Laying It All Out

Laying It All Out
By: J.A. Messi

I think that it is about time that you and I talked. It is time for you to get to know me. Time to learn who I am and who I hope to be. I know that we have talked a lot over the past 25 or so years, but I still feel like you don’t know the first thing about me. Have you ever really listened to what I have been saying or tried to see in me what I am incapable if seeing in myself?

All I can think about these days is you. For reasons still unknown to me, all I want from life right now is for you to love me. But it is not the me that you currently see that I need you to love. I need you to love who I really am.

I want nothing more than to allow myself to be completely vulnerable with you. I feel as though I need to risk that now. And if you hate what you see, I think that I am ready to make whatever changes I need to in order to win you over. I am done hiding. So, are you finally ready to give me a chance to show you who I really am?

Few things in life actually scare me. I have built a pretty comfortable place for myself in this world and am quick to destroy or to rid myself of anything or anyone that threatens this sanctuary that I have built. My intellect has never failed to guide me through difficult or awkward situations and I have never gotten myself into any predicaments that I was not sure that I could handle. My whole life has been built in a way that has shielded me from the sharp edges of my fears.

I am starting to realize though that the walls that I have constructed aren’t just keeping the bad out. They have fenced me into a corner as my entire life floats idly by.

Pain has a strange way of forcing someone to reevaluate their life and the choices they have made. Those who fence out the pain, as I have always done, often glide through life content with what they do have. But they fail to see all the wonderful things that they are missing out on. I don’t know if I am lucky or cursed, but I am now able to see my life floating by while I stand and watch from the shore. I have started questioning the choices that I have made. The only problem is I seem to be lacking many of the answers.

That is where you come in. I was hoping that you might be able to help me figure out the answers to some of the riddles that have stumped me. I need to know that you struggle with these problems as well and that you will always be there for me in my times of need. Now all I need is your ear.

It may be this one concept that keeps me awake more nights than all the other concepts combined. However, I fear that I have romanticized the idea to the point where it may no longer be obtainable in the form that I now so desperately desire. I was close once, I think. I actually lost myself in it for a week or so. She was all that I could think about and all that I cared about. And for that short period of time, I am pretty sure that she felt the same way too. But, as with most good things in my life, I let her slip away and did nothing as we went our separate ways.

The feelings that I experienced during those few days have spoiled me to any other less intense feelings. I am numb to lesser emotions and long to find that same connection with someone new. But I still don’t know if those feelings were real or if I just got lost in some alternative universe for a few days. That was so unlike me, that I can’t be sure.

I know that I am one of the more rigid people that you know. I know that I tend to make rash determinations about what I like and don’t like and stick with these initial reactions whether rational or not. I typically choose to avoid anything that I have determined will more likely than not bother me. But the things that I normally hate in a woman were perfect when they came from her. Her tears never scared or embarrassed me even when I couldn’t understand their cause. Everything about her just seemed to fit together perfectly.

I still don’t accept the fact that it really happened because we didn’t have enough time to really get to know each other. But, at the time, I truly believed that she understood everything about me and that I understood her.

I still keep a memento of her on my key chain. It is not because I long to have her back or that I have any delusions about the feelings returning if I were to ever see her again. I keep it simply to remind me of what I am capable of feeling towards another person and to make sure that I never settle for anything less.

What I felt for her hit me like a bolt of lightening out of a clear blue sky. It happened so suddenly and was definitely unexpected. I am left wondering whether this is the only way that it can happen for me again or whether I can fall for someone by getting to know them slowly.

It has taken me several years and a countless number of hours to finally start understanding what it was about her that I found to be so enticing. I always thought that I would only be capable of falling for someone who was universally thought of as gorgeous. Someone that caught my eye before I even heard the sound of her voice. But, she proved me wrong. I know you remember her, so I don’t think I need to remind you that she was a very attractive woman, but I will be honest in saying that she was not drop dead gorgeous.

But, during those few days, my gaze never turned away from her to look at another woman. To me she really was the most beautiful girl in the world in every possible way. I guess that when someone makes you feel the way that she made me feel, you really can see with a certain clarity that escapes the naked eye.

I really do not believe that any combination of physical features is necessary. I am confident that given the right combination of factors, I could fall for any pretty girl. I say pretty because I will not even attempt to deny that a physical attraction is essential. But, I now understand that looks alone will not be enough.

She was brilliant. Not just book smart, but brilliant in the way that she approached life and me. I rarely have a conversation in which I am not convinced that I am the more intelligent participant. But with her, I actually doubted whether I was worthy of speaking in her presence. You know me better than to think that this would actually stop me from speaking though. And to my amazement, it never made me even remotely uncomfortable in her presence.

She just had a way of making me feel more comfortable and relaxed than I ever felt before or since. I wanted to hear what she had to say and actually cared about what she thought. I actually valued her opinion and hung on every word as it flowed from her lips.

She actually had the ability to affect me using only her words. I think that this was the most essential part of my falling for her. I now understand that I need to find a woman who is willing and able to match wits with me and to put me in my place when I am wrong (as rare an occasion as that may be). I need a woman who is better than me in all respects.

She must be funny. And sweet. And caring. And especially, knowing me, tolerant. She must be able to mess with my head until I want to crumble and then be able to build me back up and alleviate all my fears and insecurities. She must trust my devotion as my mood swings from bad to worse and I express my need to be alone. I guess I just long for someone who gets me.

I want so badly to care for someone more than I care about myself. I yearn for the day when I really want to do whatever it is that she desires simply because it is she who desires it. I want to feel the constant need to make myself a better person so as to never disappoint her because the thought of disappointing her cripples me.

I long to reach a point in a relationship where words no longer need to be spoken such that the looks on our faces and the movements of our bodies serve as the only necessary means of communication. I long to feel so at ease with her that the world fades away and I am left with all that I need in her.

But, as 25 or so years have passed with only a brief encounter with feelings that even come close to those I have described to you, I doubt if they are really obtainable. Have I become delusional? Am I on a fruitless endeavor that is bound to result in an everlasting agony?

I still refuse to accept such ideas and try my best to keep these questions off of my mind. I cannot claim to have always been successful and have found myself doubting on many an occasion. However, every time that I have been close to giving up, I turn to the memento on my key chain and remember what it is that I am fighting for. I just need someone to reassure me that this type of love is obtainable.

While my quest for love takes up a great deal of my thoughts, it is by no means its exclusive topic. I try and introduce new topics to the mix on a regular basis, but the same few topics tend to dominate my time.

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and hated what you saw staring back at you? I am not talking about your physical appearance, although I really could stand to drop a few pounds. I just can’t seem to find the motivation these days. While I was able to train religiously for over five months for a triathlon less than a year ago, I find myself craving sleep any time that I am free from obligation. But, I have digressed. What I was asking was, do you love what has become of your life?

I never really thought twice about getting as much of an education as I could. Both of my parents have master’s degrees and I never considered not pursuing one myself. I was always good at school and it never really took much of an effort to achieve the success that I wanted or expected. I always imagined doors being opened for me as a result of my schooling and after my graduation from law school, the world didn’t disappoint. I now have a job that I am convinced pays me nearly three times what I think I am worth and people actually envy the situation that I am in.

Friends are quick to point out to me that I have made myself into every Jewish mother’s dream guy. But that is something that scares me in and of itself. I fear finding a woman and falling madly in love only to discover that it is not me, but what I have that she loves.

I guess that I have thus far lived a pretty charmed life in the eyes of many and haven’t worked all that hard to get it. Through it all, I believed that I was opening more and more doors for myself with every step that I would take. But I failed to notice all the closing doors that have slammed shut during my journey. The expectations that people have placed upon me and the expectations that I have built for myself can often be smothering. I find myself gasping for air as more and more external and internal demands are placed upon my time.

I honestly hate what I have become yet see no realistic way out. I can tell by the look in your eyes that you find it difficult to understand what I mean. How can someone who has everything that I do hate who he has become? Especially when he has become exactly what he set out to be. But, please bear with me just a little longer and I will hopefully be able to convey the depth of my struggles.

I fear selling my soul to the great corporate structure that is our society. I help prepare contracts that pay top executives millions upon millions of dollars, yet watch as they continue to work well into their retirement years. I watch people identify themselves more with their work than with their family. What is worse is that I speak to these people and realize that they are not evil. They started out just like me and got stuck in a life that they have been forced into.

I fear becoming a person who strives only to achieve monetary success and steps on anyone who obstructs my path. I fear losing my own identity and forgetting what is truly important so as to fit in with those who hold the keys to my financial success. However, I feel myself slowly losing a grip on my own identity. I have become cold and distant to many of those that I care deeply about. I think that it is as much to protect them from what I see myself becoming as it is to protect myself from feelings of regret.

Yet, I cannot deny the importance that money has in my life. It can open doors that I have only dreamed of walking through. I have seen so little of the world and long to study the past and see how people are living in the present. I want to travel the world and find where my true passion lies. I long to own a boat that will enable me to escape from reality whenever I feel such an urge. But alas, this all costs money. And it is in this corporate world that I am desperate to separate myself from that the money lays.

And there lies the greatest catch-22 of them all. I need the corporate world to enable the pursuit of my most glorious dreams and yet it is the corporate world that prevents me from obtaining them. The time constraints placed upon me limit the exposure that I can have to the outside world. And family and social obligations tie me up for large chunks of the free time the corporate world affords me. I cannot imagine how much more time these obligations would take up if I didn’t live so close to my family and had to travel home to participate.

I often wish that I could just pick up and leave everything behind. To escape to a place where money is not seen as the end all and be all to happiness. But, I love my family and fear disappointing those who have sacrificed so much to get me to where I currently am. I never want to deprive my father of the pride he felt when I got admitted to the bar. Don’t misunderstand what I am saying though. My family would support me in whatever I choose to do. But personally, I can’t bear the thought of disappointing them. I owe them too much.

But, it is really you that I am afraid of disappointing most of all. I yearn to have a family, a loving wife and several adorable children. And I want to provide them with every opportunity that this world has to offer. I am torn between giving myself these opportunities or ensuring that my children get them. The money that I make now can help open doors in the future or can be spent opening them now.

I don’t know what the future has in store for me and that scares me more than anything else. I know that any decisions that I make can dramatically alter the path of my life. What if I stay and never fall in love? What if I pick up and leave and find that it is not everything that I hoped it would be? Each decision has consequences and getting back on the right track after a failed attempt will not be easy. I know this and it scares me.

Okay, so I feel as though I have thrown too much at you at one time. I fear that you get me even less than you did before. There is so much that I still want to tell you, but I don’t want to overwhelm you. I will let you wrestle with this much first. I hope that after it all sinks in that you will love what you see and want to hear more. But more than anything else, I hope that you will be there for me.

I need you to understand me and to guide me forward.