The Woman Who Fell Awake

Have you ever confused your dreams with reality? Have you ever wanted so bad to sleep forever, to dream forever? Guilty as charged. You see, I’m the kind of person most people ignore and push by. I’m the little girl who’s developing before her peers. The one boys laugh at and girls mock. I’m the fat girl sitting in the back corner, covering her face with a notebook. I’m the boring, ordinary woman sitting in her tiny cubicle, working on god-know’s-what, just praying for the day to pass by. And I’m that neighbor no one seems to know is there. The one who lives with no one and talks to no one and who no one bothers to talk to. For me, I have no life. But in my dreams… I can be anybody I so chose to be. I can be a supermodel, or a straight A student. I can be the president of the United States… I can be a mother or a friend. A gift to the world. I can be me.
So you can see why I live to dream. I pray anxiously for the days to shorten so I can rush into my bed, dip myself in my blanket, and fall into the REAL start of my day.
Last night I met a man. He was fairly tall, with jet black hair and razor sharp cheekbones. He smiled when he looked at me and his beautiful teeth made his blue eyes sparkle. He approached me and we began to talk.
“Hello, Cathlin,” he said to me, his deep sultry voice caressing my skin. “Can I love you?”
Well that’s a pretty unusual question to be asked by a extremely handsome man, but in my dreams, I can say yes.
So we danced and he held me. And I fell in love. But there was only one problem… I woke up. I practically pulled the hair out of my head, I was so frustrated. Why couldn’t my life be so magical? Reluctantly I got up and went off to my nobody job. At lunch I pulled out a sandwich I had made the night before and ate it quietly at my desk while everyone else was out together. I didn’t mind being alone… I was used to it. But as soon as I could clock out I ran out of my office, down into my car, sped all the way home and jumped into my bed… Except this time I couldn’t fall asleep. It was only five o’clock in the afternoon and I was no where near tired. Groaning, I got up and walked into my kitchen, right up to the medicine cabinet. I pulled out bottles of pills, cold medication, yada yada and then finally I found it - a prescription my doctor gave me few years back when I had trouble falling asleep at night. I had only used it once or twice because I didn’t believe in pills, but as I pulled that child-locked cap off and crammed two pills down my throat, I knew they would come in handy! Within minutes I felt my body swaying and I had to drag myself to the bed, just barely making it. I fell asleep instantly.
Tonight we rented a boat and floated on a gentle lake, with owls hooting and stars twinkling. He told me he loved me and I knew he did. I knew he did because I loved me too… in my dreams. And he turned to me and leaned in slowly, closing his eyes and I knew he was going to kiss me. Just as our lips were about to touch, my eyes opened and I was back to reality. I woke up, just as we were living. Then I realized something. I would wake up just as everything happened…. Because it was a dream and it wasn’t real. I eventually will always have to come back to life.
Low and completely depressed, I stayed home from work that day. The office didn’t call me… they probably didn’t even notice I was gone. My neighbors weren’t worried that I hadn’t left the house because most didn’t even know I existed.
And it was at this point, as I laid in my bed, crying bitterly and deeply hurt, that I realized something else. No one would notice. No one would care. I could leave forever and it might take them years to think to themselves, “Hey, where’d that fat, plain woman that works on the worthless papers go? Didn’t she live her? Did she move? Did we make her up…”
I slowly sat up and dragged my heavy feet to my kitchen. The sleeping pills were where I had put them the night before, open and lying on the counter. I picked up the bottle and poured the remaining pills into my quivering hand. There must’ve been at least 30 left… enough to let me sleep forever. I gulped them down, two at a time, until every last one of them was swallowed. I walked back to my bed and sat at the edge, waiting for them to take hold of me. Slowly I could feel my heart weaken and my eyes grow too heavy to keep open. I managed to pull myself under the covers and smiled as I went to sleep again. Except this time, I wouldn’t have to worry about waking up. And he could hold me forever.