College is Spelled P-O-O-R

After high school there are three choices for the graduating senior: attending a college or university, joining the military, or being condemned to the workforce without a college degree and playing whack-a-mole for the rest of your life. Now, the majority of high school seniors choose option one because no one is good at whack-a-mole because it is an inherently silly game. There is also the fact that information stating college is necessary has been forced down our throats since first grade, but that really had no effect.

There is only one setback to attending a college, and it comes even before the entire attending the college part. This hindrance is, of course, the college application process. As seniors already know, and underclassmen will soon find out, the college application process is a pain in the posterior, or a sore in the sit-upon. This process has many long and involved steps that start even before birth. Parents will make sure that they have as little money as possible set aside for college, so the child will be in vast amounts of debt after college. The key word in that sentence was debt. Debt will be a reoccurring term throughout the application process. In effort to make debt sound more appealing, it will now be referred to as “poverty stricken”.

After birth, the next step to the process comes when the child enters eleventh or twelfth grade. This marks the beginning of the all important college visit phase. During this period, college visits will be frequent where happy go lucky tour guides tell you all the positive things about the college’s campus while neglecting to tell you all the horrible things. For instance, the words “We have a great football team” may be heard, but the fact that classes are taught by the same people who coach that football team, will not be mentioned. Along with other useless information, a large folder with many pamphlets of paper will usually be received. These pamphlets are most often about “How to Get Accepted”, “Financial Aid”, and “What Not to do When Attacked by the School’s Mascot.” The third pamphlet will prove to be the most useful in the long run because of how volatile school mascots are.

After all the schools of interest have been visited, a list must be compiled ranking the colleges. At the top of the list is the college which will make the prospective student the most poverty stricken. This is what will be called the “reach school”. A reach school is important because it gives a student false hopes, which are essential learning tools in life.

After college visits comes the all important application itself. An application has approximately 20 pages and has frivolous questions that help the college gain insight to a student’s psyche. Then, after questions about your race, religion, gender, eye color, approximate height, favorite fishing location, and average shower length, comes the essay. Yes, the essay, the most feared part of the entire application. There have been horror stories where admissions officers have glanced at an essay, saw a grammatical error, laughed, and then dropped it like it was hot out the window of the admissions building. In order for this not to happen, extreme precautions must be taken to make sure the submitted essay is flawless. This is why an essay must be read by a teacher, a guidance counselor, parents, and every member of the United Nations. Then and only then can the essay be sent out and read by an admissions officer where it hopefully won’t be laughed at and dropped like it’s hot.

The final stages of the application process is vying for scholarships and waiting. In theory a student applies for a scholarship based on the fact that money will be received for the scholarship. However, in reality thousands of kids are applying for the same scholarship and chances of winning it are slim to none. This is why there should be a scholarship that is given to every student. It will be called the “Big Bag O’ Cash Scholarship”, and every student will be given a large sack of cash that will greatly improve the financial predicament that nearly all high school seniors face. As for waiting, it really is just, well, a waiting game. Applications are sent out in November; at least that is what guidance counselors say they should be sent out by. Then, wait until February or March to receive answers from the schools you applied to. A fat envelope means there is an acceptance letter inside and a skinny envelope means rejection. So, do not even bother opening the skinny envelopes because it will just be a disheartening experience.

Despite all of the aggravation caused by the college application, it is completely necessary, I think. Well, that’s what I was told in first grade anyway.