The Midnight Wraith of Outer Space

Prologue:

The curtain rises and the stage is completely dark. VOICES and MIDNIGHT WRAITH speak from offstage for the entire play. VOICE 1 is zanier than VOICE 2, and it is important that their voices are distinct.

VOICE 1: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away—

VOICE 2: No! No! No! Cut, wrong show! Talk about plagiarism, lawyers coming out our ears! Can’t you think of something original?

VOICE 1: Humph! Well fine then, what do you think we should do?

VOICE 2: Uhh…I don’t know, how about a tragedy?

VOICE 1: Okay. Ahem…TO BE OR NOT TO BE! THAT IS THE QUESTION!

VOICE 2: Enough! Why don’t we try a…a love story.

VOICE 1: Hmm…Ah! (Singing off tune.) I love you. You love me. We’re a happy—

VOICE 2: Absolutely not!

VOICE 1: What else can we do?

VOICE 2: I guess we could always try…

VOICE 1: A comedy!

VOICE 2: No!

VOICE 1: Yes!

VOICE 2: But—

VOICE 1: I know, we’ll call it “The Midnight Wraith of Outer Space.”

VOICE 2: Lord save us all.


Scene 1:

The lights remain off as the sounds of machinery hum dimly in the background. Random keystrokes are played on a piano, beginning softly, gradually getting louder. Suddenly there is a piercing shriek and the lights suddenly come on to the interior of a space ship with the set of a cheap space adventure movie to one side. STEVE is wearing a fake-looking space suit and MERRIKA is tied to a chair. The DIRECTOR stands to the side and LANA stands behind him with a clipboard. The actors are not very good and their lines sound corny.

STEVE: Don’t worry Miss Merrika! I’ll rescue you!

MERRIKA: Oh thank you Spaceman Steve! I don’t know what I’d do without you!

STEVE: Always here to help!

CHORUS (includes STEVE, MERRIKA, and everybody backstage): And Spaceman Steve saves the day. Yaaaaay.

DIRECTOR: Cut! Okay everyone, let’s do it again. Uh, Steve, you need to make the Spaceman more…enthusiastic. You know, like he actually wants to rescue Miss Merrika.

STEVE (stupidly, not sarcastically): I try, Director, I really do. It’s just so hard to imagine anyone actually wanting to save Merrika…

MERRIKA: I heard that! As if I would really need rescuing. Oh, Director, do you mind if I express my opinions about this holo of yours?

DIRECTOR: Of course!

MERRIKA: I just thought I’d let you know that it’s missing one tiny little thing—a plot.

DIRECTOR: I never said this was going to be an award winner. But you never know, it’s only our first day on the set. Oh Lana, could you hand me that shovel?

MERRIKA: Well I still think this is a stupid—hey, what's the shovel for?

DIRECTOR: Digging your grave! Yahahahaha! (He hits her with the shovel.)


Interlude 1:

Lights go out. Pause.

VOICE 1: Sooo... does anyone have any idea what’s going on here?

VOICE 2: Don’t look at me!



Scene 2:

Lights come on and the DIRECTOR is alone.

DIRECTOR: Yahahahaha! Now that I have captured an entire ship full of famous actors I can prepare to take over the universe!

VOICE 2: Excuse me, but how exactly does kidnapping a whole bunch of actors help you take over the universe?

DIRECTOR (looks around in surprise): Huh? Who’s there?

VOICE 1: It’s us the Voices. Just thought we’d stop in and say hi!

DIRECTOR: Oh. Whew! You scared me. Well…you wouldn’t understand my plans.

VOICE 1: Yes we would! We would, we would, we would!

DIRECTOR: All right, I guess. You see, there is a small planet nearby that is home to some notorious smugglers and criminals. I have simply to blame the abduction on them and the whole universe will be plunged into war!

VOICE 2: But why? Why? I don’t understand!

DIRECTOR: It all has to do with politics. You wouldn’t understand. Besides, humans are always dying for an excuse to fight each other, aren’t they?

VOICE 2: You say that as if “humans” doesn’t include you.

DIRECTOR: That’s right! I’m not a human, but soon I’ll be their master! Yahahahaha!

VOICE 1: Gasp! If you’re not human, you must be... the Midnight Wraith of Outer Space!

DIRECTOR: Aack! Don’t say that! (Whispering.) You might call him!

VOICE 1: So you’re not the Midnight Wraith of Outer Space?

DIRECTOR: No! You think I’m evil, I’m nothing, get that, nothing compared to the...you know...HIM.

(LANA enters.)

LANA: Excuse me—

DIRECTOR: Aack! Oh, it’s only you Lana.

LANA: Yeah, well I was just wondering when we’re leaving ‘cause if we don’t get outta here soon the MW’s gonna notice and come after us and turn us all into asteroid dust.

DIRECTOR: MW?

LANA: Midnight Wraith, but I thought you’d prefer I didn’t say it.

DIRECTOR: Oh yes, quite, well let’s go, I guess, hurry up.

LANA: You go get the engine started; I need to, uh, fix a light bulb out here.

DIRECTOR: Okay.

(DIRECTOR exits.)

LANA (whispering): Is there someone out here?

VOICE 1 (mournfully): Only us.

VOICE 2: If you can count us as someones.

LANA: I—I don’t see you.

VOICE 2: That’s because we’re only voices. We have no physical shape.

VOICE 1: So sad. I feel like crying. (Cries loudly.)

VOICE 2: Shut up!

LANA: Yes, do. I need you guys’ help.

VOICE 2: For what?

LANA: To take back this ship! If we don’t do something about the Director soon he’ll destroy all of humanity! Even if his plan doesn’t work, which I personally find a little far fetched, although it doesn’t do to underestimate when the stupidity of us humans is involved, but even so his plan B is to just blow up planets until all of humanity surrenders!

VOICE 2: Well what do you want us to do?

LANA: His only weakness is his absolute terror of the Midnight Wraith of Outer Space. As far as I can tell, it’s just some figment of his imagination, but—

DIRECTOR (as if he has been listening just outside): Aha! There you are, you little traitor! Trying to get our friends the Voices here to scare me into giving up my plan for universal conquest! Well I’m on to your little plan now. You are going into confinement with the actors. As for you Voices, I don’t know how you got onto this ship, but I don’t have to be bothered by you either. See these? Yes that’s right, these are earphones, designed to prevent any sound AT ALL from entering. You can’t hurt me ‘cause you’re only voices and I can’t hear you! Yahahahaha!


Interlude 2:

The lights go out.

VOICE 1: I don’t think that director guy is very nice.

VOICE 2: I know! Blocking us out just because of some silly Midnight Wraith that probably doesn’t even exist!

VOICE 1: I just have one question.

VOICE 2: What’s that?

VOICE 1: If there’s no day or night in space, then how can there be a midnight, and thus a Midnight Wraith of Outer Space?

VOICE 2: What! You’re asking me?


Scene 3:

Lights come on to LANA, STEVE, and MERRIKA locked in a room.

LANA (rapping on a table): OK, listen up everyone, we’ve got to get out of here!

STEVE: Why? If we try to escape we’ll probably lose our contract!

MERRIKA: Listen to her, Steve. You need to have someone smarter than you telling you what to do.

LANA: As I was saying, these doors are definitely impossible to break without weapons and the only people who know about us are the Voices and they can’t hurt the Director because...(She speaks more quietly during this line until inaudible, as if fading out. Continue to mime speech and pantomime.)

VOICE 1: Did you hear that? She called us people!

VOICE 2: She doesn’t think we're weird! She actually considers us human! (Sobs.) I’m so happy.

LANA (Fades in): ...think you can manage that? And so, I think if we all work together we might actually pull this off.

MERRIKA: Oh no! What if he's been listening in on this whole conversation? Surely he must have it bugged.

LANA (snickering): He hasn’t been listening in on anything—he’s got his state of the art earphones that don’t let in any sound at all, remember? Now Voices, were you listening to my plan? Did you hear what I want you to do? Voices? Hello? Are you there, Voices? Voices, answer me!


Interlude 3:

Lights go out.

VOICE 1: OK, cut. So why exactly didn’t we answer her there? I forgot.

VOICE 2: It’s because we were busy somewhere else talking to the Midnight Wraith of Outer Space.

VOICE 1: Him again? I thought he was made up!

VOICE 2: Don’t you remember anything? But let’s not give away the rest of the story, OK?


Scene 4:

The DIRECTOR is alone in a chair with his earphones on.

DIRECTOR: Dum de dum... hi ho, I can’t hear you. Are you trying to scare me? Well it won’t work! Yahahahaha! Come to think of it, I can't even hear myself. (Pause.) You know sometimes I wonder why I don’t just blow them all up, but I think this plan has more finesse.

MIDNIGHT WRAITH (in a deep voice): And the Midnight Wraith of Outer Space might have something to say about it if you did.

DIRECTOR: Ahhh! Who are you? How can I hear you? My earphones are completely soundproof!

MIDNIGHT WRAITH: I am the Midnight Wraith of Outer Space and I have come to blast you into asteroid dust unless you surrender.

DIRECTOR: Wait a minute—you’re just one of those Voices trying to terrify me into surrendering.

MIDNIGHT WRAITH: Believe what you want, but tonight at midnight, you and this entire ship will be nothing but a bunch of little particles flying through space.

DIRECTOR: But how can it be midnight in outer space?

MIDNIGHT WRAITH: Good point. In one hour, then.


Interlude 4:

Lights go out.

VOICE 2: Oh no! I thought the Midnight Wraith would help us, but instead it looks like he’s going to destroy the entire ship!

VOICE 1: Oh dear! Oh my! We’ll never escape in time!

VOICE 2: Come on! Let’s go see if we can help Lana!


Scene 5:

LANA, MERRIKA, and STEVE in their prison.

LANA: Come on, Merrika! You’ve got to do it. You’re the only one of us who will fit!

MERRIKA: Absolutely not! I’m not climbing down into that—that sewer!

LANA: Oh, so you’d rather die and kill all the rest of us in the process?

MERRIKA: Yes! I mean no! I mean...

STEVE: Huh, if Merrika doesn’t want to go, I’ll go!

LANA: The whole point of this entire conversation, which we’ve been having for the past ten minutes is that Merrika is the only one thin enough to fit through the pipes! Weren’t you listening at all?

STEVE: Listen? Now why would I do a thing like that?

VOICE 2: Lana? It’s us, the Voices.

LANA: Voices! Where on earth have you been?

VOICE 1: Actually we weren’t on earth. We were right here, but talking to the Midnight Wraith of Outer Space.

STEVE: Didn’t you say he was made up?

VOICE 1: Oh no. He’s here all right, and he’s about to blow up this ship.

LANA: He’s gonna do what? He exists?

VOICE 2: He told the Director he would blow up the ship if he didn’t set you guys free.

LANA: But that would kill us too!

VOICE 2: Exactly our problem.

MERRIKA: Well, it’s not really your problem. You’re just voices, they can’t really kill you.

VOICE 1: Oh but of course they can! Don’t you know? Sound can’t travel through space. If we are ever in a place where no one can hear us, we’ll die!

VOICE 2: We’re not just voices, you know! We have feelings too!

LANA: Enough! Voices, how much time till the Wraith blows us up.

VOICE 2: Exactly 57 minutes and 14 seconds.

LANA: You see Merrika! You have to go! It’ll take at least that long to get through the sewer system and back here to let us out.

STEVE: But what if the Director sets us free?

LANA: Come on! Please, Merrika!

MERRIKA: Ugh! Well, I suppose I don’t really have a choice.

STEVE: Is she gonna climb down into the toilet? Eww! Hey, you know, I bet there’s some of my doo-doo in—(muffled gasp as LANA puts a hand over his mouth.)


Scene 6:

DIRECTOR, alone in his chair.

DIRECTOR: This is the last time I’m buying anything from this stupid company. How come I can hear you, but not myself or anything else?

MIDNIGHT WRAITH: You have only half an hour left. Are you going to release your captives?

DIRECTOR: For the last time I will not fall for your stupid tricks!

MIDNIGHT WRAITH: Very well then, in half an hour prepare to meet your doom.

DIRECTOR: Maybe I would be meeting my doom if you really were the Midnight Wraith, but you’re not!

MIDNIGHT WRAITH: And we have 29 minutes left on the countdown clock.


Scene 7:

The lights are very dim. MERRIKA is in the sewer system, crawling across the stage.

MERRIKA: Ugh! It’s disgusting down here!

VOICE 2: You’re almost there. There should be a ladder to your left just up ahead.

MERRIKA: So how come you know so much about this ship if you can’t see?

VOICE 1: Sonar.

MERRIKA: Ah. And here’s the ladder.

VOICE 2: Good. Climb up it and you should be in a sort-of janitor’s closet. Lana hopes the keys will be there but you could have to search the entire ship.

MERRIKA: Right. (She stands up slowly in front of a door, as if climbing a ladder. She opens the door and searches inside for a moment.) Well, I don’t see it here.

VOICE 1: Where else do we look?

MERRIKA: Do you think maybe...the Director has it?

VOICE 2 (pauses): Well, we’ve got to check.

MERRIKA: If he’s still got his headphones on, we could sneak up on him and knock him out before he could stop us.

VOICE 1: With your fists?

MERRIKA (maliciously): With this shovel.

VOICE 2: I'll go check. Hang on... (Gloomily.) Yup, he’s still got ‘em on all right.

MERRIKA: Has he got the keys?

VOICE 2: Yes.

MERRIKA: So what’s wrong?

VOICE 2: The Midnight Wraith is there.

VOICE 1: Oh no!

MERRIKA: And?

VOICE 1: If he sees you take out the Director he might decide that you’re evil and corrupt and unfit for survival!

MERRIKA (laughing): Well that’s a risk we’ll just have to take. Come on!


Scene 8:

The DIRECTOR is sitting at one end of the stage, MERRIKA is crouching at the other.

MERRIKA: There he is. I don’t see the Midnight Wraith, though.

VOICE 1: Duh. That’s why he’s called a wraith.

MERRIKA: Oh, is he kind-of like a voice, like you guys?

VOICE 2: No! He’s a ghost! He was once a person, and now he’s dead. As for us, we’re just voices, always have been, always will be.

VOICE 1 (tearfully): Until we become nothings.

MERRIKA: Uh, right. Well, wish me luck.

VOICE 1: Luck!

(MERRIKA runs to the DIRECTOR and whacks him with the shovel. He falls to the ground and MERRIKA grabs the keys.)

MERRIKA: Okay, I’ve got the keys, now show me the way back.

VOICE 1: Aren’t you going to tie him up?

MERRIKA: Do you see a rope?

VOICE 1: At least stun him with his laser beamer.

MERRIKA: Whatever. (Blasts him.) Now let’s go.

VOICE 2: Follow us. The room is down this corridor, second door on the left.

MERRIKA: Right. Here it is. (She opens a door and STEVE and LANA come out.)

STEVE: Hey look, there’s Merrika! She’s coming to rescue us!

LANA: Good job Merrika! But we only have a couple minutes ‘till Mr. Wraith blows up the ship, so hurry up and follow me to the escape pods.

MIDNIGHT WRAITH: Not so fast!

VOICE 1: Aaahh! It’s the Midnight Wraith of Outer Space!

MIDNIGHT WRAITH: One of you committed an act of violence back there in the control room.

MERRIKA: Oh no!

MIDNIGHT WRAITH: It is my job in the universe to prevent violence and injustice. The rest of you may leave, but this one must stay.

LANA (whispering): Come on Merrika. He can’t do anything to stop us.

MIDNIGHT WRAITH: You think so? (Thunderclap.)

MERRIKA: Lana, I can’t move.

LANA: Well we’re not leaving you.

MERRIKA: No, go. Save yourselves.

LANA: But—

STEVE: Hang on there Mr. Midnight Wraith, sir. You should practice what you preach!

MIDNIGHT WRAITH: What do you mean by that?

STEVE: I mean don’t you go a-yelling at Merrika here for whacking the Mr. Director when you were gonna do the same thing.

MIDNIGHT WRAITH: I use violence only when necessary to prevent further violence.

STEVE: Well there you have it! It was the same with Merrika! If she didn’t whack the Director, she wouldn’t have been able to rescue us! I say that counts as violence to prevent further violence!

MIDNIGHT WRAITH (pauses): Go then. You have one minute until I blow up this ship!

LANA: Run! (They run. An emergency pod with three seats is pushed onto the other end of the stage, and they each take a seat. ) All right, everybody buckled in? Three-two-one-blastoff! (The stage blacks out except for a spotlight on the pod. Several seconds later you hear a loud explosion.)

STEVE: You know what, I just realized something.

MERRIKA: Hmm? What’s that?

STEVE: I helped save the universe. You know, not just like in the holos, but for real.

MERRIKA: And so which was more fun?

STEVE: Hmm...I would say the holos. (Laughter.)

Curtain closes.