All that We Hide

“Ouch! Son of a gun!” That was the second time in a week I had slipped while chopping food. “Dammit!” I yelled to anyone and no one. I grabbed the towel and held on to my bleeding finger. “Okay, calm down Annie Reynolds.” I took a deep breath to do just that. “Remember who this is for, Annie!”

It was for Cody Wagner. He is such a good friend. What a story he has – not all good but he keeps on keeping on despite everything. That night he was having Angela over to his place for a romantic dinner. I imagined it would be the kind of date that makes a girl’s palms sweat and her heart flutter. So, Cody asked me to help him prepare a special dinner for his girl.

That’s what I do around here. I help out where I can – cook, clean, repair, nurse cuts – my own and others. It’s good to be here although I never could have imagined it.

I hadn’t been tagging along with the circuit very long - only that season. In that time, I did make a few friends – Cody, Brian and Mandy, Angela and Britt. There was Nick, too. Brian and Nick were drivers in the Elite series. I didn’t get what the fuss was about when I saw the fans crowding the gates. I understand the appeal and sport of this business but I was amazed by the fanatics and the floozies. Women threw themselves at the drivers and offered themselves up just to get close to the fame. I sensed a distinct force field around the drivers. That was fine with me since that is not what brought me here. I was a fan too but not a groupie.

I had always been a fan of stock car racing. When I was a girl that’s all there was on Sunday television. None of those drivers were still driving but had passed the torch to their sons and in some instances their daughters. This is such a great spectator sport, I thought to myself. It is easy to understand. Cross the finish line first and you win. What I find intriguing is all of the science, engineering and practice behind the scenes. Make no mistake – the drivers are the end users and they work magic of their own but they wouldn’t be there if not for the scores of people who worked behind the wall and behind the scenes. This sport has dynasties created by racing families. There was Richard Benson Racing Incorporated – a.k.a. Mr. Hard Ass – the later moniker known by many but spoken by few. There was also Merle Corcoran Iron Horse and Wayne Proctor Racing.

Right then I was nursing my own cut. I loved my trailer but it got cramped when I took on projects like this. As such, I too felt cramped. I sat down at the table and slouched forward to relieve the strain in my back. The sun streamed in the window and soothed me further. That and my own fatigue put me to sleep in a flash.

“Miss Annie!” Someone was banging on my door. Jesus! I started so at the racket that I sent the cucumber slices flying across the trailer. More banging. “Hey, Miss Annie! You in there?”

In a half sleepy stupor I stood up and knocked the rest of the vegetables to the floor. “Yes!” I shouted. “Hang on.” For the life of me, I will never know why men think they need to bang so hard on the door. For goodness sakes! This is a fifth wheel not a mansion. A gentle knock would do!

I swung the door open to see none other than Mick - mischievous Mick or malicious Mick? It depended who you asked. I hadn’t decided where I stood on that issue just yet. “Miss Annie! I was hopin’ that you would be here.” Mick’s wrinkled leathery face split into a definitely resistible grin. Something about those four rotting stubs that were once actual teeth made me want to gag. All the same, Mick was nice to me.

“What’s up Mick? What brings you by?” I saw his eyes go to the floor and followed his gaze to see that my entire trailer was sprinkled with cut vegetables. “Oh. I guess I drifted off to sleep and when you knocked I was startled.”

“I am sorry Miss Annie. D’ ya need some help with those?” He motioned to a nearby cucumber slice.

“No! No! It’s fine.” I didn’t feel very fine, though. I had that queasy feeling that I get sometimes after being awakened suddenly. Looking at his mouth only made it worse and now I really just wanted him to leave. “What’s up Mick?”

“Oh! Carmel – you seen Carmi ‘round here today? Little bugger took off again, I’m thinkin’.” He looked at me with a lurking worry. I understood his concern. Pets could many times prove to be your best friends around here.

“No, I haven’t seen Carmi today, Mick.” I remembered Dixie. “Dixie, come!” Very quietly, a large German Shepard nose emerged from under the table. The look in her eye told me that she really could use a cucumber. “Dixie, no. Lay, girl.” Dixie obeyed and spread out on the floor and on top of most of the cucumbers. Mick smiled and stifled a laugh. “Oh…” I sighed. “All that work…” I remembered Mick. “I haven’t seen Carmi. He hasn’t been over here. Dixie would have let me know.” I looked over to Dixie. The big dog picked up her head and pointed her big Shepard ears at me. Then, she belched. “Dixie!” Mick couldn’t help but laugh at that.

“Well, Miss Annie, I’ll be on my way then. Lemme know if y’all see my mutt, okay?” He nodded at me and clucked at Dixie.

“I will Mick. Good luck.” Mick walked down the path toward his rig. Stupid mutt Carmi. I didn’t like that dog. He was okay with me but not being neutered he was just a nuisance to the other dogs and had been known to do damage to the driver’s rigs. I had other things to worry about at the moment, however.

I turned and knelt down to pick up the slices of cucumber. Thinking about Mick and his dog, it dawned on me that Carmel had actually been good for my finances. Once, when he really went bonkers, he managed to get into Brian and Mandy’s coach and had destroyed most of the window treatments. When I heard, I ran over to their coach. A dog ripping apart a coach qualified for big news around here.

I could hear Mandy before I even got close to the door. She was sitting inside on a pile of shredded drapes and blinds looking remarkably like Scarlet O’Hara. The sound she made as she bawled was so dramatic that I had wondered if it was real. Anyway, I don’t think it was so much the loss of the drapes that got to her that day but rather that she couldn’t do anything about the loss. Mandy was not inclined domestically. Later, she begged me to help her with the replacements. “Please, Annie.” She had pulled on my sleeve like a toddler. “Please help me do something with these.” I really hadn’t wanted to. “I will pay you.” The magic words! I agreed and actually had fun doing it. I helped her pick fabric and style. She was very happy with the new décor. “Oh, Annie!” she squealed. “Them curtains make it just like a whole new rig. Thank you!” She kept thanking me by telling anyone and everyone how great her drapes were. A few more requests for similar projects came in and the odd domestic/interior decorator jobs have been steady since. “Thank you, Mandy and Carmel.” I said to no one. Without that money, I would have had to throw in the towel.

“Snap out of it, Annie!” I said to myself and glanced at my watch. “Crap!” I was behind in my preparations. This was a paying job and it was for Cody. I had to hustle – put the pedal to the metal. “Ha ha.” I mocked my own pun. Angela would have her socks knocked off if I had my way. So, tips and mushrooms, asparagus with secret sauce, French bread, fresh salad and absolutely decadent cheese cake would make up the menu for the young lovers. The rest was up to Cody!

I quickly water proofed my finger, picked up the cucumbers and proceeded into the final stages of preparation – all under the watchful eye of Dixie.

Cody’s rig was a smaller model but quite new and had plenty of room for him and his roommate. I knocked on the door, arms loaded with packages. A moment went by and then another. “Where is he?” I shifted my burden over to the other hip and knocked again. “Cody? Cody, it’s Annie.” He was probably sleeping. I had been around long enough to know that the life and work schedule of an apprentice mechanic on the stock car circuit could be very grueling and unpredictable. I knocked on the door again and stretched up to peek in the window. I couldn’t make anything out. Shifting my packages again and I reconsidered what grueling meant. There were a lot of containers and they were heavy. “Dammit. Where is he?” I whispered. It was a quarter of eight and I had been late with the delivery. “Where is he?” My heart was sinking as I turned to leave. I decided to check back in a few minutes. I was concerned about how the food would hold up, though.

“I’m here! I’m here!” It was Cody running up to me. “Thank goodness I got here in time.” He was panting. “I’m so sorry I am late, Annie.” He was a mess. Grease was all over his face and arms and he was drenched with sweat but the light was shining bright in his eyes. “Thank goodness you’re here.” Cody took off his hat and without needing to ask just grabbed the top of the stack from me. “Thank goodness for you, Annie.” He was puffing. “Golly, it smells good. Can you do something else for me?” I nodded not knowing what it was. “I am not cleaned up and I…I…I…” He faded away as he climbed the stairs and hoisted his considerable frame through the rig’s small doorway.

“Yes, I can help. Just take a deep breath, Cody. I’ll set the table, okay?” A huge smile and a sigh relaxed his baby face. I was so very fond of him. He was like my little brother.

Cody went off to the tiny bathroom and I assessed the situation. Could be a lot worse, I thought. He shared the rig with another mechanic and the place could look a whole lot worse considering. Could there be room enough for three here? What if his roommate Jack was staying? Yikes. That would be a complication.

I unloaded the food and set the meal to warm in the oven. Next, I cleaned off the table. There was an interesting assortment of goofy little guy things – individually wrapped toothpicks, some hard candies, some with lint, coffee stir sticks, wet naps and a stack of fast food napkins. I hid all of that in a drawer and pulled out the candle that I brought. Then, after another quick check, I decided it was ready. Cody came out of the bathroom.

“Well?” Cody waited for my approval. “Well, Annie, do I look okay?” He turned his chin side to side to show his freshly shaven face.

“Yes, Cody. You clean up nicely.” He blushed a sweet innocent red. He couldn’t be more that twenty-one or twenty-two. “Dinner is in the oven and the cheesecake is in the fridge. Light the candle when I leave and Cody,” I said with authority causing him to look dutifully at me. “Good luck!”

“Thanks, Annie!” He smiled a blazing, sweet smile that could be trademarked it was so ‘Cody’. I couldn’t help but be happy for him. Done with my chores, I hopped down out of the rig and waved to Cody. “Just in time.” I could see Angela coming down the path. I felt slightly uneasy as I made my way back to my rig. What was bothering me? In concentration and otherwise deep thought, I kept my eyes on the path. I was aware of the waning daylight and picked up my pace.

“Dammit, woman!” I looked up, rubbing my head. Lost in thought, I had just run head first into Richard Benson. The Richard Benson of RBRI – Richard Benson Racing Incorporated. He was rubbing his sternum. “Holy Christ. Look where you are going!”

“Sorry…sorry…you okay?” I was mortified. The look of sheer annoyance on his face was unmistakable. Richard Benson then unceremoniously moved me out of his way with a sideways shove delivered by a mammoth arm.

“Hey!” I objected.

“Watch where you’re going next time.” He strode off with a gait that told everyone that he was not to be messed with.

“Christ!” I didn’t bother to keep it to myself but I doubted he heard me, anyway. That man didn’t care what I had to say as far as I could tell. Richard Benson didn’t care much for what anyone had to say. I stared down the path after him and rubbed my head. Suddenly, it occurred to me what had been nagging at me. It was Mr. RBR. His daughter, Angela Benson, was falling in love with an underling – sweet Cody. He had to know that ‘Mr. RBR’ didn’t approve. Richard Benson was very protective of his only daughter. I simply was bothered by the realization that he was going to raise holy hell when he found out about Angela and Cody.

“None of your business, Annie!” I muttered under my breath.

In just a moment, the glee that I had felt at helping my friend to impress his young girlfriend had dissolved into foreboding. “Stop it, Annie!” I scolded. I have a knack for creating problems that don’t exist – catastrophizing! “Let it go. That’s the best thing to do. It’s not any of my business anyway.”

If one isn’t careful, this whole deal could become like a daytime drama. The stock car circuit, just like any other group has a cast of characters. There are winners, losers, lovers, enemies, rivalries, friendships, affairs, feuds, money and lots of dreamers. Never a boring moment here! That I was glad for. It was like a drug. It could drown out anything and everything if you wanted it to.

The roar of half a dozen supercharged stock cars resonated in my chest. It was like thunder. The sounds of this traveling life are so unique, I thought to myself. Continuing to make my way, I noticed the setting sun and how it gave everything around me a magical quality. I could hear so many things and smell so many scents. Always there was fuel and exhaust, mixed with grease and as the day went on food was introduced into the recipe. I sniffed the air – cigarettes and cigars, wood smoke and charcoal. Another sniff offered up stale beer and rubber. I could always smell rubber. It was a smell that I appreciated.

With the sun setting, all the shapes and people were dark silhouettes which gave the grounds an unreal quality. All the trailers and buses made up the immediate horizon in this temporary village. It reminded me of paper dolls. The eerie quality sent a chill up my spine. Uneasy, I picked up the pace again.

“I had better pay attention.” I didn’t want to cause another head on crash. Looking ahead to my trailer, something caught my eye. I couldn’t make it out. It was dark now and I could only see movement in the grass. Could it be a ball or a toy? That wouldn’t explain the movement. “Dixie... Dixie?” I called softly. The spot moved again. It was right there – very close.

What happened next was a blur. The thing leapt out of the grass and lunged toward me with an unreal shrieking growl. Spittle and saliva splattered across my arms. At that point, I must have tripped on a root in the path. The thing missed me and I fell to the ground. I fell hard and as I fell I could have sworn that I saw Dixie. The wind was knocked out of me and I lay in the dirt trying to get my bearings. I tried to lift myself up but was too shocked to move. Dirt crunched in my mouth and I felt a sharp pain from my wrist.

“Jesus.” I gasped. My head flopped back down onto the path. The rancid taste of blood turned my stomach. Did I lose a tooth? I felt with my tongue frantically.

“Hey, there, are you alright? Can you hear me? You okay?” The man looked down at me. I was still lying face down on the dirt path. At hearing his voice, I tried to push myself up.

“Uh! Ouch!” I whimpered and croaked. My wrist was sprained.

“You fell,” he said. “Wow. You took a header.” He stooped down beside me. “Hey, don’t try to get up too fast.” He waited.


Could he see the stars and birdies flying around my head? The breath had been knocked out of me and when I tried to speak nothing came out. Unable to do anything else, I rolled over onto my back. “Ouch!” I groaned feebly. The man was kneeling beside me.

“That stupid dog must have jumped you.” He looked around. “Are you okay? Do you think that you are ready to stand?” I strained to see him but in the darkness I couldn’t make out his face. “Here, hold onto me. I’ll give you an arm up.” I obeyed and the man lifted me up in one easy movement. He was a driver. I knew by the patches on his jacket and the quality of the fabric. I was on my feet and took a deep breath.

“Thank you…thanks.” I looked at my rescuer in the dark glad for the cloak it provided. I was covered with dirt and felt foolish. “Ouch…oh...ow…” I was sharply reminded of the injury to my wrist.

“You gonna be okay? I don’t see that damn mutt anywhere.” He paused awkwardly. “Uh, do you need help to your trailer?”

“I, uh, I, no, no. I will be fine. Thanks. You came along at the right time.” I stammered some other thank you – blah, blah, blah. My head hurt like the devil.

“Okay then. You have a good night.” He turned and walked down the path. I lifted my hand to wave.

“Ah!” I felt the bile come up the back of my throat. “Okay, Annie. Get to your rig.” I ached all over and I felt a migraine coming on. I had to get back to my place. It was such a freaky thing. How did I fall? Was it a dog that I saw? Was it Carmel as he had implied? And Dixie…where was Dixie?

“Dixie!” I called as loudly as I dared. In a split second she was there whining, licking my hand and wagging her tail very robustly. It occurred to me that she had been just a couple of feet away during my fall and this whole time. “You are my best friend, lady.” She pressed herself against my legs affectionately. I patted her on the head and she smiled back at me, panting. Dixie hadn’t been alarmed by the man who helped me. Huh…usually she is so protective but the stranger hadn’t caused her to be concerned. “Well,” I thought to myself, “I trust your judgment Dixie – implicitly.”

I pulled the door shut behind me, glad to be safe in my trailer. I served Dixie’s dinner without delay. She was as usual overly grateful and I had to dodge her to protect my wrist. Finally, she settled down and I turned to survey the damage. I looked in the mirror and laughed a gut crunching laugh. I looked like a two bit actress in a military B-film. Dirt was smeared all over my face and remarkably looked as though I had applied camouflage paint.

“Well, Annie, the party is over for today. Time for bed.” I peered into the mirror again. I didn’t look so bad even with dirt smudged all over my face. But who was that looking back at me? A year ago my life was very different and I was a different person. I stared at myself for a long time lost in memories. I had to look a long time to see something of my old self, the woman that I was before the accident. Who was this staring back at me?

I closed my eyes to push away the pain but the picture had started to form in my mind. Yes, it was becoming that familiar picture. I could see the dancing hazel eyes and those dainty, pretty lips. Yes, one front tooth had just been exchanged in a deal with the tooth fairy. I could see her cherub face. Then, the vividly familiar pain seared through me – tore through my heart. It bore down on me with more power than the physical injury I had just acquired. I looked down thinking that I might see a hand ripping my heart out. Did it all just happen yesterday?

I wept a deep painful sob. Belle…Belle… I could feel her shimmering hair and see her pretty face with those dancing eyes. Another powerful sob wracked my body. I slid down the wall and sat on the floor – too weak to stand and too much in pain to face the person in the mirror.

Dixie gently nudged my elbow with her soft muzzle. I obliged and she draped her front legs and head on my lap. This is her way of comforting her master. She knows when the pain hits me hard. “What would I do without you, girl?” Dixie lifted her head to look at me then flopped back down. She was very watchful of me – very alert. She was scanning for trouble and intruders – ears all the way up and twitching front to back, front to back. The small dots that were her eyebrows alternated up and down with concern. “That’s a good dog.” I let her be in charge.

We lay on the floor for what seemed like a long time. Somehow, I managed to get up and into the bathroom. Dixie followed every move. I fell into bed and she stayed back. I looked at her and she watched me. I sighed deeply knowing I was safe under Dixie’s watchful eye.

I fell into a restless sleep – awakened several times by the pain in my wrist. I got out of bed finally to get aspirin and ice. It was no use, though. Sleep was in short supply. Hot and sweaty, I lay in bed and listened to the sounds of the night. There were no engines, no music – just crickets and frogs. Dixie was snoring and soon I drifted off again.

I was smelling exhaust. Pugh! I rolled onto my back and attempted to open my eyes. “Ah! Jesus!” The light hit me like a hammer. I covered my eyes and gave myself another moment. I felt confused and another blow took me down as I tried again to open my eyes.

“Crap.” It all came back to me. Cucumber, cut finger, head butt and then diving head first into the path. Jesus. What in the hell was wrong with me? I was such a klutz!

I decided that if I lay perfectly still I would be okay. I was starting to wake up, though and so was everyone else. The smell of bacon, exhaust, fuel and rubber were getting stronger but the exhaust was just car exhaust not racing exhaust. Who was here? I listened a long time. I could hear a constant pattern of stopping, voices then acceleration then motor under load – like a truck pulling a trailer. That was it. The park was filling up with tag-alongs and peripheral support. The population of the park would quadruple by midday.

What time was it? I tried to open my eyes again. “Ah! Jesus!” Okay, Annie, one more time, I forced myself. This time I shielded my eyes and looked for the clock. It was already 10:00 am. Another blazing pain went through my head and was immediately followed by a zinger from my wrist. I sank back onto the bed and lay still again. Obviously, I wouldn’t be running around the grounds today.

The garage was ramping up again. The rumble of engines drowned out the traffic coming in. I like that sound. At this distance, it was oddly calming. It reminded me of a vacuum cleaner or clothes dryer. Small children were always lulled by those sounds. The constant purr relaxed me, as well.

“Did I promise to do anything for anyone today?” I was done with Cody’s dinner. I did need to stop by Nick’s coach to size up an upholstery job. He would be immersed in his duties today. Teams were testing the track and setting up shop. I felt sure that I could wait with that visit since Nick is fairly laid back as are most of the drivers that I have met.

Thinking of Nick made me remember the events of the night before. Who was the driver that helped me after I fell? He had a sugary southern accent. “Right, Annie.” That really wasn’t a distinguishing characteristic around these parts. I wondered more about the mystery man. How very kind he had been even offering to see me to my trailer. Then I remembered how sure and confident his movement was as he picked me up off the ground. He had to be a driver. The patches and the fabric were so distinctive. I had a mystery on my hands. Once I could venture outside perhaps “Mr. Sweep me off my Feet” would show his face.

I rested for a long time listening to the sound of the speedway coming to life. The air split with the screech of metal on metal. Hauler doors were opening and ramps were dropping. It was actually quite loud. Dixie didn’t like it and told me just as much. Slowly, and with gripping pain, I hoisted myself out of bed. “Easy does it, Annie.” Dixie whined at me. She needed out before it was too late. “Okay, baby.” I cooed to her. “I’m coming.”

Dixie tore off unable to wait another moment. As I pulled the door shut, something caught my eye. Curious, I opened the door a crack and shaded my eyes. It was a piece of paper taped to the side of my trailer. The paper was soaked through from the morning dew. “Someone left a note.” I grabbed it, closed the door and headed for my favorite spot. Probably Cody or Angela had left it for me.

I felt a little thrill when I thought about the dinner. Cody would have to tell me everything. Pushing my hair back, I unfolded the damp paper. “What’s this?” It was not Cody’s writing. Here is what it said.

Stopped by to see how you’re doing. Hope you are well.
R

“Who is ‘R’?” I ran through all of my acquaintances. ‘R’… ‘R’…Richard Benson?! I considered the possibility but not for long. “Right, Annie.” Richard Benson didn’t give a rip about me and besides, I was fine the last time he saw me. “Who is ‘R’ then?” I sat back and closed my eyes. Who did I know that had the first initial of ‘R’? “Wait a minute!” It was all falling into place. Smiling at my own pun, I folded the note and tapped my chin. ‘R’ had to be the driver who saw me fall. “That’s it!” ‘R’ was none other than “Mr. Sweep Me Off My Feet”. I was one step closer to discovering his identity.

I looked down at my wrist. Black and blue bruises blossomed everywhere. Jesus! I played the scene out in my mind again and tried to place his voice. He had a lovely accent. There are so many different southern accents. Virginian it was not. His was thicker and much more pronounced. “Carolinas?” Stumped, I decided to at least be happy that life was not boring.