Blood splattered hopelessness

Love has become my addiction. Not drugs or alcohol not anything that would make sense, the one true enjoyment of life only hurts me. My parents have left for the weekend and I’m home alone, without her. She ran off to college after I broke her heart and now that I’ve fallen for her again, she’s nowhere around. In this small hell hole of a town I keep thinking there’s one more person that can fill this void.

Unfortunately I’m to much of an introvert to find them. I let everything that we used to be destroy my future and now I’m lying on the floor with a gun in my hand, soon to be in my mouth. To me this seems to be the only way out, the only way to be rid of these feelings, this depression. I’ve tried every drug possible and I still can't run far enough to get away. The more I run the more I realize I’ve ruined my chance at true happiness. You know that feeling you get when you’ve tried everything within your power but there’s still no chance to redeem yourself? That’s me, that’s my everyday life. I know I shouldn’t end it this way, alone, depressed and forsaken by my own body.

If I could have only kept my dick in my pants, she’d still be at my side. I still can’t believe I sank to that level of ignorance. That level of masculinity. God damn those thirty seconds of bliss, they don’t help anything. I feel out of my mind, I can’t do anything that I used to, simply because the thought of her tears me down piece by piece. If she was here I’d be fine, I guess, most of the time I don’t know what I’m feeling, I just go with the flow of my bipolar soul. She was my anti-depressant, my one true reason for living. Let’s face it, when you grow up in an abusive home and everything you’ve done has only put you further in the hole, love seems to be the only thing that helps. But with love comes the bull-shit, the sex, the things that destroy even the greatest relationships, the greatest people.

I cry late at night when no one’s awake, the tears pouring down and that ache in my heart, my God this hurts so much. Why can’t I stop thinking of what I’ve had and start thinking of what I need, it’s like I’m not in control of anything anymore. Someone please come through that door someone please save me from this disease I’ve become. Just when I think I’m better the pain starts all over, where it comes from I truly don’t know. It always catches me off guard, it’s the last thing I want. Forgive me, my dear, forgive me. I’m so lost without you and there’s nothing else I can do.

If you ever read this blood splattered suicide note then you’ll know how I truly feel, you’ll know how much I needed you. I planned to come visit but now is definitely not the time. I love you, I love you, I can’t say it enough so just remember I said it. I’ve tried to move on and my cry for help doesn’t help.

I am going to kill myself.