My Heroic Quest

When I was in the eighth grade, two of my friends began writing a book. Then, another one of my friends started a book. Feeling left out, I decided to start one myself. The irony of it is, I’m the only one who finished. I loved writing so much, and even some of my grades started to drop because I was writing during class. After an extremely good friend of mine passed away, I was only filled with more emotion which reflected into my writing. It was like a television show, and I kept revealing parts of it to my friends as time went on and I wrote more. When I would stop at a cliffhanger they would get angry and beg me to write more; but what does all of this have to do with defining who I am? The dictionary defines a seeker as someone who “makes an attempt”. After this experience, I no longer felt the need to write dramatic, shallow stories anymore. After finishing this book, I decided I want to write something meaningful. I don’t want to give a reader something to read, I want to give a reader something to think about, or even perhaps change their life. To touch someone deeply with the simple act of writing is my ultimate quest in life.

With every quest, there is of course an obstacle. There is always a fear, or a shallow characteristic which we feel we must cleanse ourselves of in order to obtain what we want. As odd as it may seem, I fear the future more than anything. It’s actually ironic, because at the same time the thing I strive most is to get out of Marist as fast as I can and live an independent life. The fact is, I’m not scared of having an independent life. I’m scared of the process I have to go through in order to get one. While my quest is to write something meaningful, my career choice is to be a screen writer. I hope to be sucessful enough so that I can live my own life without support from others. If I could describe what I want most in my life right now in just one word, it would be hope. I told that to a friend once, and he said, “When you were in elementary school, you feared high school. You’re doing fine now aren’t you?”. This made me realize that I shouldn’t place who I am now in a picture of the future. I need to take life step by step, and not worry about parts of my life that are so far ahead of me. Even so, fear of the future doesn’t seem to escape me, and I still constantly wish for a sign that everything will turn out okay in the end.

Pearson wrote that a seeker fears conformity. I do not fear conformity; however, if I give in to conformity, there is absolutely no chance whatsoever that I can write something meaningful. Pearson also writes that a seeker will flee from conformity. I view it as a huge obstacle that I am faced with almost every second of my life, and I always attempt to disregard it. I very strongly believe that conformity cannot be solved, changed, fixed, or purified. For someone who prays every day for hope, this may seem contradictory. The fact is, it’s the truth. Conformity is something that happened a very long time ago in the world, and perhaps even started when Eve took the apple from the forbidden tree. I don’t know how I can be so sure that we’ve reached the point of no return, but I am. I believe conformity will never go away, but I made the simple choice of not participating, and I act on it every day of my life. E.E. Cummings once wrote, “To be nobody but yourself, in a world which is doing its best, day and night, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle, which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.” I believe this has to do with conformity. Cummings says that every day people attempt to turn us into someone we’re not, and we should fight through the urge to give in. This leads into what Pearson described as the seeker’s task, “to be true to the deeper self”. If I don’t respond or give in to conformity, I am being myself, and therefore true to myself. While some may call me a “non-conformist”, I call myself Brooke Johnson. I once wrote an essay entitled “Surface”. It’s about a theoretical “bubble” which contains who we really are. We are not born with it. Somewhere along the line we give in to conformity, and a “bubble” forms and huge amounts of surface personalities pile on to it. It can never again be penetrated. The biggest question of all is, why do we give in to conformity? If I knew the answer to this question, I wouldn’t be a seeker, would I?

I must admit, I got goosebumps when I glanced at the virtues of a seeker. Pearson wrote that a seeker is independent and ambitious. I had written confidence, ambition, and independence. As I wrote before, I strive to get out of Marist as fast as I can and live an independent life. To accomplish this, I must have ambition and confidence. I never seem to have much hope, and therefore don’t have very much confidence in myself. If there were to be a clear sign of hope, I would have much more confidence in myself to do well. Others tell me I am a good writer, and that gives me hope; but what I need most is to be able to tell that to myself. Once I can believe for myself that I am a good writer, all fears will be extinguished. I still remember something I used to do when I was three years old. My sister was five, two years older than me, and I would boss her around. I would command her to get my blanket, my juice, or my stuffed animal. She would always obey, and I had much more confidence in myself. I suppose it was because I had not yet been exposed to the harsh realities of the world, but I was carefree and independent. I don’t know when I lost those qualities, but I hope to get them back when I’m older, or when I need them the most.

Overall, I hope to be someone who can disclose to the world not just writings, but answers. I don’t want my name to be used, because if the answers are truly valuable, who wrote them doesn’t matter. I want to show people how to live a better life by arranging it in simple words. I don’t want to make a difference. I want to find difference and show it to the world. As long as I am still looking for it, I am seeking it, but that is just who I am.