Despair

His pale, gaunted expression haunted my dreams even after his demise. I had failed in my duty towards him, as his mother. I could not stop him from his death, helpless as he took the plunge from the window of our tenth storey unit.

Finally, I'm alone in this cold merciless world. Overwhelmed with feelings of anger, powerlessness and sadness, I cried.

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The night was cold, the sky dark. It was a moonless night - a night with no light. My house was dark for I had neglected to switch on the lights. I could not bear the brightness - and has ever been so ever since my world collapsed. My world is as bleak as Hades - with no joy but mindshattering pain and numbness and rage.

But then again, what does it matter? For nothing matters any more. In a while, I will be but an empty shell, devoid of life. Nobody will weep over my departure for I'm but an insignificant one of a few billion in the world. My existence is of no importance, as of my emotions of guilt, fury and grief. Soon it will be over. I will be free as I have never been. To be reunited with my son - my only pride and joy of my short and dismal life. A life filled with loneliness, despised by all for being an unwed mother - octracised by my family, society and all whom I hold dear once before. It had never been easy, having to take care of my son while working but somehow both of us managed to get by.

But somehow my child had to pay for my mistakes. He has to live with the stigma of being an illegitimate child - and was made painfully aware of it ever since young despite my efforts. He did not utter a word about being bullied, coming up instead with various other excuses for the bruises on his body - fell down a flight of stairs etc. My heart would shatter as he will try in vain to explain away whenever I had asked. But I had known the real reasons, had heard of his classmates treatment of him through others and I ached for him.

But how can a young child of merely ten years bear it? For he had bore it stoically for years before he decided to end it. I was painfully aware that I was losing him. But despite all my pleas, scoldings and thrashings whenever he had cut himself, he was indifferent to it all.

But it will no longer matter now. True it never will, never again. Darkness loomed before me and I embraced it readily as it claimed me . Never had I felt so liberated.