The Fiction

Below are my beloved short pieces of fiction.

Please enjoy them. Or, if you have difficulty doing so, leave me a scathing review! Remember though, that I am a nice person. That said, if you hurt my family I will HUNT YOU DOWN.

You could trick me, though. I am gullible enough to believe you are my friend, if only you smile letting a very slight glimpse of the teeth shine through. In that case, you will probably win this battle. My life will be forfeit, and along with it my sizable collection of rare and mystical enchanted items.

This includes the infamous headpiece of Unk Chuuk-kur-rah, the great ruler of a small tribe living on the Arctic Ocean in roughly 4000 BC. It's rumored to have given him the power to move continents, which is false. It actually only gives the wearer influence over certain plate tectonic activities, as exemplified by my efforts to sink California into the ocean on numerous occasions.

My accumulation of magical treasure is veritably and verifiably a viable and valuable, voluminous vestige of vacillating, venerated virtue. And yes, it will be yours once you dispatch of me. But once my body has been covered in the earth for three fortnights, know that I will return for what was mine. My appetite will be for REVENGE! And my taste in music will lean toward the RAGTIME! And the digestion of such fruits of hunger will be UNCOMFORTABLE FOR MY UNDEAD INTESTINES!

That, plus watch out for the robots I have programmed to kill my very killers. One safeguard I programmed into them -particularly DEVIOUS if I don't say so myself- is specifically designed to outwit one of your possible plans. If you were to say, STEAL MY IDENTITY, and switch my own dead body with yours, you would think that my robots would not know WHO TO KILL. But you would be wrong. Deadly wrong. The safeguard I have implemented in my robots instructs them to, if I haven't been detected as dead yet after five years, KILL ME THEMSELVES. Thus you, having stolen my identity, will meet your own TWISTED AND TRAGIC DEMISE.

So think twice about crossing me. Or stealing my identity. Or watching the movie Thirteen Ghosts. Because I will get you back and because it was really awful, bad plot, bad acting, unpleasant sound editing, just really unwatchable.


As I was saying before, enjoy my fiction!