First Contact: Another World

"Greetings! We are Beauregard from planet Yiplodoga Four."

"Beauregard?"

"Our real name is cumbersome to your human ears. This was chosen by our computer for interaction with indigenous intelligences."

"Well, you should get that fixed before ya'll leave. You look more like a Calvin to me, except greener, of course. Sound more Alvin than Calvin though. Like one of those chipmunks."

"Greetings! We are Alvin from planet Yiplodoga Four."

"Well hi! I'm Candice from right here in Mayberry. Ya'll can just call me Candy, everybody does. Goodness! You're really green. A right nice green though. I think it's pretty."

"Do not be alarmed by our appearance. Our sun and planetary atmosphere combine to give us this coloration."

"Well now! You shouldn't neglect your vitamins, that I can tell you for a fact. God's honest fact. Being so green, that's got to be at least somewhat your vitamin balance. And you should think about a hat when you go out. Get one with a wide brim—it's not for looks, it's your health. Especially with your hair situation. Now I don't normally go for bald, but it looks..."

"Greetings! We are Alvin from planet Yiplodoga Four."

"Well hello there, Alvin! Bless me, but you are just the cutest little fella!"

"You are an exceptionally large and hairy example of your species."

"Isn't that the rudest thing to say! But it sounds so cute coming from you—all green and small with big, dark eyes—why, I just can't find it in me to be offended."

"We come in peace."

"Well, isn't that sweet? Oh, look at the time, my program's almost on. Why don't ya'll come on in and visit for a spell?"

"Invitation accepted. We are prepared to board your dwelling."

"Ya'll are just so cute, I can hardly stand it! I don't mean to pry, but are you a boy alien or a girl alien?"

"We are a highly evolved species. Sex is meaningless to us."

"Well now! That rules out boys, but ya'll sure are alien!"

"We are a constructed being."

"Isn't that interesting! Sounds like my niece, Gina. I don't know details, but she isn't all natural, if you follow me. I don't know where she got the money for it..."

"Greetings! We are Alvin from planet Yiplodoga Four."

"Oh, aren't you just precious! Oh, my soaps are starting now. I don't suppose you get Drama Hospital where you're from?"

"We monitor all military and government transmissions."

"Well, I'll just have to catch you up to speed then. That there is Felica, and she just had an affair with Douglas, her husband's lawyer—her husband is in the hospital after being shot by Samantha who is... but Brad is almost certainly not John's real father."

"It is the opinion of our collective intelligence that Donna should get back together with Antonio."

"You're absolutely right, Alvin! You really are a higher intelligence to see that so fast!"