Exits.)


          [End of play.]