Deception

My world turned upside down
All because of one man.
I try not to care about him.
It’s too hard.
He’s so sweet, so caring.
One look from him
and my heart melts,
one smile and I fall,
yet again,
in and out of love.
I kept my distance.
I watched him,
a different person.
He was distant,
depressed even.
Not the same I thought.
Not like he was.
He was happy,
cheerful.
That person was gone.
The person I loved
no longer existed.
I accepted that.
I was willing to move on,
find someone new.
Until that night,
when I discovered
that the person I loved
wasn’t really gone.
In reality here,
the whole time,
but not all the time,
only when he’s with me.
Not from a distance,
or around other people.
Only when he and I are together,
alone.
I wish there could be
more time like that,
just us.
It will never happen,
not how I want it to.
That’s why I tried to let go,
move on,
but I can’t.
Every time I do
that smile, that look,
pulls me back in,
into that cycle,
trying and failing.
It’s driving me mad,
breaking my heart,
one piece at a time.
He doesn’t know what he’s doing,
how could he?
And if he did,
he would stop.
He cares too much.
That’s why I go in circles.
Every minute of every day
my mind races
back and forth
like pulling pedals off a flower.
I love him,
I love him not.
Just like that,
in circles,
never ending.
I wish they would end
one way or another.