More than Memory

“He (Aragorn) left the hill of Cerin Amroth and came there
never again as living man.”
-Lothlorien, The Fellowship of the Ring-

There she stood, Arwen Undómiel, tall and silent as a beautiful white birch tree, the light in her eyes quenched as a night in the winter that comes without a star, only shaken by her sighs, the feeling of his last warm kiss still on her trembling white hand. She could not believe, as she cried the name of her beloved, that he had gone forever, fallen into an everlasting sleep, waiting for her to reach him beyond the circles of the living world.
For Estel, King Elessar Telcontar, had died, he had surrendered his life to accept the gift of the One to Men and had left Middle Earth forever.
But Arwen, his beautiful Queen, she was still there, and could not believe what had just befallen her. She immediately felt alone, lost, stranded in the world of Men without her Estel, away from all the people she had once loved, for all of them had forsaken Middle Earth.
She still had her children, the son and daughters that her most beloved husband had left her, and she loved them all and knew that they wished to stay near to her in that moment of grief. But Arwen wanted to be left alone. She wanted to stay near her beloved Estel in the Rath Dinen alone, hold his hand and kiss his forehead one last time as a living creature for she too was going to reach him beyond the circles of the world.
And as she embraced his now lifeless and cold body one last time, Arwen left the House of the Kings and went back to the Royal Palace, into their chamber, where they had spent their happiest and sweetest moments together, for they could be alone there, just the two of them, away from the cares of their Kingdom and of Middle Earth.
And she threw herself almost lifeless on their bed, on Aragorn’s side and sank her face into his soft pillow, and as she felt the perfume of his head, that only the night before had rested on that pillow and was now laying on a stony bed in the Rath Dinen, she cried and called out his name again…”Estel…Estel…Estel nín…mas le, meleth nín?”
Clutching the pillow tighter as she sighed she could feel that something was laying under it…raising the pillow she saw an envelope…it had been sealed in wax with Elessar’s emblem, the White Tree under a canopy of Seven Stars.
Arwen took the envelope in her hands, still holding the pillow tight in her arms almost for fear of losing it, as she had just lost her beloved husband, and read on the parchment “Na Arwen Vanimelda –Estel lín.
She could hardly believe it but she felt a sweet yet bitter smile flowering on her beautiful though grieved face…her Estel…he always used to leave her such envelopes on her pillow when he used to ride away into some battle..but he had always returned from those battles, while now he was gone and forever. And he had left this one under his own pillow for he knew exactly how his Undómiel was going to behave after his leaving.
Arwen wiped away her tears for her misty eyes could not allow her to see properly what surrounded her, let alone reading; she then took a deep breath and gently began to remove the wax seal, her hands slightly shaking. She opened the envelope and brought out the sheet of parchment paper that lied folded in three in it…she unfolded it and, as she had imagined, she found a poem her Estel had written for her…her eyes began to fill again with tears but she knew she now had to be strong and cease the crying. Estel surely would not have liked it, for he loved to see smiles blossom on her face, hear the crystal sound of her laughter and whenever he saw her melancholic and troubled he would always try to lift her spirits. Arwen thus focused her attention on the parchment and began reading Estel’s words.

Aure entuluva

All this time we have known
That this day had to come
So don’t allow rainy tears
To overshadow thy bright sun.

For thou know a melmenya
That I now have to leave
But if thou indeed lovest me
Then for me do not grieve.

We’ve been happy, we’ve been blessed,
We’ve been married many years
I know parting will be sorrowful
But herinya shed no tears.

Thou art sleeping and so peaceful
As this letter now I write,
What I asked thee to forsake
I do know it was not right.

So tomorrow in the Rath Dínen
I shall ask to thee once more
If thou truly want to follow me
Or thou would sail to Valinor.

There our love will be a green memory
But we are going to be apart
While if thou dost come with me
A new journey for us will start.

Manna lelyuval I now wonder
Oh my beautiful Elven wife,
When tomorrow thou will learn
That I shall surrender my life.

Ai, mornie utúlie thou will think
Once death will befall me
But to thee Aure entuluva I say
For beyond this world is more than memory.

Forgetful of her previous resolution and of her beloved Estel’s words, Arwen could not prevent salty and sad tears from streaming down her ethereal but shaken face, as she was reading that poem so full of love and affection her husband had left to her.
Not only was she moved by his words but she was also reminded of his voice as she could hear it in her confused mind while reading . She was reminded of the words Estel had spoken to her the night before ere he decided to write those verses to her, for his words were a velvet cloak that shrouded her with the smoothness of his voice as he whispered to her elven ears his everlasting love and devotion to her.
Only now did she understand those words…he had already decided to leave, he already meant to forsake Middle Earth ere old age and weariness could get to him. He was old for a mortal but his Dunedaic blood allowed him to live longer than any other man and so he still looked like a middle aged man to those who beheld him. But he knew years were going to be a burden to him and he wanted to leave the throne to his beloved son Eldarion and so he had resolved that it was the right time to be gone. But he did not speak of it to Arwen, not until that morning when he had finally laid himself on a stony bed in the Rath Dinen and let sleep befall on him.
As all these thoughts were lingering into her mind, Arwen was suddenly started by a knock at the door and she heard a familiar voice calling “Nana”. She knew it was her younger daughter Ivorwen; Arwen knew she was worried about her, just like her older siblings, and not wanting to increase her worries Arwen immediately wiped her tears from her eyes, replaced Estel’s pillow on the bed, regained her composure and replied: “Yes, Ivorwen. Come in my dear”…
In all those years spent away from her beloved Elven relations Arwen had been grieved at times and sorrow had taken her over in more than few occasions but she had always been strong for her children, she had never let them see her in tears and she did not want her younger daughter to see her like that now. Estel was the only one allowed to see her grieving for she was the only one he ever allowed into his fears, doubts, sorrows; but not her children.
In came Ivorwen, beautiful in her looks, showing both her Elven and her Numenorean origins, and she ran to her mother and hugged her so tight that Arwen could barely breath.
As she released her she began : “ Nana, I know how hard it is for you now that Ada has gone and I know that all you want is to stay alone but please remember that your children are still here for you and we are going through the same pain you are going through; nana….” There she paused to take Arwen’s hand into her own hand “Ada was a great man, and a great father to us all and I am greatly missing him already. But I think we should all help each other overcome this terrible loss and …..” Arwen was now smiling at her laes, as she used to call her and interrupting her said “Ivorwen, my dear, you are still so young and yet wisdom blossoms from every word you utter…your father was right when he asked my permission to name you after his wise grandmother”…and as she was saying so she gently placed a lock of Ivorwen’s black hair behind her ear. She continued “but my child, my place is here no more, for without your father I cannot remain. My heart is grieving and I know it is now the time for me to embrace mortals’ fate and follow my Estel wherever he is. I know perhaps you will not understand my choice now but one day I am sure you will. So now my child will you please take me to your brother and sisters for I wish to bid them farewell ere I leaving this world forever.”
Thus Ivorwen presented her hand to Arwen to help her stand and after one last hug she put her mother’s hand on her elbow and together they left the chamber and walked along the aisle until the studio of the King. Eldarion and his other sisters were waiting there and as soon as the young ladies saw Ivorwen with their mother entering the room they ran to them and still weeping hugged Arwen.
On the other side of the studio, behind his desk, sat Eldarion; his face was stern and grieved, his gray eyes wet and fixed upon the portrait of his noble father on the day of his coronation, a hundred and twenty years before. Just as his father had done on that day, Eldarion drew a sigh and saying to himself “Tollen i lû”, he accepted the burdern of his responsibility as the new King of the Reunited Realms of Gondor and Arnor. He knew it was going to be a difficult task and his people had high expectations, for his parents had been respectful and just monarchs and he and his bride wanted to be worthy of the name of the Telcontars.
In the meanwhile Arwen explained the reasons of her choice to her daughters who loved her too much to let her go. “An ma theled, Nana?”, they could not prevent from asking to her. And though the idea of explaining her choice and need to leave again was deeply hurting her, she tried to and convinced them that they had to let her go and reassured them about their future without her. She then turned to Eldarion who had been silent thinking about his new position as King, and as their eyes met, mother and son did not need to talk to know what they were thinking about. Eldarion simply nodded to his mother to let her know that he had accepted her choice and Arwen smiled to her son and went toward him to hug him one last time in this world.
“Forgive me, my son; my time here is ended.”, she whispered to him. “Ú-moe edaved, Nana”, Eldarion replied wiping a tear from her gray eyes.
She then walked to the door and left the chamber to reach the stables: here Arwen went to Roheryn’s box, Estel’s horse. He was now old and tired but Arwen wanted to take him on his last journey. “Gwenwin in enninath, mellon nín, and I know you are now weary but if you will take me to Caras Galadhon we might see Estel once again soon”. This she whispered to him as she patted and stroke his mane, and after listening to her, Roheryn let Arwen lead him out of the stables to reach the main gate of the White City.
There Arwen found her children waiting for her with all the other persons who loved her and whom she had loved: an escort of Gondorian soldiers was also there, for Eldarion wanted a safe journey for his mother and he had already sent forth a group of soldiers and messengers to make sure that the road to Lothlorien was safe. Arwen had wished for no escort during her last journey on Middle Earth but she also knew of the dangers and ambushes laid by the enemies of Gondor so she respected her son’s decisions.
Bidding farewell to all her loved ones was a difficult task for Arwen, more difficult than ruling Gondor and Arnor, for she was reminded of another day of farewells and partings that had taken place so many years before when she had to be parted from her beloved father Elrond. And taking leave of her children was even more painful but she had to do that and as she looked at them one last time, thus she spoke : “My son, my daughters, dark is indeed the hour and yet I bid you not despair, for long and bright years are ahead of you and you do not have to waste them worrying about me. I am going to be reunited with your father soon and although I know not what is waiting for me beyond this world, I do feel that I shall see him again; and one day we all shall be a family again. Until then, navaer my children. No I melain na le na-den pedim ad”.
“Nîr tôl erin baded lîn, Nana”, replied Eldarion, “but we shall not stop you now for we know what this day means to you. Thus…Navaer, Nana. Gerich veleth nîn”. “Hannon le. Gerich veleth nîn”, Arwen whispered in a broken voice ere returning to Roheryn and spurring him away from the White City.
As she reached Lothlorien Arwen suddenly felt as if a deep wound had been opened into her heart, for the once mysterious yet fair land of the Lady Galadriel was now silent and empty. Filled with sadness she walked toward the Cerin Amroth on Caras Galadhon, where she and Estel had once been happy. She was standing there, heartbroken, staring west into the horizon as they had once done, when she felt as if two strong arms were embracing her from behind and a familiar voice whispered to her ear “All day I have been waiting for you here, meleth nín”. Swiftly Arwen turned and she saw Estel standing in front of her, smiling. Noble he looked and yet it was as if the last years and cares had been removed from him and he was now looking as the young Estel with whom she had plighted her troth of love so many years before.
“But I thought you were…” She couldn’t say the word and he understood that, so he interrupted her “I am dead but I could not leave you alone, not now, my bride.” And as he said so he looked at her with fondness in his eyes ere continuing “As long as you will remain in this place you might see me but this will not be enough to heal the sadness that fills your heart and one day you will have to follow me.”
Arwen loved Estel, but she did not feel ready to leave Middle Earth, not yet, so she remained on the Cerin Amroth until winter came, and she spent a season wandering under the fading trees, remembering all the joyous and merry moments of her life with him. And from time to time, during those days Estel himself would come to visit her but all this only helped to increase the emptiness and loneliness in Arwen’s heart.
The day finally came when even Arwen’s strong heart could not bear such sorrow anymore and she understood that memories were not what she needed to remain alive. On that day, she laid herself down on the Cerin Amroth and it was then that Estel appeared again and as he kneeled beside her, he took her hand in his own and taking it to his lips he gently kissed it; without releasing it, thus he spoke to his wife : “Do you remember what I told you in the Rath Dínen, meleth nín? In sorrow we must go but not in despair. We are not bound forever to the circles of this world and beyond them is more than memory…” These words and the memory of the sadness of that day echoed in Arwen’s mind in that moment. Estel continued “I told you then and I repeat it to you now…beyond the circles of this world there is more than memory” and gently stroking her long black hair and caressing her white cheeks, he whispered to her “Estelio nín si, meleth nín…” and as she closed her eyes she knew that she was in Middle Earth no more.

©Valentina Scionti 2005