Against The Current

“What’s the deal, yo?”

The boy walked in the door of his ex-girlfriend’s apartment. It had been almost a year since he had last been inside. The picture of the two of them at the beach still hung in its frame above the television. They shared their first kiss that day. A smile found its way on his face. “What did you call me over for?”

She still stood in the doorway with a look of appreciation on her face. “You look good,” she said. “You look like you could use a shower. With me. Like, right now.”

“Hah! Still your same old self, I guess. Thanks, though, really. You look good too. Kind of makes me wish we never… Well, never mind.” He shifted his weight from his right foot to his left and shoved his hands in his jean pockets. His smile changed to one of embarrassment.

“No, you can say it,” she said quietly. “Truth is, I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I know that when I—“

“Wait,” he interrupted. “Say what? Do you think I was going to say I wish we were still together?”

“Well I—“

“Because I was.” He frowned and looked at the bed through the open door down the hallway. “If I said I can’t sleep without you, would you believe me?

The girl looked at his shoes. The same Nikes she bought him a week before the split. “I can’t… We can’t be… like…”

“Like what?”

“Like we’ve been!” She put her hand on her forehead and sighed. “Me, at least. I – I have been with seven guys since you. I forget their names, you know? I call them by yours; they deal with it. I look into their eyes and see you, though. I break up with them and remember them only by the ways they reminded me of you. I forget what they look like after a while. They all look the same to me. You know? They look like you.”

“That’s, uh, that’s pretty scary, actually,” he said. “I just can’t sleep without you. I don’t know about all that, I just can’t sleep. I just stare at the ceiling and listen to the fans.” He stopped. Giving everything a quick second thought, he resumed, “Actually, you know what? There’s a reason I haven’t started anything with anybody else. I just, well, I don’t know. Never mind.”

They stared at each other for a few moments, thoughts running through both of their heads.

“Should I get the hell out of here? I remember how she hurt me. If I stay I won’t be able to say no. I can just walk out. I thought I loved her but she couldn’t have felt the same. Could she? I don’t need her in my life. But why do I still care about her?”

“I wonder if it still hurts him. Look at the way he’s just standing there. I see him fidgeting with his keys in his pocket. I hope he doesn’t leave. I love you, please don’t do that. I wish I could tell him how sorry I am. Oh, that was why I told him to come over in the first place.”

She lifted her sleeve.

“Those cuts would be a few days old,” he asserted.

“I have more on my thighs. Please don’t walk away.” She shut the door finally and followed him over to the window across the room.

“Why?” The boy had tears in his eyes. “Why would you do that? What could possibly be so bad that—“

“I told you one time when we were together that I never wanted to live without you,” she blurted. “I guess that was even more true than I thought at the time.”

“Well it’s a good thing you got that figured out, don’t you think? I told you I loved you and the next day – THE NEXT DAY – you cheated on me. Two days later, you tell me you love me. A fucking MONTH later you tell me you’ve been with another guy.” Tears poured out of his face and his left knee buckled. He played it off and fell gracefully into the armchair next to him.

“Babe,” she started. “Baby…” The words just wouldn’t come.

“So you sliced your arms and legs up, so I should feel sorry for you again? I hate you for what you did to me. I can’t forgive that. I love you but — Shit. “He couldn’t believe those three words just came out of his mouth again.

“Every night I cry myself to sleep thinking about you, about all that I ruined. I don’t deserve to be forgiven by you but all I can ask is that you try because – please, please look at me – because I love you too. I’m sorry it took all this for me to see it but I finally have! I cut myself last night because, well not because I hate myself, but because I hate myself without you. I was a stupid little girl when I did that but my mind is right again!”

“No, hell no!” He shot up from his chair. “You’re out of your damn mind, girl. You’re absolutely fucking nuts. You need to get yourself some help and you need to never call me again. Forget about me. I hope I never see you again.” He started towards the door.

Tears welled up in her eyes. “Don’t leave! We are still talking! Please, don’t go.”

“I don’t know what I can say to you,” he said in surrender. “I’ve been unwell myself, but this isn’t the girl I left. I want you back so badly but you’re a damn nut! Remember when you were happy and you lived like you wanted to be here? I fell in love with you, but you’re not you anymore. I’ve been here ten minutes and I can see that.”

Her legs crumpled and she at on the floor with her head in her hands.

“Hey, look at me for a second,” he said. “You see that picture on the wall? Do you remember that day? We would have been fine if we never saw each other again after that day but we CHOSE to be together. We didn’t need each other. Don’t act like you need me now. Time will heal everything. We just weren’t meant to be together. We won’t die together someday, but that’s alright. For both of us.”

She stood up. The tears rolled down her face steadily.

As he wiped them away for the last time, their eyes met. He saw his own reflection in her eyes and felt a sudden rush of energy. “No! That’s not how it’s going to be,” he thought to himself. “It can’t be.”

He turned to walk out. He heard her footsteps walking away from him hurriedly. “Don’t look back. Just go. Just grab the knob. She’s coming back. Don’t look. Get out.”

He fell to the floor before he knew what had happened. The floor was sticky. He rolled over and watched the knife dive into his chest. One more time. He couldn’t move. The room was losing its color. The sound of her sobbing faded. Breaths were impossible to take. The taste of blood entered his mouth. He struggled to keep his eyes open and watched her as she spoke.

“Yes, we will. We will die together.” She dragged the knife deep across the front of her own neck. She fell to her knees and dropped the knife. Her head hit his bloody mess of a shirt and both of them drifted away together, the way it was meant to be.