Drowning

Prologue

-or-

Getting Caught in the Wave

Let me introduce you to a young boy, whose person will be the central focus of our story. Twelve years of age, maybe just over 5 feet tall, one-hundred pounds soaking wet, with short brown hair, grey-blue eyes and soft facial features might make up the physical attributes of our boy. But more importantly, is his mind. For in this story physical features and appearances bear little relevancy. There is no direct antagonist or human obstacle to overcome, so therefore placing much emphasis on the flesh would be mute. No, this story is about the mind, where many incredible, and terrible things are constantly churning, spinning in the whirlpool of our intelligence. So reader, take this tale as you may, for no doubt some of you have felt the feelings and thought the thoughts that will be presented within this tale.

What do they want? Robert thought whilst he walked from the den to the kitchen. He, along with his two brothers had been called by his parents for a family meeting. The somber tone of his father’s voice had put Robert immediately on edge, and his mind began to race. Did Dad lose his job again? Was somebody sick? Are we broke?, or the worst thought of all, the thought that he refused to give mention to, yet still persisted to push into his mind was: Whose going to die?

When he and his brothers sat down at the table, facing their parents, Robert began to fear. Not the kind of fear one experiences when watching a scary movie, or the kind of fear when witnessing a violent or disturbing incident. This was FEAR. The fear that seeps like black ink into your mind; grasping your soul and enveloping it in darkness. When his father spoke Robert was only able to grasp three words through the shroud of black cloth which was now covering, smothering the thoughts in his mind: “Grandpa is sick”.

Reaching for the Surface

For days afterward Robert portrayed a sense of innocence about him. He was still the kind, happy little boy he had always been. Yet on the inside his mind was still struggling to take hold of what was happening around him. Cancer was the one thought that continued to scream within his mind, closely followed by Death and Hopeless. It was these thoughts that Robert used to define the cancer that was ailing his grandfather. Having no experience with the disease before Robert could only use that definition to comprehend the actions and emotions that his parents and elder relatives were showing. They bore a thin veil of hope, yet underneath (as Robert could see) they were grieving. They knew full well what was happening and what the ramifications were, and yet they persisted in giving reports of hope and recovery. For some time, Roberts psyche used these reports, many of which included Surgery, Doctors and Treatment to help fight off the dark that was closing around is thoughts. But after some time, Robert began to realize that hope could not be found in Surgery or Doctors or Treatment. But could only be discovered through him. As mature as this thought was for a boy of his age, Robert found himself thinking it often, finding safety in his newly acquired autonomy.

But this sense of protection would not last however, as yet another, far more disturbing thought joined ranks with Death and Hopeless. This new evil took the form of Loss. This loss was not first given a real definition by Robert, so he concocted his own to give this sense of loss some significance. After many failed definitions Robert’s mind decided on the fact that if his grandfather did die, then he would never hear his hearty laugh, or banal (yet enjoyable) jokes again. It was with this thought that the inky black fear once again crept into his mind. It swallowed all other thoughts and drowned his sadness in its dark. For a while Robert longed to feel that sadness again, for it was something that he could learn to cope with, but this fear was too heavy to be lifted or moved even the slightest from his being. So, for many days Robert carried his fear with him, at school, at home and at play. On the day of the surgery Robert caught a tiny glimpse of hope through his black shrouds. Just maybe he thought Maybe the doctors will fix him and things will go back to they way they were. This hope was not long for the world.

Relaxing Against the Tide

Being a young child Robert was always dependant on a mother/father figure for guidance and enlightenment. Having already figured out his own parent’s guise Robert found the emotional help he so desperately wanted in God. Though he never fully understood what believing in God meant, or what it required his nightly prayers gave him some solace in his otherwise painful mental state. Exactly what those prayers included ranged from the superficial Please don’t let any of my friends know about this to the heartfelt Make him get better. I don’t want him to die. Through prayer Robert poured all his feelings and his thoughts into God, he placed all of his hopes (hopes for his grandfather’s recovery, hopes for his parents to stop being so depressed and hopes for his own relief from the dark) into the unseen, undefined specter he knew as God.

Roberts’s prayers helped him have more faith in his parent’s words, and he began to believe the news of a successful surgery, and that the cancer was gone. Everyone was going to visit him in the hospital. Robert was unsure on what to feel as he rode the cramped elevator up to his grandfather’s room. Thoughts like He’s better now, Maybe God fixed him and It’s going to be normal again floated through his mind. And yet, through the pleasant ideas of recovery and a normal life one, very evil message kept popping up in his conscious He’s still sick. Try as he might, Robert was unable to force this out of his mind. He still kept to his happy persona as he walked down the long hallway. The sounds of a hospital; various beeps and buzzers, the constant drone of various conversations, bright neon lights, and the smell of cleaners assailed his senses. I don’t like it here burst into his mind, ahead of all other thoughts. Robert immediately agreed with his senses opinion and began to observe the objects and people around him with discontent. That nurse looks mean, That guy looks crazy, Could that woman be any nosier? And other such messages filled his mind.

When he reached his grandfather’s room everything seemed to go quiet. His mind ceased all thought and it seemed as if the hallway had been turned off. There, lying on a bed, underneath a pale green blanket was his grandfather. His eyes were closed, and the rhythmic sounds of his breathing was all that could be heard. I don’t want to go in there broke his mind’s silence. But whether he wanted to or not he was pushed into the cramped room as the rest of his family entered. A stale, putrid stench hung in the room, and saturated everyone’s lungs. As everyone hustled into the room Robert's Grandfather awoke with a start, his eyes seemed to roll in their sockets as he lifted his eyelids. A collective “Hi Grandpa/Dad” rose out of the group, save for Robert, who was still staring at his grandfather’s face, and trying not to breath in the disgusting air. The visit did not last long, as Robert’s grandfather was too tired to entertain visitors for long. During the car ride home, all Robert thought was He’s still sick.

Seeing the Boat

For perhaps a week or so Robert forced his mind away from his grandfather. His mind wandered from subject to subject; like all minds do, but no matter what he was focused on at the moment, it was always trivial, and in some way, pleasant. It wasn’t until the end of the week that Robert was forced back into the sad state as before. Dad had brought them all back to the hospital. Oh God not again was the immediate thought that entered Robert’s mind. He walked down the same hallway as before, heard the same sounds, saw the same sights and had the same attitude towards it all. Yet when he entered his grandfather’s room Robert was taken aback. The stench from before was gone, sunlight streamed through the open windows and there was his grandfather, sitting upright in his bed, munching on ice cubes from a small paper cup. For once, in an innumerable amount of days Robert felt genuinely happy HE’S BETTER! crashed through all the other thoughts in his mind, and reverberated throughout the whole visit. Just before leaving (reluctantly) Robert said the last four words he word ever speak to his grandfather, the four words that would haunt his being for years after this story comes to a close: “See you soon Grandpa”

The Failed Rescue

Oh God No, Why God, What the hell did I do? I asked you for help! Robert lay awake with these thoughts pounding in his head. Not a few hours earlier his father had sat them all down at the kitchen table once more. And once more the black fear oozed into Robert’s heart. “Something has gone wrong” his father had said. “It doesn’t look very good”. From those two statements Robert had shut himself into his room, with only the sound of life outside and the beating of his own heart to combat the silence. Why are you ignoring me God? Robert asked. Quit playing games, I want him to live. Now whether or not that statement was directed to himself or God one can not tell.

For days Robert followed the same routine, worry his way through school come home, shut himself in his room, and then worry himself to sleep. Every afternoon he came home expecting to see his mother in tears, with perhaps her mother at her side. However, it was the following events that caused both Robert and his grandfather succumb to their respective diseases.

On a bright Wednesday morning in the middle of spring Robert was driven to his other Grandparents (both of which perfectly healthy) to stay for an indefinite amount of time. Robert spent each day curled up on the basement couch, watching cable television whilst the terrible thoughts Loss and Death filled his young mind. Robert knew the only reason he would be sent to his grandparent’s house was because the end was not far off. So each day he waited, sometimes patiently, sometime restlessly but always uncertainly. Then, on the Friday of the same week, his father walked through the door. With one look Robert was able to ask the question that had been tormenting him for the past three days Is he dead? The somber look from his father’s eyes was all the answer he needed. Robert sprinted down the steps back into the cool basement, and there proceeded to pour all of his emotions from the past few months into the pillow. Sometimes with tears, sometimes with fists, and sometimes with words, after it all had finished, Robert was thoroughly spent.

The Body turns cold

From that day Robert was in a blur. His mind was desperatly trying to repair the broken systems of faith and love that had been shattered that Friday morn, all the while trying to put on a brave face for his two, emotionally distraught brothers. Before Robert knew it, he was at his grandfather’s funeral and was viewing the body of his grandfather. Robert was unable to build the strength to actually walk up to the casket and view his dead relative. Instead he busied himself reading the donation cards placed throughout the room, sucking on mints in silver bowls or inspecting the flowers placed on each little table. When at last he was able to summon the courage to rise from his cushiony chair and walk towards the body. No! was all he could think of. His breathing became staggered, and tears began to well up in his eyes. As one last, final test to ensure what he was seeing was real, Robert slowly touched the pale skin of his grandfather’s hand. The coldness of the skin made Robert shudder, and he immediately withdrew his touch. I’m going to be sick thought Robert as he quickly backed away from the body, and proceeded to descend the small stairs into the lower lounge room. Then, curling into a ball on the couch, began to sob quietly.

Death

When at last visitation was over and the funeral began Robert’s mind was awash with images of his grandfather. Some images were of happier times, but yet many were of his grandfather lying in his casket, his pale skin dressed in a dark suit. His eyes closed for the final time. When it was time to move the body from the church to the cemetery Robert was asked to be one of the six persons that were to carry the casket out from the hearse. Only two thoughts were in Roberts mind while he was carrying the casket to the hole in the ground Why am I the only one without sunglasses to hide behind? and Oh shit, my fingers are slipping! When at last the casket was placed onto the mouth of the grave, and the minister had said his last prayer Robert approached the casket to say goodbye for a final time.

While holding a rose taken from one of the bouquets next to the grave Robert approached his resting grandfather. Bye Grandpa, Love you. With one final look at the casket, and a muttered curse at the blue sky, Robert began the long walk to the car.