Maverick83'sThe Meaning of Christmas

It was a cold winter day, in the year 0, and oddly enough, they were calling the year by that number, at the time. The world was already three years into world war negative one, and the conflict showed no sign of ending. For three long years, the war had raged continuously…except for a short amount of time at the beginning of 0, when everyone agreed to temporarily get along and work together to solve the Y0K computer crisis. But then Moses said, “What’s a computer?” and the fighting resumed.

No one remembered why the war had begun. In fact, only a few months into it, the war was being fought over the reason the war had begun. The world was divided into three groups. The Budcrijewsians claimed that the war started over religious differences, and the meaning of life. The Misohungrians argued that the war was a competition for the available resources of the world. And then there was Disagreeable Walt. He just said “Nuh-uh” and so he became the third side. Nobody really bothered with him because his weaponry was limited to the plastic utensils he stole from Burger King. There was one group who claimed the war started because of the way microwavable dinners have that clear plastic film over them, and they always tell you to remove it from specific items, but keep it over the other items, but there’s no way to remove just one part of it, and it all comes off but it makes no difference anyway because there’s no way a thin piece of plastic is going to make a difference. But then Moses said “What’s a microwavable dinner?” and they had to disband.

So yeah, God looked down on his creations, and they were fighting over nothing, and he yelled down to them, “Yo! What’s up with that?”. But they misheard him, and started hurling sick cats at each other. He wanted to stop them, but he was all out of breath. So he decided to send a messenger. He had to have a son, who would walk upon the earth and put an end to the feline warfare, and create peace and harmony. He searched for a pure woman, a virgin, to carry his child. It took awhile, because, in his own words, “Them hoes’s baby-havin’ parts is nasty loose. Need me some fine bitch what’s motherfuckin’ tizzight.”

Finally, he found Madonna, and he didn’t really understand the irony behind “Like a Virgin”. “Yo, you gonna be my baby’s momma,” he told her. She responded, “Fo shizzle?” And he was like, “Word.” So he fucked her by using the force, and she was knocked up.

Over the next few days, in the midst of the fighting, Madonna’s husband and friends set to work, constructing an appropriate place for her to give birth. Her husband was like, “Obviously, she should give birth in a hospital.” But then Moses said “What’s a hospital?”. Naturally the others were getting fed up with Moses ruining their plans all the time, so they chucked him into the Red Sea, but he parted it, and built a manger in it. But then Madonna said “What’s a manger?”. Moses bitch slapped her, and she decided to settle for it.

It only took a few days for her to go into labor. Once she did, all the Budcrijewsian perverts who weren’t too busy fighting came from all around the world to watch her give birth. Some kid with a drum came, and there was Frosty…not the snowman, the freelance gangster rapper…wait, it was Froz T…but he had lots of free time, because he was made out of snow, and all of his raps were about the dangers of global warming. *sigh* Nobody wants to attend a music festival called “Give a hoot don’t polluza”…and the three wise men came on their enchanted dune buggy, with gifts. But they obviously were no good at shopping for a child. They were wise, but extremely senile. They showed up three hours after Madonna had given birth, arguing about why Merlin refused to stop and ask for directions.

Madonna and her husband were preoccupied, discussing their prenuptial agreements, and how Madonna had cheated on him with God. Then they got on the subject of Madonna’s behavior, while giving birth. The way she shook her fist at the sky and screamed “You did this to me, you bastard!”…her husband had to explain to her why she shouldn’t take the lord’s name in vain. This came as a surprise to Madonna, who had never understood that commandment, and had mistakenly spent her life fighting the urge to inject red wine into her bloodstream, an urge which she really only had because she thought she wasn’t supposed to. But that’s beside the point.

Thing is, baby Jesus popped out, and immediately transformed into Neon Jesus, a Japanese battlebot with a tricycle body and a cannon in the middle of his forehead, and a big foam cowboy hat. He began a violent rampage. The two sides had to put their differences aside to defeat him, and so together, they spoke very rapidly and out of synch, and pointed and said “It’s Neon Jesus! He attack Tokyo! Run!” When that failed, they constructed their own battlebot, with a laser cross of annihilation, and sandles. This battlebot, Megasanta 9000, struck Neon Jesus down with obnoxious commercials and songs about mutant reindeer and magic snowmen, then finished him off with the laser cross.

And so every year, and for a longer period of time each year, we celebrate the end of world war negative one, and the victory of Megasanta 9000, by driving recklessly and spending money…which is actually what I was pissed about in the first place. Well, it just goes to show you, even the person responsible for telling the story and conveying the moral can arbitrarily forget what that moral is and learn it all over again and act like I knew it all along. And you’re none the wiser. What’s that? What was the moral? Ummm….naive people are a completely legal source of cheap labor.