1993

Typed as written in 1993, so if it sounds...hell just read it. Side note: Wow! Did I really sound like that?

Written: November 24,1993

Loneliness
a disease of the heart
A Child
condemned from the start
Choice
a decision to make
Reason
sanity at stake
Time
a healing friend
Life
lonely again



Written: November 26,1993

In every ones life there comes a time when someone special enters their heart. In my life there have been many crushes but these five men stand out, and I’ll tell you why.

Mark came in the form of a childhood friend who I eventually began to see as more than that. Nothing happened between us, we were only friends. He made me feel special because he would talk to me, and spend time with me. He wasn’t like any other guy I was friends with at that time. He was wonderful. We grew apart.

Mario came in the form of a schoolmate. He was beautiful and sexy and overwhelming. The other boys followed his lead. He was a James Dean type. He made me smile. He gave me my first nickname too. We were friends I guess. I never really let him go in my head because he was a guy that I dreamed about only in the purest way. We would dance and just be in each other’s arms. No sex involved. He made me feel good. We lost track.

Michael was a friend-so to speak- of my brother’s. he was older than me. He was the first guy that thought of me in a sexual manner. He was the lead in many of my fantasies. Not because I liked him, but because I was beginning to have sexual urges at the time of his interest. Process of elimination, he was the only one that made advances of that nature toward me. My interest in him was nothing more than that. We grew away from each other.

Maurice. This guy was something else. He was an accident. We ‘met’ under false pretenses. Never the less we had something special. We made each other feel good with words only. We became friendly and nothing more. Pride was our destroyer. If we could have gotten pass our beginning, we could have had a hell of a middle and ending. We never got pass it. We moved apart.

Donta came in the form of a co-worker. He peeked my interest from the start. We became friends. We had fun together. We made each other laugh. He made me feel good. We started something other than friendship. It would have been great. I ran away.

All of these guys still make me think about a time 'when'...none of them, except Michael were at fault for what didn’t happen. I’m still a virgin at 22, and I think about what could have been a lot.

Unbelievable. I don't feel an ounce of emotion for any of these guys. Take note young ones: It fades! Don't get so bent out of shape.



To whom it may concern,

Even though many people have entered my life, I still feel alone. Maybe it’s because I run when people try to get close to me. I don’t know how to let people in. I don’t trust so easily. There are to many back-stabbers out there. One day someone will enter my life and I won’t run, or maybe they won’t let me. When that happens maybe I’ll feel better inside. Hopefully I’ll feel happy one day. I guess I’ll just have to wait.

Later,

Me.

Now this is a bit depressing. But there is one thing that still holds true here. I still run. I might discuss that later.