The Morning After

This particular piece I wrote years upon years ago when I was still in high school. In all honesty, I'm a little embarrassed by it now. It's emotionally lewd, self-indulgent, full of the "I"s and "Me"s I find tiring when reading other people's work. But all that being said, it was an honest piece, and so I'll let it live on. There's something to be said for sincerity.


5:30 AM

Why do I have to feel this way?
And why the hell do the birds keep singing?
Don’t they know that just feet away there is nothing left to sing about anymore?

This hurts so badly, too much for one man to make sense of
Surely they can feel it
I can’t keep it all inside
It comes over the edge, runs down the side, and I don’t want to stop it
I want everyone I know to know my hurt
To stop singing and take notice
I want everyone to know

Maybe I never knew before how others felt
But now I do
Now I’ve felt it
Maybe I’m better for it, but I feel worse
Now I know
I don’t know why
Hell, I don’t know anything
Nothing feels sure anymore

How could I have loved and lost?
Better than to never have loved at all?
Bull. What do they know about it?

But, perhaps someday…

6:30 AM

What’s this for and what’s the reason?
Is this a pain only meant for one?
Does she feel this too, or do I carry this alone?
Does it hurt as much for her to hear my name as it does for me to just think hers?
Does this feel real?
Is it real?
I pray with all my heart it’s not.
But my faith can’t even move mountains, let alone this.

Is she thinking about the good times, and why couldn’t they just roll?
Does she feel the hurt?
Part of me wants her to, the part where I hate, the part I hate.
Part of me doesn’t.
The part I want to be?
But just the thought hurts worse.

But maybe I was meant to bear this pain.
To bite the wallet and take it.
Thank you God.
I hope she doesn’t have to.

6:38 AM

Help me God to find the strength,
To find the courage
The second-guessing will continue,
But the light is just in sight
As faint as the dimmest star,
But steady and unwavering
I just can’t look away for fear I may loose it forever.
Dear God, keep me steady,
Fill my heart that was left empty.
Bring the peace I only knew with her.
Stop the thinking, I can’t stand it anymore
Watch me as I fall,
As I collapse,
And stand over me.
Let me feel your presence.
I am the man beaten by the side of the road.
Save me from the thieves.
She is not a thief,
But just another passer by,
Maybe even another beaten traveler.
Stand with her too,
Or walk with her as she passes.

6:46 AM

The night is over
The worst that was to come has passed for now
It has become a familiar face
May I never spot it in the crowd again.

Peace, or some form of it, some distant relative,
Has finally found me.
The sun which held no warmth,
Which I had wished to go away and leave me in my darkness,
Is once again a friend.
All is dimmer by the light of day,
But that might be the way I want it.

The memories still hold their pain,
But I guess the man was right,
The loss was worth the memory.

Part of me still holds fear.
Fear I may never walk as tall again,
That the burden may have bent my back forever,
That I well never feel that way again,
The way I felt with her.
But I am walking on a road well traveled,
With more company than this world should bear.

7:01 AM

I don’t want to slip,
I don’t want to fall,
I can feel it pulling at me,
The nameless enemy that wants to bring me down.

I can’t see his face,
But I can hear his voice and I hate it,
I hate him.

God, I need you.
Keep him from me,
Give me the hope that will burn his fingers like fire.
He feeds on my memories,
Sacred things he has no right to touch.
Leave them be, unblemished by your bitterness.
They may be filled with pain now,
But it is real,
And it is mine.

Someday I may look back and be glad for the memories.
Till then I will drink the pain till there is none left.

7:29 AM

Perhaps the thought of “still friends” is just a fairytale,
But it is a story I would love to read,
To write.
I’ve always been a sucker for a tragic story.