Go Before You Leave

To all you poms, yankies, pakkies and Greeks who still can’t speak the Queen’s English, I will explain a few words which are included in this yarn :

HOON = anyone who drives like my grandmother on a Friday night, after she’s had a few tinnies
TINNIE = can of beer
FOUREX = a popular Queensland brand of beer (e.g. Fosters, Millers, Fourex)
SHOUT = buy beer for all your mates
DEAR = expensive
HOLIDAYING = taking a vacation
MINI (or MINI COOPER) = the same car Mr. Bean drives
WINDA (pronounced winn-da) = window
BOOKED = to receive a fine from a policeman (e.g. I was booked for speeding)
ROCKY = Rockhampton city


GO BEFORE YOU LEAVE

Years ago when I was a youth
I was a regular teenage hoon,
My mates and I would race our cars
From Rocky to Yeppoon.

In those days the roads were rough
And wound around tight curves.
Driving that stretch took a lotta skill,
With the help of hardened nerves.

One day my friends and I
Were holidaying at the beach,
And when came time to drive back home
We made a wager each …

The losing car, we all agreed,
Should shout a box of beer.
And bear in mind, on a teenager’s wage
This loss could be quite dear.

So off we sped, the four of us
Were spread amongst three cars.
First came Steve, then came Sedge …
Greg and I were coming last

Yes I was passenger, Greg was driving,
The vehicle was a Mini -
But halfway home I felt the strain
Of my previous fourex tinnie.

“Stop the Car !!” I ordered Greg,
“I really cannot wait”
But all that Greg could think of now,
Was shouting for his mates.

I tried to hold it, and I must say
My brow was lined with sweat;
And things looked good, we were catching up,
We may not lose this bet.

But nature pressed the issue more,
And want turned into neeeeed;
But Greg just would not stop that car,
My stress was high indeed.

“Ya gotta stop !!” I yelled at him,
“I’m gunna wet the seat”
My eyes were wide, my teeth were clenched,
“Who cares if we get beat !??!”

Greg reached down and found a cup
Rolling on the floor
“Fill this up” he quietly smirked,
And pressed the pedal more.

“Fill this up ?” I queried him,
“I need a cup that’s bigger”
And Greg replied … “Then switch it off when the cup gets full,
“And throw it out the winda”

“Switch it off ??” I was horrified,
That’s easier said than done;
But all that Greg could think of now,
Was making sure we won.

I kneeled up high upon the seat,
My jeans around my knees
And as we rounded every curve
My aim was like the seas.

And Greg was laughing really loud,
The cup was near his ear;
And as the rising tide filled up,
We both grew full of fear.

We were both enthralled with this cup,
Greg’s idea was enterprising;
And hoots of laughter filled the car … …
… … … … … And still the tide kept rising.

But I looked up and straight ahead,
All the cars had halted
And Greg, distracted by the cup,
Kept the needle on one-hundred.


In we went with smashing force,
The cup ?? … well it went flying;
And I was thrown upon the floor,
Ooooh I felt like dying.

Now bear in mind my jeans were down
And the cup had widely sprayed,
Now people rushed to help us out
And render us first aid.

“GO AWAYYYYY !!” I yelled at them
And struggled to my feet;
And then proceeded to get dressed
Upon that Mini seat.

The police arrived, and Greg and I
Were questioned by a trooper,
Then we were booked for filling cups
In a speeding Mini Cooper

And so I guess my story shows
A moral to retrieve …
From personal experience, I now say :
“GO BEFORE YOU LEAVE”