NOT REAL

“Go back to your room, Jack.” —

That, sometimes crossed up my mind as I sat in this hotel room packing up for the take-off tomorrow. The seminar had ended this evening by a ceremony, this and that. A week, and it was Jack that I met. A Jack and a fling. I helplessly shook my head and stopped packing, thinking.

“I just don’t want guys to take sex as a milestone for their feelings for me,” I remembered I said that to him when he asked me what is the difference if he has feelings for me or if he don’t. That was when I stopped him from going further when we kissed two days ago, in this very room.

“What’s wrong, Janice? If I don’t have feelings for you like I said I do, are you going to... sleep with me?” he had asked. I said I don’t want sex to clarify his feelings for me, “.. and later realize it’s just all about lust, not love,” and that had I continued telling him.

He had stood holding me loosely and looking at me. “I don’t want you to mix up your feelings,” I said to him. He had only stood there not saying anything. His eyes puzzled. Yet his hands were still on my waist, holding it loosely. “A fling is when you know it’s a fling,” I had said. And that was when I told him to go back to his room, and let go of his hands. I left him to the bathroom, and when I was out of the bathroom, he was already gone.

Earlier, when he poured himself a glass of water on the corner of my room, he had suddenly said he thinks he has real feelings for me out of the fling that lingered on between us since the day we got there. I had smiled and looked at him in the face. “No, you don’t,” I said. And he said when he saw the guy with hotel uniform earlier suddenly pulled me and kissed me on my door, he felt like something that he owns had been spoilt, that was his words.

“Two days, and they’ll be gone,” I said, referring to his feelings for me.

“What if they don’t?” he had asked me. I looked at him and calmly said, “They will”. I pulled away and went changed to a pijama. “Are you sure, Jack?” I said as I went.

“When all this ends, I don’t want us to end too,” he said. So classic, yet so sick.

When I had changed I went to him and asked him what he wanted us to do if the feelings were real, what he wanted me to do. He quiet. Then he said, “Kiss me. Kiss me like you’ve never kissed before.” And he kissed me. And we kissed. Deeply. And he pushed me gently, slowly, to the walls behind me, and we slid to the floor. And his hand slowly reached out for the tie of my pijama and loosen it. But when his hand tried to slid through the pijama, I stopped him.


“What? What’s wrong?” he asked, whispering. I pulled the pijama to my chest and looked away from him, then back to him again. “I just.. don’t feel right,” I said.

“Why? Is that because I said I started having real feelings for you?” he said. I did not reply. “What is wrong with someone having strong feelings for you, Janice? Haven’t you had a boyfriend before?” he said, and I knew he was slightly mad.

“They don’t start this way,” I said. And he silent.

“We could start all over again,” and then he said, after some time. “After this thing ends, we start over,” he added.

“We’ve already started, Jack,” I said. “We’ve already been here. You, and I. That couch, this room,” I said, looking around at the room and then to his face. He looked back at me in silent. And then I stood up on my feet and started to leave him, with my hands tighting up the tie on the pijama, and that was when he stood up and grabbed my hand. And started asking the difference if he has feelings for me or if he’s not. That was the time. Until I told him to go back to his room.

And on the two days after that before the seminar ended, I barely talked to him. On the buffet dinner last night after a talk was held, he tried to approach me casually while I was on conversation with my subordinate who was with me in the seminar. And I gave him indirect casual conversation like I did to my subordinate. And he went away.

This afternoon, he was in the same group as mine during a brief talk by the sponsors. And when the talk ended and some people who wanted to leave the seminar early before the official ceremony tonight were shaking hands with the others, he went to me after the others and offered a shake. I shook his hand and he looked at me with this kind of look. But he did not say anything. And that was the last time I saw him until tonight. On the ceremony this evening he was nowhere to be found. Or it was me who did not see him, or he was just hiding away from me, I didn’t know.

I thought about the first day I got to this hotel. The time when we lined up to confirm our name on the list, and I was looking for my subordinate to turn up, and she did not turn up. And it was Jack behind me on the line. And pouring his sweet smile and charms as we waited on the line. Only half an hour later my subordinate turned up. And distracted me from Jack. And that was about it with me and Jack the first day we met. But anytime we met after that, we flirted. And it led to my room. And now.

I didn’t know if he had girlfriend. Or had been married, or was married. And he didn’t know if I had boyfriend. Or not. We didn’t know anything about each other. The only thing I knew was his name. His real name. And if he faked that name too, I didn’t know anything about him.

And he didn’t even know what happenned exactly that day on my door, with that hotel-uniform guy. But neither did I.

The first time we saw him was in my room, the hotel-uniform guy, some day, when his knock on the door broke our kiss, me and Jack. Jack was the one opening the door. He told Jack he was there to check on electricity faults in the room, said he was sorry. And Jack let him in with hesitation. When he walked in and beginning to check the room, I walked to Jack and Jack told me about him, and caressed me in the shoulder, and kissed me on the corner of my ear. And later Jack told me that guy was peeking on us while he did that. So he stopped.

The second time I saw that guy was that day when it happenned; when he suddenly kissed me. We had just done with some presentations that day, and it was me presenting. That hotel guy was inside the room too, doing his work at the end corner of the room, I noticed, because as I finished with my presentation, my glance collided with his for an instant second. It was the orange overall jeans with the hotel’s name on the front that made me guessed it was him.

And when everybody had left the room and it was only me collecting back my material for the presentation, he walked into the room again, for I didn’t notice him leaving the room before that. And it freaked me a little. But the bad thoughts went away after he said hi to me and we walked together to the same floor. It was only when I arrived at my door and said goodbye to him that suddenly he grabbed me, pressed me against him and kissed me. And while I was striving to let go of him, Jack came.

—And almost punched him in the face, if not a guard on patrol came to us. That guard half a century of age immidiately recognized the guy, and he called him Eddie.

“What’s going on here? Eddie, what are you doing here?” he asked.

“Tell the man what you did,” Jack said to the guy the guard called Eddie. And I myself by that time couldn’t really recall what had just actually happenned. But Eddie did not say a word. Only when Jack was about to say something to the guard, Eddie snapped, “It’s nothing— It’s.. nothing,” he said.

“What? Janice tell the man what’d he do to you,” Jack turned to me and said. I was hazed a little by the time and felt like I could not really bring up anything.

“It’s uh.. uh.... it’s nothing,” I finally said. I didn’t look at Jack’s face then, and after the guard went away, I bended to collect the papers and other things which fell off from my hands when this Eddie grabbed me moments before. And from my glimpse I saw Eddie collected his hat from the floor which fell off when Jack pushed him onto the door earlier, and left. And then Jack bended to help me with the papers.

“I can’t believe you let that guy go like that,” he said. “What happenned?” he asked me when I slid the room key on the door. “I don’t know,” I said. “It happenned so fast I couldn’t even think, Jack,” I said, putting the room key into the dock.

Jack followed me into the room and later we laughed lightly about what had just happenned. He called the guy a psycho. “That dude’s a psychoo,” -the way Jack put it. And we laughed lightly, though I still felt confused with what had just happenned. That was the day when Jack had suddenly told me his feelings for me. Two days ago. The day for everything.

He had called me ‘honey’ when we were talking about what had just happenned on my door that very day. And I wasn’t very comfortable with what he had called me. “I don’t really like it when you called me that,” I said to him. He was setting himself for a glass of water. And he suddenly poured his feelings to me as he poured his glass some water. His feelings for me.

That day. The day of everything. And until today I hadn’t seen that hotel guy Eddie, and not even Jack for tonight. But there was a note. A note left on my door the day after it all happenned. It said an apology, not a reason, and was not signed. And I didn’t know who to expect for the note. The hotel guy Eddie, or the seminar guy Jack. Both I didn’t know. Both I never saw them write. And I kept the note, still, until tonight. Though there wouldn’t be chance for me to know who was that from now. Or would there be?

And suddenly there was a knock. On my door. Startling me as I was having these rambling thoughts. I walked to the door and openned it. And there was no one. The hallway was empty too. And dried as it looked. But there was a note. On the door, for once again. I took it inside and closed the door. ‘Meet me at the lobby, for the one last chance’ it said. Still, there was no sign at the end note. The piece of paper and the scrawl looked familiar as in the first note. I threw myself onto the bed and thought for a few seconds. It was Jack. It was him.

I took my jacket, at last, and put it on as I walked to the door and thinking of all the possible things Jack would say. The note was with me; I read it over as I was in the elevator going down the lobby. The lobby was slightly quiet when I was there. Only the working staff on the reception counter, one or two people passing over, or another one or two puffing cigarettes on the table outside the glass walls at the side of the hotel. It was only when I reached closer to the chaise longue in the lobby that I saw someone was sitting there with his back on me.

—And it was no Jack. It was the orange-uniform guy. The hotel guy. With his uniform on. I was clueless for one second.

“Eddie?” I said. He stirred a little, but he didn’t turn to me. “Um.. sir? Excuse me,” I said as I moved forward when he did not make any effort to turn and look at me. And this time he did turn and look me in the face. And it was no Eddie.

“Jack?—” And I didn’t know what to say right at that very moment. He stood up from his seat and looked at me. “Sorry I thought it was someone else when you called,” he said.

“W-what are you doing in this suit? W—” I asked, looking at him with hundreds other questions flown out my mind.

“Now that I’m in the orange suit, would you sleep with me?” he said.

“Whattt??!” I said, feeling something big choked right at the back of my throat and could never come out, could not believe what I just heard.

“You heard me,” he said calm. “I know it all now, Janice,” he added, nodding his head. This time his eyes were slightly on the floor. And I was still clueless.

“You would sleep with me if I was just a guy in this suit, right?” he said, confusing me. “Just some guys from the hotel, some guys walking over the lobby,” he said.

“Jack, what are you talking about? I don’t have a clue,” I said, starting to feel a chill. “You will,” he said. “I get it now, Janice, and I believe I get it right,” he added, smiled lightly, and then he moved closer to me and took my hand, walked me to the corner where the lights were dim and pale, and no one could really see us clearly. “What are you doing, Jack?” I asked him as he took me. “What do you wanna do?” I asked.

“It’s the title stranger that keeps you near, isn’t it, Janice?” he said, under the pale of light. “You enjoy having relationships that last. Relationships which don’t follow you in your morning wakeness,” he said.

“Known people scare ya. Familiar people worry ya. Memorable people panic ya. And I, have frightenned ya,” he said. I looked at him, losing the words to say. “Because I, who first a stranger, had without a plan, fell for you. And because that had gone beyond your plan, you stepped back,” he said.

I looked at him long. And shook my head wearily. “What are you trying to say, Jack?” I asked.

“It’s because of that orange-uniform guy. It’s how a stranger is someone to you that determine how close could you let them be to you, and how far could you let them be involved in the physical relationships of yours,”

“Shut up!” I snapped.

“You don’t seem to mind that orange-uniform guy kissing you, do you? Because he’s a complete stranger, and you think you have nothing to lose,” he continued. “It’s the people you know that you cared if they kiss you unexpectedly like that.”

“What do you want, Jack?” I asked him wearily. “Is that all what you’re trying to say with that uniform?” I said.

“You’ve never been in real relationship, have you?” he asked me, ignoring what I said. “What is it that scares you Janice?” he asked.

I looked at him again. Long. “I’m done, Jack. Goodbye,” I said finally, turned my back on him and was about to walk away when he grabbed both my hands hard and pushed me to face him.

“You can’t keep running away, Janice,” he said on my face. His breath smelled cigar when he exhaled. “What are you so scared about? Huh? You want a relationship which lasts? How about less than a night? How about just right now?” he clutched my hands harder. And started to go harder on me. “Let me go—,” I struggled.

“What is it, Janice? You don’t like it now that I’m a stranger again in this suit?” he rambled, pressing me against him rough. And started to kiss me. “Get away from me—,” I struggled to get away from him, and the tighter his grip became of it. “Get away you freak!—” I shrieked at his face, and beyond my expectation he held me harder and slammed me onto the walls even harder. And again. And again. And I starting to feel the pain on my back, and my spine. “Jack, please.. stop..” I pleaded almost silently. “It’s here, why’d you have to run, Janice?” he asked.

God saved me when someone saw us when Jack was about to do it again, and made the staff on the reception counter called the security. I quickly went back to my hotel room after the security came, and locked myself there sitting quietly in the bed, shivering. I did not make a report.

After I could think again, I quickly book a flight ticket home for tonight by the phone, went to my subordinate’s room and told her I got an emergency and couldn’t wait until tomorrow, went back to my room and finished packing up as I left it earlier in such a hurry, called a cab to take me to the airport, and got out of the room quick, still shaking.

Just before my cab came, I thought I saw someone familiar not very far from me. (Familiar people worry ya). He was beside a motorbike behind a ‘No Parking Area’ sign meters away from me. It was the orange-uniform guy. But he wasn’t in the uniform. He was slightly looking at me too when I looked at him. It sent me with a rush on my blood that I accidentally dropped some of my things on the ground. But when I picked them up and caught his face again, I found nothing indecent or strange about the way he looked at me. He offered me a smile.

Later when I was on the plane sitting behind the windowpane looking outside to the sky, I re-ran everything on my mind. Jack was right. I’d never had a boyfriend. Never had a real relationship. (What is it that scares you Janice?). Everything scares me. The feelings, the commitment, the possibilities. The hurt that it might take, the disappointment, the wound.

I sighed. What is it that really scares me? —The reality of a relationship.

I feared the certainty. The complication of it. I feared waking up thinking about someone, worrying when they were far, missing them when they were not around. Worrying of some part of you they couldn’t take. All that, was not real to me.

(Known people scare ya. Familiar people worry ya. Memorable people panic ya. And I, have frightenned ya). And for that, Jack had gotten it right. I looked outside across the windowpane again, black it was outside. How was I going to know what was really there on the outside if the blackness was the wool. I only knew what my mind told me there was. And all this time I had only been almost there. Just almost there.



-THE END-

(diabolique)