A Letter to Exxon

-Yes, this letter was really mailed to Exxon.



Dear Mr. Lee R. Raymond C.E.O.,

I am interested in applying for the position of C.E.O or C.O.O. or President, Emperor or whatever you call it. Now I know I don’t have much, well check that… ANY experience running a company of your size… or any company of any size really, but I know I will make a fantastic Supreme Exalted Ruler of Exxon. Actually not having any previous experience could be seen as a plus, I don’t have any bad habits to break, except sleeping in late and playing a TON of X-Box but I can work on that – lets think positive here “Mr. glass is half empty”.

As of late (say the last 10 – 12 years), the oil industry has gotten a bad rap for many different reasons, pollution, price gouging, war in Iraq just to name a few. Now between you and me I couldn’t care less about some dumb, oil covered, sea otter or the elk that roam vast, untapped, expanses of oil rich lands, but we have to deal with John Q Public and Mr. Public tends to get all uppity when he sees oil caked sea gulls flopping around on the beach. Oh please, cry me a river, so you spilled a little oil, it is a natural product people! Geeze. Anyway, as I was saying the oil companies have gotten a bad rap and now there is a push towards “alternative fuel” sources… electric cars, hydrogen, magic fairy dust…etc. These hippies make me sick, lets see how their “alternative fuel” works out when we turn off the petroleum tap – welcome to the stone age tree hugger.

What your company needs is a new image. People in my generation have a perception that heads of the oil companies are run by cigar smoking fat cats like J.D. Rockafeller or Bill Cosby. You need someone at the helm whom young people relate too, like that “dude you’re getting a Dell” guy. Your advertising campaign with the tiger is ok, but come on, it’s a bit too “Frosted Flakes” or “Tony the Tiger” for the worlds most profitable company don’t you think? It’s time to win the hearts and minds of America by way of a new corporate image – a younger, friendlier, hipper image and I’m the guy to do it. Just the other day this girl said to me “Tom, your sure are friendly and hip”. Ok that didn’t happen, but I could tell she was thinking it.

I’m thinking we do an ad campaign where the camera cuts to some tree huggers rock climbing or something ‘eco friendly’ – picture Monument Valley. Two “rainbow warriors” are in mid conversation about the ‘evil oil companies’ and ‘corporate domination’ etc just as they are cresting the top of the giant spire they are climbing. As they getting on their feet on the top of this enormous rock, their I am sitting in a beach chair drinking some kind of a frozen boat drink with a blender next to me. I point out to these misguided youth that they have it all wrong and petroleum companies (mainly Exxon) are responsible for many of the wonderful things we have in our life. Then I point out all the climbing gear that they are wearing that’s made with petroleum. Shoes, gloves, stupid hippie Lycra shorts and shirt they are wearing, even their climbing rope. Cut to hippies nodding in approval with new look of understanding on faces. One says “Boy Tom, you’re right. I guess we were just ‘petrol-a-dum’” – we all laugh. Cut scene to me firing up gas powered generator and starting blender with cool rock music blaring. Helicopter shot of all three of us kicking it in lounge chairs on top of this unreal rock drinking frozen drinks while hot chicks in bikinis are dancing around, grilling fat steaks on a gas powered grill. Graphic comes on screen and reads “Don’t be Petrol-a-dum” then bigger graphic pops up and reads “Oil Makes the World Go Round” – fade out - end.

Huh? Can you picture it? Nice right? And that’s just ONE idea, I have tons more.

I have another one that puts a positive spin on what the liberal media labels as a “horrific ecological disaster” – we call an “oil spill” or better yet, simply “an accident”. I can’t wait to tell you about it. Ok here it is. Picture a somber ‘Joe Exxon Engineer’ walking down a gray, Alaskan beach surveying the damage after an “accident” he looks down to find a dead, oil soaked, otter. Cut to tight face shot – tear in his eye. Then we hear a whimpering or ‘puppy whining’ sound. (Up lifting music) Joe Exxon spots 2 baby otters a few yards away– the pups of the dead, oil covered mother. Joe scoops them up and gently places them in his jacket against his chest. Cut to Joe climbing into helicopter parked on the beach. (SuperTramp’s “Give a little bit” comes on) Cut scenes of Joe Engineer at home bottle feeing baby otters, otter growing up, playing, funny, sleeping with Joe and his wife in their bed. Otters are now adult. Next scene is helicopter landing on the exact same beach but it’s a beautiful sunny day and the beach is pristine. Joe emerges from helicopter with wife and walks to the shore. Joe and wife release otters back to wild – (SuperTramp is still playing). Otters frolic in water. Graphic and narrative voice says “Exxon, giving a little bit” pause “We’re part of your world”. – End.

Warm and fuzzy – that’s how I feel right now and I know you do too!

Please contact me as soon as possible so we can begin capturing America’s heart ASAP.

While I have you, seeing as though you are the most profitable company on earth, do you think you can send me an Exxon shirt (XL) or any other Exxon paraphernalia you can spare?

Thank you for your consideration regarding this matter. I anxiously await your response.


Respectively,



Tom Anderson
(480) 751-XXXX

XXXXX E Joshua Tree
Scottsdale, AZ 852XX