Hi. My Name is Fred. Johnson.

Fred Johnson

By: Fred Johnson
Edited By: Vincent Cheng

Hi. My name is Fred. Fred Johnson. This is my first book. It is an autobiography. It is about my life. I will start from the beginning. That is, since I remember. Because I do not remember when I was a baby. That was too early for me. Does anybody remember when they were baby? I didn’t. I don’t remember any of it.
So I will start from the time I was five. Five is a nice age because you aren’t very old. I wasn’t very old when I was five. I was five.
I was a young boy and I liked to play. I had some friends. But one of them was a cannibal. I once witnessed him devour a teacher. I think the whole class saw that. It was an occurrence. I also remember when my best friend who had the name Alfred burst into a flame. I didn’t set him on fire. He just burst into a fire. I remember it was warm.
So then I became six. I think it was during my birthday party. It is amazing to me how you turn a year older every time it is your birthday. That is a huge coincidence. It happens to my friends too. They are not as interested in it as I am though. It is the coolness with me.
When I was six I stepped on a frog. The time I stepped on that frog is very clear to me. I think I still have it. But I don’t know where the shoe is. I think my dad ate it. We were a poor family and he said he just could not keep up the mortgage on the shoe. I don’t know what a mortgage is. But I think it would taste good with sauce. The mortgage I mean.
The ages up to ten are much the same. Perhaps though, not as much frog stepping.
When I was ten, my friend who was a cannibal was arrested. I acknowledged that. He said he would be back for me. I think he is close friend because he said no matter where I was he would find me. Inseparable, that’s what we are.
When I was ten I remember meeting some guy who fell from the sky. He got up and said that his name was Samuel God. He asked me if I had heard of a man named God before. I said that I had. He nodded and turned my left arm into pure gold then turned it back to an arm. Then he went away back up. I still remember that. I think that it left an impression on me.
Things really started getting different when I was sixteen. I got my first car but it was a goat. It didn’t go very fast and when I tried to fill it up with gas it died. I didn’t get very far on it and did not pick up any babes. I wanted a babes.
When I was seventeen I met a man who said he was the Prime Minister of Thailand. He gave me an elephant and left. I asked Mr.Ministerofthailand if I could keep it but he had already left. I don’t think he heard me. So I stopped talking. Because I began to realize he couldn’t hear me. I think I still have the elephant. It is probably lost somewhere like my frog.
When I was twenty-three I got my first job at a sock making company. I made socks. There were many of us and we all made socks for the company. I remember every sock I made. I ate some. I met a man there who had forty heads. He was a nice man and he worked hard. I also met a man named Paul who could juggle very well. I really enjoyed watching him throw socks. When I tried it, one became lodged in my throat and I began to choke. I almost died, because I was chocking. I think Paul can do it better even today but he died because he had exploded.
When I was forty I was promoted to an executive sock maker. I watched every body make socks and I didn’t have to do much. I was a boss. The company did well when I was boss. We made ten socks a day! That was good socks. Making.
As I finish up this autobiography I am forty-two and I have quit my job. I now work at home and make stories and I think for a first book this is a great one. It says a lot in so little and I hope you liked it. I will write a sequel but I have to go now. There is a knock at my door.