Stille Nacht--Expanded

“We’ll be there for New Year’s, Mom, I promise” Ellie laughed.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come earlier, honey? You’ve never missed Christmas before! It just won’t be the same without you!” her mother pleaded.

“Mom, I haven’t seen him in six months. I want some time to reconnect before I have to share him. I’m just selfish that way.”

Ellie absentmindedly fluffed the pillows on her bed again. She paced around the apartment, making mental notes of everything that needed done. Her mother tried in vain to persuade her to come home for Christmas, and then finally relented.

“I know you need some time alone. I understand completely. I felt the same way when your father came home from Vietnam. It’s just that we are excited to see him, too. And besides, it’s Christmas!”

“Mom-“

“I know, I know. If you change your mind, we’ll be here. Give him our love.”

Ellie hung up the phone with a smile. She did love Christmas on the farm. But she was anxious to have Jason all to herself for a while. She craved his touch. She ached to see those clear blue eyes staring into hers. And that smile! That smile melted her every time.

She cranked up the stereo with their favorite Christmas CD. She danced around the bright Christmas tree, singing loudly, rearranging the ornaments. When she was sure it was perfect, she fell onto the couch, exhausted. Ellie surveyed her work. She managed to turn the tiny hovel into a grand expression of Christmas joy. Holly boughs graced the mantle, winding around their wedding picture and various trinkets from their past.

What a past it was! A vague smile drifted across Ellie’s face.

She was 11 years old. Her father had just bought the farm and this was their first day to attend the old country church. Timid and shy, she’d tried to hide her lanky frame behind her parents. She tugged at her stringy mousy hair and didn’t dare meet anyone’s eye. Her parents led her into a pew where her grandmother was sitting. Stealing furtive glances at strange faces, she was both delighted and horrified to see several kids around her own age. She nearly shriveled in embarrassment when she caught a teenaged boy staring at her. She immediately tugged at her hair to cover her face. What was wrong? Why was he staring? Did she have something on her face? In her teeth, maybe? She kept her head down for the remainder of the service, never daring to look up again.

When services were over, she tried to dash to the truck, but her mother grabbed her firmly and forced her to endure introductions. As she shook an elderly woman’s cold wrinkled hand, she glanced up and saw the boy talking to her grandmother. Oh horrors! He knew Grandmother? Of course he did! They went to church together. In this tiny country church, everyone must know everyone else. How odd that he would actually talk to the older parishioners. All the other teens dashed out as quickly as possible. And where were his parents? Did he come alone? Had he been sitting with anyone? She couldn’t remember. All she could remember was the glisten of his deep blue eyes and the smile that flashed across his face. “Oh don’t be stupid!” she thought angrily. He must have been smiling at someone behind her.

Ellie sighed at the memory of the child she had been. So quiet. So shy. So backwards. She had been embarrassed by everything. Her limbs had been too long, her body too skinny, her teeth too big. Nothing seemed to work together the way a body should. She hated that phase of life, and pitied the poor souls she saw who were stuck in it. Of course, the phase passed, and now she loved her luscious brunette locks and her body had filled out quite nicely, thank you very much. She still found it hard to believe that Jason was the teenaged boy, and he had indeed been smiling at her. Not only that, but when he was talking to her grandmother, he’d been asking about her! Later he told her that he’d known from the moment he saw her that he would marry her. She couldn’t imagine anyone thinking that of such a lanky mouse of a girl.

Ok, time to get busy. She wanted to have all of Jason’s favorite Christmas candies ready when he got home. It felt a bit odd doing this alone. Making candies and cookies with her mother and sisters was one of Ellie’s favorite traditions. She gathered her ingredients and let her mind wander back in time again.

It hadn’t taken long for Jason to draw her out of her shell. His easy laughter and kindness drew her to him. She looked up to him like the brother she’d never had and her family welcomed him with open arms. The two became best of friends. They were an odd combination, she at 11, long and lanky, he at 16 and driving his first car. The idea of dating never crossed her mind and he didn’t bring it up. Through the years she matured and came to think of him in a different light. Neither of them seemed willing to risk their friendship and each was content to wait until the time was right. They each dated other people and even got serious a time or two. Through it all, she always considered Jason her best friend and protector, and she was his little pet. They went on double dates often. Anytime one suffered heartbreak, the other was there to console.

Finally Jason confessed his feelings for her. It sent her mind reeling. By that time, he was in college and only home on weekends. She was about to graduate from high school. She wasn’t sure how to process this new revelation. He simply told her to give it some thought and they’d talk the next weekend. He drove away as she stared after him.

Ellie sampled some of the hearty, sweet dough as she spooned oatmeal butterscotch cookies onto the baking sheet. While they baked, she wandered to the window. How festive it looked outside! She could just make out the shapes of shoppers down below. The park across the way echoed with the bells from the sleigh rides. Ellie loved to ride with Jason through the snow, cuddled under a fleece blanket and sipping hot cocoa. Soon! Only three more days and he’d be home!

After the night Jason told her he loved her, she struggled. She knew how she felt about him, but was afraid. They had such a perfect friendship! She was nowhere near ready to settle down, she was only 17! For the next month or two, she went on a dating frenzy. Her calendar was full, but she reserved every Sunday for Jason. After church, they would go to the park and hike, or to an afternoon movie, or to one of their houses and just talk. Before long, he was calling through the week. They even started mailing letters. One night, her father called her in for a chat. He wanted to know what was going on with Jason. She and Jason had always been close, but this was a bit over the top. Ellie never could lie to her father. She explained that he had asked her to date him, but she wasn’t sure. She would never forget what her father said next. “You do realize, don’t you, that once you start dating Jason, your dating days are over. You will marry him.” She had sighed and said that, yes, she knew. That was why she hadn’t said yes yet. He warned her not to say yes until she was ready.

The timer on the oven startled her back to reality. The warm cookie smell made her stomach growl. She transferred them to cooling racks and popped one her mouth as the doorbell rang.

“Who on earth is that?” She wasn’t expecting anyone.

She opened the door to find two men in uniform. Dear God, NO! She barely heard them as they explained that Jason was missing. His helicopter had crashed, but they had not been able to locate him. The incident was under investigation, but they had little hope. Her head spun, her heart pounded, and she gripped the door frame for support. Everything went dark.

She woke on the couch. What was she doing? She’d had a horrible dream. That’s all it was. She blinked and sat up. Two men in uniform sat in the chairs on each side of her. NO! It wasn’t a dream!

“Are you OK, ma’am?” The first asked.

“Is there someone we can call for you?” asked the other.

“No, no. I’m fine. I’ll be fine.” she replied weakly.

She questioned them, not knowing if she wanted to hear more. They finally left her, with a promise to keep her posted. She stared at the fire dancing in the fireplace and tried to shut out what she had just heard. She kept telling herself that he wasn’t dead. He was “missing”. He could still return. He would come walking in and flash that unbelievable smile, and everything would be better. She fell her to knees and sobbed, praying to God to help Jason and for him to be safe somewhere. She cried long into the night until sleep finally crept over her and granted her a dreamless sleep.

The next morning she woke with bleary eyes and a weak spirit. The fire had dwindled in the night and a chill drove through to her bones. She started the fire, and then yanked the broken window latch. The window had blown open again. She had teased Jason that he would have a “honey-do” list when he got home. She tried many times to fix it herself, but it repeatedly broke. Now maybe it would never be fixed. She slammed the window closed and kicked the table sitting under it. The poor little table flipped several times and came to rest by the couch. She glared at it, and then stomped off to the shower.

As the hot water poured over her, she sobbed again. She didn’t have any idea how long she stood there, but when the hot water turned tepid, she decided she’d better get out. She barely made it to the bed before she gave up. She spent the remainder of the day drifting in and out of sleep and tears. She heard the phone ring a few times, but didn’t bother to answer.

After a day of tears and hiding from the truth, Ellie decided on her plan of action. Jason had to be alive. She would know it if he weren’t. She knew he was out there somewhere. This was all a big misunderstanding, it had to be. She would get up and get everything ready. He would have been coming home tomorrow.

She put the forgotten oatmeal butterscotch cookies into the belly of the snowman cookie jar Jason bought her last year. Tears threatened to roll down her cheeks again, but she shook herself. Christmas was a magical time, especially for her and Jason. This one would be no different, surely.

The day after Thanksgiving of her last year of high school was the day she finally agreed to go out with Jason. After helping him clean the little country church, he took her for a drive. When they were almost back to her home, he asked if she were brave. Her heart thumped. Why did she feel so awkward all of a sudden? Yes, she was brave, she assented. He asked her to put out her hand. She gulped and gingerly lifted her hand toward him. He slowly put his hand on hers, entwining his muscular fingers through her long thin ones. Her heart stopped. He smiled and didn’t say another word.

She turned the CD player back on. This was the same CD they had listened to as they drove home that night. She skipped forward until she came to the last track. The soft strains of “Silent Night” echoed to her very soul. The tears silently flowed down her cheeks as she was transported back in time again.

As they drove down the old dirt road to her father’s farm, hands entwined, “Silent Night” encircled them. Jason pulled over and stopped the car, his clear blue eyes searching her brown ones. Frightened, she looked away. Jason drove on.

After dinner with her family, Jason stayed to watch Christmas movies. One by one, her family had trailed off to bed, leaving Ellie and Jason alone on opposite sides of the couch. She couldn’t believe how nervous she was. For goodness sake, they’d watched hundreds of movies alone. What was wrong with her? They talked and talked, confiding what few secrets they had not yet shared. As the movie wore on, they found themselves side by side in the middle of the couch. How the heck did that happen? The talking stopped. The sound of the movie droned on, but neither heard it. Jason leaned slightly forward and Ellie’s heard pounded. She leaned into him and their lips met. She had been kissed many times, but never like this. Jason’s mouth was soft, gentle, and slow. Electricity coursed through her body. His hands held her face softly as he slowly pulled away. She’d read corny romances where there were fireworks as the hero kissed the damsel and she’d always thought it was ridiculous. But now she understood. After that kiss, it all made perfect sense. Fireworks, electricity, earthquakes, she’d felt them all in that kiss. As they pulled apart, Jason whispered “wow”. Ellie’s eyes filled with happy tears. She knew her fate was sealed.

The same kiss was repeated seven months later, at their wedding. She had only been 18 for two weeks and only out of high school for a month, but she knew what she wanted.

Now she may never relive that kiss again. NO! She mustn’t think negatively. She must keep faith. She righted the table under the window and lit the spicy candles. They were his favorite scent.

Why did he enlist in the Marines? She knew why. She remembered how strongly he felt after 9/11. They all felt it. She herself considered enlisting! Jason felt that he had to do what he could. After Jason was deployed to Afghanistan, Ellie’s mother tried to convince her to come home to the farm. She refused. She’d grown to love their city apartment. Jason needed to live in the city for his job in advertising. They chose an apartment by the park so Ellie could have a touch of country whenever she got homesick. As much as she loved the farm and her family, she felt closer to Jason here.

The broken window blew open again, bringing a blast of icy air. Ellie glanced up in surprise. The snow had started to fall again. She stared out into the snow reliving all the winter memories of Jason. The time they tried to drive through the ice for Christmas at her grandmother’s, only to get there and hear it had been cancelled, hiking through the snow at the farm, and of course, the traditional sleigh rides through the park. She spun the ring on her right hand and remembered when he gave it to her. He had hung it on an ornament on the Christmas tree.

Yes, Christmas was magical for them. She blew out the candles with a sigh and went to bed. He would have come home tomorrow. She knew he wouldn’t be coming; there was no way he could make it home in time now. She only prayed for a phone call telling her he’d been found alive.

The next morning, she sadly dragged out of bed. She dressed in her special dress and did her hair and make up. He wouldn’t be home today, but she would still honor him and go through the motions. She turned on their Christmas music and lit his favorite candles.


She stood at the window, watching the snow fall and blow, not seeing anything. Somewhere out there, distant sleigh bells told of laughing children or snuggling lovers riding through the park. Her mind was elsewhere. She was reliving that horrible visit over and over in her head.

“…missing in action…”
“…still under investigation…”

She turned to survey the apartment she had worked so hard to make ready for him. The Christmas tree in the corner glowed with its festive lights and ornaments, giving the room a cheery look that was not felt. The fireplace crackled as it tried to thaw the chill she had felt since the soldiers came three days ago. The homey little room would have been perfect for his homecoming today.

Sadly, she turned back to the snow, paying no attention to the hustle and bustle of the street below. She pulled the broken latch on the window, trying to lock out the shouts of “Merry Christmas!” and “Happy Holidays!” as excited shoppers passed each other on the sidewalk. She wanted only one thing for Christmas this year, and she wasn’t going to get it. She sighed as she remembered that she could have gone to her parents’ house in the country. She had not told them he wasn’t coming. She couldn’t face them yet.

Suddenly she heard a sound, as soft and quiet as the drifting snow outside. The door! She turned, knowing she was mistaken.

There in the doorway stood a figure. At first all she could see was a bouquet of roses and a uniform. Had she gone mad? What cruel hallucination was this? He saw her standing there and that unmistakable smile lit up his face. With a cry, she ran to him. He tossed the roses on top of the little table and whisked her into his arms. A cold gust of wind picked up a few of the forgotten petals and drew them into the snow. The jingle of distant sleigh bells carried the petals as they drifted softly away.