Paco and the Giant Frijole Stalk

Paco and the Giant Frijole Stalk


There once was a little boy named Paco, who lived in the small pueblo of Taco. His family was very poor because his father made very little pesos; "My name is Rico Swave, I pick your fruit so you don't have to!" His mother, Malaria, had died in a mysterious picadillo accident; her body was never recovered, but soon after the town had food for weeks.

One day, Paco's father, "Rico Swave!", had saved enough pesos to buy a hila monster. "Now, you bring ugly lizard home and we finally eat first time this week. No more sugar and water! Arriba-a-a, ya, ya, ya, ya!" Paco did as his father bid him, but on his way back he encountered a mysterious stranger with one eye and one leg. "Hey, lizard boy," he called, "I will trade you three magic frijoles for lizard."

"I do not know...," replied Paco.

"Oh, come on, you be frijole boy, and I be lizard man. Please, I have nothing in life. Selena want to marry me, but I say 'no'. Then when I serve in revolutionary war I lose eye and leg to the cacti-mimes, I did not hear them coming, those silent bastardos!"

Paco took pity on the old and senile man, and traded him for the magic frijoles that were to grow a giant stalk. When Paco came home, his father, "Rico Swave!", was furious. "You and your damn frijoles!" And tossed them out of Paco's window. "No sugar and water for you, go to bed!" Paco felt very foolish and did not know how to make it up to his father, "Rico Swave!".

The next morning when Paco woke up, he looked outside his window to behold a giant frijole stalk that had indeed grown overnight. "Maybe if I climb stalk and bring back food my father ("Rico Swave!") will forgive me!" he exclaimed. So it was that Paco climbed all the way to the top of the frijole stalk, beyond the clouds.

When Paco reached the top he saw a giant's house. This frightened him because he had always heard stories of a giant janitor who would beat humans with his broom, then have his wife, the cafeteria lady, cook them for his dinner. Nonetheless, Paco bravely carried on for the sake of him and his father.

The door was open, so he quietly walked in, and as he turned the corner he ran into a small dog. "Who are you?" asked the dog, with a heavy mexican accent like that of Paco's.

"Ah! A talking dog!"

"What? You have a problem with talking dogs?"

"Well, I can't say that I've ever met one before. I'm Paco, and I come from the small pueblo of Taco. I came here by climbing a giant frijole stalk to find food. I am so hungry, can you help me?"

"Well, considering I am a Chihuahua who burps up chalupas with extra cheese, I think I can."

Then suddenly the Chihauhua gave a large belch and made a chalupa with extra cheese fall out of his mouth. Paco quickly ate it. "That was incredible!"

"I'll make a deal with you, ese," the dog proposed, "I will supply you with food for the rest of your life, if you take me back to your pueblo of Taco. Do you know how many times a day I have to burp up chalupas with extra cheese just to keep the giant happy? It's become involutary! Oh, here comes another one. Ay Dios mio, it would be so much easier if they came out the other end!"

Suddenly, they heard the footsteps of the giant. "Follow me," said the Chihuahua, "if he catches you, his wife, the lunch lady, will cook you for his dinner, and he will make me do that stupid dance where you jump around a sombrero." The dog lead Paco to a cupboard and hid him in there. "Stay here until I get you," and with that, the dog left.

Paco could see the giant through a little crack. "I smell something fishy," spoke the giant, taking big whiffs of air. "Fe, Fi, Fo, Fum, I will beat you with my broom!" Then, by a stroke of luck, the giant's wife called, "Jose, put down that broom and come eat your burro al fuego and flan de carne that I have slaved all day to make!" The giant reluctantly put down his broom and gorged on his wife's dinner.

Paco sighed, "That was a close one"

"Son of a Shalaile, it's a mexican boyle!" said a voice.

"Did you just call me a wart?" Paco inquired.

"Well, don't we have a smart little whelp on our hands!" exclaimed another.

"Did you just call me a wart again?" Then the two voices began to argue with one another.

"Shove a cork in it you fur-derik!"

"Don't call me a freak'n fur-derik, you liar!"

"Don't make me shove a keg up where the Chihuahua shoulda bit ya!"

Paco was shocked, "Wait, wait, who are you?"

"The question is, boyle, who are you? This is our cupboard."

"I am Paco, I come from the pueblo of Taco, I climbed up a giant frijole stalk, ran into a talking dog who gave me a chalupa with extra cheese, and I'm going to help him get away from the evil giant."

"Could you've been a bit more vague boyle, lest ye confuse us all?"

"Aye...so the the freakin' chalupa with extra cheese burping Chihuahua was going to leave us here, that little gold stealing leprechaun!"

"Are you a pair of Irish talking maracas?" inquired Paco.

"I'm Scottish, you stupid, impotent mexican pig!"

Paco was shocked, "And you wonder why the Chihuahua was going to leave you here, you drunken maracas."

"I think the boyle is right."

"Shut-up," snapped the Scottish maraca.

"I know how you can help," said Paco.

At that moment the dog opened the cupboard. "Ay, Dios mio, he's been talking to the drunken maracas." They then concocted a plan. After the giant's dinner, the maracas - after much drunken debate - played the Charmin toilet paper jingle until the giant fell asleep. Then they all snuck out and down the bean stalk, but little did they know that the giant had woken up.

"Well, it looks like we escaped, now all we have to do is rent a goat to chew through the frijole stalk," said Paco. Suddenly the Irish maraca exclaimed: "Oh! Mother's love and all that is holy, the giant is right on our coattails like a hot potato runnin' after a pot of gold post calling the kettle black!"

"How did he find us?" asked Paco.

"St. Parsarvas, he's followin' a trail of chalupas!"

"Don't look at me ese," said the dog, "it's involuntary."

Suddenly the man with one eye and one leg reappeared. "Hey, frijole boy, I trade you frijole stalk eating termites for chalupa dog."

"I give you five chalupas from dog and you give me frijole stalk eating termites," bargained Paco. The old man agreed, and they quickly made the exchange, and the frijole stalk eating termites ate the frijole stalk, sending the giant to his demise.

Paco was so happy, he did a dance around a sombrero on the ground, singing, "My name is Paco, I live in Taco, la, la, la, la, la!" accidently crushing the two back legs of an innocent cockroach; giving birth to the Mexican sombrero hat dance and the cucaracha.

The old man had magically transformed into Fabio, as it turned out, he was under a spell that Selena had cast on him for not marrying her. To break it he had to sell three magic frijoles to a boy named Paco in a pueblo called Taco, and then eat five chalupas with extra cheese that were burped up by a talking Chihuahua. "I think I never be pretty again, but I was wrong."

The giant had fallen on the town adjacent Taco, killing everyone. All commerce and trade shifted there, giving the town much prosperity.

The talking chalupa with extra cheese burping Chihuahua became the spokesdog for Taco Bell, and the two drunken maracas took the place of the Charmin bears after a rumble in the forest. Noone beats two drunken maracas - the bears learned this the hard way. They all made millions.

Paco was forgiven by his father, "Rico Swave!", who adopted the Chihuahua and the maracas, and now has someone else to pick his fruit for him. And they all lived happily ever after. The End. And they never figured out that they had accidentally eaten Malaria, Paco's mother, who, unfortunately, had been the picadillo.




In Order of Appearence
pueblo: village
picadillo: ground beef
pesos: form of currency
frijole(s): bean(s)
bastardos: bastards
sombrero:hat
Dios mio: my God
burro al fuego: flaming donkey
fan de carne: meat custard

On a personal note: I apologize for the crude characters, and pathetic version of the Jack and the Bean Stalk story plot.

All characters and events portrayed are fictional. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.