My Story Part Two

I had to decide between having my family back, who I never really knew, or having my best friend and staying this way. But really my best friend was my family, Reginald could be anyone. I was torn between the decision. What was I to do?
So basically, my choice was going back to the way things were... my mother inside my father's body and my father, Reginald, inside the poacher's body, or everything in the world would expl0ode and Reginald would die, but I'd be adopted by a family of black possums. Suddenly, Krisy ran in shouting, "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE BLOODY HAMBURGER MEAT".

I literally shit.

Then, like a bat out of hell, Reginald grabbed my pussy and farted so fucking loud it once again, gruesomely decapitated Dr. Lothario, and it threw me into a totally knew time-space. I quantum leaped into the body of my mother during her first cycle.

"Omg I have PMS THIS SUCKS" I shouted. My grandma came in and said, "Lizzy, watch your mouth."

I was so confused, that I blacked out. There were trains everywhere. Chooochoooo.

I love pizza. Pizza kept me going through all of this. I went to a place called Pizza Heaven, and Jesus sat upon a golden toilet and shit out a list of names. "You're on the list, here's your pizza."

I'm a pirate tonight. Let's go sailing to the nude world and discover card my ass to british knights made these shoes sup let's eat I'm starvin marvin like the fat boys say.

I realized that my choice had been made for me. Dr. Lothario had already injected me with some drugs, and things were going back to normal, just in a crazy-way that didn't make any sense.

I found myself on the couch with Reginald, only he wasn't my father, he was the poacher. I could tell, because he was holding the head of a dodo bird. Was my father, Reginald, dead?

"My father was a fisherman," Reginald said, "and his father before him, and his father before him. A long line of fishermen." He petted the dodo head softly, his eyes staring straight ahead.

"They never wanted me to be a fisherman. Why? I don't know, it haunted me. It's not that I was particularly fond of fishing, I just couldn't figure out why it was forbidden..." Reginald set the dodo's head down on his lap, and turned his glance onto me.

"See, a few years back, before I was a poacher, I went fishing. It wasn't anything like what my family did, just a few friends out on a crummy little boat casting lines. I caught something, it was big and we had a laugh pulling it in."

Reginald stopped. He looked away from me again and stood up. Walking towards a bookshelf, he continued, "Now what happened next, I can't be for sure, it's all a blur now of course. I got pulled in, under the waves. I shoulda let go of the fishing rod or something, but yeah.. too late for regrets."

Reginald took a large, leatherbound book from the shelves, dusted it lightly and sighed, "Well.. I was pulled under, deep under. I thought I was done for, all thoughts gone except for the fear. Then I met.. her.. or it, I don't know," while speaking he was flipping through the book, and landing on a certain page handed it to me.

I looked down and saw a drawing of what appeared to be a mermaid. It wasn't like the ones I was use to in cartoons, it was hideously ugly with a pale green-hue to its skin. It was something out of a nightmare.

"..mother.. It was, my mother. She spoke into my mind, showed me her past, when she met my father, everything. She told me one other thing, about how I would meet a boy. A boy whose entire life is unexplainable, where the most bizarre and unexpected will happen. The boy's entire life would be wrought with insanity, never knowing what will happen or what has happened."

I realized he was talking about me, I shuddered. What did it all mean? Did it even mean anything? Was this just another delusion?

"I'd give you advice, kid, but I know it won't matter. Just remember, you have the power of Shaolin Ballet, and combined with your Wu Tang Tap Dance, is nearly unstoppable. Oh, and I believe you'll find an old friend down at the chinese restaurant near Jazzbunny Creek." He left the room.

SO I WENT TO READ THIS HUGE ARSE BOOK!!!! LMFAO IT SAID " IN HERE YOU MAKE MOVIES" SO I DECIDED I MUST MAKE A MOVIE. THEN REGINALD MY NEWLY INSTATED BROTHER CAME BY HE SAID

" HEALO SIRE WELCOME TO MY MAGIC SHOP WUT WOULD U LIKE TO BUY!?!?? " I TOLD HIM SOME CARROTS AND DIPS CUZ I LOVE RABBITS!!! YEAH THATS RIGHT I LOVE RBBIT!!!! RIBBIT RABBITS YEAH

THEN I DID MY WU TANG TAP DANCE AND PRINCE RAKEEM CAME AND SAID WU TANG IS DEAD FOREVER YOU ASSHOLE IM BOBBY DIGITAL. I AM LIKE WHAT THE FUCK MAKE UP YOUR MIND RZA YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!

THEN I DECIDED TO CALL IT A DAY AND I TOOK A NAP. GOODNIGHT ALL

when i awoke from my nap i was in the middle of a forest and it was hard for me to breathe i soon realized that i was being crushed to death by a boa constrictor. i tried with all my might to squirm and wiggle myself free, but it was no use, i couldnt escape. i was doomed to be smashed by the muscular coils of a beautiful snake and slowly digested inside of its stomach. just as i was about to pass out from lack of oxygen i let out a high pitched scream, when i did this the boa loosened its grip on me and said "geessse, i ssssought you'd never sswake upssss." i was too surprised that i had been let go to run away and as i laid there gazing at the monstrous serpent i realized that she had an absolutely gorgeous face and some beautiful knockers and i couldnt help but stare at them.

after who knows how long of me staring at her boobs she gently picked me up with her tail and said "isss that a ssworm in your pantsss or are you jussst happy to ssssee me?" this brought me out of my daze and as i looked down i realized that i was quite aroused. this left me completely speechless, but luckily she knew what to do and after about 6 months i was the delighted father of 33 fuzzy white cotton tailed boas. they came lovingly toward me when they first saw me and began to hug me all over. i was the happiest dad in the world until one of them hugged me around the neck and my head popped off and i watched in horror for a few brief seconds as they devoured my body not being able to image what they would do with my lifeless head when they finished with my body.

My detached head was very confused... (and so am I, goodnesssss) My body had just been devoured by a snake which had seduced me and now my head had only a few minutes at the max to survive without the rest of my body. I felt the end coming. The strange journey was finally coming to an end and I felt as though I had failed. I didn't know anything, not what I set out to do, and not even who was who in my family. Was I even in my real body, well, head? My final moments were up and I was about to black out when suddenly...

In came running Notorious B.I.G.!!

I said "B-I-G!!" then he bust in my E-Y-E!

"YOU'RE DEAD WRONG!" he shouted in his deep negro voice. "It is I! Dr. Lothario!!" He swooped down and snatched my cranium from the ground. The creatures I'd been hypnotized into believing were my children began biting his saggy black ass flesh. He didn't seem to notice as he swiftly waddled away from the scene. Apparently, the cotton-tailed boas didn't like the taste of his GHETTOIZED NEGRITUDE! They made a hasty retreat.

"Don't worry.." he began comforting me, "as long as your brain is in contact, I can repair the damage. If it had been destroyed, going back in time to acquire another one of you would only be an alternate you. Any awareness you have exists within this head, and none other. I can, nevertheless, swap your consciousness into someone or something else. Because I'm that God damned good!"

"But haven't I already died lots of times recently? I don't even know what's going on anymore?" Fortunately, we were running fast enough that lungs weren't necessary for me to speak.

"Yes, several powers have been keeping you from being lost forever, three of them being science, magic, and love. However, something is happening to the others, and now it appears that only my science can save you."

"What has happened to the others!?" I asked.

"T believe they've all been kidnapped... by Joe Camel of Camel Cigarettes. We're in a lot of shit."

"WHAT THE ASSHOLE!?" I whispered in allcaps.

"Yes, as you know, the tobacco companies run everything... including the space-time continuum. They're evidently becoming hostile with all who have been recently horsing around with it. We're next."

"What can we do?!"

Dr. Bigario, as he wanted to be called now, was leaping hurtles and running at light speed through the galaxy with my head under his arm. He answered, "Well, remember Reginald? The one who is your real father? He's stuck in that turtle shaman's body, I ran into him on my way here on one of the moons of Juipter. He managed to steal the KronifyAce 11."

"Whathell is that?"

"The KronifyAce 11 is a time traveling spaceship, the most powerful of its kind, and the only ship in any universe powered by pure Rock n Roll. It's engine consists of the most hardrocking aliens in all existance. Reginald was able to use his shamanistic abilities to take 'em over, and the ship's ability to time travel and re-shape reality at any moment is our only chance against the tabacco industry."

"Re-shape reality? You mean we finally have the power to control all this crazy intensity that's been going on?!"

"Yep, Head-Boy, we do... Oh, and the head of the tabacco industry? Yeah, it's your mother... Joe Camel is her number one body guard and lover."

*gasp*

All of a sudden Chris Minder and his army of Nazi penguins marched all across the globe. They began to purge all non-Aryans fom the Earth and after they were finished they had a breakdance duel.

*Headspins*

I am going to the tobbacooacooo company and as I am strolling along in my air force three's I think about shit. I am now at teh company and its joe camel time hunny!

Now I am inside this thang. Joe Camel comes out of nowhere in a poof of smoke like a ninja but you know what? I said "FUCK THIS SHIT" and decided to leave.

Joe Camel said "Why you leaving we supposed to duel hunny!" I respond with, "It is time to be serious now. I am coming out of retirement. Time to read the newspaper while drinking coffee."

I went to Starbucks then and ordered some coffee. I decided to read the newspaper and drink my coffee at the same time. Then my boys Ryan and Philip came in and joined me. We all smoked cigarrettes and complained about how we need to quit.

The three of them enjoyed their coffee as they read in the newspaper "Chris Minder and his joke army of Nazi Penguins slaughtered by Joe Camel and blocked from this story". They all got a good laugh. as i sat there drinking my coffee and reading the newspaper at the same time with my boys i came to the comic section of, which is always my favorite part of the paper. to my surprise, instead of comics all that was on the page were some really big letters that seemed to spell out "you will choke on your coffee right now." when i read this i began to laugh hysterically and just as i started to laugh my esophagus opened up and a mouthful of burning hot coffee went straight down into my lungs. at first i was terrified that what the paper had said was going to come true and i was going to choke to death on my coffee right then and there, but as i waited for the choking to begin all i felt was a tickling sensation in my chest. this feeling in my chest caused me to laugh even more so i drank some more of my coffee and it caused the tickling sensation in my chest to increase exponentially as it poured into my lungs.

it wasnt long before i had finished off my coffee and when i did i immediately grabbed the nearest cup of coffee and chugged it. this cup just happened to be ryan's and when he looked up from his newspaper and realized his coffee was missing he looked at me and i pointed to philippe so ryan became enraged and grabbed philippe's coffee right out of his hand and threw it at his face. as my boys ryan and philippe began to beat the shit out of each other the tickling sensation in my chest began to subside and i was overcome with tiredness so i curled up into the fetal position in my chair and quickly fell asleep.