American Idle

Is the line taunting me? Do I dare cross over it, testing my resolve for personal growth? The unknown lies beyond that line, a very intimidating place for me. Sure I’m somewhat active now, riding my bike, walking, and putting in some “sweat time” everyday on my stationary bike. This is different though, as evidenced by my racing heart, the sting of biting winter air flowing into my lungs at an increasing pace, and a subtle but gnawing sensation in the pit of my stomach. Not the usual feeling of slight hunger, but a small kernel of fear and doubt, swirling around while looking for opportunity to turn into a full blown panic.

I’ve taken what prudent precautions I could to stave off the ridicule and embarrassment that Simon predicts; I’ve come alone at dusk to this alien athletic environment. My clothing is warm, but not restricting or too heavy. A cellphone, pre-dialed to 911 is clutched in my left hand, ready if the exertion causes me to falter or have stabs of pain in my left arm, surely I can dial in time. Around my neck resides a stopwatch, as it isn’t enough to make the attempt, I must know how long this torture endured. All of this in preparation for my first attempt at running in over 35 years. I’m set to embark on a mile run at our high school track, four simple laps to glory or another dismal failure to be ashamed of. Simon is sure of the latter, while I feel success is possible.

Excuse me; I haven’t introduced you to Simon, have I? You might not know him by that name, but I’m sure you will recognize him quickly enough. Simon is the name I’ve bestowed on my internal critic, whose sole purpose is to review my choices on how to live my life. Every thought that comes into my head is subject to his oversight, where no detail is too minute or solution too bizarre to beg for his approval. I chose the name Simon in honor of one of the judges on the popular television show “American Idol.” On the show, his notoriety comes from being brutally harsh and acerbic to everyone who seeks to be one of the final contestants and win the recording contract, then live the life they’ve always dreamed of. Similar to the real Simon, my internal version, is unrelenting and ever vigilant for the slightest weakness or opportunity to sabotage my desire to upset the status quo. Quite simply, Simon’s essence is my resistance for true change in my life.

That desired change was literally a matter of life and death for me. At 48 years of age, I had constructed a protective fat suit around me that tipped the scales at an astounding 477 pounds. Good health has blessed me most of my life, but now that luxury was slowly slipping away; no doubt an impeding catastrophe was at hand. Faced with our very survival, Simon and I joined forces and sought out a Therapist to guide us in getting rid of the fat suit we were encased in. We’ve had astounding success in this venture, losing 140 pounds in seven months, accepting and embracing the person we have been and are today, and starting to live the life we have always dreamed about. A substantial part of the life I wish to live involves physical activity. Biking, boating, scuba diving, and motorcycling; the list is long and varied, but one common thread runs through them all. There is need to improve my cardio vascular system to a much higher level of fitness. At this juncture, Simon and I became adversaries again. I wanted to continue to remold and revise myself, while Simon was content to just exist at the current level of reformation. The mile run is the latest battle in this war for my improved fitness.

Simon’s most successful tactic in this war of wills, is confusion. He overloads my thoughts with options and scenarios of failure. With so much information to process, my tendency is to procrastinate and let the urge to excel subside and continue in my normal daily rut. Simon has unshackled access to my every fear and doubt and is the consummate master of using this information effectively to sabotage my enthusiasm and desire for change. When I try to visualize myself running gracefully, he pushes that image aside with a scene from “Jurassic Park” where the T-Rex is lumbering down the road and water puddles are rippling menacingly. A more insidious ploy he uses is to provide support for what I call “exception thinking.” Things like “one bite won’t hurt”, “you deserve a break”, “nobody will ever know”, or “why try, no one really cares anyway” serve to erode my self esteem to a point where I start believing these lies. My self esteem is critical to my weight and physical activity management. It also is my best tool to keep Simon reigned in and under control.

Self esteem is built on a foundation of knowledge and determination, built brick by brick and day by day; sealing off Simon’s access to my core self. Using these tools below, I’m able to muffle his pleas for attention and keep him safely tucked away in the tomb I’m building for him.

• Decide a change is what I really desire and have 100% commitment to making it happen.
• Start visualizing myself as I wish to be, as the body will go where the mind leads.
• Realize I’m responsible for myself and fully accept this responsibility.
• Expect to have success in my changes and have good things happen around me.
• Prioritize my efforts for change, what can fall to the side so change has a chance to occur?
• Change myself physically in a small way, with a new hair cut, facial hair, or style of dress.
• Set small attainable goals and make progress everyday, with a reward for completion.
• Construct a support network for my new emerging self, including friends and health professionals.
• Mistakes are bound to happen, I give myself a break at times and pick up where I left off.
• Stay focused, doing what works for me even when my doubts are running wild; perseverance pays.
• Acknowledge Simon, my inner critic and realize he is usually looking after my old habits, not the changes I desire. I found his mute button and pushed it daily by sticking with my plans!

I did cross that line that evening; for the first time in my adult life, I ran for the sheer joy of it. It wasn’t really a joyful event; rather it was an arduous and odious task. But I did complete it, running when I could and walking the rest; not resting till crossing that line the fourth time. As I mounted my bike for the ride home, I realized that Simon was a bit weaker now, his opinion of me a little less important and foremost; I was one American who wasn’t continuing to be idle. I had decided to change and change I had!