I was born a poor Californian to a family of feral moose living in a Saguaro cactus behind a Taco Bell in Scottsdale, Arizona. Once I was old enough to pick up a fork I worked in the salt and pepper mines. Through diligence, hard work, and murder I worked my way up to the second assistant to the deputy of the assistant to the foreman. From there I moved to La Jolla, California, and got a job correcting typos in Chinese restaurant menus. Since then I have held a wide variety of jobs such as elk whisperer, friend-zone coordinator, and Calfornia certified thatched roof inspector.