My Story Part One

The after school movies I watched religiously as I grew up always told me one thing; to be yourself and try your hardest to reach your dreams. I would watch these television programs at the house of Reginald, a middle aged retired wrestler with a stunning moustache. The moustache was colored thick black and always gave off the most impressive shine. My dream, my goal, my destiny has always been to become a dance, a ballet dancer of the utmost skill and form. Reginald helped me achieve this goal, and this is the story of how it all came to be.

I lived alone with my father, with no knowledge of the whereabouts of my mother. My father had no time for his son or television, spending his hours sculpting clay statues of young children. Home was no place for me, so my time was spent at the bowling alley. I'd stay there long into the night, doing various song and dance numbers for the local patrons. Here is where my friendship with Reginald began. I started going to his house after school, no longer finding the bowling alley amusing. Watching television after school with Reginald are some of the best memories of my life.

During one of these sessions, I let my hopes for ballet slip out. Reginald's eyes closed and his moustache seemed to drop at this sentiment, and he quickly hurried into his bedroom. Some moment later, grasping a small metal box, he turned,

“Take this, go north of town, across Jazzbunny Creek and into the forest there. Deep within this forest, you'll find your answers... Just be careful.”

Reginald gave me a huge hug, his moustache tickling the back of my neck. I didn't want to leave, but the thoughts of my dreams finally coming true drove to that forest. I left the house and opened the small box. Out of this box hopped a small baby rat, which stood on it’s hind legs and wore a flowing red scarf, “Howdy ho, I am Sir Prinnybottoms! I come with the ancient magic and knowledge of a long dead race of aliens and can lead you to places you’ve only dreamed of! Please now, let us go forth.”

I had no idea what would await me, as it was going to be one of the most terrifying and rewarding experiences of my life.

As I walked on through town I came nearer and nearer to the mystical forest in which I was hoping to find my dreams in, a strange feeling came over me. With each step I took I began to feel as though something inside of the forest was calling me to it. My pace quickened, I could almost see the beginning of the forest now! I ran, ran as fast as I could stumbling over street curbs and miscellaneous objects.

Stumbling to get to my feet I looked up only to see magnificant trees only a few steps before me. I stood a moment, and looked back towards the town in which I had spent my entire life as a child in. I rememebered my father, how I dispised him, and at that moment I felt like continuing into the forest to leave my past behind me. But then I remembered Reginald and our last moments together. I wanted to venture back home.

At home there was nothing surprising and I did not need to worry about such things as journeying into magical forests with a talking rat. At home everything seemed perfect. I turned to go back home, solemnly. Suddenly a voice in my head spoke.

“Take this, go north of town, across Jazzbunny Creek and into the forest there. Deep within this forest, you'll find your answers... Just be careful.” It was Reginald.

"Yes!" I said outloud. "Yes, I must go into the forest! I must find out all of the answers I have been searching for! If not for me, then for Reginald."

I stepped into the forest with an unclear path and an unclear future and only a magical rat to guide me.

Only moments later, I felt myself getting tired, and it became more and more difficult to breathe. The iron box was now too heavy for me to carry, and it suddenly crashed to the hard rock path in front of me, as if ripped from my infant-like fingers. Sir Prinnybottoms was gruesomely decapitated by the box lid as it slammed shut.

"Willikers!" I cried. My quest was surely over. But then I noticed Sir Prinnybottom's body within the box was lying atop the scroll. I knew not the importance of this scroll until much later.

"Dear kid, disregard the rat. It is simply the worthless protector of this note. Please kill it and burn this scroll after reading." And that was all the scroll said.

I shrugged and did so right away with my trusty flint. One spark later, the scroll burst into flames, and as it glowed intensely, I could see a little message appearing on it which hadn't been there before. But it was in like Elvish or some shit. Then, the flame was out, and the scoll was left in perfect condition, cool as a cucumber. Sir Prinnybottom's blood upon it was all that had been lost.

Then, something dark approached me from behind.

It was an african american female of breeding age. She said "Sup nigga I need money for weed gimme cash nigga!" I was perplexed by the fact of a negro asking me, a fellow members of the ku klux klan, for money.

I calmly replied with this "Die nigger! FOR THE KLAN!!!!!!" and called up my fellow members with 1 800- C A L L A T T. They soon came and we proceeded to yell "WHITE POWER!!!!" and brought this 'negro' with us to peter piper pizza.

The pizza at Peter Piper was fantastic. The ninja turtles were there doing their classic hip hop dancing. I watched and went to play house of the dead since I hate zombies. I won in house of the dead quite easily and then i decided it was time to go.

I stepped back into the forest and decided to meet my mother who was an alligater in the forest. My rat gave me a handjob and we were all ready to go meet mom. we are on our way and we see a group of .....

After taking the dead rat out of my pants and throwing it aside, I saw a group of circus performers; gypsies most likely. One of them was dressed in a costume resembling that of a Volkswagon Beetle. He beckoned me to join them around their fire. Hesistant, I walked towards them.

"Life is a play on words in which matter makes the spacial frequencies dance like poetry, its an all or nothing gutteral response from the hearts of babes. Leave behind the superficial antics of muckraking wildmen and join our circle. We flow with the ebbing tide of the fires of the suns as prophets tell from the days of old, and in our hearts seek the run-of-the-mill cosmic freak out. No need to deny existance of the pain of embraced cacti, there is no hope but hope and desire for ancient philosophical half-truths. Now is the time, and if you do not partake of our agenda, talk to the hand!`` the volkswagon man said to me, outstretching his hand towards my face.

I knew not what to make of it, but it did not sound like the secrets I was seeking. The ancient scroll written in forgotten tongues burned in my pocket, with the death of innocent talking rats, and Reginald's words still vivid in my mind. I had to seek my mother, the alligator. She was wise beyond her years and knew many things. I believed she held the knowledge of the scroll's meaning.

I entered deeper and deeper into the forest. The trees grew thicker here, making it hard to breath. Green ivy leaves twisted from branches, dangling across my view. The noises of the animals, at first loud, grew more and more silence as I came within sight of my mother's cottage.

Suddenly, before I could call my mother's name, a shadow passed behind me, jumping from branch to branch. It dropped down infront of me, landing on its knees and one hand. Upon standing up, I realized what it was. A huge, lumbering zombie with putrid breath. It was one of the many ghosts which haunted these woods, and I was stuck with imense fear. He starred into my soul and said ``You should have stayed with the gypsy tribe, dismissing them is dismissing your life!``

What was I to do now? I asked myself various questions such as "How did poeple kill zombies in all those movies I saw?" and "What did I do in videogames to stay alive?" But I was not in one of those movies, I was in reality with nothing but air between myself and a deadly zombie! If I only had that ocarina instrument from Ocarina of Time (Zelda) I could play the Sun's Song and the zombie would disappear with the light of day!

At that moment a small object fell at my feet. It was the ocarina! I quickly picked it up and held it in the correct position to play. I had taken many music classes before and I had played Zelda almost constantly in my youth that I knew the proper way to hold an instrument as precious as this. Time was running out and the zombie was inching closer and closer towards me, thankfully at a slow pace like the movies portray them. I was about to blow my first note when I realized that I could not remember the Sun's Song. I was getting them mixed up, Sun's Song from Epona's Song, I could not for my life remember which one to play.

The zombie was almost to me now! I had to do SOMETHING. I decided to quickly finger some tune that sounded familiar from the game and indeed it was a song from Zelda. A magical feeling came upon me and time stopped around me. A screen popped up in front of my face saying "Bolero of Fire. Would you like to teleport to Death Mountain Crater? A) YES B) NO" It was not the Sun's Song, but at least it was a song. I really had no choice but telepot to Death Mountain; I could either hit YES and go to the mountain in the center of the forest and continue my journey from there, or I could hit NO and be consumed by a brain eating zombie. I remembered from the game that there was a fairy at the peak of the mountain that was always willing to help me in the game. She might even know which path I must take to my destiny! The decision was clear, I must venture further and transport to Death Mountain Crater.

I tapped the button with my finger and almost instantly I was standing at the base of a gloomy and anger filled mountain. Dark clouds hovered above my head and I noticed that the ocarina, that had so magically appeared, was now gone.

I was nude as well. Everything I'd carried with me but the scroll had probably remained with the zombie. Perhaps I'd see a zombie wearing my clothes later on. I then also realized that the ocarina had actually just been a stick, but I suppose in my recent shock, it simply appeared to be one. Honestly, I didn't know how I got to that mountain. Maybe it was the scroll, the only thing which had somehow traveled with me.

Using the scroll to cover my hairless genitals, I sat and wondered how things had gotten so crazy in just the past hour. My mother is an alligator? A rat gave me a handjob? Zelda? What?? I must have been losing my mind within this shaded psychedelic funk forest.

Glancing around, I noticed I wasn't alone. Startled by my nudity, a fairy attacked me violently until I reduced her to submission by beating her with the rolled-up scroll.

"You have the one scroll!" she gasped. "You must throw it into the fires of Mt. Death Crater!" My attempts to quell the talkitive bitch-fairy continued. Before the final blow, she said, "Take these!" and a pink sword and ballet slippers appeared at my feet. I then used to sword to finish her off.

"Goodness! Ballet slippers!" I put them on, left the sword, and began scaling further up the mountain, since going down would surely only mean zombies. The scroll was getting heavier now. I got an erection and used the scroll to stroke my penis. I was going at it hardcore-like and I finally ejaculated. However, my cum was a warp point! I said "Holy Frank Sinatra!" and entered into the warp point.

This warp point feels like hot dogs on mustard when you warp. While warping all I could think of is how masturbating warps you to places. I then realized handjobs are not as good as masturbating because you do not warp from handjobs. The warp point said "Sup hunny this is the end of the line." I left the warp point.

The warp point brought me to my mothers house. Finally, after all these hardships I get to see my mom!!!!!!!!!! I hope she is making nachos right now I am hungry. I knocked on the door and nobody answered. HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!! Where is my mom? She always answers the door. She never leaves the house. I kicked the door open with my head and I see a big fat black man standing on my moms fukkin chair with the fukkin nachos.

It was the one and only NOTORIOUS!!!!! Biggie said "Sup nigga I still alive hahahahaah tricked you." I yelled "YOU SON OF A BITCH WHERE IS MY MOM???"

"Sorry son I fucked your mom so hard her alligator head fell off and then I fucked her alligator head."

"What?"

"I said I FUCKED that hoe nigga ya hurrd me"

"Aight lets eat some nachos"

"Lets do it baby!!!!"

Biggie and I ate nachos at my now fucked to death moms house.

I became a firm believer in fate that night, as Biggie took me under his wing and taught me the secret arts of ballet. Biggie had kept his ballet talents a secret throughout his life, but he was actually a mystic shaolin ballet master. I went under rigorous training for many weeks and ate a steady diet of nachos. Biggie was the greatest teacher, better than I could ever had imagined.

Alas, all good things must come to an end. Biggie told me that he had taught me all he could, and that I must go on a vision quest to find my true self. As I waved goodbye, Biggie called me back. He had to tell me one last thing, and that was the meaning of the scroll:

"There's No Place Like Home"

I was speechless, but then Biggie explained that the power to be a ballet master was always within myself. I never really had to go on this adventure. Now that I had learned this timeless lesson, I had to return to where I came. It was time to return home.

After the journey, I was at my house. Upon entering, I noticed it was completely trashed. Bookshelves knocked over, smashed plates and glasses, broken furniture everywhere. I went into my father's room, and found Reginald. Reginald! He lay there, in a puddle of his own blood. One of my fathers child statues sticking through his chest. His moustache ripped off, laying next to him, yet still glistening. I never cared about my mother or my father, but Reginald... I couldn't believe it.

A note was on a workbench. My father had killed Reginald, out of jealousy, hatred and insanity. I knew then that I must avenge Reginald's death. I had to take my recently acquired ballet skills on the road, and track down my evil father. I must defeat him with the art of ballet in an ultimate dance showdown.

My vision quest/revenge adventure was only beginning.

Before avenging my dear friend Reginald, there was one thing that had to be done. I must take his body back to the edge of the forest and burn it, for I could not stand my only friend dead in my enemies house. I carried him through town, random people screaming in awe as I walked by. When I finally reached the forest I gently put Reginald down and placed him properly and put his moustache on for once last time. I stared at him for a moment. Oh how I missed his warmth and comfort.

But that was all gone now.

I began to light him on fire when I noticed specks of light flying above us. I could not comprehend what they were exactly, but they appeared to be firefly-like creatures and they could communicate with eachother fairly well.

Suddenly they swarmed Reginalds dead body. Eating his corpse like a vulture would a dead animal. I tried to get them off, swatting viciously but it was no use. I was sure Reginald was consumed by now. I sat and I cried. I could not even do such a simple task as burn Reginald, how was I supposed to kill my father?

I felt a hand on my shoulder. Startled, I looked up slowly. Through my tears I saw Reginald standing before me, moustache and all. I began to speak but he stopped me.

"The creatures were not consuming me." He spoke in his manly voice. "They were but giving me life once again. They forfeit theirs for mine. We must thank them."

I nodded. I missed him so much. I put my arms around him never wanting to let him go. Reginald spoke again, ruining that thought.

"Your father was not the one who killed me, your mother was." Reginald said.

"My mother? That doesn't make any sense my mother died!"

"Yes, she died many years ago, when you were very young. She was not an alligator but an evil hag-witch deep in the forest. She was jealous of you when you were born because your father loved you so much. So she went deep into the forest, trying to find some way of revenge for you. Her powers grew and she could transform into many animals but when she died she replaced herself inside of your father. He was controlled by her."

"This is all so much. I don't think I can handle this." I sobbed. This journey had been too difficult and I just wanted my life to be back to the way it had been. "How do you know all of this?"

Reginald looked at me carefully. His moustache was perfectly shaped around his upper lip. "Lets go back to town. I will explain everything there. I have something that I need to show you. I've always wanted to show you it but you were not ready. Come now."

And off we were, back towards the town that I would have to kill my evil-hag mother. Reginald whipped it out. "You see the lightning bolt on my genitalia? Aye lad, 'tis no tattoo. It was placed upon me by your mother in her original form."

"But why?"

"She couldn't very well go on with two souls within one body. Your father's spirit had to go somewhere."

"Into your penis?" I asked.

"No, son, into me."

Crashing thunder shattered the awkward silence.

He continued, "I wasn't in this body at first either. She had the nerve to make love to an alligator in order to transfer my soul within the beast. I suffered for years sharing that vile creature's diseased body. Fortunately, a nasty crocodile wrestler bandit whose attempt to poach me was thwarted by a mage or at least some fucker with a staff, nice guy, but anywho, that poacher now feels the suffering I would have surely been doomed with." He paused. "My child, if you ever come across a crocodile with a lightning bolt on its tallywack, run. I can only imagine the hate it must share for us both."

"What about mom?!" I cried out. "I don't know whether to kill her or ask for child support."

"Give me the scroll, and I'll tell you what we're going to do." His voice grew wicked.
The scroll said " On to this way is Helms Deep" I told reginald teh niggar to give me some helms deep if you know what i mean! *wink wink* so after that helms deep he gave me we went to go kill my mom.

I went to the forest and saw some cool music cd's. I started listening to some backstreet boys and I started dancing. OUT OF NOWHERE MY BALLET SLIPPERS GREW BIGGER!!!!!! they grew to the size of elephants and I became an oliphant. rock and roll north carolina.

I am huge now and I go off to find this stupid bitch mom and I come by a black man. It was Bill Cosby. He started doing his kids says the darndest thing gig with me. I fell in love. Bill Cosby is the best damned nigger on the planet.

Well turns out Bill Cosby was not the man to love. He was evil with claws the size of WTC. That means they small cuz WTC got OWNED. The mans legs were 2 times bigger than me however. So I was in for a battle. ME VS BILL COSBY ROUND 1!

FIGHT!!!!

We rumbled in the jungle, this was the greatest challenge of my life. Bill Cosby just seemed to grow more powerful as we fought, while I was becoming more and more tired. We rocked out so hard we sent eachother through the stratosphere. The battle raged on in space for years.

Finally, Bill Cosby used his Jello Hadoken and sent me flying backwards into the moon. The moon exploded on impact, I was neardeath. Bill Cosby picked me up by the face with his claw hands. Laughing manically, he tossed me into the sun. He did his victory dance like on the beginning of the Crosby Show. His son, Theo Huxtable, ran up and gave him a jumping highfive as the words "KO!" appeared in from of him, and then "Game Over."

Totally destroyed by the sun's flames, I was sent into Hell. Satan was there and he really liked my clothes. He thought they were totally stylin`. I danced my shaolin ballet heart out, just like Biggie had trained me to. Satan called all his undead buddies to watch. They totally dug my groove.

Satan said, "Holyhell, you are the most intense person I've ever seen. Your dance skills blow mine away, I think I'll send you back to Earth. You deserve it with those moves."

Suddenly, a black and purple smoke smelling of brimstone filled the room. It cleared, and there stood my mother the witch. She was in her true form, and said ``Sup Devil, I'll take care of this runt. Vwee hee hee!!!``

Satan charged towards my mother. He would not let her lay a finger on me, but with a swift movement of her wrinkled hag hand, Satan was damned back into the fiery pits of hell and I was left alone with nothing to help me.

I stood very still, my confidence had dwindled down to nothing.

"You are weak! Never would I create a child as pathedic as you." My hag mother stated coldy. "Now, I will send you down into a place deeper and darker than Hell. A place you will never be able to escape from and if you do, then you might have the chance of living long enough to battle me. This is a place where no light utters through cracks. Your cell bars will slowly eat away at your flesh but you do not die. Oh no, you will never die. The depth of the blackness will consume you as it surrounds you. Now, BEGONE."

And with a quick swift of her hand, I was indeed sent into this evil place, with nothing but the darkness to comfort me.

However, the darkness left as I opened my eyes. I was frozen while handing Reginald the scroll.

"What just happened..." I whispered.

"I asked you to give me the scroll and you just started staring off into space."

"Mother must have just given me a vision or something."

"She's controlling your mind?"

"I don't know. I can't tell what's real and what isn't anymore. One second I was talking to you, the next I was fighting Bill Cosby, the next I was in something worse than Hell."

"It must be a warning. She's trying to scare you away from her."

"Reginald, father, I can't give you this scroll. I fear it's all that is keeping her from taking over my mind."

"You must. It's the only way we can defeat her. Try to stay in control."

"I can't." And then I collapsed on the ground.

Reginald lifted me and carried me off towards his house.

"We'll have to fight her another day, but for now, you must fight her inside your head. I won't have my only son be taken over by the same evil witch who's taken over me. Save your strength, my child."

When my eyes opened again, I saw no one. I was in the forest alone. This was becoming too much to handle.

So I went to the pizza party. me and my best friend orlando was rocking the house with our break dancing skills. I showed him my new hip hop playas bounce. these crazy ass whiteboys came and tried to ruin the party. thankfully a noble friend of mine came.

"Take it on the dance floor boys!" he said with a super sexy smile on his black face. We started dancing to some busta rhymes and shit. Out of nowhere this cool cat named ry4n came in a car and pumped his breaks!

He yelled "NIGGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" scared us away mayn. we ran into the alley and I drank a 40. fushi came along and told me this " wrong story dood sup lets ffxi" Oh shit wrong story loal back to the main thang.

So in the forest reginald told me some wise words "take the scroll of ryANUS into the temple of PENISAUR"

"Sup just kidding," replied Reginald, "The last few days have been tough cookies, let's go ice skating and relax." I was glad to be with Reginald again, and relaxing was just the medicine I needed.

We went to the ice rink at the mall and did some figure-8s together. It was a lot of fun, I had the time of my life. Afterwards, we went and got some ice cream at the Dairy Queen. There were some no good punks messing with old ladies there. We taught them a lesson with the power of shaolin ballet and lead pipes.

It was good to be with Reginald again, but it was also weird. Reginald was my father... all along. My mother ws my father... all along. There was also something about an alligator, mage and poacher. I had no idea. But all I knew was my mother was evil and had to be stopped. I also knew I was no match for her alone, even with my father's help and my ballet powers.

After we finished our chocolate sundaes, we decided that we must form a ragtag team of heroes to help in defeating my superpowerful witch mother. I knew just who to ask first, the wise old turtle shaman who lived under the bridge on the west side of town, behind the Circle K. He was sure to join us and bring with him anicent shamanistic powers. He was also an expert breakdancer, just the kind of skills that'd go well with my ballet.

And so me and Reginald were off to talk to Mr. Turtle. Skipping through town was a blast and I realized how much I had actually missed my town that I spent my childhood in. It was good to be back in it with everything being relatively normal. Of course, as I was thinking this, two silhouettes appeared down the alley that took us to Circle K.

"They must be assassinators sent by your mother." Reginald spoke almost too softly to hear. "We must take the river which the bridge goes over to get to Circle K, this path is not safe."

Swiftly, we pranced to the river. Reginald went in first. I stood peering down at it.

"Well come in already, we don't have all day the assassinators are probably close behind us."

"I can't. The scroll. The scroll will get wet."

"No it won't. Don't you know by now that this scroll cannot be destroyed. Comeon let's get moving."

I was skeptical but I hopped in. Reginald was right, the scroll had not been harmed by the water.

We were on our way now, gently and quietly swimming down the river. The bridge was in sight and upon it were the two strange silhouettes staring at us in the moonlight.

Two sparkling yellow beams struck Reginald and I. We were being peed on. The glow from the urine allowed me to see the dark figures clearly; it was Andre 3000 and Big Boi.

"They aren't assassins dressed in black. They're just black." Reginald whispered, and then screamed at them while throwing a heavy rock, "You niggers get the fuck out of here! We're trying to have a klan meeting!"

"Oh shit!" one of them shouted, and they took off with their pants still unzipped, shrivelling in the breeze as they ran, while singing in unison, "'Cause the whole world loves it when you don't get down.
And the whole world loves it when you make that sound..."

When I looked back at them a second time, they had become evil circus clowns, now hiding in a far away tree off in the distance. "Father," I began saying, "What if they could help us? They appear to have some sort of power."

"Hell no. I killed clown ass niggers like them during my military days back in the Somalian circus ambush. Too many bad memories. It would be like being forced to watch Black Hawk Down all over again, the worst movie ever by the way." He said all of this with the most serious-business look on his face.

We reached the other side of the river, and began walking towards the Circle K, but no one appeared to be there. The lights flickered. All was quiet, as though something were about to happen, like a random fart, but something much worse. HOLY SHIT ALL OF THE SUDDEN LOUD ROCK MUSIC STARTED BLASTING OUT OF NOWHERE!!!! Zombies began crashing out the windows of Circle K, and flowing out through the doors.

I took a few steps back, preparing to flee, but Reginald grabbed me and said sternly, "We fight this one out."

"We need help! We need Biggie, or the forest mage, or the ..." He slapped me.

"No". And with that, Reginald's hair began glowing.

sup so I decided I gotta stop being a pussy. This was a test of my courage. I SCREAMED " LETS FIGHT YUOU SON OF A BITCHES" AND I THREW THOSE STUPID FUCKING SLIPPERS OFF. FORGOT ABOUT ALL THAT PUSSY SHIT. TOLD REGINALD TO GO GET A JOB NIGGER. IT IS TIME TO FIGHT. I CHARGED A ZOMBIE AND THREW PUNCHES AND PUNCHED HOLES IN THEIR HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I ALSO KICKED THEIR FUCKING HEADS OFF.

Reginald's hair was glowing and shit and I'm like wtf faggot. I guess that son of a bitch had a trick up his sleave. It didn't matter cuz I killed all the zombies cuz I gained this power during the battle. Its hard to explain but I felt invincible out there. Reginald said " Good job how did you get so strong and courageous?" I told him "Go home Reginald."

Now I was on my journey alone. To kill an obviously inferior female. I will fuck up my mom because I'm no longer a pussy. The scroll is gone. I threw it away because I'm sick of this scroll bullshit. This is going to be a straight up street brawl. Finally, I meet my mom.

I say " sup lets battle hunny" My mother can't speak because she is too scared! I CHARGED AT HER WITH FULL SPEED!!!!!! SHE STARTED LAUGHING LOL AND SAID "HARHAR" I THREW A PUNCH AT HER AND SHE FLEW 10000000000 feet into a mountain and the mountain blew up. However, she flew into the air as if she wasn't touched. This was going to be a bigtime battle. I started screaming "I WILL DEFEAT YOU MOTHER" and then i started unleashing anger in me "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" I became stronger and faster. I became a super saiyan. I had a stare down with my mom for 5 episodes. Then the true battle came.

My mother came at me with fists of fury but I performed a ballet twirl that sent her spinning past. She came at me again and hit me into the air, then did that thing where she appears above me and hits me back down and then appears below me and hits me back up etc etc. I broke out of it and we flew around in the air battling it out.

We started battling at faster than light speed due to my super saiyan super speed and my mother's intense magical powers. Since things that move at above light speed travel in time and all that jazz, we ended up opening a transdimensional time-wave anomaly worm hole space portal. We got sucked into it and thrown into a huge laboratory that was located in a timeless pocket of the multiverse. We were both stuck in some sort of green liquid, inside of glass containers.

Everyone was there, floating in the tubes. My father, the poacher, the alligator, Biggie, Sir Prinnybottoms, the turtle shaman, the mage, the zombie, Bill Cosby, and even Satan. A man resembling Doc from Back to the Future stood examining the tubes.

"You guys are totally wack. I've been watching your adventures and they are completely insane. You've messed with reality way too much and it's hurting the universe. I figure you can't go on doin` that without some sort of punishments," he pushed a huge red bottom on the side of the wall.

Electrical currents flew from each tube to the next in a dizzying display of science! Sparks bounced and computers beeped and lights flashed. The scientist had switched all of our minds, no one was who they appeared physically. I was in the body of the zombie, that's all I knew. Everyone was different, I wondered which one was Reginald and which was my mother but I could not tell.

The scientist pushed another button, throwing us through another timespace warp portal, and back to Earth. We were scattered on all the furtherest corners of the planet. I found myself, as a zombie, standing in line at a Waffle House in New Jersey.

I asked for a menu as politely as I could, but apparently I couldn't speak in any language they would understand. I guess it didn't matter much because I doubted they had brain pancake on the menu anyhow. I was hungry though. "Ah well," I thought, "the waitress is probably as tasty as anyone else."

After eating my server I walked along the streets. It was getting late at night and I still did not know where I was, but I began to worry if something would happen to me when the sun came up. Damn me for not knowing any of this movie trivia like the rest of my nerdy friends! In my frustrastion, I kicked a rock and as I looked down I saw Sir. Prinnybottom's at my feet. Or was it? We had all been switched, yes. This could be anyone of us. Even my mother. I thought about killing it just in case but I decided not to because it could also be Reginald.

"Sir PrinnyBottoms?" I asked casually.

"No, I'm afraid not son. Oh no what am I to do! What have I done! Wait, this is all your fault! If you didn't start screwing with everything in my world I never would've had to deal with you and now just look at me!"

"w-who.. in the hell ..are you?" The confusion was almost too much for me. I felt as though I had been sick for days without any medicine to help me through it.

"I never did introduce myself to you filthy rats. I'm the scientist who transformed you, of course."

By this time I became quite annoyed. "If I was in your position, I wouldn't be calling anyone a fithy rat besides yourself."

"Hmmp. Well, my name is Dr. Lothario and I went through hell in college to get that title so respect me you little -

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't send you flying as far as I kicked that rock a few seconds ago." I was actually becoming quite hungry again. Zombies are never satisfied with just one brain I suppose.

"Well, you want everyone to be back in their original body again right? I sure as hell don't want to be stuck living in the dumps with this rat body."

"What's your point?"

"Don't you know by now. I'm the Dr. of the universe. I can undo and redo anything. In just the blink of an eye I could turn you back into you, and your father back into your father in his original form. I could make everything back to normal for you. Your mother could cease to exist. Reginald, unfortunately would not know you because he only found you because your father was inside of him. You all are a very confusing bunch" Dr. Lothario, I came to realize, wasn't too bad of a person in the long run.

"Well do it already!"

"Son, I can't do it if I'm not in my original form. There's only one thing to get me back to my original form and I know what it is, but I cannot tell you or else it would not work. You must figure out this mystery which some call the mystery of the universe. The question that every living creature contemplates at some point in their life. I can go with you on your journey to find the answer, but I cannot help you."

"I just wan't everything to be back to normal. That's all I want." This whole go on a journey to find happiness this was being a little played out for me. "But if this is what I must do, then I guess it is what I must do. But first... I'm hungry. Let's eat."

I was next to a dumpster, so I decided to look inside... maybe I'd find a body? Sir Prinnybottoms, or rather, Dr. Lothario, seemed to find himself interested as to what I would find as well, possibly just due to his new body, possibly because he'd always eaten out of dumpsters.. I didn't bother asking. He hopped up onto the edge as I lifted the lid and glanced inside. But then, for no good reason, my arm broke off, and once again, as the dumpster lid slammed shut, the rodent body of Dr. Lothario was gruesomely decapitated.

"Well now I guess I'm stuck in this body..." I said apathetically. He was then eaten, by an unknown-zombie me.

Somehow, this once again screwed up everything. I felt time and space shift all around me, and found myself in yet another body, the living body of Sir Prinnybottoms, upon the scroll within a dark iron box.

I soon heard the familiar voice of Reginald say, "Take this, go north of town, across Jazzbunny Creek and into the forest there. Deep within this forest, you'll find your answers... Just be careful."

I felt myself being carried away.

Knowing what I knew had happened before, I lept from the box before it would've killed me. I came face to face with myself, only I had a goatee. I didn't have a goatee before so I was ``What the hell, why do I have a goatee?``
The goatee'd me looked at the Prinny me and said "What???" and then stepped on me, squashing me, and laughing manically. I turned into an Angel Rat and rose before my old, yet goatee'd, body.

"I am you, only from the future, and I didn't have a goatee, and I'm not really a rat, I was stuck in this body I don't know why. Everything is crazy."

Goatee me looked angry, "You aren't me?! I am on a quest to become a tap dancer, and to use my tap dancing skills to take over the world and kill all freakin rats!!! Mwahahaha." He pulled out a Ghostbusters Proton Pack and shot me with his Ghostbuster laser thing. Reginald threw out a ghost trap, and I got sucked into it.
It felt like an eternity trapped in that machine, until one day I was released. My mother was standing over me, only she was dressed in a fairy godmother outfit.

"Alternative Reality Son, do not worry, I know all that has happened. I have releashed you from my husband's evil trap, for he had taken over my reality's son, in order to trick Reginald into teaching him the ways of Wu Tang tap dance. He plans to take over the entire world and enslave it for his own greedy desires. He also hates rats and wants to destroy them all!"

"Holy hell."

I decided to join my boy reginald and enslave all those mutha fuckas. so we was at the fatburger and shit know what i'ms aying yeaaaaaaa!!!!! Then he ate these mo fuckin french fries and I was like wow. we wu tang tap danced the fatburger for free food cuz we are tite.

Then we went to the movies to go see You Got Served. We used our wu tang tap dance to make everybody under our control. I got a tub of popcorn and huge drink and only ate like 2 pieces of the popcorn. I started dancin while they were dancing in the movie it was cool.

So after the movies we decided to get some cash. we wu tang tap danced the closest wells fargo and got mad cash. we started throwing cash around and said "bling bling, NIGGA!" it was pretty fun.

Then we went to our real destination. The news. we are going to take control of everyone watching news and use them to eat peoples brains. merry christmas. just as we were about to crawl out of the air ducts all stealthy like (this was the only way we could sneak into the news room) i fell through the vent and hit my head on the news camera that was filming the weatherman. when this happened i woke up and realized that i had rolled out of bed and hit my head on a giant chest. my head was throbbing and i couldnt remember anything other than what i thought i had been dreaming. maybe it wasnt a dream, or was it? i really had no idea, but if it wasnt a dream then who am i and wtf am i doing here. suddenly, i realized that i had to take a monster crap so i ran to the door and tried to open it, but there was no handle and i couldnt figure out how to make it open. i couldnt hold it in much longer so i went to go in the corner, but the room was a circle! as a last resort i decided to release my load in the chest i had hit my head on, it deserved it for being so hard anyway. i opened the chest but before i sat on it i noticed there was a big gold coin thing that looked like an Aztec calendar or something so i put it in my shoe because i had no pcokets in the robe that i was wearing.

after i had gotta a monstrous amount of shit out of my body i was exhausted so i layed back down on the bed to take a nap, but i couldnt get to sleep because the smell coming from the chest was too distracting. i went back to trying to find a way out of this circular room with a door that had no handle. i searched all around it, but could find no way out. i began to realize that i was completely helpless and there was nothing i could do to save myself so i decided to kill myself, but how i wanted to end my pittiful life i wasnt sure. first i thought id hang myself, but there was no rope and nothing to tie it to anyway. i couldnt stab myself through the heart because i had no sword. it occurred to me that maybe i could jump off the bed somehow and break my neck or crack my head open so i tried that for a while, but it just made my head hurt more. i began to get a little dizzy and then i thought to myself "you stupid idiot! all you have to do is stick your head in the chest and you will pass out and then suffocate in your own shit."

this was perfect, i could end my miserable life and be completely original at the same time. without hesitation i stuck my head in the chest and as i got more and more dizzy my life flashed before my eyes. one thing that i saw while this was happening was a creepy toadlike thing asking me a joke, it said, "how do you get out of a room with nothing in it and no doors or windows?" i pondered its question for a while, but couldnt concentrate hard enough to figure out the answer because after it had asked me it began giving me a bj. when i had came all over the toadlike things face i said, "that was amazing! but i dont know, how do you get out of a room like that?" it replied with, "your cum tastes like watermelon, to get out of the room all you have to do is run around in circles until you tire yourself out." Just before I took my last breath, my hallucinations were getting the better of me, I realize this now. At the time, however, I saw my life flash before my eyes. I saw my childhood and I saw myself sitting on the sofa with Reginald watching tv after school. I was dying but as I took my last breath I realized something. I discovered the meaning of life: friendship, companionship, love. They are all the key elements to living. Love is like oxygen. All you need is love.

As I thought this a bright light flashed before my eyes! I stood with my friends in the science lab with Dr. Lothario. Dr. Lothario stood smiling, which was a rare case indeed.

"You've done it, son. You've discovered the meaning of life and you have saved us all." Dr. Lothario spoke.

I realized now that I was back in my original form. I also remembered now what I was trying to accomplish. "Yes, yes love is the meaning of life. Love and friendship! Will you turn everyone back into their original form?? Will you make everything normal?" I was getting very excited now, it seemed the end of my long, strange journey was close.

"Yes, yes I can change everyone back to their original form. But you do realize that when I do this, Reginald will be gone. He was never in your family circle, his body was only used for it." Dr. Lothario said.