14 reasons why my life sucks

This is an article I wrote for a college newspaper I used to work on with the help of my friend. He also writes for this website, his name is The Loon One. Check out his shit, too, it's good. Any name in [brackets] has been changed to protect identities or to protect myself from lawsuits.

14 reasons why my life sucks

Just when you thought I had run out of things about women to complain about, I come from out of nowhere to shatter your illusion and cure your crisis of faith. I’m far too pathetic to ever run out of “dating horror stories,” so you can be confident that I will always be able to make your day just a little bit better with my tales of tragedy and devastation. But this time, I had help.

Lots of help, in fact. Literally dozens of people helped out with this article. My friend [The Loon One] and myself put the most effort into this, but dozens of random women have also pitched in by ripping our hearts out and grinding them into a thin paste, right before lighting them on fire.

Enough complaining for now. The following is a list of the top fourteen “Worst things a woman can say to a man who wants to date them or is dating them.” This list is more specifically on how women either break up with you or turn you down for a date. The list is in order based on which is the most devastating to hear, with number one being the most devastating. Any variations of this list will be incorrect, but knock yourselves out. In order to give this some comprehensive form, I’ll pretend each excuse is being said to [The Loon One], whom I believe to be the least physically appealing of the two of us. Then, I’ll tell you what it really means. As a matter of fact, between the two of us, [The Loon One] and I have heard all fourteen of these, and each of us has heard eleven of them. But let’s not talk about me; let’s talk about [The Loon One].

14: “I think you’d be perfect for one of my friends.”
This is a dastardly trick women like to use when a man they’re not attracted to—for example, [The Loon One]—asks them out on a date. I can only assume that while they themselves refuse to date [The Loon One], they have no qualms about finding a sacrifical date to appease him, thus keeping [The Loon One] away from them.

13: “Thank you for everything; I’ll never forget you.”
This is used at the end of [The Loon One]’s relationships. It is a simple way to attempt to help [The Loon One] keep some dignity by explaining that while they appreciate the time [The Loon One] has spent with them, and while they will always have a place for [The Loon One] in their hearts, they no longer have a place for [The Loon One] in their beds. Of course, this is bullshit. Most women forget [The Loon One] when they cease dating him. This happens to me as well. One woman actually forgot me while we were dating, which made our one month anniversary awkward for myself, uncomfortable for her, and just plain confusing to her new boyfriend. The other diners at the restaurant seemed to find it amusing, though.

12: “I can’t be with anyone right now.”
An acceptable variation of this is “I’m just not ready for a relationship right now.” This is to be used when a woman is completely opposed to dating [The Loon One] and she wishes to spare his feelings by hinting that it’s not [The Loon One]’s fault, but rather she just won’t date anyone, including [The Loon One]. We all know that she really just doesn’t want to date [The Loon One], but let’s allow him his fantasy for the moment.

11: “It’s not you, it’s me.”
Perhaps the most cliché expression of all time, this is also based on circumstances that simply do not exist. Trust me on this one: if one of [The Loon One]’s relationships ends, odds are it’s [The Loon One]’s fault, not hers.

10: “If you were a guy, would you….”
I believe I’m the only man in the world, possibly the universe, who has heard this one, so let me tell you a story. This stems from my experiences with one [Karen]. It happened a couple of years back, and we were very close friends. I, of course, wanted to be even closer than friends, but it just wasn’t happening. So I settled for a close friendship, one in which we talked multiple times every day. Once, I was helping her shop for a Valentine’s gift for her boyfriend (welcome to my hell), and she chose a teddy bear. She handed it to me and said, “If you were a guy and your girlfriend gave this to you, would you think it was sort of childish?” Trust me on this one, guys. If you hang out with a chick so much that she forgets you have a penis, it’s time to back off a little.

9: “I need some space.”
OK, back to [The Loon One]. This is yet another thing women tell [The Loon One] in order to spare his feelings. What it really means is, “I’m sorry, [The Loon One], but this relationship is really boring. I need some space so I can have sex with all of your friends. Not with your friend [bagelboy2345], though.” Even in relationships that don’t involve me, I have no luck.

8: “I’m afraid of getting hurt.”
This is a common sympathy ploy, used to try to get [The Loon One] to be the sensitive, caring and sharing man she wants to tease. Of course, the miserable hag has no problems with hurting [The Loon One].

7: “I’m kind of seeing someone right now.”
OK, this is another of my experiences. In order to fully appreciate the pain and confusion that comes along with the phrase, you must emphasize the word “kind” when you say it. My platonic friend [Sally] who lives in Virginia laid this crap on me. It sounded like she was saying, “I’m sorry, [bagelboy2345], but I’m kind of seeing someone right now. Well, actually, I’m not really seeing him, but I like to think that I am. And I’d rather pretend to date him than to actually date you.” This means that an imaginary relationship is more appealing than a real one with me. Great. Recently, [Sally] visited her old friends in Chicago. For reasons which undoubtedly made sense at the time, I sent her a copy of the list, before I wrote this column. She was pissed. She stormed into the café I always hang out in and yelled, “I was so dating [Jack]! It wasn’t just a line!” So I responded with, “Oh, you were dating [Jack], eh?” To which she replied, “Yeah! Kind of.” After that conversation, I thought about bumping her phrase up a little higher, giving her bonus points for a follow-up, but I decided not to. She demanded that I take her line off the list, and I promised that I would think about it. So yeah, I thought about it, and it stays.

6: “You’ve got a great personality.”
Every guy is familiar with this phrase. It sends up a red flag before all blind dates. This basically means that the woman thinks [The Loon One] has some striking physical abnormalities which render him un-datable. However, they think he’s really nice and funny, so that makes it all worthwhile. Yeah, right.

5: “I like you as a friend.”
This is the standard “go to” line women feed to [The Loon One]. I’ve heard it, too, just not as often as [The Loon One]. I’ve written specifically about this line in the past, so I’ll just say that pathetic, lonely, single men like us have enough friends and not enough sex, so take someone else shopping for presents for your boyfriends, you relentless teasing bitches. Sorry, I didn’t mean it. OK, fine! I’ll take you shopping! Jesus…

4: “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”
This line is a killer, one that goes straight for the throat, much like a lion clamping its jaws on the throat of a poor gazelle whilst the lion’s pack-mates eviscerate the fuck out of it. Luckily for myself, I’ve never heard this line. Poor [The Loon One]…

3: “Let’s just be friends.”
This line is not to be confused with number five. Number five is used when [The Loon One] asks women out on dates, while this one is used when women want to be done with [The Loon One]. Apparently, he used to be datable but now he’s not. Only the women and God know why, and they won’t tell [The Loon One].

Now, as for numbers two and one… [The Loon One] and I argued for about 15 minutes, neither of us willing to give in. We both felt strongly about our picks for number one, so we decided on a tie. Because this is my column, and because I still think he’s wrong, I’ll just make his pick number two. You suck, [The Loon One]!

2: “You’re like a brother to me.”
[The Loon One] feels that when he hears this one, it closes off any and all chance he ever had with the woman. No girl we can think of would date her brother, and nearly 40% of Southern girls wouldn’t either, so it signifies a complete and utter rejection of ever dating [The Loon One].

1: “I like you too much to date you.”
My reasoning behind this choice is that while [The Loon One]’s pick is hurtful, and while it closes off all of [The Loon One]’s chances with someone, this one leaves a sliver of hope open. [The Loon One] will cling desperately to that hope, praying and wishing with all his strength that one day, the woman will decide that she likes him exactly enough to date him. Of course, the woman knows that there is no chance, but [The Loon One] doesn’t.

Well, there you have it. If any of you women out there believe this list is wrong, or not factual, or complete bullshit, then I encourage you to go out with [The Loon One] for coffee, maybe a light dinner, and I guarantee that within 20 minutes, you’ll use one of these lines.