The Naked Truth

“Would someone please kill Woody?” The rapid rat-a-tat of a woodpecker rolled through the trees, aggravating an immense hangover-type headache as Jack slowly came to. He rolled to his back with a groan, throwing an arm across his eyes to block the blinding light that filtered down through the branches.

The pounding persisted, annoying the hell out of him. He struggled up into a sitting position, intent on strangling Woody when he suddenly realized something was very, very wrong.

He just sat there, staring dumbly at his bare toes poking up from their leafy covering. “What the…?” Bare toes were connected to bare feet, connected to bare legs, and…

“Why am I bare-assed?!”

“Wha...” At the sound, Jack’s head jerked around. The leaves next to him stirred, and a tousled blonde head popped up, leaves and twigs strewn through the bright locks.

“Whoa!” Jack couldn’t duck, but he covered with both hands.

“Huh?” Sam propped herself up on her elbows and lay there a moment, blinking. When her eyes finally focused on her commanding officer, his eyes wouldn’t meet hers. Instead, they were intently focused on…what? She glanced down her body, then sat straight up with a yelp.

“Holy Moses, Carter! Don’t do that!” Jack almost yelped himself. Staring at Sam’s uncovered body was gonna fuel his dreams and imagination for the next, oh, thousand years or so. He finally got his eyes to focus on a point three feet above her head and to the side.

“How ya doing, Major?”

“Colonel, sir, I’m…definitely not sure!” By this time she had her arms crossed in front of her chest. *A pity*, Jack thought deep inside himself.

“I’ll just give you a moment to gather your thoughts on the situation, Major.” A beat. “Well?”

Sam stared at him with wide eyes. “Sir, I have absolutely no idea! I don’t know where we are, what has happened, or even where our clothes are!” She started to wave an arm, then remembered where it was and clamped it tighter to her chest.

“Why do you always list the important stuff last?” Peeking out of the corner of his eyes he watched as Sam’s gaze slid down his torso. His body heated up and things stirred that were not so deep down inside. “Carter…”

“Sir?” Her eyes were centered on his chest. She was surprised to note the objective thought, but not the fact, that the grey hair did nothing to detract from the very fine muscle structure. Oh yeah. Oh boy, was she in trouble!

Jack was having his own problems, imagining Sam’s fingers combing that very same hair. That tiny fantasy had more than just trouble rising.

“Carter! Eyes front and center!” Sam jerked her head at the sharp command and stared at the tree in front of her. Jack cocked his head and raised a brow as he watched a deep blush spread over her entire body. Or, at least the bits he could see…and shouldn’t be seeing.

“So. I guess we’re lucky it’s a nice warm day for autumn, if we have to be bare-assed about it.”

“Indeed, O’Neill.”

Sam gave a squeak at least two octaves higher than the last one as the big Jaffa marched nude and unconcerned up to them. Jack found himself “checking” Teal’c out before he could think.

“Teal’c! Big guy!” He cleared his throat. “Good to see you! Well, I mean, not quite so much of you…but glad you’re here.” Holy cow!

Teal’c looked down at him. “Do you need assistance rising, O’Neill?:

“No! No, no. I can handle that just fine.” The Jaffa waited, but Jack made no attempt to get up off the hard ground.

Teal’c turned his attention to Sam. “Do you need assistance, Major?”

Sam’s mouth was moving but the only sounds were squeaks so high pitched that Jack was glad they’d not seen any canines or canids or whatever you call dogs on this world in the vicinity.

“T.” He gestured with his head, and Teal’c stepped closer, squatting next to him to hear his words. “I wouldn’t talk to Maj. Carter, if I were you. Uh, in fact, don’t even look at her. She’s…shy.”

“Shy.” Not a question but more a demand for explanation.

“You know, shy. Uncomfortable when naked in public.”

“But she is amongst friends.”

“Sometimes that’s even worse, T.” Jack cleared his throat. “I see you have no problem going ‘commando’?”

“Commando?” Teal’c frowned. “I am a member of SG-1. I was unaware we were ‘commandos’.”

Sam gave a strangled laugh. “He means naked, Teal’c.”

Teal’c bowed his head in her direction. “Indeed. I believe Dr. Frasier has a saying that is most appropriate for this situation.”

After a few seconds of silence, Jack raised an eyebrow. “And that would be…?”

“What cannot be cured must be endured.”

Jack huffed out a breath. “Ok. That fits.” He glanced around. “Where’s Daniel?” He couldn’t wait to see how Daniel was going to handle this little incident.

“Daniel?” Sam gave yet another squeak.

“Carter! Geeze! Get a grip on yourself, Major!” Wrong choice of words, Jack thought as he watched Sam’s arms convulse so tightly in front of her that *he* winced.

“Loosen up there, Carter. You’re causing me pain. Besides,” he used one hand to scoop a mound of leaves into his lap before making a vague gesture towards her. “You’re starting to, uh, oh, crap. You’re oozing out the sides!”

Sam finally pulled herself together, took a deep breath, which, interestingly, seemed to take the breath out of her C.O., then pushed up off the ground with both hands. “We have to do this sometime, sir.”

Teal’c also rose, leaving Jack on the ground by himself. “Do you have a plan, Maj. Carter?”

“Well, I think the first thing we need to do is find Daniel. Maybe he knows what happened. Colonel?”

Jack managed to drag air into his starving lungs, then let out a bellow. “Daniel!”

At the faint answering call, he exploded off the ground in a cloud of leaves and took off at a careful lope, mindful of his bare feet. He tried unsuccessfully to get his mind off who had what view at the moment, and who he wished were in front of him. *Bad Jack! Stop that! Down, boy, down!*

Daniel’s voice got stronger as the team headed uphill through the sunlit woods. Sam glanced around as she jogged slowly behind Jack and Teal’c. Any other time she would have found the scenery quite lovely, but there were extenuating circumstances at the moment. The upside was the view of the long lean body in front of her. Sometimes the good did outweigh the bad!

The team ended up outside a large cave entrance flanked by two obelisks covered in hieroglyphs of some sort.

“Daniel?” Jack called out.

“In here!” The relief in Daniel’s voice was almost palpable. “Where you guys been? I’ve been yelling all night!”

“We had a bit of a problem.” Jack’s answer was short. Sam shot him a look before calling into the cave.

“Are you okay, Daniel?”

“I’d be better if I were in front of the cave-in instead of behind it.” Teal’c started forward but Jack grabbed his arm.

“Wait! You’ll give us away!” he hissed. Raising his voice he called out. “You’re not injured or…anything, are you? Chilled? In need of a jacket? …long johns?”

“Noooo…” was the puzzled reply. “I’m…fine. Why aren’t you coming in and digging me out? Guys?”

“Uh, we’re still, uh, working on that little problem from earlier.” He glanced at Sam then quickly averted his eyes. *I am her commanding officer*, he thought to himself forcefully. *I will not have bad thoughts! Hell, I will not have good thoughts!*

“If you’re not injured, you’ll just have to wait just a little longer. Just…translate, or something.”

“Okaaaaaay…”

“Daniel, can you tell me what we were doing before the cave-in?” Sam called out. Jack threw his hands into the air, then realized there was full frontal and spun on his heels to present his back to her.

“Sir, I don’t remember any cave-in,” she explained to his very delectable backside. “If he can tell us what we were doing, it might help us figure out the rest.” Jack made a gesture over his shoulder that she interpreted to mean “fine, whatever,” and grinned.

Daniel had no idea what was happening outside his dark prison, but he tried hard to comply. “Well, I was examining these markings inside the entrance. They’re very interesting in that they are a combination of goa’uld and what looks like some form of Mayan combined with some fairly old…”

“Daniel!” erupted from both Jack and Sam.

“Sorry! Sorry! Uh, let’s see. I think Sam was talking about some unusual flora of some sort. Things got quiet, then the giggling started and I got curious.”

“Giggling? I was giggling?” Sam was indignant. “I don’t giggle!”

“No,” came a slow response from inside the cave. “Not you, Sam.”

“Well, it wasn’t me!” Jack was emphatic.

“That’s true,” Daniel agreed.

“Then who was it, DanielJackson?” inquired Teal’c.

Daniel pursed his lips. “You, Teal’c.” Even in the dark cave, behind a wall of broken stones and boulders, Daniel ducked his head and smiled, wishing he were with the others. He’d love to see their expressions.

At the moment both Jack and Sam were turned, staring at the large Jaffa in surprise. The Jaffa was staring back, equally surprised.

“Not possible, DanielJackson. I do not giggle.”

“Oh…yes…yes you do, Teal’c.”

At the stubborn look on Teal’c’s face, Sam found herself fighting the urge to laugh. She turned back to the cave, casting a quick glance at Jack. He gave her a quick wink and a grin, and she could feel the twice-damned blush start from her toes and spread to the top of her head. She cleared her throat.

“Daniel? Do you know what type of flora we were looking at? This is really important right now.”

Daniel blinked, tapping a finger against his lips as he thought. “It must have been a flower. You said it looked like a hibiscus of some sort. You showed it to Jack first, and I heard him yell something about it being time to skinny-dip. Then you…”

“Skinny-dip?” Sam exclaimed, turning to Jack. “Isn’t it a little chilly now, sir, to do that?” He shrugged.

“Hey, I’m a Minnesota boy. It’s not too cold until the ice is at least three inches thick.” Sam looked askance at him before calling back into the cave.

“Sorry, Daniel. You said I showed the flower to Col. O’Neill. Then what did I do?”

“You showed it to Teal’c, he giggled, then everything got quiet.”

Jack frowned. “When did the cave fall down?”

They could all hear the sheepish tone in Daniel’s answer. “Uh, that happened when I turned around and headed for the opening. I, um, tripped over something which fell into something else, and then ‘boom’.” Daniel was disgusted with some of his klutzy moves, and this one was a corker.

“I’ve tried to dig out, but some of rocks are boulders, and I don’t have anything to use for leverage. But I did manage to get enough shifted so that I have a nice supply of air and light from the top.”

“Ok, Daniel. Just hang tight.” Jack waved a ‘stay put’ gesture towards the cave and the unseeing Daniel. “We need to check something out, but we’ll be back in…two shakes of a lamb’s tail.” He grimaced at his own words, giving Sam a shrug.

“Teal’c, can you see any tracks?”

Teal’c was already examining the forest floor. “Not tracks, O’Neill, but I can see the trail where three people have disturbed the leaves. The trail leads down to that lake.”

Jack squinted, really missing his sunglasses, down the hill to the sparkling body of water. “Well, then, chances are our gear is somewhere down there.”

They took off downhill, Teal’c leading the way and Jack bring up the rear and totally enjoying his view. When Sam hesitated at a sunlit patch of big pink flowers, Jack made his first bodily contact by giving her shoulder a little push with a forefinger.

“Oh, no, Major. That’s what got us in trouble in the first place!”

All three were relieved to discover their gear and clothes strewn along the banks of the lake. It took them some time to get the right pieces matched to the right people as they seemed to be everywhere: up in tree branches, under bushes and tossed along the ground.

“Wow. Must have been some party.” Jack commented as he quickly got dressed. He was so fast that Sam had no time to see if it were boxers or briefs. As he tucked in his black tee shirt and buckled his belt, Sam just had to ask the question that was on the back burner in Jack’s mind.

“Sir. Do you think you and I…I mean, might we have…”

“Nya!” Jack held up an index finger, stopping her words. “Not another word, Carter!” He tried to turn off his mental burner, refusing to think something like what she was asking about could have happened without his remembering it.

“The things I do for my country!” he muttered as he stomped into his combat boots and plopped down on a nearby log to tie the laces. Sam sat on the end to do the same.

Jack spoke slowly, keeping his voice pitched for Sam’s ears only. “No, Sam, I don’t think you and I… did… anything here but swim. I’m pretty sure it would be something I couldn’t forget if we had done …the…unforgettable.”

“Yeah, me, too, sir.”

They both stood as Teal’c walked up, gear slung over his shoulder and staff weapon in hand. Jack shrugged into his jacket and checked the action on his P80, Sam doing the same just seconds behind him. Then the three of them shared a look, nodding silently as they each vowed never to speak of the events that had occurred ever again.

“Let’s go, people,” Jack declared and headed back up the hill. “We have an archeologist to dig out and a Stargate to catch.”