Okay... Today

Okay

I can't believe it's been thirty years,
Since that awful day you went away.
So many times I held back the tears,
But now the tears are here to stay

It didn't happen; it wasn't real
I wouldn't allow myself to feel
I ran away. I tried to hide.
I pushed my feelings down deep inside.

I turned to the bottle, and to weed,
But they never met my growing need.
There was a hole in me I couldn't fill,
With alcohol, grass, or any pill.

It swallowed me up and made me insane.
It made me swap the pleasure for pain.
Then many years later the silence broke,
When a friend listened gently and I spoke.

For the first time in quite a long time.
At first there was no reason or rhyme.
I just had to let it out, and shout:
"What's it all about?" I had to find out.

It's about what's inside my aching heart.
That is the place where I must surely start,
To ask myself "What if?" and not ask "Why?"
To ask "What if you didn't really die?"

What if you kept on living somewhere else?
Would I feel better about myself?
Knowing that one day we two could talk,
And once again side by side we'd walk.

Surely my heart would fill with joy
As we'd share our milk and Chips 'o Hoy!
Just like before, we'd laugh once more,
And share all the love we have in store.

"What if?" you never really left me?
And when I fell you were there to catch me?
"What if?" you know all about me now?
And still manage to love me somehow.

How would I respond? What would I say?
"Oh Daddy, I finally feel okay."
"Please stay here and never go away."
"I'll keep you in my heart every day."