Love's Painful Truth.

         Note to readers: Rating on this may change as more detail is added to this story. As time goes on I will more than likely add to this as my feelings evolve and come out in this true story. Read at your own risk.

         I write this in hopes of helping others not go through the pain of loving someone dearly and giving them up just because that is what you feel you have to do out of respect for someone else. When others use a guilt trip to get you to give them up.
         My story starts out from the time I was little with all the young girl’s dreams of youth. Because, like most young girls I wanted it all. The white picket fence, a house with plenty of room to raise a houseful of kids.
         But for me that has not come to be yet, but I got close. Just the one time, but once was enough to realize what was expected of me. What others thought was appropriate for me to do in my life.
         See some felt since I was a victim of sexual abuse as a child and one who had a disability that it was their right to tell me I should not be married and just stay with my mother so she could watch over me and that if I left home to marry I was disrespecting her and all the years she watched over me.
         Back in April, 2004 it had been arranged and approved that the guy I would marry would come and see me and learn how to take care of me. In my mind at first it kind of hurt me that no one trusted my judgment that I trusted the one I wanted to marry to take care of me. I didn’t remember at that moment that he had to learn how. But If I had known the events that would follow from the time he walked in my mom's house to the time he was thrown out of the house a week later I never would have asked him to come to the house in the first place.
         I never knew my mother could be so blatantly rude, and even more had I known she had no intent to ever let me marry in the first place, and me a 34 year old woman, I would have just said stay home and do not waste the gas money on me.

         I have never been so humiliated in my life.

         Every time I think of how hard he worked just to show her he was willing to do the things required to take care of me and she did not even give him a word of thanks that he even tried to please her I get mad all over again.
         The stupid thing to me is she has not a clue as to how much she has damaged the relationship between she and I.
         I will not be mean to her because she does have her own medical troubles but I can not say I am happy with her either.
         I will say the guy I tried to marry did try, doing everything that was needed to take care of me, and did it willingly, 24/7. And one night that turned out to be for four hours straight, without stopping, giving us both a wonderful, special memory and proving to me all over again that his love and his intentions were real and that my medical problems would not stop him from loving me. He even decided to sleep in a chair in my room instead of in the spare room in case I needed anything during the night. And yet either that still wasn’t enough for mom or she never intended to admit he was able to do it, but at least he put forth the effort to help with me. And to me that is more than any of my family members have done since before my grandma died years ago.
         I just wonder what she will do when she is not able to take care of me anymore and no one is around to take up the slack for her. I wonder if she ever stops to think of the position that will leave me in then. That the guy I still care for did his best to do as she wished, and even got a stoma bag to stay on me for 17 days. I just also wonder if she ever stops to think of how many others in the family who have known me for years have ever gotten a bag to stay on me that long. I have the number of how many ever did that in my family and I can tell you that no one has ever gotten one to stay on more than 5 minutes at a time if that! She should get down on her knees and thank God someone can do it instead of dwelling on what a DAMN CHILD MOLESTER FATHER WOULD NOT DO FOR ME AS A CHILD AND THANK HER GOD DAMN LUCKY STARS I NOW KNOW THE TRUE MEANING OF LOVE.
         At the end of that week my guy was here, one day before he was going to leave anyway, mom panicked. My guy hadn’t backed down from taking care of me one bit like she thought he would, and even with wedding arrangements already made for two weeks later, she and my stepdad Bill accused us both of whispering to talk so we wouldn't be overheard (can you say 'privacy'?) and they accused him of being controlling just because he slept in that chair in my room in case I needed something (and they tell me I'll never be allowed to marry. You tell me who's being controlling here), then mom just threw him out.
         Soon after he left I got sick and in the hospital with a life- threatening illness that almost cost me my life, but the illness was nothing compared to what I lost when I was hospitalized that last time. I knew my mom was mad at my guy, and I thought he would be mad at her (I learned later he was just deeply hurt by it all) so I didn’t’ try to talk to him from my hospital room like I had when I was hospitalized before. My silence was an effort to keep them apart so they would not kill each other because as I saw it at the time they both were mad at the other for loving me as both claim to do. This is how I saw it then. And I was just too sick to want to deal with that.
         I don’t know if I just didn’t remember or if I was too sick to remember, but I forgot what silence does to the one we love, and to a relationship. My guy went crazy worrying about me. He sent my stepdad an email asking for my room phone number but I wouldn’t let them give it to him. When I was in the hospital before I couldn't wait to talk to him at night. And he couldn't understand why the silence this time. My guy got so worried he couldn’t eat right, sleep well or concentrate at work. And he had no idea how long the silence would last. He couldn’t understand why, to him, I suddenly didn’t want to talk to him anymore. He thought I’d given up on him.
         Later, after I got out of the hospital, as a pacifier my family decided to sooth their guilty minds (if they even felt any guilt) and thought that it would be a fun idea to take me gambling. But what no one even thought of is that I was smart enough to realize the fact that I knew exactly what every one was up too.

         Even now I still am trying to figure out how I let my life get so out of control by just trying to love equally but I did try. While I stayed quiet that silence cost me a husband and a child and that to this day I am finding hard to accept. I may never get over it but I am trying. My guy and I are still very close, and will always look after each other. He now understands why I did that, and I know why I shouldn’t have. We talked it all out. I forgave him long ago for what he had to do because of my silence, to keep his job and his health, but it has been harder to forgive mom for holding on way too tight to me. Maybe one day I will, but for now I just try to live and see where the Lord leads me. I just want to say respect your family, but don't let respect go too far, to the point where you can not figure out where your family stops and your private life begins as I let happen to me. You Be The Judge.

Dedicated to Incurable Romantic