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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up Pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| I absolutely love my new Tehillim book. There is a thrill of the smell of a new book, and when it has a beautiful cover and perfect typesetting, it makes it even better! The nikkud in the Hebrew side of the book is so easy to read that I am able to get through a chapter much faster. I have been reading just the first chapter at work during my lunch and will continue doing it until I have it memorized in Hebrew. My Hebrew classes were cancelled tonight so I attended Talmud at the shul. It has been a long time since I have attended a Talmud class, and every other class that I have attended has been online. It was a really good class on how women were the heroes during the time of slavery in Egypt. It was such a different experience hearing it in person compared to listening to online. For one, I wasn't distracted by dishes, work, or my phone. I was also able to hear people commenting on his lesson and hear the questions. It was really good. I think I finally figured out how to cook parve food in my kitchen. I did have to buy a few small appliances and am still working on getting everything I need to make it run smoothly. I know some things I should wait to buy until after my conversion, but I need to cook and to make my kitchen work while keeping it kosher. Some things, I guess I just don't have a choice. I don't have everything I need yet, and I found my new issue is with knives. I need to be mindful when I use a knife to cut something, and I need to make sure I have enough knives to keep them separated. I don't have it yet to my satisfaction. This morning the roads were terrible, and the weather was bad. The traffic was extra heave, I was late to work, and everyoen seemed grumpy. Driving to work always makes me miss the country. But tomorrow night Shabbat begins. One more day of telling kids to take their headphones off, and to take their earbuds out, and to be respectful of their classmates, and then... then there is peace, and rest, and prayer, and more prayer, and a little bit of food, and great people. When the city wears on me and when I'm asked if I like it here, I just think about shul and my community and Shabbat. I don't want to be anywhere else. This is my home. This is my community. No, I don't want to be anywhere else. |
| I am an utter failure. As a convert, I am permitted to keep 99.9% of Shabbat, so I do something small like putting on Chapstick or lotion, or helping someone by turning off their stove. Small things that don't make me feel like I'm completely desecrating Shabbat. I have not broken Shabbat more than these small ways since I have moved to the community, until this Shabbat. There was a small snow storm on Friday. I had to drive very slow to get home safely, so I only had a few minutes before my friend made it there to pick me up. I was having dinner at the Rabbi's. The Rebbetzin offered for me spend the night so I wouldn't have to walk to shul in the harsh weather in the morning. I packed a bag, just in case the weather got worse or the snow didn't stop during the time I was at dinner. My friend arrived to pick me up and give me a ride since she was invited also. We joked about how she knew I wouldn't be ready even though she was late picking me up. I received a text message from my ex-boyfriend. I sent a snarky reply (not a proud moment), turned off my phone, grabbed my bag, and headed out the door. I have never been to a dinner at the Rabbi's with so few people. Nor have I been to a dinner there where I knew everyone. I was so thirsty at the end of the fast that everything I drank was the best ever. I was nervous that I would have stomach issues eating someone else's food at the end of the fast, but it was only a short fast. I had no issues. My friend, on the other had, did. It could have been too low of blood sugar, or something else, but she scared me. She said that she was fine, but I wanted to make sure. The snow hadn't stopped and was still coming down at the end of the dinner. Instead of staying, I got back into the car with my friend and let her drive me home. I cleaned off my vehicle and followed her home to make sure she got home safely. I sat there until she went inside. I drove slowly back home thinking about how many times I had broken Shabbat, but knowing that I would do it over again if given the choice. Then I walked inside. There was a smell that was really bad. It had not been there when I had left for dinner. I no idea where it was coming from. I had a bag of garbage that I hadn't had time to take out before Shabbat started, but it didn't seem to be coming from that bag, or so I thought. I figured that I could find it after Shabbat, and that it would be fine. I was wrong. The next day, I got up, got ready, and went to shul wearing the dress that my friend wanted me to wear. I prayed and watched for her to come around the time she normally arrived. When she walked in the door, I felt a huge wave of relief. The Rebbetzin was a little late, which had me wondering if she had gotten sick after we left, but she walked in smiling like normal, and my anxiety quickly vanished. I had kiddush at another friend's house. My friend who had been sick at the dinner the night before was there. She drove next me after the meal as I walked home. She was doing fine, and it made me feel a little guilty about breaking Shabbat so much the night before, but at the same time, I knew I would do it again. Then I felt guilty about that. I got home wanting to say my Tehillim and take a nap. However, I walked in the door, and the smell was overwhelming. I had purchased a small bottle of milk over the holiday break that I intended to use to make the Oreo truffles (made on Monday instead) for my students. It had gone bad in the fridge (unopened) before I had the chance to make them. I didn't want to open it because I knew it would smell bad. I put the unopened, sealed bottle of milk in the garbage. I Somehow, it had ruptured in the bad and spoiled milk was spilling all over the kitchen floor and under the meat cabinet. I wanted so bad to wait the few hours until Shabbat was over to clean it up, but the smell was too much. I took the garbage out to the dumpster with milk dripping the entire way. I grabbed a washcloth, wet it, wrung it out and cringed. I broke Shabbat again. I tried to clean up the stinky, spoiled milk covering my kitchen floor and all the drips out the door without breaking Shabbat again, but it was too much milk. I got the mop and mopped up the rest. I wanted so bad to put a wax melt in my warmer, but I resisted. However, at that point I had broken Shabbat so many times, would doing one more thing really matter that much? I said my Tehillim and took a very short nap. I woke up just as Shabbat ended. I cried doing Havdalah. Did I fail this past Shabbat, yes. From the moment I sent the snarky comment until the moment I put out the flame of the Havdala candle, I failed multiple times. As someone who does not live in failure, I spent some time crying on G-d's shoulder, sent a text apologizing to my ex who accepted the apology, gave charity, and bought prayer books for holidays Selichot, Yom Kippur, and Rosh Hashanah so I can study them before the holidays arrive again. Tonight I will have some chocolate and a good sleep. Tomorrow, I will study, and I already know that next Shabbat will be better. I have no doubts that the king of the universe created me and has called me to do this. Therefore, I cannot and will not stay a failure. Shavua Tov. |
| Man this is hard sometimes. I still love you G-d and I trust you. |
| I was in class the other day with the Rabbi who laughs. He has said repeatedly that he thinks that I am crazy for wanting to convert. He was talking about a Jewish comedian, Modi. He had a skit on converting to Judaism. I've heard of the comedian and seen a few of his skits on YouTube. Today, a few days later, it comes up on my YouTube suggested videos. It was very funny, but also very true. When he talked about converting to different religions and then going to a Rabbi and saying you want to convert, I said the punchline before he did. "No you don't." It is true that they try to talk you out of it. It is true that I get discouraged at times. But then I look at my Siddur, or pray a Tehillim, or say my morning blessings, say a brucha without thinking about it, or just spend even a small moment talking with Hashem, and then I get over my discouragement and turn back to praise. Here is the link so you can laugh like I did. https://youtu.be/4GlgHlcFLF4?si=9gPBA2mZMhR1Ydo- I don't know that I will ever fully understand why I pre-rip toilet paper for Shabbat. It doesn't matter how much it is explained to me. However, I do it during my Hebrew lessons because it is a reminder that every little thing and every big thing I do is for the same purpose, to serve Hashem. How do I spend my person time outside of work and classes? I look at stoves with double ovens and try to think about how I can get out of buying a new stove and still have an oven that is parve. I haven't figured it out. Because my oven is dairy, I haven't baked challah since I've been at my new apartment. I can't bake it in a dairy oven and serve it with meat. However do I need two ovens? I've looked at countertop ovens, but the small one I have for meat (since I eat very little of it) still takes up so much space in my kitchen. I don't want another countertop oven. If it wasn't for chicken nuggets, I could almost be a vegetarian. Almost. It is a lot of money to get a stove with a double oven. I haven't figured out another way to be able bake challah though, and I miss baking challah. Did I enter this journey ever thinking that buying a new stove so I can make my kitchen keep with up my level of observance would be an issue. Never, ever crossed my mind. I know that I can just keep buying challah here and the oven wouldn't be an issue, but I love baking. I really love it. I need a parve oven. It's late already and I need to work tomorrow. I will tackle this problem again tomorrow. Have a great night. And thank you everyone who lit candles this past Shabbat. It was an extra happy Shabbat thanks to you. |
| I enjoyed learning the laws of Chanukah this year. Not only with a friend studying the Shulchan Aruch, but also in the book that L got me last year. My friend and I will be starting studying the rules of Pesach. I'm not sure how much I can actually do. I will have a lot of questions for my Rabbi. Chanukah is over, but the messages of Chanukah are still displayed in my email, all over my Facebook page, and in my WhatsApp groups. I really enjoyed Chanukah. It was a very meaningful holiday. Fun, yes, but also full of love, light, and hope. I ended Chanukah studying Hallel with L and Hebrew with GZ. I sure hope it is always like this. Today I went to a class on the Parshah of the week. This week's Parsha is Vayigash. It is the part of the Bible where Joseph reveals himself to his brothers. His father Jacob comes to Egypt and the Jews prosper in Egypt. We didn't get through very much of the parshah, but the message was so good. I was able to hear two different messages on the parshah. One message was just on the meeting between Joseph and his brothers when he revealed himself to them. The second message was on the same theme that I have been hearing all week, on being broken and learning how to grow from being broken and use that brokenness to connect to Hashem. When I first starting studying with Chabad, I was amazed how in depth they went with the Bible. It wasn't surface level, which was all I was used to getting. It wasn't some off topic message that some pastor made up and tied it to a verse taken out of place. It is soul kindling study of the word of G-d. I feel so blessed every time I get to participate in any class and learn. It is a privilege to learn at this level. Every time I hear a story or lesson, it fills part of my soul that was empty. I am so thankful to Hashem for giving me this time of my life. I've been working on my kitchen a lot with keeping it kosher. I absolutely mess up and then study what I would do if I mess up like that after my kitchen is koshered. I'm thankful to have friends to talk me through it and know that I can ask the Rabbi when the time comes to help. There were things that I found I need to work on. It's amazing how many sets of kitchen gadgets are needed to keep the kitchen kosher. I never thought I would ever need more than one cheese grater, but that is not the case. I use it a lot for vegetables (making latkes). I need it to be parve for vegetables, but it is dairy when used for cheese (who doesn't like freshly grated cheese?). That means I need 2, one parve cheese grater and one dairy cheese grater. I now own two. Another thing I have needed to expand on is my kitchen hand towels. To keep from mixing meat and dairy, different towels are needed. They are easy enough to wash, but I found that this takes practice and a lot of thought. I have been doing things and realized that I didn't change towels for meat and had to grab a new towel, or vise versa. Since I usually only eat meat on the weekends (except this week with all my leftovers from Shabbat since my guests didn't show), it is easy to keep dairy towels out during the week and put a new towel out for the weekend. It hasn't been easy with eating leftovers. The latkes I made were considered meat because I warmed them up in the meat oven (a separate little air fryer pizza oven that I bought specifically for meat), but I don't eat meat the rest of the day. That meant that I needed meat towels for the morning (when I made the latkes with scrambled eggs and spinach), and dairy towels for the evening. It's not really a difficult thing, but it takes thought and planning. I'm going to be heading back to work soon, and I am so thankful that I had this rest. I really needed this time to focus on studying Torah, Hebrew, and spend my time connecting with The Creator. Thank you Hashem for this time. Over the past week, even through disappointments and heartbreak, I was able to rest and gain the strength needed to face the world outside of my apartment again. I know some of you have asked how the move went and how I am doing now in a new city. I still hate the city. There are too many cars and the sheer amount of people is still overwhelming. However, I can get to work, to the grocery store, to the pharmacy, to shul, and to friends houses without GPS. I hate driving even there aren't cars on the road, so all the cars and the people do little for helping with that issue. I've done okay financially. I do get paid more here, so that helps. I have paid my rent and bills every month and still have not gone hungry. That was my hope when I moved here, and I have been able to achieve that. I have made more friends since I have been. Work is okay, stressful but it okay and pays the bills. I like that I make a difference, even if it is a small one. I like my apartment a lot. I love the closet space and the sheer size of my bedroom. I got a second (okay third) bookcase and assembled it over the holiday. I now am excited to get a few more books. I have wonderful neighbors. The lady who lives upstairs is from Poland. She is the sweetest person I have ever met and so good to everyone in the building. I am doing well here. My Jewish followers, please join me this Shabbat in lighting candles. I know not all of you are observant (your words, not mine), but the world could use your light this Shabbat. I could use your light this Shabbat. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and a wonderful Shabbat. |
| Tonight I kindled the Chanukah lights for the last time this year. As they burned, I reflected over the past eight days. In the midst of all the fun of playing with the dreidel, watching the giant menorahs be lit, watching the magician and the Chicago Boyz Acrobatic Team, all of the soup, the latkes, the doughnuts, the friends, and the laughter, G-d has challenged me to grow in ways I didn't expect. I keep being brought back to the story of the stone tables. G-d created stone tables and wrote the ten commandments on them. He gave them to Moses to give to the people. When Moses went down the mountain to the people, he became angered and broke the stone tablets. He then went back up the mountain, pleaded with G-d for forgiveness for all the Jewish people, created a new set of stone tables and G-d carved the words on them again. Why do I keep coming back to this story over and over again? When the candles are burning, there is a light in your soul that grows brighter. The is an ever so gentle tug on the soul that calls for growth and personally and spiritually (or in my case, a smack on the head and a voice saying, "Hay, listen up. I'm talking to you."). Each night I lit the candles, I asked G-d what he wanted me to learn. What was my message for Chanukah? I felt the tug on my conscience to pray more mindful. I haven't been praying like I should, I know. Not just my morning prayers, the Shema, the Amidah, and the bedtime prayer, but my personal prayers and conversations with my creator. After a few days of rest, it time to reconnect. Not only was I needing to talk, but I was also needing to listen. On day 4 of Chanukah, I sat at the kitchen table alone trying desperately not to cry and hold onto some form of joy. I had faced multiple days of disappointment and was heartbroken. I watched my day 4 candle burn bright and beautiful, but as my tears fell, the flame jumped down the candle wick and quickly the candle burned down to half the size of the rest. Day 5, a similar thing happened with the day 4 candle. Day 6 and day 7 the same candle burned differently. I relived my disappointment and feelings of self-doubt and a low sense of self-worth. My conversations with G-d increased and I opened myself up to listen. Listening brought me back to the broken stone tablets. Growing up, I pictured those broken stone tables in pieces on the mountainside left where they had fallen. They were broken and worthless and soon replaced. It was only during this conversion journey that I learned something different. The broken pieces of the tablets were placed in the ark along with the second set of intact tablets. Why were the broken tablets kept? Rabbi Menachem Mendel of Kotzk said, "There is nothing more complete than a broken heart." It is in our brokenness that we must spend time to grow, to learn, and to heal. We are not given only one heart. Our heart does not heal and become whole again. We take our broken pieces, we learn from them, and we put them together with our new whole completed heart. Only with our broken pieces echoing the lessons we learned in our brokenness can our whole heart stay intact, grow, and truly love ourselves, G-d, and others. Each day that something happened to the day 4 candle, or even another candle, I heard my heart whisper truth after truth. It's still burning brightly. It might be different, but it still has worth. It might look different, but it's still burning bright. It's beautiful. My friends words from days before echoed through my mind, "You're an amazing person. Someday, we will get you to believe it too." Each day I listened. "Do you trust me?" Yes, G-d. I trust you. "Do you believe that I want good for you?" Yes, G-d. I believe you will always do what is best for me. "Do you believe you are good enough?" I don't know, but I know this is where I belong and where you want me. As the days passed, I could feel G-d close by as we talked. Day 8 I lit the candles so thankful to have had this time of fun, experiences, and personal growth. I spent a lot of time this day just being thankful. As day 4 candle acted up again, I smiled. Then I heard a voice. "Before I can give you what you asked, you have to be ready to accept them. Are you ready to accept them?" The candles have gone out and I am cleaning my menorah to put away. I look at my vision board that outlines everything that I am praying for for the next year. Some of the things on there, yes, I am ready for. All of them, no. I'm not ready yet, but I am in the right place at the right time. Soon. Very soon. I will be ready.  |
| This was my first Shabbat since I have lived here that I did not have to work. I made dinner and stayed home. I didn't feel rushed. I made amazing honey glazed chicken and had a beautiful Shabbat dinner. For the first time, I didn't feel stressed when I read the Friday night kiddush. I pronounced the words in Hebrew well and only stumbled on a couple of words. That's good for me. I have always struggled with saying kiddush. Thank you GZ for building my confidence in my Hebrew ability. I've really enjoyed lighting the Chanukah candles this year. It is definitely different getting to light real candles compared to my electric one that I had last year. I still have my electric one as decoration on my kitchen table, but lighting the Chanukah candles every night brings a sense of peace to my soul that the electric one does not. I played dreidel for the first time. I struggled spinning the big heavy one, but the small ones I can spin no problem. It is quite relaxing and addicting to just spin the dreidel. I did get to go to the giant menorah lighting. It was inside a building, which was not expected, but it was a lot of fun. There was a magician at this one. There is one tomorrow that is outside in a park and there will a fire show! I was worried that Chanukah would be a holiday for children, and there are some aspects that are for children. However, it is a holiday that is filled with light and magic because of the meaning behind it. If I was a child experiencing Chanukah for the first time, that meaning would be lost in the activities and the childhood fun. The gatherings and activities, while they are fun, are only an addition to the meaning and the message behind Chanukah. G-d still does miracles every day. Every time I light the Chanukah candles, I get to remember the miracle of the oil, yes, but also the miracles all around me that I get to witness every day of my life. I am thankful that I get to experience Chanukah with my community at this point in my spiritual journey. Thank you G-d for this Shabbat and for the extra love, light, and peace that you have given me this week.   |
| Hello, my name is Jeanette, and I am addicted to learning. One day, just one day, we are not supposed to study Torah. Do you know how many times within that day I forgot and had to stop learning? Not once. Not twice. Multiple times. I understand the reasoning behind not learning on Xmas. I understand that learning Torah and Torah values illuminates the world and that is not a good day to illuminate. Do you know how many pagan festivals Xmas is derived from? However, putting that understanding into practice is not easy. I started reading the book next to my bed when I woke up. I listened to a Chabad video on YouTube when it came across my notifications. I turned on an Ark Online video. I had to catch myself repeatedly. I did try hard to not think about studying. What did I do most of the day Xmas Eve so I didn't study? Shop, of course! It turns out that learning is a lot less expensive, even when paying teachers to teach. I'm going to have to come up with a new strategy next year so my bank account doesn't cry. The big question that everyone asks, "Did you eat Chinese food on Xmas?" Yes, I did. It was very good leftovers from Xmas Eve. I got lucky and got an order in. The one kosher Chinese restaurant starts taking orders two weeks in advance for Xmas day! Although it was very delicious (and enjoyed with a wonderful friend) it would be easier (and less painful for my bank account) if I just make it at home myself. I haven't attempted to make my own crab rangoons yet, but I could have them perfected by this time next year. I volunteered a couple of hours at Chanukah Wonderland. There was a giant bounce house that was a dreidel. It was the coolest thing ever! It looked like this: https://www.jewfadz.com/dreidel-bouncehouse.html?srsltid=AfmBOoqdh8nf3CBrFtBxtqk... I imagined myself as a kid loving every second of it. Even with all of the cool crafts and exciting events (making olive oil out of real olives!), I would have spent a lot of time in that thing. I made latkes for when my daughter A1 comes to visit. I think I want to try a different oil to see if they taste differently. They were good, but I don't think they are perfect yet. Picture attached below. Today was the start of Chanukah, and for the first time, I lit real candles. I was not allowed to have real candles at my old apartment. There is something magical about the light of real candles and real flames. I didn't remember that I couldn't work during the time that the menorah was lit, and I cooked the latkes during that time.  I have my menorah on the right side of the door because I do not have a mezuzah. As I write this, I am now wondering if it is on the correct right side of the doorway. The right side coming into the house (since the mezuzah would be on the outside) or the right side of the doorway on the inside (like I have it) because it is on the inside of the house looking out to the street. Now I am overthinking. Way overthinking.  Picture below.Happy Chanukah!    |
| Christmas is coming up this week. My children haven't said anything this year about missing it. Instead, they have wished me a Happy Hanukkah. My oldest daughter, A1, is coming to join me for Shabbat and some Hanukkah celebrations with me. It will be my first full Hanukkah. Last year, I was only able to light the Menorah and that was it. This year, I am working at Hanukkah Wonderland. I'll never have the excitement of a child because I never experienced this as a child, but I'm hoping that watching and helping other children have the experience will give me at least of taste of what I've missed. I want to go to a Menorah lighting at least once this year. I almost drove across state last year to see one, but didn't quite get the opportunity like I had hoped. Living in the community is nice because I get to hear about the little traditions that I never would have heard before. Also the rules of Hanukkah that I have never heard and certainly never thought about. Because the Jewish faith wants to keep pure and have no sign of idol worship, like worshiping a person as a god, there are laws on Christmas Eve. There is no studying of Torah on Christmas Eve. Studying the Torah could give the impression of believing in the "nativity." To me it makes sense. The same way that men not shaving the hair by their ears makes sense. I'm hoping for a nice Hanukkah. |
| The 19th of Kislev is a holiday only for Chabad. This is the day that the Alter Rebbe was released from prison in Russia. He taught everyday Jews how to be Jews. He is the founder of Chabad and Hasidic Judaism. Today I went to a Farbrengen and dinner to celebrate the today. I learned that it is not only the liberation of the Alter Rebbe, but it is also the Chabad New Year in the sense that those who studies Tanya finished it and will now begin again. It is a fresh start to being a new person. It was a good dinner and enjoyed the company. I admit that I didn't understand everything that was said, but some of the stories were good. The food was good even though I did get picked on for not eating the tomatoes or mushrooms. After not eating the box of cookies that I was given earlier this week, I can say that I enjoyed kosher cookies for desert. It was a good night with a little learning and little bit of good music and a lot of good company. |
| I moved to the community to be more observant. This means that I am staying kosher at work as well as at home. It is not hard to do most of the time. Access to kosher food is so much easier here in the community than it was in the middle of the country. There has an overflowing amount of Christmas activities and group events to show Christmas spirit at work. I, of course, do not celebrate Christmas. I made snowmen for my classroom door and did a winter themed word scramble, and I even signed a card with the inscription "Happy Holidays." However, I could not drink the hot cocoa that was brought around because it was not kosher. I could not eat the candy cane they wanted to give me either. I feel bad, like I'm ruining their happiness by not accepting these things, but I can't. Yesterday a colleague brought me a box of cookies. She knows a little bit about kosher laws because she worked in a Jewish school. However, she doesn't know them all. She had previously tried to give me a candy bar that wasn't kosher and caught her mistake before she handed it to me. The box of cookies had a lovely inscription that said, "Happy Hanukkah." It was sweet. The cookies were decorated in blue and white with pretty sprinkles and swirly frosting. They were wrapped sealed with one or two in each pack. However, there was no kosher symbol on any of the clear packages, so I couldn't eat them. I gave them to my students. I feel so guilty. Like not accepting these things makes me a hypocrite. I eat kosher food. My kitchen is set up (the best that I know how) to keep the food I cook kosher. I buy kosher food from the store. I cook that kosher food in my kitchen. However, once I cook it, it is no longer kosher. My dishes are not kosher. I am still converting, so I am not a Jew. I cannot cook kosher food without it becoming treif (not kosher). Even though I understand that I am living as a Jew (the best that I know how). Every time I turn down someone else's food, I feel like a hypocrite. I don't want to eat non-kosher, but I don't want to be a hypocrite either. |
| I admit that I have been very overwhelmed with life lately. There have been times that I wish I could just sleep and study. However, I can't, and I need to get the balance between studying, living life here, events in the community, classes, and friends. I love learning, and there are times that I put off things that I shouldn't just to study a little bit longer or take one more class. My Hebrew is getting better. I am getting over my fear of my own voice and starting to make attempts even if I'm not sure that I am going to be correct. I'm usually close if I'm not correct, which is good. I can answer basic questions, put simple sentences together and read with nikkud. I have learned quite a bit in my classes with the Rabbi who laughs. Not only has he cleared up some misconceptions that I had, but I have learned things that I could put into practice right away. I get a bit discouraged that some things I can't do yet, since I am still just converting, but he finds a way to teach me things and help me apply those things in real life. It's nice. Not that I don't still mess up on Shabbos. I know I do, but that's kind of the point right now. I know when I do something that I shouldn't have done, I know how to fix it, and I know what to do to make sure I don't do it again next time. I enjoy learning about the kitchen and how keep everything kosher. While my friend was away, I learned right from the Shulchan Aruch with the Rabbi who laughs. I really enjoy learning from it. It is straight forward and so in depth. I'm taking a class on relationships. I was afraid to take it at first because I have no reason to take a class on intimate relationships, but it isn't like that. It is how to improve every kind of relationship. The women's group also has classes on prayer that I have taking once a month. I love that these classes have text from the Torah (Old Testament), poetry, and writings in Hebrew first and then translated into English. These tiny golden nuggets of Jewish wisdom in Hebrew is what drew me into studying Judaism so heavily. Hanukkah is coming up soon. It actually starts Christmas night. I lit my electric menorah last year, and that was really my only Hanukkah experience. This year is already different. I helped set up a bit for the Hanukkah Wonderland. It is a kids event that celebrates Hanukkah. There is a wall with large storyboards that tell the Hanukkah story in a way that kids can understand it. I wasn't excited for Hanukkah last year. I am this year. Living in the community is different. I will get to see how it is celebrated by families with children. I will get to light a real menorah. Hanukkah is everywhere here, and I love it. Life is sometimes overwhelming here. There are things that I miss because I am so busy working and studying. I still haven't had the chance to bake challah since I've moved here. I miss it. I love that I can go to the store at the corner and buy a fresh kosher loaf, but I miss making my own too. There were some kosher coconut bites that I bought on my way home when I lived three hours away, and I can't find them here. It's crazy because I can find everything that I struggled to find before I moved here. I love that I can get non-diary ranch, matzah, kosher mints glatt kosher meat, multiple kinds of kosher cheese, and kosher grape juice at so many different places. Why do I miss that one little thing that I can't find here? I don't know, but I do. Perhaps its the fact that winter is here, the nights are long, and days are short that has me feeling overwhelmed. Making it home in time to light candles on Shabbat is the thing that stays in the forefront of my mind every Friday. The wondering if I have everything I need for Shabbat dinner or the time to make it to whosever house I am eating at, or if I have the house prepared for Shabbat, and if I called and messaged my kids before turning off my phone for the night. It's a lot. But then Shabbat starts and there is a peace that I've never known before. Focusing on the dinner either alone or with friends is all that matters. It's a happy time, peaceful. I long for it and miss it when its over. Perhaps it is the end of the semester approaching and I still have 3 lessons to teach, review to do, and an exam to give. Perhaps its because I haven't heard from the Beit Din in months, not that I expect to hear from them or see them often. I just don't want to be forgotten, because I do want to convert. That hasn't changed. Perhaps it is the wars. The middle east used to feel so far away. It is literally the other side of the world. It doesn't feel so far away anymore. I say Tehillim (Psalms) for the soldiers and the hostages two times a week (or more). My email is flooded with stories of the war and the expansion of the war. Syria has fallen and is being taken over by rebels (good or bad?). Germany has government issues. Then there is Gaza, Lebanon, the UAE, Egypt, Iran, and the list goes on and on. All of these wars and issues in other countries never bothered me before, but when my world became bigger and my friendships became more diverse, the Earth became small. I know that Hashem is in control and he will have in power who he wants in power (even here in the US) and we can trust that he will do what is best for us. Life does sometimes feel overwhelming right now, but when I get this feeling, I stop and say a prayer. Praying is the one thing that has never changed and never will. I know where to find peace. I know where to find guidance. I know where to find strength to keep going. G-d is still my everything. I will always turn to him and find my refuge. Life can be a lot, but there's G-d. |
| I had my first Friday night Shabbat dinner at home a couple of weeks ago. It was nice, but it was not the same. I was so tired and just wanted to be able to go to bed early. I lit my candles and sang alone to bring in Shabbat. I said Kiddush (which I still struggle with) and ate alone. It was quiet. I stayed home from shul and prayed at home. I read the Torah portion at home as well. I missed synagogue, a lot. I slept a lot. When I didn't show up at synagogue, I had a friend stop by to check on me. Talking with her was the longest I stayed up that day. After Shabbat ended, I received a lot of text messages asking if I was okay. Being in a community is definitely different from what I am used to. I'm not used to so many people checking on me when I'm sick, or anyone other than my children. There is a lot of adjustment. I try to make it shul by a certain time because I know if I am late (which I have been from talking to someone in the community) that it will be noticed and people will worry. Before moving here, missing a week wasn't anything because they knew that I drove so far, and we didn't have the close relationships like we do now. My life right now revolves around my learning. Hebrew lessons 3 days a week, lessons on keeping a kosher kitchen and Shabbat 2 days a week, a class on relationships 1 day a week, a class on Isaiah and Psalms 1 day a week each, plus community events and Shabbat. Honestly, I don't want it to change. I like the learning and I like my focus on what I'm learning. Will I have Shabbat dinner alone again this week? I don't know. But whether I am spending the evening with friends or lighting candles in my own dining room, the love for Shabbat will be the same. I do love it here, and my decision, again, is to stay. |
| Today is day 411 that the hostages have been in captivity. I was in synagogue during part of the October 7th massacre in Israel. I heard about it as I was walking on the sidewalk in front of the synagogue. The guard was listening to the news broadcast and keeping people updated. I remember feeling sad, lost and helpless. For weeks afterwards, people asked me if I was sure I wanted to convert. My response was always yes. On Sunday, I watched the movie We Will Dance Again. It is a documentary on the massacre that occurred at the Nova music festival. I had seen quite a bit of the footage already, but seeing it laid out in a timeline with even more footage of the before which I had not seen), more of the during, and more of the after was really hard. It helped me understand the true brutality and evilness of Hamas and all of those that participated in killing innocent, unarmed women, men, and children. I still don't understand how someone can hate like that, but I do understand that hate only understands hate. It doesn't matter your race, religion (multiple Muslims were tortured and executed as well), language, gender, age, job title, level of innocence, faith, allegiance, character, or contribution to the world because hate doesn't care. Hate only understands hate, and all that stand in its way of destruction and depravity suffer from it. Hate only wants to hate and can't even comprehend what is like not to hate someone. I can't imagine living like that. I can't imagine wanting to live like that or celebrate living like that. On Monday, I went to the Nova exhibit. It contained footage and recordings that I had already seen for the most part, but it also contained actual items from the Nova festival. After seeing the movie, the exhibit was a bit much. There were two burned up cars that came from the Nova festival. I knew that they had contained bodies, because the movie the day before said that every single shot up and burned car contained dead bodies. It was impossible to not step on the cars' burnt ash. Then at the end was a wall with the hostages pictures. There was a video of Hersh's mother talking. It was only day one hundred and something. She didn't know at that time that he would be murdered by his captors right before being rescued. His picture was on the wall. Also on the wall was the photo of Ori Danino who was taken hostage when he went back to try to rescue friends. He was killed along with Hersh. That was honestly a little too much. Over the past couple of days, I have dealt with sadness, grief, anger, a lot of anger, disbelief, confusion, sorrow, and a lot of questions. At the end of each day, though, I say, "G-d, I don't understand at all, but I trust you, and I love you." Do I understand why people keep asking me if I am sure about this conversion. Yes, I understand. However, we don't get to choose how we die, but we do get to choose how we live. I have never had such a close relationship with G-d like I do now. I love my close relationship with G-d. That alone is enough reason for me. |
| There are two things that happened this weekend that I need to mention. It seems this journey, regardless of how long I have been on it, has twists and unexpected surprises and experiences. 1. My daughter, A1, came over to spend the night. She wanted to come over on a Friday night, which is the beginning of Shabbat. On Friday morning, the Rabbi's wife texted me and asked me to come to dinner. I messaged my daughter and asked her if she was up for having dinner at the Rabbi's house. She said she it would be okay. Up to this point, she has seen me light candles on Shabbat, but that is it. She never attended a Friday night dinner, never heard kiddush, and never washed for bread. She willingly crashed coursed her way through it. She was a bit overwhelmed by the amount of people there, and I worked to get her mind off of that part and enjoy listening to the talk, the food, and the singing. She helped with the set-up of the food. She ate without complaining. She stood for kiddush and attentively listened (even though she didn't understand anything the Rabbi said in Hebrew or Yiddish). She washed her hands (with help on what to do and what to say). She answered questions and was polite. She was overwhelmed by the fact that we were there for 5 hours. She has never had a dinner last that long. I apparently warned her of the amount of people, but not the length of time that dinner would take. She was tired when we left, but didn't complain when we stopped at one of my friend's houses on the way home. She talked, relaxed there, and played with the dog. We stayed there for about an hour before leaving. She accepted an invitation to come back next month during one of the nights of Hanukkah. It was her first experience with Shabbat (besides seeing me light candles when I first started). I asked her what she thought about it. I told her to let it sink in and the next day to tell me her honest opinion. This is what she messaged me the next day. "My opinion is that you're happy, and that makes me happy. You've found a family that you belong in and found a lifestyle that works for you. I enjoyed spending time with you and experiencing that with you. I look forward to next month." I love you A1, and I am so blessed that you are my daughter. 2. I attended two classes this morning. One with the Rabbi who laughs on keeping a Shabbos Kitchen, and one with the Rabbi that glows on relationships. These Rabbis and these classes are one of the reasons why I fell in love with Judaism. I love the constant reference to the Torah as to why we should do things a certain way and to why we should behave a certain way. Keeping a Shabbos kitchen isn't all about what you should do and what you shouldn't do, even though that is certainly part of it, but there is so many reasons why we do what we do or don't do what we don't do, and it all goes back to the Torah. I love that the Rabbi who laughs always brings things back to the Torah as the main reason why any rule is in place. The second Rabbi's class is only a few weeks long, but every key point referred to verses in the Torah as to why that attribute is important to possess and who showed that attribute in the Torah. On a weekend where I thought my personal life was going to be the main focus of the weekend, I am spiritually fulfilled today by the teachings of the Torah. The love of the Torah and being able to dive deeper into its meanings are why I wanted to learn about Judaism in the first place. The more that I learn, the more I want to learn. because the more I learn, the more that spirit feels full. The best way to describe the way that I feel when I attend a Jewish class full of Jewish wisdom is like this: Imagine you lost the keys to your house, not only the front door key, but every room key, every drawer key, every key to every appliance, and every key to every window. Then imagine that many, many years later you are offered a key to one of your drawers. You open the drawer and relish in the contents. That is how I feel after one class. I opened a drawer and get to relish in its contents. My entire conversion journey is like a house where every door is locked, every drawer is locked, and every appliance is locked. As I go through the learning of the kitchen, go through the holidays, and attend classes on Torah and Jewish Wisdom, I unlock another thing all the while growing closer to the owner of the house, Hashem. Today I feel as though I unlocked an entire room that full of books that I now get to read and enjoy and learn from. Why can't I be just a B'nei Noach and why do I need to convert? Because it's the people that you have in your house that makes it a home. My daughter is right. I am happy. I am also extremely thankful to Hashem for being able to do this. I understand that this life is not for everyone, but it is for me. I thank Hashem every day for being here in this moment at this time and able to do this ang to get closer to him. Tonight I am going to the JCC (Jewish Community Center) to watch a movie on the October 7 massacre. After the movie, the director will be answering questions, and then one of the survivors of the Nova festival will be there to speak. I've been waiting for two weeks for this event, and now I don't know if I'm ready for it. |
| This entry is just a learning dump. I've learned a few things over the past couple of months and I don't know if I have written them down yet. 1. The 100 blessings a day is from King David when he said that his day was complete after blessing Hashem 100 times. It is possible to do so every day if you say the morning blessings and prayers, the Sacharite, Mincha, and Maariv, the bathroom prayer, each time you eat, and when retiring at night. It is not a meaningless something to do just because, but is a check to make sure you do all of your prayers each day. 2. I learned that there is a phrase you say during the repetition of the Amidah. I took my Siddur to shul last Shabbat so that I could mark the places. It just happened to be Rosh Chodesh, so we did not do the regular Amidah. I marked the places for that prayer anyway, and I will take it again next week. 3. The significance of the number 3 in Judaism comes from the classification of the 3 types of Jews: Kohanim, Levite, and Israel (everyone else). 4. Shechinah means the Devine Presence, not that I fully understand what that means. 5. Rosh Chodesh is supposed to be a women's holiday (every month) where women do less work or not work at all. I haven't heard of this, and I don't think anyone in my community follows this custom. If they do, I haven't heard about it. |
| When I started this journey, I did not know a lot of things. I never expected things to turn out the way that they are. Every day is planned around work and conversion classes. On days like today when my classes are cancelled, I get to do things that I haven't gotten a chance to do. I cleaned the kitchen, took out the garbage, mopped the floor, cleaned the shower, folded that overflowing basket of laundry (Finally!!!), and took a call from a friend who is converting to answer questions about a kosher kitchen, finished my prayer and thankfulness vision board, studied Hebrew, and danced around my house singing. Living in the community is a lot different than living where I was living before. I have access to a lot of kosher food, which makes me very happy. I get to attend all of the holiday services, and I love the prayers for the holidays. They are beautiful. I get to study with the Rabbis in person instead of remotely. That is nice, because I can ask questions. I get to attend other events. I get to hang out with my friends in the community. Also, after a day of shopping (with a friend), I get to go to a kosher restaurant and eat delicious food. I get to walk to shul every Shabbat and holiday. Most importantly, I get to learn every day. I'm learning where to shop for food I like to cook and clothes that I can afford. I'm getting my prescriptions filled, and taking my car in to get it fixed. I'm learning when the traffic is bad and when it is closer to what I am used to. I'm learning what I need to buy for my kitchen for it to run a little smoother. I'm staring to settle in and get back to some of the routines that I had gotten down before moving to the community. As I focus on adding a new observance, it takes a bit to adjust and makes me miss some things that I had already done. I'm back to saying the Modeh Ani when I wake, then wash my hands before touching my face or eyes (took a lot of concentration to get that one down), saying my morning blessings and prayers, and saying the bruchas before and after I eat throughout the day. I like living here in the community and I like the ability to be more observant. Thank you Hashem for leading me here and sustaining me here. I love you. |
| The high holidays are over. Simchat Torah is a holiday that celebrates the love of Torah, the love of Hashem, and the love of being a Jew. I feel that I am blessed to look at Simchat Torah with a different lens than everyone else I know. Last year was my first year experiencing Simchat Torah. On that day, 1200 people were murdered by terrorists and over 200 were taken captive. 120 still remain captive. That day was approximately my 6th time attending synagogue. I would have to look back in journal to that time to see exactly, but I know it wasn't long that I had attended. People asked me for months after if I was sure that I wanted to convert. Why do I not just stay B'nei Noach? After Simchat Torah, it is easier to explain. One year ago, I watched as those people that I was just getting to know wept for people they had never met that were killed and worried about those that they knew that could have been in danger come together and pray. I also saw them joyful and celebrate their heritage and the Torah. I saw them finish reading the Torah and begin again. They prayed, they questioned, they anxiously waited news, they read the Torah, and they celebrated the Torah. It was an experience that I had never had in my life. Since that day, as a woman who just showed up one day and never left, I have been accepted and loved. I have watched them (and participated) pray for hours on end. I have seen them weep, fundraise, and do all they can for those that died, those that remain in captivity, and those that are fighting for their freedom. All of this was done with words from the Tanach and complete faith in G-d. Over the past year, I have also seen them celebrate what it means to be Jewish. I have seen them celebrate their love and friendship for one another. I have seen them remember those that couldn't make it to pray in the synagogue by creating and delivering packages on holidays, as well as celebrate each other's successes, joys, life cycles, and accomplishments. All of this celebrating was done with words from the Torah and thanksgiving to G-d. This year on Simchat Torah, I saw them remember the 1200 that died that day in a very moving and memorable way. They prayed for them, they did mitzvas in honor of them, and they danced with them while dancing with the Torah scrolls. I also saw them pray for hours blessing G-d, thanking G-d, and petitioning for G-d to intervene in their lives and in the land of Israel. Just like last year, they grabbed my hand and asked me to dance with them. They taught me the songs that I did not know. They gave me a bracelet that says, "JEWISH WOMEN UNITE." They welcomed me to the tribe. (Their actual words). It was this Simchat Torah that gave me clarity of words as to why I not only want to study Judaism (which I admit fully that I love doing), but also to be a Jew. I have never known anyone who loves the Torah, the Tanach, and all of G-d's word as much as me, until now. I have never known anyone else that wants to show G-d's love like I do, until now. I have never known anyone who is so supportive of others just because they are who they are, until now. There is no group of people that I know who want to serve G-d as much these people. I grew up wondering why I was so different than everyone else. I dressed different. I thought different. I acted different. I never understood why there wasn't anyone out there like me. Simchat Torah is the day that shows me that I am not different than everyone else. I was just around the wrong people. There are people like me. Wonderful and amazing people that I am so blessed to know and to meet (some even just once). In fact, there is an entire nation of people who are like me. When I stand before the throne of G-d and am judged, there is no other people that I want to stand with other than the Jewish nation. |
| Starting Wednesday night is the last of the high holidays. My students missed me and were happy that I was back today. Unfortunately, it is only for two days because of the next holiday. I did assure them that I wouldn't miss again until March. They seemed happy about that. They were afraid that I had gotten another job and moved away. There was an email sent of Friday that there is a "Scare" event on Wednesday night and all salary staff were expected to be there. I didn't get the email until Monday because I didn't have technology until then. I had to send an email saying that due to a religious holiday, I could not work the event. I offered to work during my prep and after school today to make up the hours. I forwarded the email to my dean and he said that it was fine. I stayed after work today working until 7. I'm hoping that is enough to appease them. I'm hoping that there will not be an issue with Shabbat in the future. Especially after taking off 4 days this month for the high holidays. I've been studying a lot around working and the holidays. My friend AB from another state calls me and read and discuss the Laws of Brachos. I study Shulchan Aruch with a friend that I met at shul over a year ago and got close to. She and I meet once a week, or at least we try to. I study twice a week (again after the high holidays) with one of the Rabbis at my shul. He is funny and makes me laugh a lot. He's started defining the Yiddish words when we come across them without me having to ask. I appreciate that. I meet with GZ multiple days a week to study Hebrew. We also go over the Hebrew part of the Shulchan Aruch to make sure I'm not missing anything in the translation. He also has classes on Psalms and Isaiah which I love. My favorite thing that I've learned over the past couple of weeks is in the Shulchan Aruch. There is a section on Mezuzahs. There is a line (Siman 11 section 23) that just makes me say, "Wow!" It is powerful and highlights the entire reason that I started this journey in the first place, to get closer to Hashem. Before the weekend of rejoicing over the Torah, I just want to say how thankful I am to Hashem for bringing me here to this point of my life. I love you with all that I am. |
| We are now in the midst of the holiday of Sukkot. It started on Wednesday at sundown and will end with the holiday of Shemini Atzeret and Simchat Torah. The first two days of Sukkot and the last two days of Sukkot (Shemini Atzeret and Simchat Torah) are non work days. Since they started on Wednesday at sundown, they ended when Shabbat began. There has two weeks this month that I have had a three-day holiday start on a Wednesday and there will be one more. Three-day holidays have been the talk of the ladies at my shul for the past year. I didn't understand the dread until this month. A holiday starting on a weekday is stressful enough with work and meetings before making it home with little time to prepare the house before candle lighting. I haven't had to cook, so I can't imagine cooking for a three-day holiday in addition to preparing the house. There is so much to remember and prepare for. There is no spending money or conducting business during a holiday. If an ingredient is forgotten, there is no making the dish for the holiday. If the wine runs out before the end of the holiday, there is no wine for Kiddush. That's just the beginning. There is no turning on lights or lighting a flame (the stove has to be lit already and stay on), no doing laundry, no cleaning, no doing dishes, no form of work at all. That also means, no tearing toilet paper. I have read about the toilet paper in the Shulchan Aruch and in the Shabbos Kitchen, but still don't understand it. I, however, do make sure that I have pre-ripped toilet paper for Shabbat and for holidays. A three-day holiday is a unique challenge. That can be a lot of toilet paper for one person, let alone if you host a dinner. I did not have time this week to prepare toilet paper for the three-day holiday and was left with whatever had I pre-ripped last holiday. I didn't run out, but it was close. I was nervous. I noticed that once a holiday begins, and I am not able to clean, I notice everything that is wrong with my apartment. It's not only the laundry that I didn't get folded. It's the floor that I didn't get mopped, the soap on the edges of the tub, the cobweb in the corner of the room, that one cup that didn't make it into the dishwasher, and on and on. It's stressful, because I have to stare at those little things for days knowing that I can't do anything about it. Then I worry that someone will come over and see how messy I am. I can hear my friends now telling me not to be so hard on myself, and that their homes are not perfect, and that they do forget things. They, after all, have years of experience, and I'm just learning. But that's the thing, I am just learning. I am learning in hopes of one day being a Jew. There were two instances that really hit me hard over the holiday, and I still haven't fully moved on from them. First, I need to say that it wasn't a person in the community that made me feel this way. As a strange woman who just showed up one day and never left, the women of this community have been nothing but loving, helpful, supportive, and welcoming. The people stress over asking me to do something as a goy (non-Jew), because they know that I try hard to be observant. Some even forget the fact that I am not a Jew (their words, not mine). It these moments that make me feel welcomed and accepted. I have been told, "Welcome to the tribe," on more than one occasion. The problem with that is the fact that I am not a part of the tribe yet. That became blatantly clear on these two occasions. The first was on Thursday. During the holiday service, the people go outside and shake the lulav and esrog in the sukkah. Someone who doesn't own one has to be "gifted" one by someone else. I watched as they shook the lulav and esrog and smelled the esrog. I was asked if I wanted to do it, and I said that I didn't think I could. When asked by someone if I would like their lulav and esrog, I said, "No, thank you," and someone said, "She can't. She's not a Jew." It's not the fact that I didn't do it, or even smell it (which I really wanted to do), or the words that confirmed my non-Jewish state; it's the fact that I was afraid to even touch them to smell them because I didn't want to touch something used for a holy purpose and defile them with my non-Jewish hands. And the fact that if I did do it, it wouldn't hold the same meaning to G-d that it would when everyone else in that tent did it. Seeing the joy on their faces as they shook the lulav and esrog, and wanting to know what it even smelled like made me feel so small and dumb. I took two days off of work because I am choosing this observance. I felt stupid and like an imposter. I was there because I chose to be there over doing anything else. I know that there is a certain significance in that, but it is after all, just a choice. That brings me to the second instance. It was after Minchah and Maariv prayers that we lit candles in the basement before going on the Sukkah Hop. I have lit candles for over a year. However, it was in that group of women where one young lady was helping the other young ladies and said after we lit, "Now you can ask G-d for anything. Share with G-d your hopes and dreams." It hit me hard. I have always prayed for my children, for friends, for the hostages, and for the soldiers during that time. Maybe it was the way that she said it, but all I could think is that there is only one that I want, to be a Jew. I couldn't break down in front of all those women, so I quickly prayed for my normal list of people and left the room. All the sukkahs that I was in were wonderful. All the food I was offered was delicious. It was fun going from sukkah to sukkah and seeing the different designs, hearing the laughter, and being with friends. If someone told me a year ago that I'd be sitting in a hut (multiple huts) with my coat on, in the dark or cold afternoon, fighting off bees, and enjoying every minute of it, I would have thought they were nuts. I did enjoy it. Even the bee entertainment. It was truly an amazing holiday. Why then have not gotten over those two instances? I don't know. |
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